Spendthrift DH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know why this is such a source of stress for you. Sit down, figure out a budget, including what goes into the savings/retirement accounts that aren't readily accessible. So, every 1st of the month, that money goes into the kitty. Whatever is left you spend that month. Assume it will be all gone. He and you can't spend the money you don't have. That's it. Assume that whatever is left after the savings/retirement contribution is made will be gone by the 30th of each month.

OP here, are you not reading along? What you describe takes discipline and the whole point of this thread is that DH lacks discipline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get all the disdain for OP. It sounds like her husband appreciates what she does for the family, but has trouble staying with the program.

But as for the program, OP, you need to find some common ground. Like set clear savings goals, regular evaluations of your retirements, etc, but don't make it a daily battle. Don't meet the monthly goal and then try to save some more. Don't incessantly harp on how much things cost. If giving your H a set amount of money to blow through every week or month without reservation helps, then do that. Just make sure to set goals that you both agree on.

Also take a good look at yourself. It sounds like you have your stuff together, but some people can never get over an impoverished childhood. My stepmother was a wartime refugee and she hoards canned goods and slips rolls into her purse at buffets. She can't help herself. My best friend also worries continually about money and would freak out when contractors came over to start home improvements that she and her husband had already agreed on and budgeted for. Both of those women could have benefitted from some counseling (one did get counseling and medication and it helped a lot.)

GL

OP here, this post is very helpful. Thanks. I am not at the point of needing therapy, though I have relatives who are as you describe. Poverty can be very traumatic. I am going to go with the pocket money idea. It is a great one.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am squarely in your corner on this. If you think he'll participate, try installing YNAB budgeting software (sorry, didn't read the whole thread so maybe it's been suggested already). It "gives every dollar a job" and includes free webinars and tutorials.

You can compromise on many things, but financial stability is not one of them.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you admire Asian and African values so much, you should've taken that into consideration when choosing a mate. Choosing someone whose values you don't respect and then changing them is not how any of this works. You set yourself up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you admire Asian and African values so much, you should've taken that into consideration when choosing a mate. Choosing someone whose values you don't respect and then changing them is not how any of this works. You set yourself up.

+1. I think you saw your husband as a financial project, like paying off your loans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you admire Asian and African values so much, you should've taken that into consideration when choosing a mate. Choosing someone whose values you don't respect and then changing them is not how any of this works. You set yourself up.

OP here, did I write that I do not respect his values in general? This thread and my posts have been about finances. I am sure you realize there is more to a person's values than just financial know-how (or lack thereof). I think some of you in this thread are posting more because you see yourself in the people I criticize than because you have anything useful to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am squarely in your corner on this. If you think he'll participate, try installing YNAB budgeting software (sorry, didn't read the whole thread so maybe it's been suggested already). It "gives every dollar a job" and includes free webinars and tutorials.

You can compromise on many things, but financial stability is not one of them.

Thank you. This is a helpful suggestion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you admire Asian and African values so much, you should've taken that into consideration when choosing a mate. Choosing someone whose values you don't respect and then changing them is not how any of this works. You set yourself up.

OP here, did I write that I do not respect his values in general? This thread and my posts have been about finances. I am sure you realize there is more to a person's values than just financial know-how (or lack thereof). I think some of you in this thread are posting more because you see yourself in the people I criticize than because you have anything useful to say.

I can only speak for me, but I don't see myself in the people you criticize, I see your disrespectful attitude towards your poor DH and think it's a shame. Retrain him? He's not a damn dog. And everyone knows that how people handle money has a huge impact on a marriage. If you had such a problem with such an important part of him, you should've thought twice about marrying him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know why this is such a source of stress for you. Sit down, figure out a budget, including what goes into the savings/retirement accounts that aren't readily accessible. So, every 1st of the month, that money goes into the kitty. Whatever is left you spend that month. Assume it will be all gone. He and you can't spend the money you don't have. That's it. Assume that whatever is left after the savings/retirement contribution is made will be gone by the 30th of each month.

