Reply to How to handle a (hopefully) temporary separation period?

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[quote=Anonymous]Dear OP, I'm not your PP friend, and I don't know you, but I'm terribly sorry for what you've gone through.  I suspect you're in a Pacific time zone and that you're exhausted on every level.  Something deep in me also suggests you found out even worse news -- perhaps your DH has also been involved in another relationship or is asking for something more than a separation.  Whatever it is -- and I am SO sorry to say this -- it may be better for you to be separated (briefly, perhaps), and it will be okay, regardless of what happens.

You are dealing with a LOT of baggage -- none of which is your fault -- and he is dealing with a long-term addiction (this didn't happen overnight).  I am an adult child of an alcoholic/addict who is married to a functional alcoholic: I knew this when I married him two decades ago; I knew I was marrying the only thing I "knew" (pattern of addiction); and it sucks at times.  The difference is I don't have the lying that you are experiencing (or at least that I know of).  Sometimes marriages like yours and mine work; often they do not.  You have two very young children.  They don't deserve the pattern.  If you can't get through this impasse with marriage counseling, you are NOT a failure if it doesn't work.  You're just not.  You've done your best.  You are a survivor.  You will survive this, too.

One more thing:  he wanted (subconsciously perhaps) for you to find all this out -- there are no accidents when it comes to addiction (especially ones that involve remnants, smells, and phone trails).  It may be his cry for help.  Were I in your position, I'd probably try to get him in-patient treatment and after that figure out next steps.

Good luck.  You do sound like good people, truly.  I wish you all the best.

PS I'll be awake and online for a while if you want to post -- I can tell it's a tough night, and I am happy to chat with you anonymously online.[/quote]

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