Reply to How to handle a (hopefully) temporary separation period?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Dear OP, I'm not your PP friend, and I don't know you, but I'm terribly sorry for what you've gone through.  I suspect you're in a Pacific time zone and that you're exhausted on every level.  Something deep in me also suggests you found out even worse news -- perhaps your DH has also been involved in another relationship or is asking for something more than a separation.  Whatever it is -- and I am SO sorry to say this -- it may be better for you to be separated (briefly, perhaps), and it will be okay, regardless of what happens.

You are dealing with a LOT of baggage -- none of which is your fault -- and he is dealing with a long-term addiction (this didn't happen overnight).  I am an adult child of an alcoholic/addict who is married to a functional alcoholic: I knew this when I married him two decades ago; I knew I was marrying the only thing I "knew" (pattern of addiction); and it sucks at times.  The difference is I don't have the lying that you are experiencing (or at least that I know of).  Sometimes marriages like yours and mine work; often they do not.  You have two very young children.  They don't deserve the pattern.  If you can't get through this impasse with marriage counseling, you are NOT a failure if it doesn't work.  You're just not.  You've done your best.  You are a survivor.  You will survive this, too.

One more thing:  he wanted (subconsciously perhaps) for you to find all this out -- there are no accidents when it comes to addiction (especially ones that involve remnants, smells, and phone trails).  It may be his cry for help.  Were I in your position, I'd probably try to get him in-patient treatment and after that figure out next steps.

Good luck.  You do sound like good people, truly.  I wish you all the best.

PS I'll be awake and online for a while if you want to post -- I can tell it's a tough night, and I am happy to chat with you anonymously online.[/quote]

Thank you for your kind words and concern. We tried to have a reasonable discussion, and within 5 minutes it escalated to a level I've never experienced. My poor DH had a mental break and ended up in an ambulance to the ER and a psych evaluation. I think you are spot on when you say this was a cry for help. I am hoping with all my heart that last night can be a turning point and he can get the help he needs. I expect getting some appropriate medication and psych treatment is easier said than done.

Right now we are taking a break, but have been in very limited contact via text. I've left him in charge of finding his own solutions right now, with the option to stay in the converted garage and use the house when the kids and I aren't here. He has arranged appointments for next week. So in many ways it's now a waiting game.

But I may have gotten lucky and stumbled on a great nanny share that will start next month. So just need to figure out my childcare arrangement for the next few weeks. [/quote]

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