OP here, are you not reading along? What you describe takes discipline and the whole point of this thread is that DH lacks discipline.

What's there to read? Didn't you say you are in charge of family finances? Were you lying? Set it up so that a certain amount goes into untouchable accounts after every payday. If you can't touch it, you can't spend it. Do you need a refresher on financial instruments that aren't readily accessible? The Internet is your friend.

I also think that you aren't a very pleasant person and you don't deal well with being challenged.

Finally, you seem to have a lot of contempt to the American values, whatever you mean by it, and that contempt is very obvious, regardless of what you say. You are entitled to it, but why did you choose to marry an American? Certainly, this area is awash with young Asians with whom you could have had a very harmonious life. And don't comfort yourself that this is about the difference between Asian and American values. You, my dear, are dealing with class differences. Your values aren't "Asian" values per se. They are the values of Asian underclass and shopkeepers, a class of people for whom money was never a certainty, and whose well-being use to hang on the thinnest of threads. This is not a diss against them - they can be honorable people who lead honorable lives, but their values are shaped by their reality, and their reality was that money was not a certainty. People who lived comfortable lives, regardless of the continent, don't have the insecurity toward money you seem to have. We are friends with Nigerian attorneys, Singaporean investment bankers, Bengali surgeons, Chinese property business people etc. None of them have the traits you describe as "Asian" or "African". It's not a cultural divide. It's a class divide. A Russian investment banker is much closer to a French investment banker than to a Russian janitor. You may want to ponder this for a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know why this is such a source of stress for you. Sit down, figure out a budget, including what goes into the savings/retirement accounts that aren't readily accessible. So, every 1st of the month, that money goes into the kitty. Whatever is left you spend that month. Assume it will be all gone. He and you can't spend the money you don't have. That's it. Assume that whatever is left after the savings/retirement contribution is made will be gone by the 30th of each month.

OP here, are you not reading along? What you describe takes discipline and the whole point of this thread is that DH lacks discipline.

What's there to read? Didn't you say you are in charge of family finances? Were you lying? Set it up so that a certain amount goes into untouchable accounts after every payday. If you can't touch it, you can't spend it. Do you need a refresher on financial instruments that aren't readily accessible? The Internet is your friend.

I also think that you aren't a very pleasant person and you don't deal well with being challenged.

Finally, you seem to have a lot of contempt to the American values, whatever you mean by it, and that contempt is very obvious, regardless of what you say. You are entitled to it, but why did you choose to marry an American? Certainly, this area is awash with young Asians with whom you could have had a very harmonious life. And don't comfort yourself that this is about the difference between Asian and American values. You, my dear, are dealing with class differences. Your values aren't "Asian" values per se. They are the values of Asian underclass and shopkeepers, a class of people for whom money was never a certainty, and whose well-being use to hang on the thinnest of threads. This is not a diss against them - they can be honorable people who lead honorable lives, but their values are shaped by their reality, and their reality was that money was not a certainty. People who lived comfortable lives, regardless of the continent, don't have the insecurity toward money you seem to have. We are friends with Nigerian attorneys, Singaporean investment bankers, Bengali surgeons, Chinese property business people etc. None of them have the traits you describe as "Asian" or "African". It's not a cultural divide. It's a class divide. A Russian investment banker is much closer to a French investment banker than to a Russian janitor. You may want to ponder this for a while.

Honestly I am shocked at the hate for the OP considering how dcum is typically advising people to live below their means, fully fund retirement, etc. I am in OPs corner on this.

OP, I am in a very similar boat as you, and DH and I are both white americans, so I don't think the issue is as much cultural as different people have different tolerances for debt and risk and values for spending money. There are plenty of immigrants who quickly amass debt trying to keep up, live the dream, etc. I agree with you, it is tiring always nagging and occassionally yelling at DH to be responsible with money. I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss the idea of a financial counselor. I would like to do this but haven't been able to find anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know why this is such a source of stress for you. Sit down, figure out a budget, including what goes into the savings/retirement accounts that aren't readily accessible. So, every 1st of the month, that money goes into the kitty. Whatever is left you spend that month. Assume it will be all gone. He and you can't spend the money you don't have. That's it. Assume that whatever is left after the savings/retirement contribution is made will be gone by the 30th of each month.

