Frustrated with folks who never reciprocate dinner invites

[Anonymous]

Our house is small, loud, and messy with barky dogs and little kids. We love it, but it's definitely not a dinner party friendly environment. I also don't like cooking and don't have the time or desire for elaborate meal prep, so meal planning and staging is a chore and not fun for me.

My favorite folks are those that invite us over and their kids are running around in diapers while they order pizza or throw burgers on the grill. Those people I invite over with no hesitation. If there are no expectations that I have to clean and play host, then I'll gladly have you over to join our chaos!

[Anonymous]

I don't think dinners should be tit-for-tat. If you want to host, then host, but it shouldn't it shouldn't be with an expectation of reciprocation. I'd like to have people over more than we do, but I find myself being deterred by the state of my house (usually messy, sometimes dirty), the behavior of my pets, and generally craziness of life with kids. Some family members have recently taken to dropping in on us or inviting themselves to dinner on short notice, and I've just thrown up my hands and accepted that they can't judge me for dirty floors if they force themselves on us.

[Anonymous]

I love having people over, and regularly host gatherings of all size. But I invite people over because I enjoy their company and want to host. I have no expectations that they'll do the same for me.

IMO, inviting people with the expectation that you'll get some sort of payback is the height of entitlement and rudeness. Somebody should decline a dinner invitation because they can't (or don't want to) pay you back? Sorry, that's ridiculous. I invite people because I like their company - their ability/willingness to reciprocate has no bearing on whether I want them in my house next Friday. If I found out that a friend declined a dinner invitation because they were worried about how to pay me back .... well, I don't know whether I'd laugh at them or cry.

Life is much more pleasant if you stop trying to keep score about everything. Do what you want to do, invite people when you want to, and enjoy their company in the moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love having people over, and regularly host gatherings of all size. But I invite people over because I enjoy their company and want to host. I have no expectations that they'll do the same for me.

IMO, inviting people with the expectation that you'll get some sort of payback is the height of entitlement and rudeness. Somebody should decline a dinner invitation because they can't (or don't want to) pay you back? Sorry, that's ridiculous. I invite people because I like their company - their ability/willingness to reciprocate has no bearing on whether I want them in my house next Friday. If I found out that a friend declined a dinner invitation because they were worried about how to pay me back .... well, I don't know whether I'd laugh at them or cry.

Life is much more pleasant if you stop trying to keep score about everything. Do what you want to do, invite people when you want to, and enjoy their company in the moment.

Fair enough, but on the other hand, if you never reciprocate in any way--no invitations, no favors, nothing--then the relationship can feel pretty one-sided. I don't care if you invite me to your house for dinner, but if I'm always the one extending the invitations, I'm going to start to wonder if you even like me all that much. We've stopped inviting people who literally never reciprocate in any way, never initiate getting together, etc., and the relationship died because apparently we were the only ones invested in it.

[Anonymous]

There was a family that we invited over repeatedly. The wife always said she wasn’t a good cook. She had a son form a previous relationship who was grown up and it appears that he did the family cooking. However, while I didn’t expect to be invited over for dinner, a simple coffee invite would have shown us that they enjoyed our company. Also, on many occasions, I took their daughter on play dates and paid for activities like skytag, bowling. I was never even offered back the money I spent for their daughter. After awhile, I began to feel used. I stopped the invitations as well as the play dates that involved me spending money. At one point, I got contacted from these friends and sensed that they were soliciting an invite. I really didn’t these were really friends. I was disappointed and hurt. Even, when they did accept our dinner invitations, they would come over and make excuses that they hadn’t had time to stop to get a bottle of wine. To be clear, we never even alluded that we wanted them to bring anything. It’s simply the excuses that greatly bothered me because it all revealed to be very hollow.

