How to handle a (hopefully) temporary separation period?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guest room, but honestly I wouldn't end a marriage over smoking weed.

+1. Wow. I'm stunned that you would end a marriage over something that is apparently not a major problem for anyone except you.

Divorce is much worse than a parent who may be smoking pot during the day, but also may just be doing it at night.

[Anonymous]

The OP might want to consider whether her controlling and uptight attitude is contributing to if not actually causing the problem. We're talking about a SAHD with a lawyer wife who actually has the gall to suggest that she gets to make the decision on where he should live during a separation because she's the breadwinner? Imagine if she were a guy with a SAHM for a wife; how many people would let him get away with saying such a thing.

My reading between the lines is that we are talking about a guy with an overbearing and demanding lawyer wife who has emasculated him more than a little bit and is driving him to smoke a little weed to get through the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The OP might want to consider whether her controlling and uptight attitude is contributing to if not actually causing the problem. We're talking about a SAHD with a lawyer wife who actually has the gall to suggest that she gets to make the decision on where he should live during a separation because she's the breadwinner? Imagine if she were a guy with a SAHM for a wife; how many people would let him get away with saying such a thing.

My reading between the lines is that we are talking about a guy with an overbearing and demanding lawyer wife who has emasculated him more than a little bit and is driving him to smoke a little weed to get through the day.

I'm reading something similar, like they moved for his job and he was forced into being a SAHD due to the circumstances, now he's self medicating because he's bored/depressed. I've been there. OP has probably never smoked pot and doesn't realize how mild it can be

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP might want to consider whether her controlling and uptight attitude is contributing to if not actually causing the problem. We're talking about a SAHD with a lawyer wife who actually has the gall to suggest that she gets to make the decision on where he should live during a separation because she's the breadwinner? Imagine if she were a guy with a SAHM for a wife; how many people would let him get away with saying such a thing.

My reading between the lines is that we are talking about a guy with an overbearing and demanding lawyer wife who has emasculated him more than a little bit and is driving him to smoke a little weed to get through the day.

I'm reading something similar, like they moved for his job and he was forced into being a SAHD due to the circumstances, now he's self medicating because he's bored/depressed. I've been there. OP has probably never smoked pot and doesn't realize how mild it can be

*moved for her job
Too much pot here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP might want to consider whether her controlling and uptight attitude is contributing to if not actually causing the problem. We're talking about a SAHD with a lawyer wife who actually has the gall to suggest that she gets to make the decision on where he should live during a separation because she's the breadwinner? Imagine if she were a guy with a SAHM for a wife; how many people would let him get away with saying such a thing.

My reading between the lines is that we are talking about a guy with an overbearing and demanding lawyer wife who has emasculated him more than a little bit and is driving him to smoke a little weed to get through the day.

I'm reading something similar, like they moved for his job and he was forced into being a SAHD due to the circumstances, now he's self medicating because he's bored/depressed. I've been there. OP has probably never smoked pot and doesn't realize how mild it can be

If you need to self medicate to get through the day, then you aren't equipped to care for kids and you likely aren't contributing much to the family. You're likely more of a liability than an asset. Who needs that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP might want to consider whether her controlling and uptight attitude is contributing to if not actually causing the problem. We're talking about a SAHD with a lawyer wife who actually has the gall to suggest that she gets to make the decision on where he should live during a separation because she's the breadwinner? Imagine if she were a guy with a SAHM for a wife; how many people would let him get away with saying such a thing.

My reading between the lines is that we are talking about a guy with an overbearing and demanding lawyer wife who has emasculated him more than a little bit and is driving him to smoke a little weed to get through the day.

I'm reading something similar, like they moved for his job and he was forced into being a SAHD due to the circumstances, now he's self medicating because he's bored/depressed. I've been there. OP has probably never smoked pot and doesn't realize how mild it can be

+1 I got some of this too-not so much because OP is freaking out about the pot-it sounds like that has always been a serious issue for her because of her background. But the whole, what plan will I make for him and I do I have to pay for it if I kick him out, does not sound like a healthy relationship between to adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP might want to consider whether her controlling and uptight attitude is contributing to if not actually causing the problem. We're talking about a SAHD with a lawyer wife who actually has the gall to suggest that she gets to make the decision on where he should live during a separation because she's the breadwinner? Imagine if she were a guy with a SAHM for a wife; how many people would let him get away with saying such a thing.