OP here, are you not reading along? What you describe takes discipline and the whole point of this thread is that DH lacks discipline.

What's there to read? Didn't you say you are in charge of family finances? Were you lying? Set it up so that a certain amount goes into untouchable accounts after every payday. If you can't touch it, you can't spend it. Do you need a refresher on financial instruments that aren't readily accessible? The Internet is your friend.

I also think that you aren't a very pleasant person and you don't deal well with being challenged.

Finally, you seem to have a lot of contempt to the American values, whatever you mean by it, and that contempt is very obvious, regardless of what you say. You are entitled to it, but why did you choose to marry an American? Certainly, this area is awash with young Asians with whom you could have had a very harmonious life. And don't comfort yourself that this is about the difference between Asian and American values. You, my dear, are dealing with class differences. Your values aren't "Asian" values per se. They are the values of Asian underclass and shopkeepers, a class of people for whom money was never a certainty, and whose well-being use to hang on the thinnest of threads. This is not a diss against them - they can be honorable people who lead honorable lives, but their values are shaped by their reality, and their reality was that money was not a certainty. People who lived comfortable lives, regardless of the continent, don't have the insecurity toward money you seem to have. We are friends with Nigerian attorneys, Singaporean investment bankers, Bengali surgeons, Chinese property business people etc. None of them have the traits you describe as "Asian" or "African". It's not a cultural divide. It's a class divide. A Russian investment banker is much closer to a French investment banker than to a Russian janitor. You may want to ponder this for a while.

Honestly I am shocked at the hate for the OP considering how dcum is typically advising people to live below their means, fully fund retirement, etc. I am in OPs corner on this.

OP, I am in a very similar boat as you, and DH and I are both white americans, so I don't think the issue is as much cultural as different people have different tolerances for debt and risk and values for spending money. There are plenty of immigrants who quickly amass debt trying to keep up, live the dream, etc. I agree with you, it is tiring always nagging and occassionally yelling at DH to be responsible with money. I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss the idea of a financial counselor. I would like to do this but haven't been able to find anyone.

That's what happens when you couch your message about the importance of saving money in undisguised contempt for the values of your adopted country, and describe a grown man as if he was a dog. She would have received nothing but support if her writings weren't all about "you Americans bad", "us Asians good". Was it honestly necessary to bring into the discussion? Don't American spouses have disagreements about money?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know why this is such a source of stress for you. Sit down, figure out a budget, including what goes into the savings/retirement accounts that aren't readily accessible. So, every 1st of the month, that money goes into the kitty. Whatever is left you spend that month. Assume it will be all gone. He and you can't spend the money you don't have. That's it. Assume that whatever is left after the savings/retirement contribution is made will be gone by the 30th of each month.

OP here, are you not reading along? What you describe takes discipline and the whole point of this thread is that DH lacks discipline.

What's there to read? Didn't you say you are in charge of family finances? Were you lying? Set it up so that a certain amount goes into untouchable accounts after every payday. If you can't touch it, you can't spend it. Do you need a refresher on financial instruments that aren't readily accessible? The Internet is your friend.

I also think that you aren't a very pleasant person and you don't deal well with being challenged.

Finally, you seem to have a lot of contempt to the American values, whatever you mean by it, and that contempt is very obvious, regardless of what you say. You are entitled to it, but why did you choose to marry an American? Certainly, this area is awash with young Asians with whom you could have had a very harmonious life. And don't comfort yourself that this is about the difference between Asian and American values. You, my dear, are dealing with class differences. Your values aren't "Asian" values per se. They are the values of Asian underclass and shopkeepers, a class of people for whom money was never a certainty, and whose well-being use to hang on the thinnest of threads. This is not a diss against them - they can be honorable people who lead honorable lives, but their values are shaped by their reality, and their reality was that money was not a certainty. People who lived comfortable lives, regardless of the continent, don't have the insecurity toward money you seem to have. We are friends with Nigerian attorneys, Singaporean investment bankers, Bengali surgeons, Chinese property business people etc. None of them have the traits you describe as "Asian" or "African". It's not a cultural divide. It's a class divide. A Russian investment banker is much closer to a French investment banker than to a Russian janitor. You may want to ponder this for a while.

