Frustrated with folks who never reciprocate dinner invites

[Anonymous]

OP again.

To those who have explained the perspective of why people don't entertain, thank you.



If you can not invite people back (for whatever reason) other gestures are appreciated. A mailed thank you note. Offering a ride to the airport. Bringing over something from your garden. Babysitting. Whatever you can afford with your time and money. I think too often people think that others don't care about these manners and etiquette. I think people do care and they do notice when it's not done.

[Anonymous]

A friend of ours invites me over frequently for simple home cooked meals. I enjoy this and her company. I am a terrible cook and don't enjoy hosting, so I make sure to invite her and her DH out to casual dinners (and pay) to kind of reciprocate. We aren't counting, but I do want to make sure she and her DH know I appreciate it and also want to give back.

[Anonymous]

My home is small and I'm not confident enough in my cooking skills to do it for other people. I will show effort in other ways but not by offering the same dine in my home experience. I know that some people are put off by this, but several are fine with it as long as the whole friendship isn't a one-way street.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

To those who have explained the perspective of why people don't entertain, thank you.



If you can not invite people back (for whatever reason) other gestures are appreciated. A mailed thank you note. Offering a ride to the airport. Bringing over something from your garden. Babysitting. Whatever you can afford with your time and money. I think too often people think that others don't care about these manners and etiquette. I think people do care and they do notice when it's not done.

I'm wondering if you appreciate how this sounds, because it sounds an awful lot like you just said people owe you favors because you invited them over to your house. An invitation shouldn't come with these kinds of expectations. Now that you've laid out what you do expect, I wonder if you really would be satisfied if they invited you to join them at a restaurant with everyone paying their own way, even if that is what fit their means.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if people don't like to host in their homes, they should definitely invite you out to a restaurant to reciprocate.

This is what we do. We just don't have the space in our condo for this - but we would invite you out to dinner to reciprocate.

That being said, I think OP needs to change her mindset. You don't know what goes on in other people's lives. Maybe they are poor, maybe they have a marriage on the rocks, maybe a sick relative at home. Who knows!? But, to put your belief and cultural system onto someone else - seems unfair.

I am not sure that this is a "cultural belief" that when someone opens up their home to you and shows hospitality, the polite thing to do is to reciprocate in some way. It seems that you do this by taking people out. Others have other ways of reciprocating. Just something to make the other person feel valued and appreciated.

[Anonymous]

I love entertaining, but never expect people to reciprocate. We invite them because we want to invite them. Because we enjoy having people over, we made sure we have a house that facilitates that (nothing fancy, but a dining room with a big table that isn't covered in crap like many of our friends!). I totally understand that not everyone has the desire or ability to (1) prepare or spend money on food, (2) get their house in condition for guests, or (3) deal with organizing something. Presumably I'm friends with them for other reasons.

Our friends who never or rarely host are usually sure to bring a bottle of wine, offer to pick up take out, or perform other acts of friendship for us though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

To those who have explained the perspective of why people don't entertain, thank you.



If you can not invite people back (for whatever reason) other gestures are appreciated. A mailed thank you note. Offering a ride to the airport. Bringing over something from your garden. Babysitting. Whatever you can afford with your time and money. I think too often people think that others don't care about these manners and etiquette. I think people do care and they do notice when it's not done.

I'm wondering if you appreciate how this sounds, because it sounds an awful lot like you just said people owe you favors because you invited them over to your house. An invitation shouldn't come with these kinds of expectations. Now that you've laid out what you do expect, I wonder if you really would be satisfied if they invited you to join them at a restaurant with everyone paying their own way, even if that is what fit their means.

I am not Indian, and I agree with OP that gestures of hospitality should be returned in some way. I think OP's point is less about "owing favors" than it is about gracious behavior - acknowledging the pleasure of experiencing a dinner party with a return gesture of some kind. Repeated "thank yous" eventually feel meaningless to a host who is looking for a give-and-take friendship/relationship.

OP, I too like to host, and we do so pretty frequently. It annoys me when people we have had at our house for dinner repeatedly do not do anything at all to reciprocate. Over time it makes me feel used and unappreciated, so I do not invite them back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

To those who have explained the perspective of why people don't entertain, thank you.



If you can not invite people back (for whatever reason) other gestures are appreciated. A mailed thank you note. Offering a ride to the airport. Bringing over something from your garden. Babysitting. Whatever you can afford with your time and money. I think too often people think that others don't care about these manners and etiquette. I think people do care and they do notice when it's not done.

I'm wondering if you appreciate how this sounds, because it sounds an awful lot like you just said people owe you favors because you invited them over to your house. An invitation shouldn't come with these kinds of expectations. Now that you've laid out what you do expect, I wonder if you really would be satisfied if they invited you to join them at a restaurant with everyone paying their own way, even if that is what fit their means.

Maybe you are right. Expectation are the root of all evil. The correct mindset is to appreciate these things but not expect them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP.
We have a single friend who comes over fairly often and I never expect a reciprocal invitation from him since he lives in a small apartment with a tiny kitchen. But whenever he comes, he brings over something thoughtful for me, and has even offered to babysit for us on multiple occasions. I love these gestures and he will be invited to my house for a long time to come.

It's the folks who don't reciprocate and have the means to do so that bother me. We have even experienced people coming over, eating, having a great time and never contacting us again. Not even to say thank you.

I am Indian, and in our culture we have a term for such people - KKK - an acronym that roughly translates to, "Ate, Drank, Outta here."

