How to handle a (hopefully) temporary separation period?

[Anonymous]

If he's lying about it, then he's probably smoking a lot and during the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he's lying about it, then he's probably smoking a lot and during the day.

Or he's afraid to be honest with a clearly controlling wife . . .

[Anonymous]

The bottom line is that he can't be trusted with the kids. Period.

I wouldn't tolerate it. I'm only interested in a spouse who can act like a grown up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he's lying about it, then he's probably smoking a lot and during the day.

Or it's more than once a month which he knows will make his wife blow a gasket

[Anonymous]

How did you discover that he's been hiding it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The bottom line is that he can't be trusted with the kids. Period.

I wouldn't tolerate it. I'm only interested in a spouse who can act like a grown up.

You don't know that. You just don't. The OP hasn't given a single example of anything that her husband has done that has hurt the kids. None. And you're only getting her side of the story. I have a hunch that he would say, with some credibility, that it's a long and lonely existence being a SAHD with a demanding wife who by her own admission makes all decisions and he just needs an escape at the end of the day. Again, I wonder what folks would think if the roles were reversed . . .

[Anonymous]

Some couples do it where they live in the same house. They set up a 'custody' schedule of who takes care of the kids when. The other parent may be in the house, but the kids learn who "has" them that day.
Some couples, one person moves out and lives with a friend or rents a room from someone (no lease). I've even heard of a couple where they rented a room or apt (I can't remember) and they rotated who stayed in the house, who was in the rental. So the kids stayed in one place and the parents rotated.

[Anonymous]

My ex and I did a nesting separation where we split nights staying in the house with our kid and nights saying in an apartment (we got a 6 month lease, and if you look in a not-great neighborhood, it's pretty easy to find something short term). In your husband's situation, I would never agree to move out, too much to lose. My ex and I were both on the lease at the apartment so neither of us could claim abandonment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP might want to consider whether her controlling and uptight attitude is contributing to if not actually causing the problem. We're talking about a SAHD with a lawyer wife who actually has the gall to suggest that she gets to make the decision on where he should live during a separation because she's the breadwinner? Imagine if she were a guy with a SAHM for a wife; how many people would let him get away with saying such a thing.

My reading between the lines is that we are talking about a guy with an overbearing and demanding lawyer wife who has emasculated him more than a little bit and is driving him to smoke a little weed to get through the day.

I'm reading something similar, like they moved for his job and he was forced into being a SAHD due to the circumstances, now he's self medicating because he's bored/depressed. I've been there. OP has probably never smoked pot and doesn't realize how mild it can be

If you need to self medicate to get through the day, then you aren't equipped to care for kids and you likely aren't contributing much to the family. You're likely more of a liability than an asset. Who needs that?

Would you say the same about parent who have a drink/cigarette/half a pie at the end of the day?

Yep.

Smoking throughout the day (or at all if I'm being honest) would be a deal breaker.

Drinking during the day or evening holding off until cocktail hour would be a deal breaker. Daily drinking isn't normal or healthy. If you need to drink every night, you have a problem. If you have one of two drinks every night in your 20s and 30s, you are going to hit the sauce even harder in your 40s, 50s and 60s. Several of my friends and I are dealing with parents in their 60s and 70s who are for all intents and purposes functional alcoholics. Sure it was fine when it was just one or two glasses of wine or Jack and cokes when they were younger...but if you have to unwind with drinks every night, it escalates.

And let's be honest: potheads are so lame. What grown up wants to deal with that shit when you get home from work?

My two cents: that dude needs a FT job.

I like pot way more than I like you. Given that I'd smoke you, what does that say about pot?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP might want to consider whether her controlling and uptight attitude is contributing to if not actually causing the problem. We're talking about a SAHD with a lawyer wife who actually has the gall to suggest that she gets to make the decision on where he should live during a separation because she's the breadwinner? Imagine if she were a guy with a SAHM for a wife; how many people would let him get away with saying such a thing.

My reading between the lines is that we are talking about a guy with an overbearing and demanding lawyer wife who has emasculated him more than a little bit and is driving him to smoke a little weed to get through the day.

