Frustrated with folks who never reciprocate dinner invites

[Anonymous]

I am of Indian origin born in the US. My mother has OP's bean counting mentality. Always talking about obligations and keeping score. Both directions. She is uncomfortable accepting offers of help from others without repaying them in some way. She is in her 80s now and many offer to help her in various ways but she refuses because she doesn't want to be obligated. It is ridiculous; these people want to help.

It has unfortunately rubbed off on me and I feel the immediate need to repay favors, play dates... I think it turns some people off.

Sorry for the thread jack.

[Anonymous]

I agree that the nice cultural norm (even in AMerica!) is to reciprocate the invitation. I often fail at this because my marriage is troubled and I have other problems that makes it stressful to have people over to the house. I would love to have people over, but it's very difficult to find the "right time" for an invite because of the utter mess that is our life. I don't think most people that know us know the extent of the problems. I do always offer to bring something.
So, just sayin' .... cut your friends some slack, because you don't necessarily know what's going on to prevent them from inviting you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that the nice cultural norm (even in AMerica!) is to reciprocate the invitation. I often fail at this because my marriage is troubled and I have other problems that makes it stressful to have people over to the house. I would love to have people over, but it's very difficult to find the "right time" for an invite because of the utter mess that is our life. I don't think most people that know us know the extent of the problems. I do always offer to bring something.
So, just sayin' .... cut your friends some slack, because you don't necessarily know what's going on to prevent them from inviting you.

OP here. Thanks for sharing your experience. I think it's important to remember this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if people don't like to host in their homes, they should definitely invite you out to a restaurant to reciprocate.

This is what we do. We just don't have the space in our condo for this - but we would invite you out to dinner to reciprocate.

That being said, I think OP needs to change her mindset. You don't know what goes on in other people's lives. Maybe they are poor, maybe they have a marriage on the rocks, maybe a sick relative at home. Who knows!? But, to put your belief and cultural system onto someone else - seems unfair.

I am not sure that this is a "cultural belief" that when someone opens up their home to you and shows hospitality, the polite thing to do is to reciprocate in some way. It seems that you do this by taking people out. Others have other ways of reciprocating. Just something to make the other person feel valued and appreciated.

Well, I'm not from this "culture" so I am very careful not to impose my standards on others (as it appears OP is doing). While it is polite to reciprocate in some way, OP seems fixated on being invited over to other peoples homes or "counting this for that"






Where I am from, you give not to receive but because you enjoy giving and cherish your friends. That may not be the custom where OP is from or here in the US. It seems here you keep a score card on who gave what to whom and how much.

We had a couple over not too long ago who we have known for a few years. I made dinner, we had a fun time. But it's probably been over six months and I have not heard from this person. Didn't get a thank you email. Nothing. Radio silence. I know this person is alive and well, because we are FB friends and we have other mutual friends. You seem like you would not be hurt at all by this. You would just be happy that you got to spend that one evening with your friend? That's really remarkable. How do you do it?

You haven't heard from your friend in 6 months? I would be extremely worried about them. You have made this about you - and not receiving a thank you.

What about your friend? Have you wondered what has gone on in their life to make them drop off like that for 6 months? Are you close? Do you normally have regular communication - so this is not normal? Have you reached out to ask if they are ok? Could there be an illness in the family?

I would be concerned that something is wrong with my friend and reach out to see if they need my help. As to "How do I do it?" - I assume you mean, how do I see the best in people? I would ask you...doesn't it pain you to always assume the worst?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am of Indian origin born in the US. My mother has OP's bean counting mentality. Always talking about obligations and keeping score. Both directions. She is uncomfortable accepting offers of help from others without repaying them in some way. She is in her 80s now and many offer to help her in various ways but she refuses because she doesn't want to be obligated. It is ridiculous; these people want to help.

It has unfortunately rubbed off on me and I feel the immediate need to repay favors, play dates... I think it turns some people off.

Sorry for the thread jack.

Thank you for sharing your perspective. My goal was not to talk about obligations and favors, but to focus on building friendships. I guess I never expected that people would reciprocate dinner invitations because they feel "obligated" but more as a gesture that they want to maintain the friendship. Maybe my perspective is wrong. Again, like I mentioned in my original post, I enjoy having people over because I like entertaining and I continue to do so knowing the trends in reciprocity. But I can't say this does not sometimes bother me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if people don't like to host in their homes, they should definitely invite you out to a restaurant to reciprocate.

This is what we do. We just don't have the space in our condo for this - but we would invite you out to dinner to reciprocate.

That being said, I think OP needs to change her mindset. You don't know what goes on in other people's lives. Maybe they are poor, maybe they have a marriage on the rocks, maybe a sick relative at home. Who knows!? But, to put your belief and cultural system onto someone else - seems unfair.

I am not sure that this is a "cultural belief" that when someone opens up their home to you and shows hospitality, the polite thing to do is to reciprocate in some way. It seems that you do this by taking people out. Others have other ways of reciprocating. Just something to make the other person feel valued and appreciated.

