Frustrated with folks who never reciprocate dinner invites

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

To those who have explained the perspective of why people don't entertain, thank you.



If you can not invite people back (for whatever reason) other gestures are appreciated. A mailed thank you note. Offering a ride to the airport. Bringing over something from your garden. Babysitting. Whatever you can afford with your time and money. I think too often people think that others don't care about these manners and etiquette. I think people do care and they do notice when it's not done.

I'm wondering if you appreciate how this sounds, because it sounds an awful lot like you just said people owe you favors because you invited them over to your house. An invitation shouldn't come with these kinds of expectations. Now that you've laid out what you do expect, I wonder if you really would be satisfied if they invited you to join them at a restaurant with everyone paying their own way, even if that is what fit their means.

I am not Indian, and I agree with OP that gestures of hospitality should be returned in some way. I think OP's point is less about "owing favors" than it is about gracious behavior - acknowledging the pleasure of experiencing a dinner party with a return gesture of some kind. Repeated "thank yous" eventually feel meaningless to a host who is looking for a give-and-take friendship/relationship.

OP, I too like to host, and we do so pretty frequently. It annoys me when people we have had at our house for dinner repeatedly do not do anything at all to reciprocate. Over time it makes me feel used and unappreciated, so I do not invite them back.

"Over time it makes me feel used and unappreciated, so I do not invite them back."

Problem solved!

Indeed the problem is solved. Recently a friend who I had over several times and never once reciprocated was complaining to me that no one ever calls her over any more or makes an effort with her. I didn't say anything but I really could not believe that someone would think she never needs to return the effort of being a friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a very small undecorated house. We have had a lot of family issues that financially take priority. I would love to have a bigger, nicer house but that is not our life.

No, I will not babysit in less there is a real last minute emergency if you are not family, close friend or neighbor, take you to the airport (taxi or drive and pay to park which is often cheaper), or jump over hoops to be your friend.

I generally decline as we eat very simply or suggest going out as we have a lot of dietary issues. But, thankfully, none of our friends are like you who are just reaching out to have favors done in return.

Man I don't want to be your friend. Awful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a very small undecorated house. We have had a lot of family issues that financially take priority. I would love to have a bigger, nicer house but that is not our life.

No, I will not babysit in less there is a real last minute emergency if you are not family, close friend or neighbor, take you to the airport (taxi or drive and pay to park which is often cheaper), or jump over hoops to be your friend.

I generally decline as we eat very simply or suggest going out as we have a lot of dietary issues. But, thankfully, none of our friends are like you who are just reaching out to have favors done in return.

OP here. I have said this several times already on this thread, but let me clarify again. These are not "favors" - they are simply suggestions for gestures to show that you value the other person's friendship and are willing to put in some effort into the friendship. You may have other ways of putting in effort into your friendships, and that is great. Please feel free to share.

[Anonymous]

And this thread sums up why everyone is not friends with everyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a very small undecorated house. We have had a lot of family issues that financially take priority. I would love to have a bigger, nicer house but that is not our life.

No, I will not babysit in less there is a real last minute emergency if you are not family, close friend or neighbor, take you to the airport (taxi or drive and pay to park which is often cheaper), or jump over hoops to be your friend.

I generally decline as we eat very simply or suggest going out as we have a lot of dietary issues. But, thankfully, none of our friends are like you who are just reaching out to have favors done in return.

OP here. I have said this several times already on this thread, but let me clarify again. These are not "favors" - they are simply suggestions for gestures to show that you value the other person's friendship and are willing to put in some effort into the friendship. You may have other ways of putting in effort into your friendships, and that is great. Please feel free to share.

OP -- I'm Indian too and I think your mentality is really off putting and old school. It sounds like you're saying -- I hosted a dawat last month, so someone better repay and host me this month. If you can't -- that's ok -- feel free to bring over a box of ladoo or drive me to the airport so I don't have to pay a cab. You keep saying these are just some ways to express friendship and asking how else to express it. Well guess what -- friendship doesn't have to be expressed via things -- food or favors. I express my friendship by calling my friends, checking in on them, seeing how life is going -- that may not involve me bringing them something, driving them something, or making them food -- but I think it means more to people to just be able to talk (email/text whatever).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And this thread sums up why everyone is not friends with everyone else.

Very astute observation PP. People have many different ideas about friendship and what it means and what it does not mean. That's why you can't be friends with everyone and should not even expect to.
If you are lucky, you will find people that share your ideas about relationships. Hold on tight to those people!

I am so very lucky to have found a few people that do share my ideas - everyone else is just an acquaintance. I get by with a little help from my friends!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a very small undecorated house. We have had a lot of family issues that financially take priority. I would love to have a bigger, nicer house but that is not our life.

No, I will not babysit in less there is a real last minute emergency if you are not family, close friend or neighbor, take you to the airport (taxi or drive and pay to park which is often cheaper), or jump over hoops to be your friend.

