Spendthrift DH

[Anonymous]

Do you enjoy life at all? Do you ever go out?

[Anonymous]

I have the opposite problem, my DW hoards her paycheck and sticks me with all of the bills, refuses to kick for joint household and other expenses and when I say there is no money she says it's b/c I spend it all. I hate her!

[Anonymous]

This thread is really entertaining. LOL for those nonlawyers trying to argue against an attorney.

OP, you have a type A personality, and apparently your husband likes it.

You got your answer, so please, be a big woman and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey, OP. I too am from an East Asian country. My family immigrated when I was in infant; my older sister died as a baby from malnutrition. As you can imagine, this totally screwed up my mom. Anyway...

The funny, non-PC answer is: you shoulda married a Jew! (I did). I run the finances, much like you, am extremely controlling about money, but DH is just not a spender. If he wants to buy anything, he asks me to buy it (like "honey, I like these speakers, can you order them from me?"). This works because it's really not about the money, is it? It's about control, and getting the psychological comfort that nothing will spiral into a shitstorm ever again. Since I know where every penny goes and sudden purchases don't show up (since I purchase everything), this works for us.

But that's not where you and DH are. People fall in love and marry each other because we see qualities that we admire. But those very qualities can be the causes of friction down the road. Your DH was extremely impressed with your financial discipline. It was something he lacked. You probably grew up very self-sufficient and lonely, and you admired your DH's abilities to smell the flowers, so to speak, to have fun with friends, live in the moment, laugh spontaneously...I am just guessing here.

But these differences are also causing friction.

I have been married for close on to 20 years, to the same man. We have our ups and downs, but over the years we have met more in the middle.

You will not starve. You can spend a little. Your DH needs to have more input into the family finances, and alleviate some of your stress, and you need to give him some blind control.

People on this thread are screaming at you and accusing you of being a control freak, but then, your DH is acting like a child. He gives you no input, and just spends. That's not the behavior of a responsible adult. You are probably very stressed right now because now you must manage the finances and secure not only your future, but your husband's too.

And also: are you feeling responsible for his parents? I mean, you're Asian and all...let me just say, I doubt your in-laws have expectations to be taken care of anything like Asian in-laws. They have social security and all that jazz (unlike our motherlands). They won't be homeless. They are not expecting to move in with you, and have you wait on them hand and foot. They are not Asian.

There are good and bad in every culture. But because you chose to marry outside of your culture, you need to bend in order to create a happy home.

Your anger and fear are not based on reason. You will never starve. But please do not make your husband miserable. Also: since you spoke in gross ethnic generalities, let me throw one back: white non-ethnic American men do not understand when a woman screams at them. It's not part of their culture and they see it as crazy/abusive. They do not know how to handle.

Cut your DH some slack. The US culture is one that works hard and parties hard. It's not too bad of an outlook or a way to live.

OP here, thank you for this post. My husband actually is Jewish! I managed to find the one Jewish family with no financial sense or know-how, lol. His family is really assimilationist though and their idea of a compliment is to tell each other that they don't really look Jewish. Being Jewish, he is accustomed to strong willed women though, so at least I have that going for me. His in laws might not be expecting me to become their caretaker and serve them breakfast and tea each morning the way Asian people usually expect of DILs, but the way they spend, they are one crisis away from homelessness. If that happens, might not have a choice but to agree to save them from their irresponsibility or else risk losing my husband.

Well, you got yourself in a pickle. You feel obligated to take care of them? Why? Florida is filled with retirement communities full of old Jews who complain all the time that their children don't visit them. And they don't. I don't think very many American women, Jewish or not, would realistically consider living with their in-laws. This is going to cause you more and more stress.

Irreconcilable money issues are one of the top reasons for marriage disintegration.

Your husband did not grow up like you. He will not change to the extent that makes you completely happy. There are people in the third world who never used a toilet before coming to the U.S. If you married someone like that and they insisted that you stop using your toilet and poop in the backyard to save on the water bill, would you do it? No.

You must relax a little about money. Despite what craziness people say about Obama with his hand in your pocket, the U.S. is not like other countries. Runaway inflation and wholesale government seizing of property is not likely. You can relax.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it impossible for you to discuss your agenda without insulting everyone else in the process?

I have actually seen not seen OP insult people as much as people have insulted her....

Not really, she's very defensive and anyone who disagrees with her and points out weaknesses in her position is either a fake Asian, or a silly white chick, or destined for life on the streets by 70. I tell you, people who grew up middle and upper class in Asia don't tend to have that much resentment built up. None of the wealthy Nigerians, Bengalis or Chinese we know are like that.

