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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I feel for you. I, too, grew up with a parent who used marijuana regularly, and I hated it. It made me feel like the pot was more important than parenting me. I realized later in life that if I had felt well cared for in loved in general, the pot may not have bothered me so much. Just some food for thought.

My question is: did you know about your DH's pot use when you got married? You said it wasn't how you envisioned your married/co-parenting life. Did your DH know that, though? Or was it just your thought/assumption that that's how things would go? If you never agreed on it pre-marriage, I could see how he might think it was unfair that he is expected to change. Yes, he agreed to change his habits, but did he have another choice at that point?

I don't think I would be okay with it either, honestly, but that doesn't really seem like the issue. The issue is that your DH was dishonest. But, did he feel backed into a corner of promising to cut down his use, like he had no other choice? Something to think about, as it does matter how the two of you came to this agreement.

You sound an awful lot like a friend of mine. If it's you, just know that you are an amazing person, mother and friend. Your family has been through such a hard time recently, I hope you and DH can really cut each other some slack. And I know your DH is an awesome person, father, and husband too! We all have our flaws.

[/quote]

As this thread has developed, I was slightly concerned that someone would realize who I am.  The reason I sought anonymous advice was because I don't want any of my family/friends to think anything negative about my DH, because he is an amazing person deep down who is going through a tough time.  I hope you don't mind if I open up our own discussion here (if my DH's initials are SM, do you know mine?)

First -- your leading observation took my breath away.  You put into words what I've never been able to.  "It made me feel that pot was more important than [loving/supporting/being an involved partner to] me."  This explains the visceral reactions I have, the complete breakdowns this leads to, and my inability to approach this situation in a rational/detached manner.  Now that I have words for this, I can start working on it and healing this emotional channel.  Thank you anonymous friend -- seriously, thank you.

Second -- with your observation, I can put my situation into better words.  My emotions tell me that I can't live with him smoking pot because I feel abandoned, alone, unsupported, untethered, and vulnerable to complete and total destruction.  His actions tell me that he can't/won't give it up.  So what do I do?  What should I be thinking about?  How can he and I get through this?

Third -- to answer your questions.  I did not know about my DH's pot use when we met/dated/got married.  I knew it had been a part of his past, but it wasn't something he did during the first 5 years of our relationship.  I am pretty sure I told him about my marijuana stance before 2011.  But, if not, that is when my dad issues wedged themselves into my life.  My DH watched me cry and breakdown as my dad spent our wedding weekend high out of his mind, then chose marijuana over his stable life, manipulating me to give him thousands of dollars that (I found out later) dad used to fund his marijuana operation, eventually leading to his arrest/jail/living with DH and me while on probation/depression/death.  If there was any doubt about how I felt about marijuana and the harm it caused in my life, these events should have cleared it up.  [/quote]

Now, to reply to the rest of your comments.

I'm so happy that my observation was able to help you. Growing up around a pot-smoking parent really was secondary to the other fears I had -- I did not feel physically safe, financially safe, or stable in any way.  So, to see something happening that took away the precious resources I needed -- it was just another thing that was higher priority than me.

I guess I would ask how you think things would be if your DH didn't smoke pot. Do you think you would feel stable, secure, tethered, etc.? Do you think that's something else at play that is causing at least a part of your feelings?

It sounds like when he chooses to smoke pot, the message you are receiving is that he cares about it more than he cares about your feelings, and that he is irresponsible.

I have to say, I, too, would feel like my DH was choosing pot over my feelings, given all the situational details with your dad, and your DH watching how much it upset you. But, I know your husband is a good guy so I am prone to think he is not looking at it this way. Pot really is not a big deal to a lot of people.

One other question for you. Are you worried that your husband will use pot to deal with all of the grief your family has experienced recently, and spiral out of control? Would you feel better about occasional use if you knew he was taking care of and responsibility for his issues in other ways as well? (I.e., seeing a personal counselor, doing yoga or whatever it is that might help him relax).
[/quote]

Thank you friend. I feel like I'm able to receive your advice (and be more open myself) if I remain anonymous for now. Tho I want you to tell me who you are once I'm on the other side of this so I can truly express my gratitude!

I feel secure and stable with DH, but the minute I find out he is smoking pot it's like that entire foundation crumbles immediately. An instant trigger. I think this further reinforces that this is a deep issue that likely existed long before DH.

And yes. When he chooses to smoke the MessagePad reaffirmed that pot is more important than me and more important than this life he and I have built together. It's what makes me want to end things, because he can't/won't put my needs first on this one.

Then I think about the other effects of living with a daily smoker. What happens when we travel?  Either need to secure marihuana source or deal with a grumpy and irritable spouse. Always feel like at the end of the day he is looking at the clock counting the minutes until he can be done with "family/wife time" and go get high. Worried about how to explain it to our children one day.

And then separately I worry about it being out of control due to his addiction background. But that is actually not the driving fear and emotion - it's a mere blip on the screen right now.

I am sitting at work totally unable to concentrate. Sick to my stomach. Dreading going home at 4 to switch off childcare. At a loss as to how to even get through until tomorrow. [/quote]

Friend here. I just reread your OP, and the recent ones. I'm glad to hear that your DH is seeing an individual counselor. I hope he is open with the counselor about his pot use. What do you think he is medicating with the pot? Anxiety, depression, etc.? If he is smoking it every day, it has to be something.

Looking at the whole picture, I don't blame you for feeling betrayed. I think he did betray you by watching you suffer with your dad's issues around marijuana, and then fail to be upfront with you about his own use.

It sounds like you did try to compromise, too, with the once-a-month thing.

Does he say why it is so important to him?

You are always the strong one, supporting your friends and family. You don't have to be right now. You don't have to carry the weight of this secret. I'm not saying you need to blast it on facebook, but it might feel really good to confide in a trusted friend or family member. A good friend will not think badly of you or your husband. A good friend will know that we are all human. And honestly, I've always thought that a big way to deepen a friendship is to share vulnerabilities, and let the person be there for you. The friend doesn't even have to give you advice, but I bet you could use some commiseration.

Hang in there.[/quote]

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