Spendthrift DH

[Anonymous]

I don't know why this is such a source of stress for you. Sit down, figure out a budget, including what goes into the savings/retirement accounts that aren't readily accessible. So, every 1st of the month, that money goes into the kitty. Whatever is left you spend that month. Assume it will be all gone. He and you can't spend the money you don't have. That's it. Assume that whatever is left after the savings/retirement contribution is made will be gone by the 30th of each month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP do you vacation?

Yes, I do. I used to not vacation before I met him, but one of the things I have learned from DH is how to enjoy money (within reason). Every year, we take a 10k trip. I let him pick anywhere he wants and plan it all from top to bottom. I come along meekly and just enjoy.

I'm just curious - how much do each of you make?

[dcguy]

Anonymous wrote:Before I met DH, I was very smart with money. Through a combination of living in very cheap apartments, never eating out, doing my own hair/brows/nails, and rarely clothes/shoe shopping etc I managed to pay off almost $200k of student loan debt with no parental or other assistance in just over three years. DH has brought such warmth and love to my life, but his circle is full of fools and he is a bit of a fool himself. His parents are my biggest problem. They have no retirement savings, no assets (got foreclosed on and now live in a rental), and make maybe $80k a year total. Yet, they shop and eat out at expensive restaurants nonstop, go on trips regularly, and buy expensive gifts for everyone. Their friends are all far wealthier than they are, so they waste endless amounts trying to keep up. I would not mind this, except they expect us to do the same. His friends are no different. One couple with HHI of maybe $40k a year had a $50k wedding all funded by credit card debt.

DH is stupid with money, but I can usually coral his urges through nagging and a few knock down drag out fights every now and then. He has come a long way considering the people he was raised by. His circle is a terrible influence, however. Every time we go hang out with his family or his friends, it takes me weeks to get his spending back on track. He gets it in his head that eating out regularly is no big deal and he "needs" yet another pair of pants because he doesn't have pants in some exact shade yet. He listens to me 99% of the time and sees how ruinous his parents and friends' lifestyles are, but it is very hard for him not to regress into the patterns of behavior that he was raised with.

I am getting to the point at which I am sick of always having to almost retrain him after we have spent time with his circle. I am exhausted. I am also resentful of my money being wasted. I can honestly say that, from a financial standpoint, he has been a drain on me and I would probably have $50-100k more in the bank if not for him and his family. I come from third world poverty. I am an Asian immigrant. Building wealth is very important to me, as are goals such as being able to pay for my children's college and retiring with a nice, fully paid off house. DH's family are white Americans who think that there is nothing wrong with a debt-funded "American dream."

Any tips for navigating these differences in ways that don't have me screaming at DH all the time and sometimes wanting to divorce him? He is perfect in pretty much every other way and is such a good husband/father. I am not willing to sit back and let him spend our savings stupidly.

I am curious as to how you paid off $200K in student debt in three years by age 26.

Assuming you live in Virginia, it take pre-tax earnings of $165K per year to net $100K. That's before healthcare insurance costs, retirement savings, or any living expenditures at all (food, mortgage/rent, utilities, car).
Let's say it takes $3,000 per month for all expenses. That leaves you with $64K per year for debt paydown = $200K in just over three years.

But how many 22/23 year old make $165/ year coming out of college???

[Anonymous]

dcguy wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before I met DH, I was very smart with money. Through a combination of living in very cheap apartments, never eating out, doing my own hair/brows/nails, and rarely clothes/shoe shopping etc I managed to pay off almost $200k of student loan debt with no parental or other assistance in just over three years. DH has brought such warmth and love to my life, but his circle is full of fools and he is a bit of a fool himself. His parents are my biggest problem. They have no retirement savings, no assets (got foreclosed on and now live in a rental), and make maybe $80k a year total. Yet, they shop and eat out at expensive restaurants nonstop, go on trips regularly, and buy expensive gifts for everyone. Their friends are all far wealthier than they are, so they waste endless amounts trying to keep up. I would not mind this, except they expect us to do the same. His friends are no different. One couple with HHI of maybe $40k a year had a $50k wedding all funded by credit card debt.

