Frustrated with folks who never reciprocate dinner invites

[Anonymous]

I like to entertain. We entertain fairly often, generally in small settings, with two couples invited at the most. I notice that maybe 20% of the people we invite over invite us back to their place, or reciprocate in any other way.


I enjoy having people over, so we continue to do so knowing the trends in the lack of reciprocity, but I can't say that this does not bother me.

Am I the only one experiencing this? If you are someone who does not reciprocate, I want to hear your perspective.

[Anonymous]

I don't reciprocate. I am poor, and have no space in my tiny apartment. I eat all my meals on my couch and don't own a table or chairs. So we'd all sit on the couch or my bed. My kitchen is tiny with three feet of counter space separated in half by the sink. I never have people over.

I tend not to accept dinner invites from people who don't know my situation because I assume they will be offended by my lack of reciprocation. I assume if you have an idea of it, you won't expect reciprocation and will be satisfied with my paying the tip when we're out at restaurants, or bringing fresh herb plants when you invite me to your home or something.

[Anonymous]

This happens to us too. I like having people over so it doesn't stop me from inviting friends, but I do wish we got invites back more often.

[Anonymous]

We're working on our kitchen renovation, but we have about 5 diner party invites we need to reciprocate.

I love having people over, but I think this area just isn't that friendly.

[Anonymous]

I am the OP.
We have a single friend who comes over fairly often and I never expect a reciprocal invitation from him since he lives in a small apartment with a tiny kitchen. But whenever he comes, he brings over something thoughtful for me, and has even offered to babysit for us on multiple occasions. I love these gestures and he will be invited to my house for a long time to come.

It's the folks who don't reciprocate and have the means to do so that bother me. We have even experienced people coming over, eating, having a great time and never contacting us again. Not even to say thank you.

I am Indian, and in our culture we have a term for such people - KKK - an acronym that roughly translates to, "Ate, Drank, Outta here."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't reciprocate. I am poor, and have no space in my tiny apartment. I eat all my meals on my couch and don't own a table or chairs. So we'd all sit on the couch or my bed. My kitchen is tiny with three feet of counter space separated in half by the sink. I never have people over.

I tend not to accept dinner invites from people who don't know my situation because I assume they will be offended by my lack of reciprocation. I assume if you have an idea of it, you won't expect reciprocation and will be satisfied with my paying the tip when we're out at restaurants, or bringing fresh herb plants when you invite me to your home or something.

This is me also. Although my space is a bit larger. I also only accept invites from people who know where/how I live. I hate feeling like people expect me to reciprocrate.

[Anonymous]

Even if people don't like to host in their homes, they should definitely invite you out to a restaurant to reciprocate.

[Anonymous]

Some people are initiators, others are not. It doesn't necessarily have anything to do with how they value you. If you want to spend time with them, reach out to them. If you don't, then don't.

[Anonymous]

Maybe it's because they're not " your folks ".

[Anonymous]

OK we entertain frequently. I have a friend who has ME over for dinner 4-5x a year (honestly DH and I love to do couple things and it's a strain when it's just me). I try to reciprocate but she's a PITA. She has crazy diet restrictions and will cancel half the time on me. One time I had her over with a big dinner but she told me she'd already eaten.

And then she's bitched about how people don't invite her over....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP.
We have a single friend who comes over fairly often and I never expect a reciprocal invitation from him since he lives in a small apartment with a tiny kitchen. But whenever he comes, he brings over something thoughtful for me, and has even offered to babysit for us on multiple occasions. I love these gestures and he will be invited to my house for a long time to come.

It's the folks who don't reciprocate and have the means to do so that bother me. We have even experienced people coming over, eating, having a great time and never contacting us again. Not even to say thank you.

I am Indian, and in our culture we have a term for such people - KKK - an acronym that roughly translates to, "Ate, Drank, Outta here."

I'm the PP with the small apt. I was going to mention how it is an Indian friend of mine that always says something about reciprocating, even though she knows my situation. She always tells me how our mutual Indian friends will never invite me to their home again because I haven't invited them yet. Oh well.

[Anonymous]

OP, maybe it is a cultural thing? My parents are from another culture that is similar- someone invites you over, you eventually want to reciprocate even if entertaining is not your "thing." I don't think it's as big of a deal in American culture? Like, if you don't want to have a dinner party here, you just don't. There's no "code." I think that's why Americans have a lot of social problems.

[Anonymous]

I invite friends over because I enjoy cooking, and sharing a meal and wine with people whose company I enjoy. There are a number of things that can keep someone from reciprocating (small space, they can't/hate to cook, etc.). I think extending a dinner invitation is a lot like lending money to family. If you expect reciprocation, you will likely have a long and frustrating road ahead of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even if people don't like to host in their homes, they should definitely invite you out to a restaurant to reciprocate.

This is what we do. We just don't have the space in our condo for this - but we would invite you out to dinner to reciprocate.

That being said, I think OP needs to change her mindset. You don't know what goes on in other people's lives. Maybe they are poor, maybe they have a marriage on the rocks, maybe a sick relative at home. Who knows!? But, to put your belief and cultural system onto someone else - seems unfair.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sucks. You have every right to have it bother you.