Frustrated with folks who never reciprocate dinner invites

[Anonymous]

I am indian and I avoid dinner parties at indian (from India) people's houses for this reason - they expect reciprocation and I am not set up to do this (WOH, taking the limited free time I have away from my children to cook and clean and host people is not a priority for me. So I just deflect, say I am busy the night they invite me, and still have a decent relationship with those people, it just doesn't involve dinner parties. non indians are much more comfortable with coming over for takeout while the kids play.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if people don't like to host in their homes, they should definitely invite you out to a restaurant to reciprocate.

I can’t afford that. I make less than half what most of my friends make. Much less than half. I can’t afford the wines you’re going to order. We don’t eat meat or appetizers when we go out to eat. My friends know we have different means, but I suspect they don’t completely “get” it.

Then invite them to your house for cocktails. Open a bottle of wine and put out some cheese and crackers from Aldi.

It's not hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP.
We have a single friend who comes over fairly often and I never expect a reciprocal invitation from him since he lives in a small apartment with a tiny kitchen. But whenever he comes, he brings over something thoughtful for me, and has even offered to babysit for us on multiple occasions. I love these gestures and he will be invited to my house for a long time to come.

It's the folks who don't reciprocate and have the means to do so that bother me. We have even experienced people coming over, eating, having a great time and never contacting us again. Not even to say thank you.

I am Indian, and in our culture we have a term for such people - KKK - an acronym that roughly translates to, "Ate, Drank, Outta here."

Yeah, that acronym means something entirely different here.

[Anonymous]

I think the question that is missing in this discussion is "Why are you hosting?" and "Why am I accepting this invitation?" Although many of us throw parties to have a good time, I think at the heart of it is a desire to make friends. If you consider that this might be the driving motivation behind the invites, then if you have no interest in doing this, perhaps you are better off not accepting the invitation (and I guess I should say, not accept dinner parties v. big parties).

For many years, I used to host largish, regular monthly potluck parties in my neighborhood--it started off because we had small children and wanted to have at least once a month where we knew we would have adult fun. However, I also was hosting because I wanted to get to know the people who were coming and become friends with them. Friendships are a 2-way street, and in my opinion, the reciprocity is not that you owe someone something, but that you are demonstrating interest in pursuing a friendship. Reciprocity is calling someone to say hello, inviting them for a walk or some other outing, sending a card just because, texting "Been thinking of you" and a whole bunch of small gestures, and is not really about returning a dinner invite; and it shouldn't just be one-sided. When I met people who I thought it would be great to know better, I would often invite them over for smaller get togethers where we could talk or get to know each other better and hang out, but none of this was ever reciprocated except through big party invites (or in a couple of cases, not at all). I took this to mean there was no interest in real friendship.

However, over time I've come to conclude that something must be wrong with me and my family, since despite many years of this kind of practice, once we stopped these monthly get togethers, and even before we stopped, we basically didn't see any of the regulars outside of our home that used to come on a monthly basis to our home. Instead I'd see on FB and out my window, that these people who met and got to know each other through my family's generosity were regularly getting together for dinner, to hang out, to go out to movies, shopping, ball games, etc. When we stopped our party, one of our guests actually said, "Well now that you've stopped I don't know when I'll see you again." (She lives 3 streets away.) So I guess there was a mismatch: I was hoping to become friends with the people who were coming to my home, while they were looking for a good time'and while I was so busy being a good hostess my guests became good friends. And I developed fake friends. It still stings, one person who I thought was a friend kept trying to get me to host a Nail Jam party (and before that a Mila Seed party or some other product party), and I kept putting it off. Up until that time, I would call, invite, etc, and after that party, I didn't call her because things got busy for me, and wouldn't you know it, she never called or texted me again. We see each other occasionally now in our neighborhood meetings/events, but I realize now I was just a potential customer.

Anyway, my perspective may not be true for others, but this is what I experienced and why it hurts. I've stopped pretty much with dinner parties, though I did try again last week, though the 2 couples who came for the roast turkey dinner didn't think to even thank me until I reached out a few days afterwards to thank them for coming. I actually said I looked forward to getting together with them at their house or some other place and heard crickets in response. Not even pretending. Guess they just came over for free food.

[Anonymous]

^^ I've occasionally let a few too many days go by before sending a thank you for a dinner party. I've felt bad about it, and send one as soon as I could or as soon as I remembered.

But if I got a thanks for coming with a blatant remark on how you were looking forward to me hosting next time, I probably wouldn't know how to respond and might go silent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if people don't like to host in their homes, they should definitely invite you out to a restaurant to reciprocate.

I can’t afford that. I make less than half what most of my friends make. Much less than half. I can’t afford the wines you’re going to order. We don’t eat meat or appetizers when we go out to eat. My friends know we have different means, but I suspect they don’t completely “get” it.