Well, I'm not from this "culture" so I am very careful not to impose my standards on others (as it appears OP is doing). While it is polite to reciprocate in some way, OP seems fixated on being invited over to other peoples homes or "counting this for that"






Where I am from, you give not to receive but because you enjoy giving and cherish your friends. That may not be the custom where OP is from or here in the US. It seems here you keep a score card on who gave what to whom and how much.

We had a couple over not too long ago who we have known for a few years. I made dinner, we had a fun time. But it's probably been over six months and I have not heard from this person. Didn't get a thank you email. Nothing. Radio silence. I know this person is alive and well, because we are FB friends and we have other mutual friends. You seem like you would not be hurt at all by this. You would just be happy that you got to spend that one evening with your friend? That's really remarkable. How do you do it?

You haven't heard from your friend in 6 months? I would be extremely worried about them. You have made this about you - and not receiving a thank you.

What about your friend? Have you wondered what has gone on in their life to make them drop off like that for 6 months? Are you close? Do you normally have regular communication - so this is not normal? Have you reached out to ask if they are ok? Could there be an illness in the family?

I would be concerned that something is wrong with my friend and reach out to see if they need my help. As to "How do I do it?" - I assume you mean, how do I see the best in people? I would ask you...doesn't it pain you to always assume the worst?

Ok. Maybe you are right. I assumed they are all well because I see pictures of their family vacations on FB all the time. And we have other mutual friends so I do hear about them from time to time. I suppose it's wrong of me not to give them the benefit of doubt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if people don't like to host in their homes, they should definitely invite you out to a restaurant to reciprocate.

This is what we do. We just don't have the space in our condo for this - but we would invite you out to dinner to reciprocate.

That being said, I think OP needs to change her mindset. You don't know what goes on in other people's lives. Maybe they are poor, maybe they have a marriage on the rocks, maybe a sick relative at home. Who knows!? But, to put your belief and cultural system onto someone else - seems unfair.

I am not sure that this is a "cultural belief" that when someone opens up their home to you and shows hospitality, the polite thing to do is to reciprocate in some way. It seems that you do this by taking people out. Others have other ways of reciprocating. Just something to make the other person feel valued and appreciated.

Well, I'm not from this "culture" so I am very careful not to impose my standards on others (as it appears OP is doing). While it is polite to reciprocate in some way, OP seems fixated on being invited over to other peoples homes or "counting this for that"






Where I am from, you give not to receive but because you enjoy giving and cherish your friends. That may not be the custom where OP is from or here in the US. It seems here you keep a score card on who gave what to whom and how much.

We had a couple over not too long ago who we have known for a few years. I made dinner, we had a fun time. But it's probably been over six months and I have not heard from this person. Didn't get a thank you email. Nothing. Radio silence. I know this person is alive and well, because we are FB friends and we have other mutual friends. You seem like you would not be hurt at all by this. You would just be happy that you got to spend that one evening with your friend? That's really remarkable. How do you do it?

You haven't heard from your friend in 6 months? I would be extremely worried about them. You have made this about you - and not receiving a thank you.

What about your friend? Have you wondered what has gone on in their life to make them drop off like that for 6 months? Are you close? Do you normally have regular communication - so this is not normal? Have you reached out to ask if they are ok? Could there be an illness in the family?

I would be concerned that something is wrong with my friend and reach out to see if they need my help. As to "How do I do it?" - I assume you mean, how do I see the best in people? I would ask you...doesn't it pain you to always assume the worst?

Ok. Maybe you are right. I assumed they are all well because I see pictures of their family vacations on FB all the time. And we have other mutual friends so I do hear about them from time to time. I suppose it's wrong of me not to give them the benefit of doubt.

Check in on your friends - I'm sure they would love to hear from you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if people don't like to host in their homes, they should definitely invite you out to a restaurant to reciprocate.

This is what we do. We just don't have the space in our condo for this - but we would invite you out to dinner to reciprocate.

That being said, I think OP needs to change her mindset. You don't know what goes on in other people's lives. Maybe they are poor, maybe they have a marriage on the rocks, maybe a sick relative at home. Who knows!? But, to put your belief and cultural system onto someone else - seems unfair.

I am not sure that this is a "cultural belief" that when someone opens up their home to you and shows hospitality, the polite thing to do is to reciprocate in some way. It seems that you do this by taking people out. Others have other ways of reciprocating. Just something to make the other person feel valued and appreciated.

Well, I'm not from this "culture" so I am very careful not to impose my standards on others (as it appears OP is doing). While it is polite to reciprocate in some way, OP seems fixated on being invited over to other peoples homes or "counting this for that"






Where I am from, you give not to receive but because you enjoy giving and cherish your friends. That may not be the custom where OP is from or here in the US. It seems here you keep a score card on who gave what to whom and how much.

We had a couple over not too long ago who we have known for a few years. I made dinner, we had a fun time. But it's probably been over six months and I have not heard from this person. Didn't get a thank you email. Nothing. Radio silence. I know this person is alive and well, because we are FB friends and we have other mutual friends. You seem like you would not be hurt at all by this. You would just be happy that you got to spend that one evening with your friend? That's really remarkable. How do you do it?