[Anonymous]

“Fair enough, but on the other hand, if you never reciprocate in any way--no invitations, no favors, nothing--then the relationship can feel pretty one-sided. I don't care if you invite me to your house for dinner, but if I'm always the one extending the invitations, I'm going to start to wonder if you even like me all that much. We've stopped inviting people who literally never reciprocate in any way, never initiate getting together, etc., and the relationship died because apparently we were the only ones invested in it.”

The above statement articulate the situation precisely. It’s not about having any particular expectations. It’s about a mutual friendship. It doesn’t have to be shown with a reciprocated dinner invitation but in some form the friendship must be Viva and take.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hahaha! Im dead opposite. I love cooking, love entertaining, love hosting. I prefer it. I dont even blink when someone doesnt reciprocate. Plus I'm an great cook and I've had one person say that theyd be embarrassed to have me over. I really do love making people good food and good drink. I have no expectation for "payment".

I agree with this poster.

I can’t stand tit for tat people. Do something because you want to do it, with no expectation of other people wanting to do it.

[Anonymous]

I would really like to invite people over but:
Our place is small. With an additional 2 adults and 2 kids, it feels quite tight. You can stand on our small foyer and see the living room and dining room. Kids have to play in the basement or outside. So when Dh does invite, we are sitting in the backyard.

Things will break and it's usually not my kid that breaks them. 100% of the times, things have been broken by other kids.

Other people's kids are very picky about food. I don't know what to serve them other than pizza.

The few times we have invited people, the couple wouldn't leave until 10pm. What the --. and of course they never invited us over to their place even though their place is huge. The kids complained about everything from the type of napkin to the food.

Everytime I suggest having people over, my dh huffs and puffs and says he needs to clean. Our place really isn't that messy. Its in corners on the floor. but, most families we've seen are worse.

Also, I think my dh just doesn't want me to inconvenience me or ask me to cook. But, he enjoys asking his single buddies over to chat and drink beer. For them, I don't really care what they eat.

[Anonymous]

If your guests bring a dish or two, it's very helpful. So, if they don't, just tell them to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP.
We have a single friend who comes over fairly often and I never expect a reciprocal invitation from him since he lives in a small apartment with a tiny kitchen. But whenever he comes, he brings over something thoughtful for me, and has even offered to babysit for us on multiple occasions. I love these gestures and he will be invited to my house for a long time to come.

It's the folks who don't reciprocate and have the means to do so that bother me. We have even experienced people coming over, eating, having a great time and never contacting us again. Not even to say thank you.

I am Indian, and in our culture we have a term for such people - KKK - an acronym that roughly translates to, "Ate, Drank, Outta here."

Seriously need to change the acronym. Doesn't mean that here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

To those who have explained the perspective of why people don't entertain, thank you.



If you can not invite people back (for whatever reason) other gestures are appreciated. A mailed thank you note. Offering a ride to the airport. Bringing over something from your garden. Babysitting. Whatever you can afford with your time and money. I think too often people think that others don't care about these manners and etiquette. I think people do care and they do notice when it's not done.

OP, have you ever thought about the fact that some people just don't want to hang out with you that much? We get invited by other people *so much,* and some families are particular culprits of the serial invites. We try to say no when we can, but we don't want to be rude or stand-offish. Our kids have a *lot* of friends, and their many parents are constantly inviting us for dinner, drinks, suggesting outings together etc. It would be rude to say no all the time, and we want our kids to maintain relationships with these other kids. In addition, my husband I have a lot of colleagues, and they also often invite us. Then we also have 2-3 very close friends and family members that we actually *want* to hang out with a regular basis, and that also takes time out of our schedules. To pay off our dues to those who are not very close to us, we try to reciprocate as often as we can, usually with a couple of fairly big brunches or dinners each year. But I really don't want to be hanging out with other people more than 1x a month, and by the time the year is over, we've been invited way more times than we could ever hope to reciprocate. (Also we don't drink alcohol, so many of these events are just boring to us because people get drunk and start to act stupid.) Long story short: some people actually feel burdened by these many invites, simply because they don't like hanging out with casual acquaintances that much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

To those who have explained the perspective of why people don't entertain, thank you.



