Frustrated with folks who never reciprocate dinner invites

[Anonymous]

Op I understand your frustration. We used to be party and holiday central. We hosted neighbors, family and friends often. Probably 60% did reciprocate but we noticed that after a few years that dropped off and everyone just expected us to host the lions share of events.

We cut back on hosting once we had kids. I have been that person who doesn't reciprocate. In one case, the husband was so rude when we did host the couple that I do everything I can to avoid him. We also know a couple who I'm too intimidated to host. They worked at high levels in the service industry and have high expectations. In another case, the couple's kids were so wild at a play date that they damaged my home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't reciprocate. I am poor, and have no space in my tiny apartment. I eat all my meals on my couch and don't own a table or chairs. So we'd all sit on the couch or my bed. My kitchen is tiny with three feet of counter space separated in half by the sink. I never have people over.

I tend not to accept dinner invites from people who don't know my situation because I assume they will be offended by my lack of reciprocation. I assume if you have an idea of it, you won't expect reciprocation and will be satisfied with my paying the tip when we're out at restaurants, or bringing fresh herb plants when you invite me to your home or something.

Surely there is room for more than one person in your apartment? Why not order a pizza and beers/soda and have everyone eat sitting on the floor? If you're friends wouldn't be cool with that, you need new friends.

[Anonymous]

I am indian. I love to entertain, but I invite people with the mindset that I don't care if they invite me back - I invite them over because quite frankly, with two small kids, its EASIER for me to have people over to MY house and if it means I have to cook and clean, that is a small price to pay for having the convenience of having people at my house. Most people I know have small kids and don't have us over because its hard to cook and clean and have people over and I get it.

that being said, the OP has a common Indian mindset, my mom has the same mindset. I think that you then find friends to invite who you know want to and CAN invite you to their place.

[Anonymous]

There could be a list of reasons why:
1. The time it takes to clean, plan on what to serve and eat.
2. And if there are kids involve. Sigh. you have to feed the kids.
3. Also, inviting people over means you need the couple to agree on who to invite, what to serve and how to serve it. Not every spouse agree on everything.
4. And if there are picky eaters, forget it. It's best not to invite them because it's hard to satisfy everyone.
5. And if the couple has made comments or something about serving, food, guests, utensils...and how they don't like certain things...forget it. Inviting you will be like opening to your criticism of how I serve, what I serve and how messy the house would be.
6. And if you don't believe in potluck, you would think that's rude to have your guest bring food.

The list goes on....

[Anonymous]

It's also a cultural and society thing.
Gatherings are much more normal in Asian cultures then in American culture. Not everything has to be sent by email/evite,...a simple phone call will do. Most likely, you will bring something. If you don't, don't worry, no one will even notice and you will be fed. Eat and drink as much as you want, the more the merrier. If you were not invited and you bring an extra guest, no worries. That person will be welcomed (unless there's some bad blood between surprise guest and someone else) and but still, that person will be fed. Talking in Asian gatherings are not the same. You talk when you feel like saying something. Usually there's not serious talk about anything that will cause big conflicts like politics. There's no order, no formality in talking. It can get loud and everyone will interrupt one another. If you don't want to talk, no big deal. You will not be isolated if you are quiet- unlike American culture...if you are a bit quiet, the talkative moms will NOT invite you into their conversations and will ignore you for the rest of the evening and beyond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

To those who have explained the perspective of why people don't entertain, thank you.



If you can not invite people back (for whatever reason) other gestures are appreciated. A mailed thank you note. Offering a ride to the airport. Bringing over something from your garden. Babysitting. Whatever you can afford with your time and money. I think too often people think that others don't care about these manners and etiquette. I think people do care and they do notice when it's not done.

Well, I'm a host who hosts because I enjoy the company of the people I invite to my home, not because I'm eager to see what gesture of appreciation they'll show at the end of the meal. Some people reciprocate, some do not, but everyone is pleasant and usually offers to bring something. It's not like I'm breaking my back to throw burgers on the grill and make sure there is beer/wine in the fridge. I would hate to think that one of my friends is wondering if I am bitching about her on this forum.

[Anonymous]

We have cut way back on entertaining for a variety of reasons. With diet requirements, meal planning isn't as carefree as it once was, but the main reason is our "friends" list has dwindled. We used to open our home to everyone, attracting moochers. Now, we surround ourselves with givers. If someone can't afford to reciprocate or provide even the smallest gesture of appreciation, they should decline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My home is small and I'm not confident enough in my cooking skills to do it for other people. I will show effort in other ways but not by offering the same dine in my home experience. I know that some people are put off by this, but several are fine with it as long as the whole friendship isn't a one-way street.

This is me. Not confident and not comfortable with having people over.

I do reciprocate in other ways or extend invites for other things. And I am a fantastic friend in other ways.