Then invite them to your house for cocktails. Open a bottle of wine and put out some cheese and crackers from Aldi.

It's not hard.

Have people over for cookies and cocoa on a weekend afternoon, a few people over for a weeknight dinner-that gives a good excuses to say "it's just going to be super casual with salad, bread, and soup, but we really wanted to spend time with you." host a potluck-I know it's very divisive on DCUM but I get invited to plenty and enjoy them. This is probably harder to pull off if you are a young single. If you have kids, it's easy to keep it simple and say your doing it for the kids. But, if you have no friends who would enjoy some kind of budget gathering, you need to make some new frienships.

[Anonymous]

Hm, I've never thought of it. I love cooking and entertaining, but it is a lot of work. I just figure some people aren't up for the hassle.

You will be much less stressed if you just give from your heart without an expectation of getting something back. Life is tough when you cannot see past your own perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I like to entertain. We entertain fairly often, generally in small settings, with two couples invited at the most. I notice that maybe 20% of the people we invite over invite us back to their place, or reciprocate in any other way.


I enjoy having people over, so we continue to do so knowing the trends in the lack of reciprocity, but I can't say that this does not bother me.

Am I the only one experiencing this? If you are someone who does not reciprocate, I want to hear your perspective.

Invite that 20%.

Ignore the rest like the plague.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, maybe it is a cultural thing? My parents are from another culture that is similar- someone invites you over, you eventually want to reciprocate even if entertaining is not your "thing." I don't think it's as big of a deal in American culture? Like, if you don't want to have a dinner party here, you just don't. There's no "code." I think that's why Americans have a lot of social problems.

I find Indians to be more socially awkward than Americans.

I find white people to be a 1000x more awkward, cold and overall just rude when compared to Indians.

- An American is South Asian descent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, maybe it is a cultural thing? My parents are from another culture that is similar- someone invites you over, you eventually want to reciprocate even if entertaining is not your "thing." I don't think it's as big of a deal in American culture? Like, if you don't want to have a dinner party here, you just don't. There's no "code." I think that's why Americans have a lot of social problems.

I find Indians to be more socially awkward than Americans.

I find white people to be a 1000x more awkward, cold and overall just rude when compared to Indians.

- An American is South Asian descent

Of - before I get blasted

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, maybe it is a cultural thing? My parents are from another culture that is similar- someone invites you over, you eventually want to reciprocate even if entertaining is not your "thing." I don't think it's as big of a deal in American culture? Like, if you don't want to have a dinner party here, you just don't. There's no "code." I think that's why Americans have a lot of social problems.

I find Indians to be more socially awkward than Americans.

I find white people to be a 1000x more awkward, cold and overall just rude when compared to Indians.

- An American is South Asian descent

Welcome racist!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, maybe it is a cultural thing? My parents are from another culture that is similar- someone invites you over, you eventually want to reciprocate even if entertaining is not your "thing." I don't think it's as big of a deal in American culture? Like, if you don't want to have a dinner party here, you just don't. There's no "code." I think that's why Americans have a lot of social problems.

I find Indians to be more socially awkward than Americans.

I find white people to be a 1000x more awkward, cold and overall just rude when compared to Indians.

- An American is South Asian descent

Welcome racist!

Interesting that you found my comment racist, but the initial “indians are awkward compared to Americans” comment was ignored for pages. Just demonstrates the blatant racism against Indians on this board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, maybe it is a cultural thing? My parents are from another culture that is similar- someone invites you over, you eventually want to reciprocate even if entertaining is not your "thing." I don't think it's as big of a deal in American culture? Like, if you don't want to have a dinner party here, you just don't. There's no "code." I think that's why Americans have a lot of social problems.

I find Indians to be more socially awkward than Americans.

I find white people to be a 1000x more awkward, cold and overall just rude when compared to Indians.

- An American is South Asian descent

Welcome racist!

Interesting that you found my comment racist, but the initial “indians are awkward compared to Americans” comment was ignored for pages. Just demonstrates the blatant racism against Indians on this board.

Well bravo, your racism is justified. Hail...whomever you hail.

[Anonymous]

Hosting a dinner party doesn't obligate the guests to host next time. It does obligate the guest to bring a bottle of wine or flowers, and to send their thanks (preferably by card, email or text ok).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ I've occasionally let a few too many days go by before sending a thank you for a dinner party. I've felt bad about it, and send one as soon as I could or as soon as I remembered.

But if I got a thanks for coming with a blatant remark on how you were looking forward to me hosting next time, I probably wouldn't know how to respond and might go silent.

+1. I host a lot, but if I ever got such a rude email, there is no way I would ever invite that person over. How incredibly rude!