DH is stupid with money, but I can usually coral his urges through nagging and a few knock down drag out fights every now and then. He has come a long way considering the people he was raised by. His circle is a terrible influence, however. Every time we go hang out with his family or his friends, it takes me weeks to get his spending back on track. He gets it in his head that eating out regularly is no big deal and he "needs" yet another pair of pants because he doesn't have pants in some exact shade yet. He listens to me 99% of the time and sees how ruinous his parents and friends' lifestyles are, but it is very hard for him not to regress into the patterns of behavior that he was raised with.

I am getting to the point at which I am sick of always having to almost retrain him after we have spent time with his circle. I am exhausted. I am also resentful of my money being wasted. I can honestly say that, from a financial standpoint, he has been a drain on me and I would probably have $50-100k more in the bank if not for him and his family. I come from third world poverty. I am an Asian immigrant. Building wealth is very important to me, as are goals such as being able to pay for my children's college and retiring with a nice, fully paid off house. DH's family are white Americans who think that there is nothing wrong with a debt-funded "American dream."

Any tips for navigating these differences in ways that don't have me screaming at DH all the time and sometimes wanting to divorce him? He is perfect in pretty much every other way and is such a good husband/father. I am not willing to sit back and let him spend our savings stupidly.

I am curious as to how you paid off $200K in student debt in three years by age 26.

Assuming you live in Virginia, it take pre-tax earnings of $165K per year to net $100K. That's before healthcare insurance costs, retirement savings, or any living expenditures at all (food, mortgage/rent, utilities, car).
Let's say it takes $3,000 per month for all expenses. That leaves you with $64K per year for debt paydown = $200K in just over three years.

But how many 22/23 year old make $165/ year coming out of college???

I asked OP the same above. Would love to know how much she and her husband each make.

[Anonymous]

dcguy wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before I met DH, I was very smart with money. Through a combination of living in very cheap apartments, never eating out, doing my own hair/brows/nails, and rarely clothes/shoe shopping etc I managed to pay off almost $200k of student loan debt with no parental or other assistance in just over three years. DH has brought such warmth and love to my life, but his circle is full of fools and he is a bit of a fool himself. His parents are my biggest problem. They have no retirement savings, no assets (got foreclosed on and now live in a rental), and make maybe $80k a year total. Yet, they shop and eat out at expensive restaurants nonstop, go on trips regularly, and buy expensive gifts for everyone. Their friends are all far wealthier than they are, so they waste endless amounts trying to keep up. I would not mind this, except they expect us to do the same. His friends are no different. One couple with HHI of maybe $40k a year had a $50k wedding all funded by credit card debt.

DH is stupid with money, but I can usually coral his urges through nagging and a few knock down drag out fights every now and then. He has come a long way considering the people he was raised by. His circle is a terrible influence, however. Every time we go hang out with his family or his friends, it takes me weeks to get his spending back on track. He gets it in his head that eating out regularly is no big deal and he "needs" yet another pair of pants because he doesn't have pants in some exact shade yet. He listens to me 99% of the time and sees how ruinous his parents and friends' lifestyles are, but it is very hard for him not to regress into the patterns of behavior that he was raised with.

I am getting to the point at which I am sick of always having to almost retrain him after we have spent time with his circle. I am exhausted. I am also resentful of my money being wasted. I can honestly say that, from a financial standpoint, he has been a drain on me and I would probably have $50-100k more in the bank if not for him and his family. I come from third world poverty. I am an Asian immigrant. Building wealth is very important to me, as are goals such as being able to pay for my children's college and retiring with a nice, fully paid off house. DH's family are white Americans who think that there is nothing wrong with a debt-funded "American dream."

Any tips for navigating these differences in ways that don't have me screaming at DH all the time and sometimes wanting to divorce him? He is perfect in pretty much every other way and is such a good husband/father. I am not willing to sit back and let him spend our savings stupidly.

