Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Hey, OP. I too am from an East Asian country. My family immigrated when I was in infant; my older sister died as a baby from malnutrition. As you can imagine, this totally screwed up my mom. Anyway...
The funny, non-PC answer is: you shoulda married a Jew! (I did). I run the finances, much like you, am extremely controlling about money, but DH is just not a spender. If he wants to buy anything, he asks me to buy it (like "honey, I like these speakers, can you order them from me?"). This works because it's really not about the money, is it? It's about control, and getting the psychological comfort that nothing will spiral into a shitstorm ever again. Since I know where every penny goes and sudden purchases don't show up (since I purchase everything), this works for us.
But that's not where you and DH are. People fall in love and marry each other because we see qualities that we admire. But those very qualities can be the causes of friction down the road. Your DH was extremely impressed with your financial discipline. It was something he lacked. You probably grew up very self-sufficient and lonely, and you admired your DH's abilities to smell the flowers, so to speak, to have fun with friends, live in the moment, laugh spontaneously...I am just guessing here.
But these differences are also causing friction.
I have been married for close on to 20 years, to the same man. We have our ups and downs, but over the years we have met more in the middle.
You will not starve. You can spend a little. Your DH needs to have more input into the family finances, and alleviate some of your stress, and you need to give him some blind control.
People on this thread are screaming at you and accusing you of being a control freak, but then, your DH is acting like a child. He gives you no input, and just spends. That's not the behavior of a responsible adult. You are probably very stressed right now because now you must manage the finances and secure not only your future, but your husband's too.
And also: are you feeling responsible for his parents? I mean, you're Asian and all...let me just say, I doubt your in-laws have expectations to be taken care of anything like Asian in-laws. They have social security and all that jazz (unlike our motherlands). They won't be homeless. They are not expecting to move in with you, and have you wait on them hand and foot. They are not Asian.
There are good and bad in every culture. But because you chose to marry outside of your culture, you need to bend in order to create a happy home.
Your anger and fear are not based on reason. You will never starve. But please do not make your husband miserable. Also: since you spoke in gross ethnic generalities, let me throw one back: white non-ethnic American men do not understand when a woman screams at them. It's not part of their culture and they see it as crazy/abusive. They do not know how to handle.
Cut your DH some slack. The US culture is one that works hard and parties hard. It's not too bad of an outlook or a way to live.
OP here, thank you for this post. My husband actually is Jewish! I managed to find the one Jewish family with no financial sense or know-how, lol. His family is really assimilationist though and their idea of a compliment is to tell each other that they don't really look Jewish.
Being Jewish, he is accustomed to strong willed women though, so at least I have that going for me. His in laws might not be expecting me to become their caretaker and serve them breakfast and tea each morning the way Asian people usually expect of DILs, but the way they spend, they are one crisis away from homelessness. If that happens, might not have a choice but to agree to save them from their irresponsibility or else risk losing my husband.
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