My reading between the lines is that we are talking about a guy with an overbearing and demanding lawyer wife who has emasculated him more than a little bit and is driving him to smoke a little weed to get through the day.

I'm reading something similar, like they moved for his job and he was forced into being a SAHD due to the circumstances, now he's self medicating because he's bored/depressed. I've been there. OP has probably never smoked pot and doesn't realize how mild it can be

If you need to self medicate to get through the day, then you aren't equipped to care for kids and you likely aren't contributing much to the family. You're likely more of a liability than an asset. Who needs that?

Would you say the same about parent who have a drink/cigarette/half a pie at the end of the day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since I earn our income, do I find him a place to stay and pay for it (i.e. AirBnB)?

To me this speaks volumes. It doesn't matter who makes the money, it's both of yours. What is this, 1950?

Do some introspection, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP, I actually am sympathetic despite having posted a couple comments up thread. My mom was a smoker growing up and it caused me a great deal of stress. I wouldn't let my then-boyfriend smoke. As I aged I started having some anxiety, which wasn't helped by meds but is kept at bay with occasional marijuana use.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP might want to consider whether her controlling and uptight attitude is contributing to if not actually causing the problem. We're talking about a SAHD with a lawyer wife who actually has the gall to suggest that she gets to make the decision on where he should live during a separation because she's the breadwinner? Imagine if she were a guy with a SAHM for a wife; how many people would let him get away with saying such a thing.

My reading between the lines is that we are talking about a guy with an overbearing and demanding lawyer wife who has emasculated him more than a little bit and is driving him to smoke a little weed to get through the day.

I'm reading something similar, like they moved for his job and he was forced into being a SAHD due to the circumstances, now he's self medicating because he's bored/depressed. I've been there. OP has probably never smoked pot and doesn't realize how mild it can be

+1 I got some of this too-not so much because OP is freaking out about the pot-it sounds like that has always been a serious issue for her because of her background. But the whole, what plan will I make for him and I do I have to pay for it if I kick him out, does not sound like a healthy relationship between to adults.

If this is how my husband feels, then it is time to end the marriage. I would never want him to feel like this, But if he does, then we probably shouldn't be together. Yes, I am the one who has traditionally made decisions on all the details in our life, including the finances, and so if that isn't working for him, I don't know it.

I think my question was misunderstood. I really just don't know where people live when they separate - and what if the separation could be temporary (which takes signing a lease out of the options).

And I totally agree that many people wouldn't be bothered by someone who smokes pot every day. I respect that. But I am me and have had experiences in my life that scarred me. I've never hidden those from my husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP might want to consider whether her controlling and uptight attitude is contributing to if not actually causing the problem. We're talking about a SAHD with a lawyer wife who actually has the gall to suggest that she gets to make the decision on where he should live during a separation because she's the breadwinner? Imagine if she were a guy with a SAHM for a wife; how many people would let him get away with saying such a thing.

My reading between the lines is that we are talking about a guy with an overbearing and demanding lawyer wife who has emasculated him more than a little bit and is driving him to smoke a little weed to get through the day.

I'm reading something similar, like they moved for his job and he was forced into being a SAHD due to the circumstances, now he's self medicating because he's bored/depressed. I've been there. OP has probably never smoked pot and doesn't realize how mild it can be

If you need to self medicate to get through the day, then you aren't equipped to care for kids and you likely aren't contributing much to the family. You're likely more of a liability than an asset. Who needs that?

Would you say the same about parent who have a drink/cigarette/half a pie at the end of the day?

Yep.

Smoking throughout the day (or at all if I'm being honest) would be a deal breaker.

Drinking during the day or evening holding off until cocktail hour would be a deal breaker. Daily drinking isn't normal or healthy. If you need to drink every night, you have a problem. If you have one of two drinks every night in your 20s and 30s, you are going to hit the sauce even harder in your 40s, 50s and 60s. Several of my friends and I are dealing with parents in their 60s and 70s who are for all intents and purposes functional alcoholics. Sure it was fine when it was just one or two glasses of wine or Jack and cokes when they were younger...but if you have to unwind with drinks every night, it escalates.