Sorry OP. But if it bugs you that much, just don't invite people like us over?

[Anonymous]

Hahaha! Im dead opposite. I love cooking, love entertaining, love hosting. I prefer it. I dont even blink when someone doesnt reciprocate. Plus I'm an great cook and I've had one person say that theyd be embarrassed to have me over. I really do love making people good food and good drink. I have no expectation for "payment".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP.
We have a single friend who comes over fairly often and I never expect a reciprocal invitation from him since he lives in a small apartment with a tiny kitchen. But whenever he comes, he brings over something thoughtful for me, and has even offered to babysit for us on multiple occasions. I love these gestures and he will be invited to my house for a long time to come.

It's the folks who don't reciprocate and have the means to do so that bother me. We have even experienced people coming over, eating, having a great time and never contacting us again. Not even to say thank you.

I am Indian, and in our culture we have a term for such people - KKK - an acronym that roughly translates to, "Ate, Drank, Outta here."

I'm Indian and I've never heard that term. Maybe it's a regional thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP.
We have a single friend who comes over fairly often and I never expect a reciprocal invitation from him since he lives in a small apartment with a tiny kitchen. But whenever he comes, he brings over something thoughtful for me, and has even offered to babysit for us on multiple occasions. I love these gestures and he will be invited to my house for a long time to come.

It's the folks who don't reciprocate and have the means to do so that bother me. We have even experienced people coming over, eating, having a great time and never contacting us again. Not even to say thank you.

I am Indian, and in our culture we have a term for such people - KKK - an acronym that roughly translates to, "Ate, Drank, Outta here."

I'm Indian and I've never heard that term. Maybe it's a regional thing.

same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a very small undecorated house. We have had a lot of family issues that financially take priority. I would love to have a bigger, nicer house but that is not our life.

No, I will not babysit in less there is a real last minute emergency if you are not family, close friend or neighbor, take you to the airport (taxi or drive and pay to park which is often cheaper), or jump over hoops to be your friend.

I generally decline as we eat very simply or suggest going out as we have a lot of dietary issues. But, thankfully, none of our friends are like you who are just reaching out to have favors done in return.

OP here. I have said this several times already on this thread, but let me clarify again. These are not "favors" - they are simply suggestions for gestures to show that you value the other person's friendship and are willing to put in some effort into the friendship. You may have other ways of putting in effort into your friendships, and that is great. Please feel free to share.

OP -- I'm Indian too and I think your mentality is really off putting and old school. It sounds like you're saying -- I hosted a dawat last month, so someone better repay and host me this month. If you can't -- that's ok -- feel free to bring over a box of ladoo or drive me to the airport so I don't have to pay a cab. You keep saying these are just some ways to express friendship and asking how else to express it. Well guess what -- friendship doesn't have to be expressed via things -- food or favors. I express my friendship by calling my friends, checking in on them, seeing how life is going -- that may not involve me bringing them something, driving them something, or making them food -- but I think it means more to people to just be able to talk (email/text whatever).

I'm Indian too and feel like now I need to say this isn't an Indian thing, this is OP's thing. I don't need my friends to babysit my kids because I made them dinner -- I just want to keep up friendships , a text, a nice conversation in the hallway of our kids' school, an afternoon at the park. Who cares what form friendship takes? It's supposed to be fun and nice, not an exercise in who owes me what.

[Anonymous]

We've hosted plenty of times without being reciprocated but I don't expect people to- some like to entertain and some don't. I'm one of the ones who does like to entertain and it's my pleasure to do so.

[Anonymous]

I don't really enjoy dinner parties but when invited I get a sitter, go, bring something, try to be a charming guest, draw out other guests in conversation, thank the hosts, etc. I feel like I do a good job of it. But I have no desire to host dinner parties at my own house, because they feel kind of stilted and not that fun. I recognize that the hosts have gone to a lot of work, but I also feel like I've done my part.

Maybe people don't like dinner parties as much as you think? I'd rather do something else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP.
We have a single friend who comes over fairly often and I never expect a reciprocal invitation from him since he lives in a small apartment with a tiny kitchen. But whenever he comes, he brings over something thoughtful for me, and has even offered to babysit for us on multiple occasions. I love these gestures and he will be invited to my house for a long time to come.

It's the folks who don't reciprocate and have the means to do so that bother me. We have even experienced people coming over, eating, having a great time and never contacting us again. Not even to say thank you.

I am Indian, and in our culture we have a term for such people - KKK - an acronym that roughly translates to, "Ate, Drank, Outta here."

I'm Indian and I've never heard that term. Maybe it's a regional thing.

I'm so curious! The only breakdown for that I can think of is "khai, khai, khoda hafez" lol but I have no idea what language the poster is referring.