OP has severe money anxiety. She also compensates for having been an outsider in this country by relying heavily on her achievements for self esteem and to denigrate the natives who she sees as all being born with silver spoons. She has a lot of resentment and envy towards native-born Americans.

You would be like OP if you were in her shoes. My DH's grandfather grew up wretchedly poor. He traumatized his whole family with his obsession with money.

So the cycle goes...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First you need to stop thinking your way is the only right way to live. Then you need to both set a plan you can live with- both, he gets input too. If that ends up with you putting aside a certain amount every month that he doesn't need to account for, that could work. I get your feelings about money but seriously, stop shaming this man. That doesn't lead anywhere good.

THIS. I live more like you than your DH, but you are majorly infantilizing him. The way you talk about him, his family, and his friends is absolutely dripping with condescension. Not only is that terrible for your relationship, it probably leads him to spend even more out of rebellion. You should really find a way to make time for therapy, because once you guys get divorced you will have even less control over him. (You will, however, be free of all of the "fools" he hangs out with, so maybe you would be happier.)

+1. OP I am also like you and see nothing wrong with saving but when two people differ on any major issue you have to respect their perspective, even if you disagree with it. Sounds like you don't have kids yet, but this happens ALL THE TIME when you disagree on child rearing. We didn't have a lot of money growing up, but my parents were much poorer in their home country - like no electricity, and days without food, poor. I think people who have been food secure for generations don't really understand the impulse to save. Forget the differences you perceive between Asians and white people, and your family and his. You and he need to get on the same page and be on board.

You said you let him plan a 10k vacation and you meekly go along. What does that mean? DO you give him the latitude to enjoy the vacation but then act sour the whole time because you perceive it as a waste? You do come across as really condescending and judgmental, and I understand your perspective, but you need to rein it in a little.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure what your problem is, but you sound like a peach. I mean you are THE BEST. Your family is THE BEST. Your African friends are THE BEST. Everyone else is white or honorary white or will be wandering the street destitute at 70 or will leave nothing to their kids. Not sure why you need lowly DCUM's advice since you are THE BEST.

I hope people on this thread don't walk away thinking all Asian women pinch pennies, hate white people and prosperous Asian-Americans, and think their sh*t doesn't stink. OP is the way she is based on her traumatic life experiences. Lots of immigrants are like her.

The big problem is, she married a fellow from a class/group/whatever that she both envies and despises rather than someone who has a similar background.

It will be difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, haven't been on this thread since yesterday. I am the one whose dad died when I was 10 and mom scraped by. I must say, most of you folks on DCUM are distorted. It is clear to me that most of the PPs have never had to really scrape by. Have any of you ever had to live on welfare or on nothing? Do you know how to not only live without cable, but also without a car or wondering if you were going to pay for food or gas first? It changes you. And don't think this doesn't happen in the US. It has been ubiquitous since 2008, just not in NW DC, or MOCo or Fairfax, or at least not in your community. If you lost a $20 bill, would that break your budget for the month?

Get off your horses. The OP has a problem. The OPs husband has a problem, and all she sees is the $$ bleeding out the door. I am sure it brings a lot of feelings of her childhood. If you choose to eat nothing but beans to make sure there is money in the bank, it has to be irritating to hear DH went out and dropped $100 on lunch at a restaurant. All OP is asking for is advice on how to get DH to spend reasonably, say $15 for lunch instead.

The only problem OP has is that she married someone very different from her, and is now angry that she can't force him to become exactly like her. Aren't there enough born-poor Asians out there she could have married? Why go out look for problems?

You've given yourself away. I has a feeling most of OP's haters in this thread were asian males angry about asian females dating white.

No, there's enough non-Asian poonanie for Asian males out there that they don't care about that anymore. At least, that's what I see. Lots and lots of Asian dudes dating out of their race now. Why hate? Participate!

[Anonymous]

OP, I totally agree with you. My husband is the same way. He wants to spend everything, his motto is tomorrow is not promised. My motto is, "if we are here tomorrow, then I want to be comfortable". Not only is your husband annoying, I can guarantee you his parents are going to expect you to take care of them. If he isnt willing to go to a marriage financial counselor, it would be over. For other posters giving you grief, give me a break! You go on a 10k vacation every year, is that just for the two of you? Thats a sweet deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a total nightmare.

+1

Let me guess, you grew up poor?