BTW, I never meant the part about KKK to mean that Americans do this and Indians don't. In stead I meant it as it happens in Indian culture as well and we even have a name for it! And for what it's worth we have had both Indians and Americans be extremely gracious dinner guests and both Indian and Americans never contact us again after having a nice dinner at our house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A friend of ours invites me over frequently for simple home cooked meals. I enjoy this and her company. I am a terrible cook and don't enjoy hosting, so I make sure to invite her and her DH out to casual dinners (and pay) to kind of reciprocate. We aren't counting, but I do want to make sure she and her DH know I appreciate it and also want to give back.

Seems like you are doing this just right!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

To those who have explained the perspective of why people don't entertain, thank you.



If you can not invite people back (for whatever reason) other gestures are appreciated. A mailed thank you note. Offering a ride to the airport. Bringing over something from your garden. Babysitting. Whatever you can afford with your time and money. I think too often people think that others don't care about these manners and etiquette. I think people do care and they do notice when it's not done.

OP, if you invite people over so they'll "owe you one" or you expect something in return, just stop. Invite people over because you enjoy their company and want to have a good time. Otherwise you're being selfish and a bad friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

To those who have explained the perspective of why people don't entertain, thank you.



If you can not invite people back (for whatever reason) other gestures are appreciated. A mailed thank you note. Offering a ride to the airport. Bringing over something from your garden. Babysitting. Whatever you can afford with your time and money. I think too often people think that others don't care about these manners and etiquette. I think people do care and they do notice when it's not done.

I'm wondering if you appreciate how this sounds, because it sounds an awful lot like you just said people owe you favors because you invited them over to your house. An invitation shouldn't come with these kinds of expectations. Now that you've laid out what you do expect, I wonder if you really would be satisfied if they invited you to join them at a restaurant with everyone paying their own way, even if that is what fit their means.

I am not Indian, and I agree with OP that gestures of hospitality should be returned in some way. I think OP's point is less about "owing favors" than it is about gracious behavior - acknowledging the pleasure of experiencing a dinner party with a return gesture of some kind. Repeated "thank yous" eventually feel meaningless to a host who is looking for a give-and-take friendship/relationship.

OP, I too like to host, and we do so pretty frequently. It annoys me when people we have had at our house for dinner repeatedly do not do anything at all to reciprocate. Over time it makes me feel used and unappreciated, so I do not invite them back.

I find this incredibly odd. Did these people ask you to host or expect you to entertain them in some way?? Presumably not, so how on earth can you feel used unless there are strings attached to your invitation... which makes you the ungracious one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if people don't like to host in their homes, they should definitely invite you out to a restaurant to reciprocate.

This is what we do. We just don't have the space in our condo for this - but we would invite you out to dinner to reciprocate.

That being said, I think OP needs to change her mindset. You don't know what goes on in other people's lives. Maybe they are poor, maybe they have a marriage on the rocks, maybe a sick relative at home. Who knows!? But, to put your belief and cultural system onto someone else - seems unfair.

I am not sure that this is a "cultural belief" that when someone opens up their home to you and shows hospitality, the polite thing to do is to reciprocate in some way. It seems that you do this by taking people out. Others have other ways of reciprocating. Just something to make the other person feel valued and appreciated.

Well, I'm not from this "culture" so I am very careful not to impose my standards on others (as it appears OP is doing). While it is polite to reciprocate in some way, OP seems fixated on being invited over to other peoples homes or "counting this for that"

Where I am from, you give not to receive but because you enjoy giving and cherish your friends. That may not be the custom where OP is from or here in the US. It seems here you keep a score card on who gave what to whom and how much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

To those who have explained the perspective of why people don't entertain, thank you.



If you can not invite people back (for whatever reason) other gestures are appreciated. A mailed thank you note. Offering a ride to the airport. Bringing over something from your garden. Babysitting. Whatever you can afford with your time and money. I think too often people think that others don't care about these manners and etiquette. I think people do care and they do notice when it's not done.

OP, if you invite people over so they'll "owe you one" or you expect something in return, just stop. Invite people over because you enjoy their company and want to have a good time. Otherwise you're being selfish and a bad friend.

Honestly those were meant as suggestions for folks on this thread who said they would like to do something to show they appreciated the invitation, but don't have the means to invite people over. No one owes anyone anything and thanks be to the universe, my husband and I can afford our own babysitters and taxi rides. If there is a need, it is for friendship. And it would be nice if that were a two-way street. No one is counting favors , but don't be a free rider friend is all I am saying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if people don't like to host in their homes, they should definitely invite you out to a restaurant to reciprocate.

This is what we do. We just don't have the space in our condo for this - but we would invite you out to dinner to reciprocate.

That being said, I think OP needs to change her mindset. You don't know what goes on in other people's lives. Maybe they are poor, maybe they have a marriage on the rocks, maybe a sick relative at home. Who knows!? But, to put your belief and cultural system onto someone else - seems unfair.

I am not sure that this is a "cultural belief" that when someone opens up their home to you and shows hospitality, the polite thing to do is to reciprocate in some way. It seems that you do this by taking people out. Others have other ways of reciprocating. Just something to make the other person feel valued and appreciated.

Well, I'm not from this "culture" so I am very careful not to impose my standards on others (as it appears OP is doing). While it is polite to reciprocate in some way, OP seems fixated on being invited over to other peoples homes or "counting this for that"






Where I am from, you give not to receive but because you enjoy giving and cherish your friends. That may not be the custom where OP is from or here in the US. It seems here you keep a score card on who gave what to whom and how much.

We had a couple over not too long ago who we have known for a few years. I made dinner, we had a fun time. But it's probably been over six months and I have not heard from this person. Didn't get a thank you email. Nothing. Radio silence. I know this person is alive and well, because we are FB friends and we have other mutual friends. You seem like you would not be hurt at all by this. You would just be happy that you got to spend that one evening with your friend? That's really remarkable. How do you do it?