How to handle a (hopefully) temporary separation period?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are you people bashing the OP? I am baffled. If she had said he agreed not to drink but she has found out that he was secretly drinking and lying about it, would anyone blink twice about saying that he can't be the SAHP/caregiver any longer?

Perhaps this is generational but I don't think there is anything benign about smoking pot on a regular basis unless there is a prescription and a medical reason. OP, I don't have any answers for you, but please don't take the initial responses to be indicative of the way most DCUMs would react to your situation. Good luck.

Is the drink affecting anything or is he just disobeying his wife's orders?

Op here. Just to be clear, I haven't been giving "orders". After a lot of hard emotional work and many sessions of marriage counseling, we came up with an agreement that could work for both of us. Part of the reason for the agreement as to build trust, and part was to move to the point where I could see pot as "harmless" after my horrible child (and adult) experiences with my father. The issue for me comes down to respect and trust in your partner. I wouldn't be making me this post if he had come to me to say "I'd like to change our agreement" or "our agreement isn't working". But that isn't how this came about.

How long has he been hiding it and how did you find out?

[Anonymous]

I wish that pot, other drugs, alcohol, and tobacco were all illegal everywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are you people bashing the OP? I am baffled. If she had said he agreed not to drink but she has found out that he was secretly drinking and lying about it, would anyone blink twice about saying that he can't be the SAHP/caregiver any longer?

Perhaps this is generational but I don't think there is anything benign about smoking pot on a regular basis unless there is a prescription and a medical reason. OP, I don't have any answers for you, but please don't take the initial responses to be indicative of the way most DCUMs would react to your situation. Good luck.

Is the drink affecting anything or is he just disobeying his wife's orders?

Op here. Just to be clear, I haven't been giving "orders". After a lot of hard emotional work and many sessions of marriage counseling, we came up with an agreement that could work for both of us. Part of the reason for the agreement as to build trust, and part was to move to the point where I could see pot as "harmless" after my horrible child (and adult) experiences with my father. The issue for me comes down to respect and trust in your partner. I wouldn't be making me this post if he had come to me to say "I'd like to change our agreement" or "our agreement isn't working". But that isn't how this came about.

How long has he been hiding it and how did you find out?

About a month. I found an empty container on the ground by his car when I was taking the trash out. Then when I opened his car door it smelled super strong. So I picked up his phone (part of our agreement) and there were a series of orders from the weed delivery service for various orders over the past month.

[Anonymous]

Can you find a job in a state where it isn't legal and harder to get?

[Anonymous]

This is all because he smokes some weed? How did you end up married if you are so uptight about pot smoking and he is a stoner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guest room, but honestly I wouldn't end a marriage over smoking weed.

This is a legit reason to end a marriage. Why wouldn't it....??! Who wants to be married to someone who likes to inhale this stuff into their lungs daily thus creating a person who not only wants to eat everything in the pantry, but also laughs at everything and everyone for no good reason, all while sitting on the couch w/glassy and bloodshot eyes. Wow...Real winner there. A real catch. Not.

OP, like you stated, there is also the issue of deception, betrayal and addiction here. These are all huge dealbreakers in any relationship, romantic or not.

People who need to smoke weed daily are addicts in my opinion.

Anyway, that being said...I say stick to your guns. Tell your husband in no uncertain terms will you take him back unless he seeks professional help with his drug problem. He already had a warning and blew it. If he gets defensive and refuses, then you know how dedicated he is to your marriage and family sadly.

Re: His living situation...Can you afford to hire a provider to watch the kids while you work?? If so, great. If not, you will still need him around for childcare so you may have no other choice but to let him continue living on the property. The guest house will work for now.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Why doesn't he have a job? Sounds like a loser. And is he high all day looking after your 7 month old??

[Anonymous]

Send him to treatment ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The bottom line is that he can't be trusted with the kids. Period.

I wouldn't tolerate it. I'm only interested in a spouse who can act like a grown up.

You don't know that. You just don't. The OP hasn't given a single example of anything that her husband has done that has hurt the kids. None. And you're only getting her side of the story. I have a hunch that he would say, with some credibility, that it's a long and lonely existence being a SAHD with a demanding wife who by her own admission makes all decisions and he just needs an escape at the end of the day. Again, I wonder what folks would think if the roles were reversed . . .

Lazy and pot smoker is bad regardless of gender. I'm sure she makes household decisions because he just doesn't care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since I earn our income, do I find him a place to stay and pay for it (i.e. AirBnB)?

To me this speaks volumes. It doesn't matter who makes the money, it's both of yours. What is this, 1950?

Do some introspection, OP.

Well, she will need to support two households so what she earns and can afford is relevant here; she needs to find something that is affordable to her. I see it as a practical thing, not a 1950s thing.

[Anonymous]

For people looking for evidence of an actual problem resulting from the daily or frequent pot smoking, versus the OP just being controlling, the DH violated an agreement and lied in order to conceal that he had done so. His apathy (no job) may also be a result of his frequent use of pot.

[Anonymous]

Google marijuana and apathy.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel for you. I, too, grew up with a parent who used marijuana regularly, and I hated it. It made me feel like the pot was more important than parenting me. I realized later in life that if I had felt well cared for in loved in general, the pot may not have bothered me so much. Just some food for thought.

My question is: did you know about your DH's pot use when you got married? You said it wasn't how you envisioned your married/co-parenting life. Did your DH know that, though? Or was it just your thought/assumption that that's how things would go? If you never agreed on it pre-marriage, I could see how he might think it was unfair that he is expected to change. Yes, he agreed to change his habits, but did he have another choice at that point?

I don't think I would be okay with it either, honestly, but that doesn't really seem like the issue. The issue is that your DH was dishonest. But, did he feel backed into a corner of promising to cut down his use, like he had no other choice? Something to think about, as it does matter how the two of you came to this agreement.

You sound an awful lot like a friend of mine. If it's you, just know that you are an amazing person, mother and friend. Your family has been through such a hard time recently, I hope you and DH can really cut each other some slack. And I know your DH is an awesome person, father, and husband too! We all have our flaws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since I earn our income, do I find him a place to stay and pay for it (i.e. AirBnB)?

To me this speaks volumes. It doesn't matter who makes the money, it's both of yours. What is this, 1950?

Do some introspection, OP.

Well, she will need to support two households so what she earns and can afford is relevant here; she needs to find something that is affordable to her. I see it as a practical thing, not a 1950s thing.

Their household income and what they can afford is relevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guest room, but honestly I wouldn't end a marriage over smoking weed.

This is a legit reason to end a marriage. Why wouldn't it....??! Who wants to be married to someone who likes to inhale this stuff into their lungs daily thus creating a person who not only wants to eat everything in the pantry, but also laughs at everything and everyone for no good reason, all while sitting on the couch w/glassy and bloodshot eyes. Wow...Real winner there. A real catch. Not.

OP, like you stated, there is also the issue of deception, betrayal and addiction here. These are all huge dealbreakers in any relationship, romantic or not.

People who need to smoke weed daily are addicts in my opinion.

Anyway, that being said...I say stick to your guns. Tell your husband in no uncertain terms will you take him back unless he seeks professional help with his drug problem. He already had a warning and blew it. If he gets defensive and refuses, then you know how dedicated he is to your marriage and family sadly.

Re: His living situation...Can you afford to hire a provider to watch the kids while you work?? If so, great. If not, you will still need him around for childcare so you may have no other choice but to let him continue living on the property. The guest house will work for now.

Good luck.

You are probably around people who have recently smoked all the time without realizing it. It's not all refer madness just like everyone who has a drink doesn't get frat boy wasted.