How to handle a (hopefully) temporary separation period?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh honey. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

First thing first, OP. Get that infant into daycare. aYou are going to need it anyway when he's gone and it will take away the whole I'm a SAHP thing pay me extra support and alimony your DH is (likely) going to pull when you are in a divorce proceeding. Second, get good childcare because your children are being cared for by a pothead. That doesn't bode well.

Third, you need to get to an attorney asap. They will give you a road map to follow to protect your assets and children, including what type of documentation would be helpful in a child custody proceeding.

Finally, go to therapy. Alone. You need to take a beat and look into how you can be the most stable caregiver for your children.

+1 on infant daycare. A guy who is high everyday doesn't get to be a stay at home dad caring for a 7 month old. If there was some accident or illness and your 7 month old had to be taken to the ER by his high father, you could lose custody of your child even though weed is legal. And you wouldn't necessarily be viewed as a reliable caretaker either since you are knowingly leaving your infant in the care of someone who is high everyday. (Same could happen if drunk parent showed up at ER.)

Consult a lawyer about the care of an infant by a high parent and document.

Thanks to you both. I am actually a lawyer (not family law, but I know enough to know my way around). I'm meeting with a divorce attorney next week and researching childcare options for my 3 yo and 7 mos old now. He claims he doesn't get high or smoke during the day, but I don't believe him. He claims this is just at night after me and the kids go to bed.

Also - anyone have any sense of how much 4 grams of weed is and how much a "regular" person smokes at once? Due to my childhood with an addict, I definitely shied away from any drug use in college and all my friends were drug free too.

I believe an 1/8 is 3.5 grams... I'd say I'm "regular" and 4 grams would last me 5-7 days.
Sorry you're dealing with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guest room, but honestly I wouldn't end a marriage over smoking weed.

Did you see that he's the primary care-giver? Would you be okay with your babysitter or child's teacher being high?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guest room, but honestly I wouldn't end a marriage over smoking weed.

I've been around people who smoke daily and it's annoying as hell. Who wants to be around someone who is spaced out all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guest room, but honestly I wouldn't end a marriage over smoking weed.

I've been around people who smoke daily and it's annoying as hell. Who wants to be around someone who is spaced out all the time.

I agree with this conceptually but also with PP and I guess it really depends on the amount of use (which I am not educated enough to have an opinion on). For example, if this is the equivilant of having a glass of wine at the end of the day, than it doesn't seem like he's watching the kids while high or an addict. But if its like drinking a bottle of wine every morning then obviously that is different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop making him lie. Accept him as he is. Or leave him.

Did you not read my post? This is about the separation, which means I'm starting the process of leaving him. If he wants to change, then I'm willing to reconsider if he can seek help for his addictions, otherwise the separation will be permanent.

You can't make him want to change, which is what the title of your post suggests: that threatening divorce will make him want to change.

In your situation, I would throw him out completely and find him someplace else to stay while you begin divorce proceedings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guest room, but honestly I wouldn't end a marriage over smoking weed.

I've been around people who smoke daily and it's annoying as hell. Who wants to be around someone who is spaced out all the time.

I agree with this conceptually but also with PP and I guess it really depends on the amount of use (which I am not educated enough to have an opinion on). For example, if this is the equivilant of having a glass of wine at the end of the day, than it doesn't seem like he's watching the kids while high or an addict. But if its like drinking a bottle of wine every morning then obviously that is different.

I'm also not sure what I'm dealing with - and I just don't trust him to tell me the truth. Two weeks ago he took our 3 yo son camping with another group of dads and kids. I know that he bought 5 grams the hour before he left town. When I brought this up this morning, he claimed he didn't smoke any while he was camping. I find that pretty hard to believe. And if he was smoking while camping with our 3 yo, then I'm super pissed at the bag judgment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guest room, but honestly I wouldn't end a marriage over smoking weed.

I would. My husband is abusive and insane when he smokes pot. No way in hell I'd put up with even one day a month. It all depends on the person smoking.

[Anonymous]

If he doesn't want to leave, how is OP going to kick him out for doing something legal?

OP: you want a separation and you aren't comfortable with him being the primary caretaker for your children (if he's high while taking care of them, which may or may not be happening).

So you need to sit down with him and negotiate. I don't think you are going to get any traction with a judge ordering your husband out of the house. Maybe he will voluntarily agree to leave, but in answer to your question about paying for a place for him to stay-half of your household assets are his, so you don't get to decide unilaterally how much that place will cost. And if you divorce, you may end up paying for both childcare and spousal support.

I understand pothead husband=dealbreaker for you. But it sounds like he is a decent person aside from this issue. What if you did a temporary in-place separation, put the kids in childcare, and he gets a job. If he had a job, he would likely have less time to smoke and you wouldn't worry about the kids. Once you have that stability you can work on a longterm solution.

[Anonymous]

Kids need to be in daycare, and Papa Pothead needs to get a FT job. If he can hold down a FT job despite his smoking up...and you think he adds value to the family...then maybe this can work.

Personally, I wouldn't let a pothead care for or DRIVE my kids anywhere. Ymmv.

[Anonymous]

I would not trust someone with an addiction issue to be home with a baby and toddler.

sorry you are going through this, but I am in your camp. Not ok.

It may be that getting a job will help him deal with whatever is driving him to smoke, but he has got to quit independently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guest room, but honestly I wouldn't end a marriage over smoking weed.

OP mentioned that he is a SAHD. I would absolutely end my marriage over him being high while taking care of our child. Would you be okay with your DH as a SAHD who drinks?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he doesn't want to leave, how is OP going to kick him out for doing something legal?

OP: you want a separation and you aren't comfortable with him being the primary caretaker for your children (if he's high while taking care of them, which may or may not be happening).

So you need to sit down with him and negotiate. I don't think you are going to get any traction with a judge ordering your husband out of the house. Maybe he will voluntarily agree to leave, but in answer to your question about paying for a place for him to stay-half of your household assets are his, so you don't get to decide unilaterally how much that place will cost. And if you divorce, you may end up paying for both childcare and spousal support.

I understand pothead husband=dealbreaker for you. But it sounds like he is a decent person aside from this issue. What if you did a temporary in-place separation, put the kids in childcare, and he gets a job. If he had a job, he would likely have less time to smoke and you wouldn't worry about the kids. Once you have that stability you can work on a longterm solution.

He is a really decent person aside from this. And he has been dealing with a lot of complex emotions (sudden death in his close family a few months back), so I want to be understanding. But I also have limits on what I know I can live with. This actually sounds like it may be a workable solution. I'm bringing it with me to our marriage counselor on Monday.

I really don't want to end my marriage

[Anonymous]

1. Kids go to daycare.
2. He gets a FT job.
3. He quits or enters treatment (might not be necessary if he has a job and doesn't have loads of free time on his hands).
4. Drug testing to make sure he isn't lying.
5. Trust is eventually restored.

Marriage is saved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guest room, but honestly I wouldn't end a marriage over smoking weed.

+1. Wow. I'm stunned that you would end a marriage over something that is apparently not a major problem for anyone except you.

[Anonymous]

It's not really clear, is he an addict whose choice of using drugs is having a negative impact on your lives or is it something he does privately that you don't approve of?