I generally decline as we eat very simply or suggest going out as we have a lot of dietary issues. But, thankfully, none of our friends are like you who are just reaching out to have favors done in return.

OP here. I have said this several times already on this thread, but let me clarify again. These are not "favors" - they are simply suggestions for gestures to show that you value the other person's friendship and are willing to put in some effort into the friendship. You may have other ways of putting in effort into your friendships, and that is great. Please feel free to share.

OP -- I'm Indian too and I think your mentality is really off putting and old school. It sounds like you're saying -- I hosted a dawat last month, so someone better repay and host me this month. If you can't -- that's ok -- feel free to bring over a box of ladoo or drive me to the airport so I don't have to pay a cab. You keep saying these are just some ways to express friendship and asking how else to express it. Well guess what -- friendship doesn't have to be expressed via things -- food or favors. I express my friendship by calling my friends, checking in on them, seeing how life is going -- that may not involve me bringing them something, driving them something, or making them food -- but I think it means more to people to just be able to talk (email/text whatever).

You have a right to be put off by whatever you don't like. But I think I distinctly said a thank you note is always appreciated - mailing is very nice, but I've never scoffed my nose at someone who texted or emailed - everyone is busy!
Also I distinctly remember saying that I am particularly bothered by people who don't ever bother getting back in touch after eating a nice meal in my house. Even my original post said that I am frustrated by people who do not find any way of reciprocating - at all. I don't believe that's Indian mentality. I think that's just common courtesy. I don't think we are disagreeing here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love entertaining, but never expect people to reciprocate. We invite them because we want to invite them. Because we enjoy having people over, we made sure we have a house that facilitates that (nothing fancy, but a dining room with a big table that isn't covered in crap like many of our friends!). I totally understand that not everyone has the desire or ability to (1) prepare or spend money on food, (2) get their house in condition for guests, or (3) deal with organizing something. Presumably I'm friends with them for other reasons.

Our friends who never or rarely host are usually sure to bring a bottle of wine, offer to pick up take out, or perform other acts of friendship for us though.

This is us exactly! We love having people over and aren't bothered at all that it's generally not reciprocated. I actually prefer to be in my own house, to be honest! I sometimes feel guilty that I expect everyone to come to our place!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love entertaining, but never expect people to reciprocate. We invite them because we want to invite them. Because we enjoy having people over, we made sure we have a house that facilitates that (nothing fancy, but a dining room with a big table that isn't covered in crap like many of our friends!). I totally understand that not everyone has the desire or ability to (1) prepare or spend money on food, (2) get their house in condition for guests, or (3) deal with organizing something. Presumably I'm friends with them for other reasons.

Our friends who never or rarely host are usually sure to bring a bottle of wine, offer to pick up take out, or perform other acts of friendship for us though.

This is us exactly! We love having people over and aren't bothered at all that it's generally not reciprocated. I actually prefer to be in my own house, to be honest! I sometimes feel guilty that I expect everyone to come to our place!!

Interesting. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Same with us. We're the ones with more means and don't seem to be as busy as most folks around here (one child, SAHM, etc). Anyway, I used to take it personally, but now know that some people aren't planners, initiators, can't cook, feel insecure about their homes, don't have time, whatever. Having said that, we no longer host someone unless 1) we truly enjoy their company, 2) it's easy and 3) they reciprocate in any way they are able. It's a very small list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same with us. We're the ones with more means and don't seem to be as busy as most folks around here (one child, SAHM, etc). Anyway, I used to take it personally, but now know that some people aren't planners, initiators, can't cook, feel insecure about their homes, don't have time, whatever. Having said that, we no longer host someone unless 1) we truly enjoy their company, 2) it's easy and 3) they reciprocate in any way they are able. It's a very small list.

That's the best advise I have gotten on this thread. Thanks so much!

[Anonymous]

I wonder if you really would be satisfied if they invited you to join them at a restaurant with everyone paying their own way, even if that is what fit their means

Not paying their own way. That doesn't count. At all.

Choose a modest restaurant if that what's within your means.

Don't exchange favors for a dinner invitation. no no no.

Both people should want to spend time together to socialize. And the initiation should be relatively equal and reciprocated.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are a bean-counter. Accept it. But please try to remind yourself that others are not intentionally setting out to slight you or be unfriendly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I wonder if you really would be satisfied if they invited you to join them at a restaurant with everyone paying their own way, even if that is what fit their means

Not paying their own way. That doesn't count. At all.

Choose a modest restaurant if that what's within your means.

Don't exchange favors for a dinner invitation. no no no.

Both people should want to spend time together to socialize. And the initiation should be relatively equal and reciprocated.

Well, I'm feeling pretty broke these days, so I'll invite OP to McDonalds. But only if she sticks to the Dollar Menu. Do you think that would fly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are a bean-counter. Accept it. But please try to remind yourself that others are not intentionally setting out to slight you or be unfriendly.

Thank you for your perspective. Not the name calling though - not thanking you for that (does that qualify as said "bean-counting")? LOL