I am curious as to how you paid off $200K in student debt in three years by age 26.

Assuming you live in Virginia, it take pre-tax earnings of $165K per year to net $100K. That's before healthcare insurance costs, retirement savings, or any living expenditures at all (food, mortgage/rent, utilities, car).
Let's say it takes $3,000 per month for all expenses. That leaves you with $64K per year for debt paydown = $200K in just over three years.

But how many 22/23 year old make $165/ year coming out of college???

Obviously OP use to be a part time drug dealer and sold a lot of ya yo to clear $200k debt.

[Anonymous]

dcguy wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before I met DH, I was very smart with money. Through a combination of living in very cheap apartments, never eating out, doing my own hair/brows/nails, and rarely clothes/shoe shopping etc I managed to pay off almost $200k of student loan debt with no parental or other assistance in just over three years. DH has brought such warmth and love to my life, but his circle is full of fools and he is a bit of a fool himself. His parents are my biggest problem. They have no retirement savings, no assets (got foreclosed on and now live in a rental), and make maybe $80k a year total. Yet, they shop and eat out at expensive restaurants nonstop, go on trips regularly, and buy expensive gifts for everyone. Their friends are all far wealthier than they are, so they waste endless amounts trying to keep up. I would not mind this, except they expect us to do the same. His friends are no different. One couple with HHI of maybe $40k a year had a $50k wedding all funded by credit card debt.

DH is stupid with money, but I can usually coral his urges through nagging and a few knock down drag out fights every now and then. He has come a long way considering the people he was raised by. His circle is a terrible influence, however. Every time we go hang out with his family or his friends, it takes me weeks to get his spending back on track. He gets it in his head that eating out regularly is no big deal and he "needs" yet another pair of pants because he doesn't have pants in some exact shade yet. He listens to me 99% of the time and sees how ruinous his parents and friends' lifestyles are, but it is very hard for him not to regress into the patterns of behavior that he was raised with.

I am getting to the point at which I am sick of always having to almost retrain him after we have spent time with his circle. I am exhausted. I am also resentful of my money being wasted. I can honestly say that, from a financial standpoint, he has been a drain on me and I would probably have $50-100k more in the bank if not for him and his family. I come from third world poverty. I am an Asian immigrant. Building wealth is very important to me, as are goals such as being able to pay for my children's college and retiring with a nice, fully paid off house. DH's family are white Americans who think that there is nothing wrong with a debt-funded "American dream."

Any tips for navigating these differences in ways that don't have me screaming at DH all the time and sometimes wanting to divorce him? He is perfect in pretty much every other way and is such a good husband/father. I am not willing to sit back and let him spend our savings stupidly.

I am curious as to how you paid off $200K in student debt in three years by age 26.

Assuming you live in Virginia, it take pre-tax earnings of $165K per year to net $100K. That's before healthcare insurance costs, retirement savings, or any living expenditures at all (food, mortgage/rent, utilities, car).
Let's say it takes $3,000 per month for all expenses. That leaves you with $64K per year for debt paydown = $200K in just over three years.

But how many 22/23 year old make $165/ year coming out of college???

Not pp but my Dh lived in a room in falls church for $450 a month in 2010 and only spent about $900 total a month. He paid off 80k in loans in 2 years making about that much.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I really would like to know what OP was making in order to pay off $200K in 3 years. I'm envious!

My husband and I had a combined $65k in student loan debt 11 years ago. We have it down now to about $25k total. Our current HHI is now appromately $120k gross per year but was much less than that 11 years ago. We could push harder to pay off the student loans but since the interest is deductable I'd rather pay off my husband's car first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I really would like to know what OP was making in order to pay off $200K in 3 years. I'm envious!

My husband and I had a combined $65k in student loan debt 11 years ago. We have it down now to about $25k total. Our current HHI is now appromately $120k gross per year but was much less than that 11 years ago. We could push harder to pay off the student loans but since the interest is deductable I'd rather pay off my husband's car first.