And let's be honest: potheads are so lame. What grown up wants to deal with that shit when you get home from work?

My two cents: that dude needs a FT job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP might want to consider whether her controlling and uptight attitude is contributing to if not actually causing the problem. We're talking about a SAHD with a lawyer wife who actually has the gall to suggest that she gets to make the decision on where he should live during a separation because she's the breadwinner? Imagine if she were a guy with a SAHM for a wife; how many people would let him get away with saying such a thing.

My reading between the lines is that we are talking about a guy with an overbearing and demanding lawyer wife who has emasculated him more than a little bit and is driving him to smoke a little weed to get through the day.

I'm reading something similar, like they moved for his job and he was forced into being a SAHD due to the circumstances, now he's self medicating because he's bored/depressed. I've been there. OP has probably never smoked pot and doesn't realize how mild it can be

+1 I got some of this too-not so much because OP is freaking out about the pot-it sounds like that has always been a serious issue for her because of her background. But the whole, what plan will I make for him and I do I have to pay for it if I kick him out, does not sound like a healthy relationship between to adults.

If this is how my husband feels, then it is time to end the marriage. I would never want him to feel like this, But if he does, then we probably shouldn't be together. Yes, I am the one who has traditionally made decisions on all the details in our life, including the finances, and so if that isn't working for him, I don't know it.

I think my question was misunderstood. I really just don't know where people live when they separate - and what if the separation could be temporary (which takes signing a lease out of the options).

And I totally agree that many people wouldn't be bothered by someone who smokes pot every day. I respect that. But I am me and have had experiences in my life that scarred me. I've never hidden those from my husband.

He's probably smart enough to know that if he leave it could be viewed as abandonment and he doesn't have resources. If you're serious you need to see a lawyer together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP might want to consider whether her controlling and uptight attitude is contributing to if not actually causing the problem. We're talking about a SAHD with a lawyer wife who actually has the gall to suggest that she gets to make the decision on where he should live during a separation because she's the breadwinner? Imagine if she were a guy with a SAHM for a wife; how many people would let him get away with saying such a thing.

My reading between the lines is that we are talking about a guy with an overbearing and demanding lawyer wife who has emasculated him more than a little bit and is driving him to smoke a little weed to get through the day.

I'm reading something similar, like they moved for his job and he was forced into being a SAHD due to the circumstances, now he's self medicating because he's bored/depressed. I've been there. OP has probably never smoked pot and doesn't realize how mild it can be

If you need to self medicate to get through the day, then you aren't equipped to care for kids and you likely aren't contributing much to the family. You're likely more of a liability than an asset. Who needs that?

Would you say the same about parent who have a drink/cigarette/half a pie at the end of the day?

Yep.

Smoking throughout the day (or at all if I'm being honest) would be a deal breaker.

Drinking during the day or evening holding off until cocktail hour would be a deal breaker. Daily drinking isn't normal or healthy. If you need to drink every night, you have a problem. If you have one of two drinks every night in your 20s and 30s, you are going to hit the sauce even harder in your 40s, 50s and 60s. Several of my friends and I are dealing with parents in their 60s and 70s who are for all intents and purposes functional alcoholics. Sure it was fine when it was just one or two glasses of wine or Jack and cokes when they were younger...but if you have to unwind with drinks every night, it escalates.

And let's be honest: potheads are so lame. What grown up wants to deal with that shit when you get home from work?

My two cents: that dude needs a FT job.

Op has no idea how much and how often he actually smokes

[Anonymous]

OP, how did the decision for him to stay home come about? Was it something he wanted or did it happen because of relocation and childcare costs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I am the one who has traditionally made decisions on all the details in our life, including the finances, and so if that isn't working for him, I don't know it.

Based on how your husband is acting, this clearly isn't working for him. And if you didn't know it before, you sure should know it now. You really do have to do some serious introspection here and ask yourself what you're contributing to this and how you might change. Quite honestly, you sound like you'd be very difficult to live with . . .