You haven't heard from your friend in 6 months? I would be extremely worried about them. You have made this about you - and not receiving a thank you.

What about your friend? Have you wondered what has gone on in their life to make them drop off like that for 6 months? Are you close? Do you normally have regular communication - so this is not normal? Have you reached out to ask if they are ok? Could there be an illness in the family?

I would be concerned that something is wrong with my friend and reach out to see if they need my help. As to "How do I do it?" - I assume you mean, how do I see the best in people? I would ask you...doesn't it pain you to always assume the worst?

Ok. Maybe you are right. I assumed they are all well because I see pictures of their family vacations on FB all the time. And we have other mutual friends so I do hear about them from time to time. I suppose it's wrong of me not to give them the benefit of doubt.

Check in on your friends - I'm sure they would love to hear from you.

Just did. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

It does not diminish your point if you say something politely. In fact it only makes your point stronger. As the OP, I tried to make this a civil thread, but if you came here and insulted people or their culture, I recommend you listen to This American Life's podcast about trolling. It's called "If you don't have anything nice to say, say it in all caps." Very interesting perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that the nice cultural norm (even in AMerica!) is to reciprocate the invitation. I often fail at this because my marriage is troubled and I have other problems that makes it stressful to have people over to the house. I would love to have people over, but it's very difficult to find the "right time" for an invite because of the utter mess that is our life. I don't think most people that know us know the extent of the problems. I do always offer to bring something.
So, just sayin' .... cut your friends some slack, because you don't necessarily know what's going on to prevent them from inviting you.

I agree with this poster that even in AMerica the cultural norm is to reciprocate the invitation in some way that fits your means. I am from the south, and we place a lot of importance on being polite. I think young, busy people forget their manners sometimes (not referring to this poster, of course), and think it is ok to not be gracious. In fact, as I can see from this thread, not only do they think it is ok to not be gracious, they think it is wrong to expect others to have manners - apparently that is considered "bean counting." News to me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, maybe it is a cultural thing? My parents are from another culture that is similar- someone invites you over, you eventually want to reciprocate even if entertaining is not your "thing." I don't think it's as big of a deal in American culture? Like, if you don't want to have a dinner party here, you just don't. There's no "code." I think that's why Americans have a lot of social problems.

I find Indians to be more socially awkward than Americans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

To those who have explained the perspective of why people don't entertain, thank you.



If you can not invite people back (for whatever reason) other gestures are appreciated. A mailed thank you note. Offering a ride to the airport. Bringing over something from your garden. Babysitting. Whatever you can afford with your time and money. I think too often people think that others don't care about these manners and etiquette. I think people do care and they do notice when it's not done.

Get over yourself.

[Anonymous]

We have a very small undecorated house. We have had a lot of family issues that financially take priority. I would love to have a bigger, nicer house but that is not our life.

No, I will not babysit in less there is a real last minute emergency if you are not family, close friend or neighbor, take you to the airport (taxi or drive and pay to park which is often cheaper), or jump over hoops to be your friend.

I generally decline as we eat very simply or suggest going out as we have a lot of dietary issues. But, thankfully, none of our friends are like you who are just reaching out to have favors done in return.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

To those who have explained the perspective of why people don't entertain, thank you.



If you can not invite people back (for whatever reason) other gestures are appreciated. A mailed thank you note. Offering a ride to the airport. Bringing over something from your garden. Babysitting. Whatever you can afford with your time and money. I think too often people think that others don't care about these manners and etiquette. I think people do care and they do notice when it's not done.

I'm wondering if you appreciate how this sounds, because it sounds an awful lot like you just said people owe you favors because you invited them over to your house. An invitation shouldn't come with these kinds of expectations. Now that you've laid out what you do expect, I wonder if you really would be satisfied if they invited you to join them at a restaurant with everyone paying their own way, even if that is what fit their means.

I am not Indian, and I agree with OP that gestures of hospitality should be returned in some way. I think OP's point is less about "owing favors" than it is about gracious behavior - acknowledging the pleasure of experiencing a dinner party with a return gesture of some kind. Repeated "thank yous" eventually feel meaningless to a host who is looking for a give-and-take friendship/relationship.

OP, I too like to host, and we do so pretty frequently. It annoys me when people we have had at our house for dinner repeatedly do not do anything at all to reciprocate. Over time it makes me feel used and unappreciated, so I do not invite them back.

"Over time it makes me feel used and unappreciated, so I do not invite them back."

Problem solved!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a very small undecorated house. We have had a lot of family issues that financially take priority. I would love to have a bigger, nicer house but that is not our life.

No, I will not babysit in less there is a real last minute emergency if you are not family, close friend or neighbor, take you to the airport (taxi or drive and pay to park which is often cheaper), or jump over hoops to be your friend.

I generally decline as we eat very simply or suggest going out as we have a lot of dietary issues. But, thankfully, none of our friends are like you who are just reaching out to have favors done in return.

So what do you do to express your friendship? It's not an insult but an honest question.