Maybe OP ate mayo sandwiches and sugar water for 3 years in order to clear off $200k of debt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I really would like to know what OP was making in order to pay off $200K in 3 years. I'm envious!

My husband and I had a combined $65k in student loan debt 11 years ago. We have it down now to about $25k total. Our current HHI is now appromately $120k gross per year but was much less than that 11 years ago. We could push harder to pay off the student loans but since the interest is deductable I'd rather pay off my husband's car first.

Maybe OP ate mayo sandwiches and sugar water for 3 years in order to clear off $200k of debt.

yes this would almost be impossible for someone who wasn't a prostitute.........

[Anonymous]

OP, I prefer to be mostly in control of the finances. However, the way you speak about your husband makes you sound like a control freak. He is not a child.

Would he be agreeable to an allowance? Some people are, some people aren't. Whatever you do there has to be an agreement. Badgering him won't be healthy for your marriage.

Maybe open an account he can spend out of. Rather than completely separating finances, decide together what is a reasonable amount to be frivolous with. Have that transferred in to an account and that's the play money he feels like he needs sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First you need to stop thinking your way is the only right way to live. Then you need to both set a plan you can live with- both, he gets input too. If that ends up with you putting aside a certain amount every month that he doesn't need to account for, that could work. I get your feelings about money but seriously, stop shaming this man. That doesn't lead anywhere good.

OP here, my way is the right way for me to live. DH admired my financial savvy when he met me and sees how his life has improved. When I met him, he was struggling to pay off $40k in student loans while I had already cleared away $200k in student loans by age 26. He sees how my family lives -- we came here with nothing, but we have much more than his family does -- and he wants that for himself. He actually begs me not to give up on him and to keep trying to help him control his spending. He just lacks discipline because he was not raised with it.

Something I noticed with Asian families - indian and east asian - they base happiness purely on finances and money because most came from nothing to have something here in the US. I know a couple that although were younger than you and your hubby married before they finished college also from different cultures one that prioritized money and the other didn't as much but they married for love and are doing well together. So it seems you are seeing your hubbys spending as catastrophic to your goals but realize that he's from a different culture that will never align to your own. You have to accept his cultural differences, the way he grew up, etc because you love him right? Most americans - white, black, hispanic - aren't raised with the same cutthroat discipline asians were raised with. Culturally discipline is ingrained in most asians from a very young age and you can't change that about your hubby. You can however set a goal and try to stick to it. Start with a small goal then work your way up.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like OP doesn't know what spendthrift truly means.

[Anonymous]

dcguy wrote:I am curious as to how you paid off $200K in student debt in three years by age 26.

Assuming you live in Virginia, it take pre-tax earnings of $165K per year to net $100K. That's before healthcare insurance costs, retirement savings, or any living expenditures at all (food, mortgage/rent, utilities, car).
Let's say it takes $3,000 per month for all expenses. That leaves you with $64K per year for debt paydown = $200K in just over three years.

But how many 22/23 year old make $165/ year coming out of college???

$3k/mo is a lot of money. It's amazing how little you spend if you have a roommate, live in a tiny place, and go without the typical crap most Americans must have (cell phone, vacations, eating out, new clothes, manicures, etc).

[Anonymous]

dcguy wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before I met DH, I was very smart with money. Through a combination of living in very cheap apartments, never eating out, doing my own hair/brows/nails, and rarely clothes/shoe shopping etc I managed to pay off almost $200k of student loan debt with no parental or other assistance in just over three years. DH has brought such warmth and love to my life, but his circle is full of fools and he is a bit of a fool himself. His parents are my biggest problem. They have no retirement savings, no assets (got foreclosed on and now live in a rental), and make maybe $80k a year total. Yet, they shop and eat out at expensive restaurants nonstop, go on trips regularly, and buy expensive gifts for everyone. Their friends are all far wealthier than they are, so they waste endless amounts trying to keep up. I would not mind this, except they expect us to do the same. His friends are no different. One couple with HHI of maybe $40k a year had a $50k wedding all funded by credit card debt.