If you can not invite people back (for whatever reason) other gestures are appreciated. A mailed thank you note. Offering a ride to the airport. Bringing over something from your garden. Babysitting. Whatever you can afford with your time and money. I think too often people think that others don't care about these manners and etiquette. I think people do care and they do notice when it's not done.

OP, have you ever thought about the fact that some people just don't want to hang out with you that much?

+1

I don't think I've posted yet on this thread, but when we're invited to these types of things, usually we'll decline the first time but then it gets difficult if people insist or if they ask again and again for their other events. It feels rude to keep saying no. So sometimes we'll accept. We try to be good guests, but we have no desire or intention of reciprocating.

I think if people are inviting themselves over to your house for whatever reason then yes, they should absolutely reciprocate. But if you're the one doing all the inviting, you should understand that some people feel pressured. Especially if they don't particularly enjoy those types of events, they don't particularly enjoy your company, they have other friends they'd rather spend time with, or even simply that they have busy lives and need to prioritize things.

Just invite people once or twice and then leave it at that. But only do it if you want to have those people for an evening at your house. If you don't, and are just doing it to get ahead socially or whatever reason it is, then save everyone the bother and just don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There was a family that we invited over repeatedly. The wife always said she wasn’t a good cook. She had a son form a previous relationship who was grown up and it appears that he did the family cooking. However, while I didn’t expect to be invited over for dinner, a simple coffee invite would have shown us that they enjoyed our company. Also, on many occasions, I took their daughter on play dates and paid for activities like skytag, bowling. I was never even offered back the money I spent for their daughter. After awhile, I began to feel used. I stopped the invitations as well as the play dates that involved me spending money. At one point, I got contacted from these friends and sensed that they were soliciting an invite. I really didn’t these were really friends. I was disappointed and hurt. Even, when they did accept our dinner invitations, they would come over and make excuses that they hadn’t had time to stop to get a bottle of wine. To be clear, we never even alluded that we wanted them to bring anything. It’s simply the excuses that greatly bothered me because it all revealed to be very hollow.

Please, stop inviting our kids to stuff if you don't want to pay for their activities. My kids get invited by other families every damn weekend, and it's often to some expensive activity. We hate it. We prefer to spend time with our kids on the weekend, and so are actually annoyed by the many invites -- especially sleepover invites -- our kids get. When my husband and I were younger, we spent more time at home and with family, and we value family time. Plus, why do you keep taking other people's kids out on expensive outings? We don't share the 'kids need a paid service to entertain them' mentality around these wealthy suburbs; we think it's much *better* in fact, if the kids can learn to just play board games or chat or go on a walk or a bike ride. And, to whoever is going to say 'then tell your kids not to go' - this is much harder said than done. We have no reasonable basis on which to 'prohibit' them for accepting invitations from their friends. So, if you don't like taking your kids' friends on expensive outings, just stop doing it. It's on you, PP.

[Anonymous]

If I get the sense that people will expect reciprocity then I will decline the invitation from the get go. We really dislike entertaining in our home for a variety of reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

+1

I don't think I've posted yet on this thread, but when we're invited to these types of things, usually we'll decline the first time but then it gets difficult if people insist or if they ask again and again for their other events. It feels rude to keep saying no. So sometimes we'll accept. We try to be good guests, but we have no desire or intention of reciprocating.

I think if people are inviting themselves over to your house for whatever reason then yes, they should absolutely reciprocate. But if you're the one doing all the inviting, you should understand that some people feel pressured. Especially if they don't particularly enjoy those types of events, they don't particularly enjoy your company, they have other friends they'd rather spend time with, or even simply that they have busy lives and need to prioritize things.

Just invite people once or twice and then leave it at that. But only do it if you want to have those people for an evening at your house. If you don't, and are just doing it to get ahead socially or whatever reason it is, then save everyone the bother and just don't.

Totally agree.