[Anonymous]

Are prep schools for TJ and violin lessons expensive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
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Is it impossible for you to discuss your agenda without insulting everyone else in the process?


I have actually seen not seen OP insult people as much as people have insulted her....

Not really, she's very defensive and anyone who disagrees with her and points out weaknesses in her position is either a fake Asian, or a silly white chick, or destined for life on the streets by 70. I tell you, people who grew up middle and upper class in Asia don't tend to have that much resentment built up. None of the wealthy Nigerians, Bengalis or Chinese we know are like that.


OP here. Lol. I love the posters in this thread. Suddenly everyone is hanging out with the international jet set and is from an upper class background. No doubt you're currently in transit to some exotic location and just decided put your champagne glass down for a second to school the poors on DCUM, huh? I am so thankful that you came down from heaven to tell me how my betters live and think.

You honestly think there are no Nigerian attorneys or Bengali surgeons out there? Not everyone in Asia lacked clothes growing up.


OP here, it seems you're another one of the "jetset" who doesn't know how to read. Please quote where I wrote that there are no Nigerian attorneys or Bengali surgeons. It seems a lot of you "upper class" people in this thread have been too busy putting on airs on DCUM to study!

You said, a number of times, that Asian and African values are different from Americans. That's a very broad generalization. People are responding, quite logically, that not every Asian and not every African thinks the way you do. Not all Asians and Africans grew up poor. Stop trying to weasel out of what you said.

She asked you to quote her...where's the quote...lmao. OP is taking y'all to school.

There is a collection of her quotes somewhere on p. 7 or 6 of this thread, go look it up.


OP here, you pulled the part in bold out of your silly butt and now can't back it up. You look stupid and you know it. Just quit.

A poster above said wealthy third-world people aren't like you. In response, you doubted that someone here can be from an upper class background or "hanging out with an international jet set". Surgeons and attorneys aren't jet-set. They simply grew up with food to eat and clothes to wear - sometimes even in Asia.


Actually, the poster said "wealthy." That suggests that he was referring to people who have a lot more than the average doctor/lawyer.

Unless "wealthy" to YOU means someone who has food to eat and clothes to wear.

I think most people would think of the jetset when they hear "wealthy" before they think of an average doctor/lawyer.

Just saying.

Oh yes, I forgot that we are on DCUM where doctors and lawyers making $350,000 a year are middle-class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like the perfect wife. Seriously. If you ever dump his ass, let me know. I don't need much of an allowance.

OP here, thank you. Some people here are making me out to be the worst wife, but is it so bad that I want to help my family build wealth? Most men complain about their wives' spending. All I can think about is how to help him get ahead at work, save money, and enjoy a stress-free life.

Wow are you ever controlling! You also seem obsessed with money.

+1 I bet this DH is actually quite reasonable with money

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not being reasonable OP. How can anyone help you with that?

It is so funny what a division there is in this thread. I think some spenders reading this thread feel judged for their poor decisions, hence the attacks. Not everyone wants to be living check to check until they die or spending life as an employee with no financial freedom.

And not everyone wants to drive a 10 year old car when they make seven figures a year. Or have their spouse allow them to drive a 40K one for the next 10.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, haven't been on this thread since yesterday. I am the one whose dad died when I was 10 and mom scraped by. I must say, most of you folks on DCUM are distorted. It is clear to me that most of the PPs have never had to really scrape by. Have any of you ever had to live on welfare or on nothing? Do you know how to not only live without cable, but also without a car or wondering if you were going to pay for food or gas first? It changes you. And don't think this doesn't happen in the US. It has been ubiquitous since 2008, just not in NW DC, or MOCo or Fairfax, or at least not in your community. If you lost a $20 bill, would that break your budget for the month?

Get off your horses. The OP has a problem. The OPs husband has a problem, and all she sees is the $$ bleeding out the door. I am sure it brings a lot of feelings of her childhood. If you choose to eat nothing but beans to make sure there is money in the bank, it has to be irritating to hear DH went out and dropped $100 on lunch at a restaurant. All OP is asking for is advice on how to get DH to spend reasonably, say $15 for lunch instead.

I really find most of the PPs repulsive, attacking the OP instead of attacking the problem. I challenge you to go back and see where you bleed discretionary money, because I guarantee, most of what you spend on are actually luxuries that are considered necessary by most Americans.

Get over yourself PP. Just because you were in poverty 30 years ago does not mean it is reasonable to make your spouse to consider a $100 lunch a frivolous waste.