I'm reading something similar, like they moved for his job and he was forced into being a SAHD due to the circumstances, now he's self medicating because he's bored/depressed. I've been there. OP has probably never smoked pot and doesn't realize how mild it can be

If you need to self medicate to get through the day, then you aren't equipped to care for kids and you likely aren't contributing much to the family. You're likely more of a liability than an asset. Who needs that?

Would you say the same about parent who have a drink/cigarette/half a pie at the end of the day?

Yep.

Smoking throughout the day (or at all if I'm being honest) would be a deal breaker.

Drinking during the day or evening holding off until cocktail hour would be a deal breaker. Daily drinking isn't normal or healthy. If you need to drink every night, you have a problem. If you have one of two drinks every night in your 20s and 30s, you are going to hit the sauce even harder in your 40s, 50s and 60s. Several of my friends and I are dealing with parents in their 60s and 70s who are for all intents and purposes functional alcoholics. Sure it was fine when it was just one or two glasses of wine or Jack and cokes when they were younger...but if you have to unwind with drinks every night, it escalates.

And let's be honest: potheads are so lame. What grown up wants to deal with that shit when you get home from work?

My two cents: that dude needs a FT job.

I like pot way more than I like you. Given that I'd smoke you, what does that say about pot?

And you want to be my latex salesman!!!

[Anonymous]

Who are you people bashing the OP? I am baffled. If she had said he agreed not to drink but she has found out that he was secretly drinking and lying about it, would anyone blink twice about saying that he can't be the SAHP/caregiver any longer?

Perhaps this is generational but I don't think there is anything benign about smoking pot on a regular basis unless there is a prescription and a medical reason. OP, I don't have any answers for you, but please don't take the initial responses to be indicative of the way most DCUMs would react to your situation. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who are you people bashing the OP? I am baffled. If she had said he agreed not to drink but she has found out that he was secretly drinking and lying about it, would anyone blink twice about saying that he can't be the SAHP/caregiver any longer?

Perhaps this is generational but I don't think there is anything benign about smoking pot on a regular basis unless there is a prescription and a medical reason. OP, I don't have any answers for you, but please don't take the initial responses to be indicative of the way most DCUMs would react to your situation. Good luck.

Well if they agreed he would only drink once a month, and it turned out he was having a single beer every night-he did break their agreement, but that single beer doesn't seem harmful. If they agreed to one drink a month and he's drinking throughout the day and into the night-yes that would be a problem, both because he broke the agreement and because he is impaired.

[Anonymous]

An involved father who takes the kids on camping trips and whose only flaw is secret smoking will probably get snatched up quickly if you let him go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who are you people bashing the OP? I am baffled. If she had said he agreed not to drink but she has found out that he was secretly drinking and lying about it, would anyone blink twice about saying that he can't be the SAHP/caregiver any longer?

Perhaps this is generational but I don't think there is anything benign about smoking pot on a regular basis unless there is a prescription and a medical reason. OP, I don't have any answers for you, but please don't take the initial responses to be indicative of the way most DCUMs would react to your situation. Good luck.

Is the drink affecting anything or is he just disobeying his wife's orders?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are you people bashing the OP? I am baffled. If she had said he agreed not to drink but she has found out that he was secretly drinking and lying about it, would anyone blink twice about saying that he can't be the SAHP/caregiver any longer?

Perhaps this is generational but I don't think there is anything benign about smoking pot on a regular basis unless there is a prescription and a medical reason. OP, I don't have any answers for you, but please don't take the initial responses to be indicative of the way most DCUMs would react to your situation. Good luck.

Is the drink affecting anything or is he just disobeying his wife's orders?

Op here. Just to be clear, I haven't been giving "orders". After a lot of hard emotional work and many sessions of marriage counseling, we came up with an agreement that could work for both of us. Part of the reason for the agreement as to build trust, and part was to move to the point where I could see pot as "harmless" after my horrible child (and adult) experiences with my father. The issue for me comes down to respect and trust in your partner. I wouldn't be making me this post if he had come to me to say "I'd like to change our agreement" or "our agreement isn't working". But that isn't how this came about.