DH is stupid with money, but I can usually coral his urges through nagging and a few knock down drag out fights every now and then. He has come a long way considering the people he was raised by. His circle is a terrible influence, however. Every time we go hang out with his family or his friends, it takes me weeks to get his spending back on track. He gets it in his head that eating out regularly is no big deal and he "needs" yet another pair of pants because he doesn't have pants in some exact shade yet. He listens to me 99% of the time and sees how ruinous his parents and friends' lifestyles are, but it is very hard for him not to regress into the patterns of behavior that he was raised with.

I am getting to the point at which I am sick of always having to almost retrain him after we have spent time with his circle. I am exhausted. I am also resentful of my money being wasted. I can honestly say that, from a financial standpoint, he has been a drain on me and I would probably have $50-100k more in the bank if not for him and his family. I come from third world poverty. I am an Asian immigrant. Building wealth is very important to me, as are goals such as being able to pay for my children's college and retiring with a nice, fully paid off house. DH's family are white Americans who think that there is nothing wrong with a debt-funded "American dream."

Any tips for navigating these differences in ways that don't have me screaming at DH all the time and sometimes wanting to divorce him? He is perfect in pretty much every other way and is such a good husband/father. I am not willing to sit back and let him spend our savings stupidly.

I am curious as to how you paid off $200K in student debt in three years by age 26.

Assuming you live in Virginia, it take pre-tax earnings of $165K per year to net $100K. That's before healthcare insurance costs, retirement savings, or any living expenditures at all (food, mortgage/rent, utilities, car).
Let's say it takes $3,000 per month for all expenses. That leaves you with $64K per year for debt paydown = $200K in just over three years.

But how many 22/23 year old make $165/ year coming out of college???

OP here, your calculations are wrong, though your guess at my salary is close to correct. I became a lawyer at age 23 and went straight to a big law firm, where I started making 160k, with annual increases and bonuses. I never spent anywhere close to 3k per month, lol. You really don't know what frugality is if you think 3k per month is a frugal amount.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First you need to stop thinking your way is the only right way to live. Then you need to both set a plan you can live with- both, he gets input too. If that ends up with you putting aside a certain amount every month that he doesn't need to account for, that could work. I get your feelings about money but seriously, stop shaming this man. That doesn't lead anywhere good.

OP here, my way is the right way for me to live. DH admired my financial savvy when he met me and sees how his life has improved. When I met him, he was struggling to pay off $40k in student loans while I had already cleared away $200k in student loans by age 26. He sees how my family lives -- we came here with nothing, but we have much more than his family does -- and he wants that for himself. He actually begs me not to give up on him and to keep trying to help him control his spending. He just lacks discipline because he was not raised with it.

Something I noticed with Asian families - indian and east asian - they base happiness purely on finances and money because most came from nothing to have something here in the US. I know a couple that although were younger than you and your hubby married before they finished college also from different cultures one that prioritized money and the other didn't as much but they married for love and are doing well together. So it seems you are seeing your hubbys spending as catastrophic to your goals but realize that he's from a different culture that will never align to your own. You have to accept his cultural differences, the way he grew up, etc because you love him right? Most americans - white, black, hispanic - aren't raised with the same cutthroat discipline asians were raised with. Culturally discipline is ingrained in most asians from a very young age and you can't change that about your hubby. You can however set a goal and try to stick to it. Start with a small goal then work your way up.

OP here, I don't base happiness purely on finances. No one does. That is a distortion of Asian values. I am in the majority in most of the world. Most people don't spend the way that pampered Americans and Europeans do. Most of my friends are African (straight from the continent) because those people really know how to conserve resources and live wisely. I have a Ghanaian girlfriend who always looks as if she stepped out of a magazine. Pencil thin with amazing clothes. She makes all of her own stuff and spends very little on clothes. American fashionistas, in comparison, are often deep in debt or rely on their parents' money. African and Asian values are just different.