Spendthrift DH

[Anonymous]

Before I met DH, I was very smart with money. Through a combination of living in very cheap apartments, never eating out, doing my own hair/brows/nails, and rarely clothes/shoe shopping etc I managed to pay off almost $200k of student loan debt with no parental or other assistance in just over three years. DH has brought such warmth and love to my life, but his circle is full of fools and he is a bit of a fool himself. His parents are my biggest problem. They have no retirement savings, no assets (got foreclosed on and now live in a rental), and make maybe $80k a year total. Yet, they shop and eat out at expensive restaurants nonstop, go on trips regularly, and buy expensive gifts for everyone. Their friends are all far wealthier than they are, so they waste endless amounts trying to keep up. I would not mind this, except they expect us to do the same. His friends are no different. One couple with HHI of maybe $40k a year had a $50k wedding all funded by credit card debt.

DH is stupid with money, but I can usually coral his urges through nagging and a few knock down drag out fights every now and then. He has come a long way considering the people he was raised by. His circle is a terrible influence, however. Every time we go hang out with his family or his friends, it takes me weeks to get his spending back on track. He gets it in his head that eating out regularly is no big deal and he "needs" yet another pair of pants because he doesn't have pants in some exact shade yet. He listens to me 99% of the time and sees how ruinous his parents and friends' lifestyles are, but it is very hard for him not to regress into the patterns of behavior that he was raised with.

I am getting to the point at which I am sick of always having to almost retrain him after we have spent time with his circle. I am exhausted. I am also resentful of my money being wasted. I can honestly say that, from a financial standpoint, he has been a drain on me and I would probably have $50-100k more in the bank if not for him and his family. I come from third world poverty. I am an Asian immigrant. Building wealth is very important to me, as are goals such as being able to pay for my children's college and retiring with a nice, fully paid off house. DH's family are white Americans who think that there is nothing wrong with a debt-funded "American dream."

Any tips for navigating these differences in ways that don't have me screaming at DH all the time and sometimes wanting to divorce him? He is perfect in pretty much every other way and is such a good husband/father. I am not willing to sit back and let him spend our savings stupidly.

[Anonymous]

You could try a marriage counselor who specializes in financial problems, but I don't know any.

Have you tried giving him a set weekly amount to spend as he wishes?

[Anonymous]

I agree with giving him (and you) a certain amount of discretionary spending each month that's just for whatever you want to spend it on. That way, your husband can indulge his spending whims without having to answer to you for it, but you also get the comfort of knowing that his frivolous spending is limited to an amount that won't ruin you.

[Anonymous]

Have him keep all of his receipts and enter them in a spending tracker. I started doing this at the beginning of the year, and showing it to DH. It has really made him stop and think before he plops down a card to pay for something. Track everything, that way you can compare how much you are paying for groceries to his extravagances.

Make sure he is using a card that you have access to online. You can see where the money is going and ask him if you don't see a receipt for something.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a total nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Your like sounds so miserable, I would rather be poor

[Anonymous]

Can you separate your finances?

[Anonymous]

OP here, I really like idea of an allowance. I am going to implement that. I am going to confiscate his credit cards and give him instead a fixed sum for him to spend on whatever he wants. Therapy and a spending tracker would probably be most useful, but we honestly don't have time for that. I itemize all our expenditures (our checking, savings, and credit cards are all joint), but can't get him to sit down with me to go over them because he feels defensive. I don't have time for fighting over his spending and fighting over his refusal to sit down to go over his spending, lol.

[Anonymous]

First you need to stop thinking your way is the only right way to live. Then you need to both set a plan you can live with- both, he gets input too. If that ends up with you putting aside a certain amount every month that he doesn't need to account for, that could work. I get your feelings about money but seriously, stop shaming this man. That doesn't lead anywhere good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a total nightmare.

OP here, depends on your idea of a nightmare. My nightmare is being put out on the streets when pushing 70 and being unable to retire all because I can't control my spending. That's the position his parents are in. Your idea of a nightmare is being held accountable for spending. Enjoy living your dream then.

[Anonymous]

You are treating your spouse like a child. You are saving enough, you need to live a little.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a total nightmare.

OP here, depends on your idea of a nightmare. My nightmare is being put out on the streets when pushing 70 and being unable to retire all because I can't control my spending. That's the position his parents are in. Your idea of a nightmare is being held accountable for spending. Enjoy living your dream then.

I believe in moderation. Save but spend some. If she paid off 200k in three years, then she has some room to play.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First you need to stop thinking your way is the only right way to live. Then you need to both set a plan you can live with- both, he gets input too. If that ends up with you putting aside a certain amount every month that he doesn't need to account for, that could work. I get your feelings about money but seriously, stop shaming this man. That doesn't lead anywhere good.

OP here, my way is the right way for me to live. DH admired my financial savvy when he met me and sees how his life has improved. When I met him, he was struggling to pay off $40k in student loans while I had already cleared away $200k in student loans by age 26. He sees how my family lives -- we came here with nothing, but we have much more than his family does -- and he wants that for himself. He actually begs me not to give up on him and to keep trying to help him control his spending. He just lacks discipline because he was not raised with it.

[Anonymous]

You sound like the perfect wife. Seriously. If you ever dump his ass, let me know. I don't need much of an allowance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First you need to stop thinking your way is the only right way to live. Then you need to both set a plan you can live with- both, he gets input too. If that ends up with you putting aside a certain amount every month that he doesn't need to account for, that could work. I get your feelings about money but seriously, stop shaming this man. That doesn't lead anywhere good.

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