Honestly I am shocked at the hate for the OP considering how dcum is typically advising people to live below their means, fully fund retirement, etc. I am in OPs corner on this.

OP, I am in a very similar boat as you, and DH and I are both white americans, so I don't think the issue is as much cultural as different people have different tolerances for debt and risk and values for spending money. There are plenty of immigrants who quickly amass debt trying to keep up, live the dream, etc. I agree with you, it is tiring always nagging and occassionally yelling at DH to be responsible with money. I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss the idea of a financial counselor. I would like to do this but haven't been able to find anyone.

Dcum hates people who complain about their spouses when the problem was present before marriage, with good reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know why this is such a source of stress for you. Sit down, figure out a budget, including what goes into the savings/retirement accounts that aren't readily accessible. So, every 1st of the month, that money goes into the kitty. Whatever is left you spend that month. Assume it will be all gone. He and you can't spend the money you don't have. That's it. Assume that whatever is left after the savings/retirement contribution is made will be gone by the 30th of each month.

OP here, are you not reading along? What you describe takes discipline and the whole point of this thread is that DH lacks discipline.

What's there to read? Didn't you say you are in charge of family finances? Were you lying? Set it up so that a certain amount goes into untouchable accounts after every payday. If you can't touch it, you can't spend it. Do you need a refresher on financial instruments that aren't readily accessible? The Internet is your friend.

I also think that you aren't a very pleasant person and you don't deal well with being challenged.

Finally, you seem to have a lot of contempt to the American values, whatever you mean by it, and that contempt is very obvious, regardless of what you say. You are entitled to it, but why did you choose to marry an American? Certainly, this area is awash with young Asians with whom you could have had a very harmonious life. And don't comfort yourself that this is about the difference between Asian and American values. You, my dear, are dealing with class differences. Your values aren't "Asian" values per se. They are the values of Asian underclass and shopkeepers, a class of people for whom money was never a certainty, and whose well-being use to hang on the thinnest of threads. This is not a diss against them - they can be honorable people who lead honorable lives, but their values are shaped by their reality, and their reality was that money was not a certainty. People who lived comfortable lives, regardless of the continent, don't have the insecurity toward money you seem to have. We are friends with Nigerian attorneys, Singaporean investment bankers, Bengali surgeons, Chinese property business people etc. None of them have the traits you describe as "Asian" or "African". It's not a cultural divide. It's a class divide. A Russian investment banker is much closer to a French investment banker than to a Russian janitor. You may want to ponder this for a while.

Honestly I am shocked at the hate for the OP considering how dcum is typically advising people to live below their means, fully fund retirement, etc. I am in OPs corner on this.

OP, I am in a very similar boat as you, and DH and I are both white americans, so I don't think the issue is as much cultural as different people have different tolerances for debt and risk and values for spending money. There are plenty of immigrants who quickly amass debt trying to keep up, live the dream, etc. I agree with you, it is tiring always nagging and occassionally yelling at DH to be responsible with money. I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss the idea of a financial counselor. I would like to do this but haven't been able to find anyone.

Dcum hates people who complain about their spouses when the problem was present before marriage, with good reason.

Exactly! Especially posters who are really impressed with themselves and know the right way to do everything. Everything except pick a partner apparently.

[Anonymous]

OP I'm curious. Would a separate account for him to spend out of work, or not? If not then why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I'm curious. Would a separate account for him to spend out of work, or not? If not then why?

She's been avoiding that question, probably because she can't control that.