Do you feel your husband appreciates you as a SAHM?

[Anonymous]

^Fetishization? I am the PP who spoke of how much I enjoyed those times with my mom and I hardly think thats the right term for it. The fact is, those times meant a lot to me, and to my siblings. My mother had to go back to work when I was in college, and my younger siblings went through most of middle and high school without her. There was a marked difference in performance in school, use of drugs, and also juvenile/criminal activity. Now, this was an extreme case, but I know for me and ALL my siblings we so missed that time in the "golden hours" of the afternoon where we would sit around the table and chat with her. By 11pm or "late at night", she was usually so stressed and tired that chatting was the last thing she wanted to do.

Of course, everyone has different experiences- but to suggest mine are invalid and that people are "fetishizing" the additional time with children that SAHMing allows is absolutely ludicrous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I nd it's simply not fair to the woman. I think managing a household takes a tremendous amount of work, and some women choose to stay home to facilitate that. Not to mention the incredible emotional benefit of being with your children, for both yourself and your kids. It is a choice, but some people seem to get really angry when moms choose the SAHM route, despite the fact that it absolutely is a viable choice with very specific, pronounced benefits for the family.

Yeah really does seem like in most cases the woman gets the shit and of the deal. I absolutely refuse to continue working and so more than 50 percent of the work. He knows it.

One thing though is women do tend to take on a lot that is unnecessary. Stop planning the social life, don't buy presents, don't plan holiday meals, don't make lunches, don't announce when it is time to buy groceries, I could go on. No one will die and your husband will pick up some of the slack.

Yes, I totally agree. Maybe it's something about this area. Nowhere else have I seen women act like such absolute fools/martyrs when it comes to their marriages. They absolutely feel like they must do it all, or else it will all fall apart.

It reminds me of a very sweet friend of mine (I am 25). I lived in Dallas and when I met her she was fresh out of a dysfunctional relationship with some loser DJ hotshot guy. Really feeling damaged. She met her current husband, and they fell in love and got married. She decided to stay at home with their kid, and their relationship seems so loving and happy. She posts often about feeling overwhelmed about housework and raising their daughter and everyone on Facebook is totally supportive, as is her husband.
It makes me sad to think if she were posting on here she would be absolutely attacked as an incompetent selfish gold-digging fool, when she is in fact absolutely NONE of those things (and it truly couldnt be further from the truth). It seems like in this area there is a distinctive lack of understanding for SAHMs. Maybe it's because it's an area with such a focus on the attainment of power and people can't understand those who excuse themselves from that race for the sake of their family.

Your friend in Dallas sounds like many women in other parts of the country. Women in DC don't come across as sweet to me. Many probably can't fathom a world where they are considered the fairer sex, revered for raising children well and enjoy keeping a home and entertaining. Of course this isn't the situation for all women, but for many, including my college friends. They aren't considered lazy gold diggers anymore than their husbands are considered greedy for working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^Fetishization? I am the PP who spoke of how much I enjoyed those times with my mom and I hardly think thats the right term for it. The fact is, those times meant a lot to me, and to my siblings. My mother had to go back to work when I was in college, and my younger siblings went through most of middle and high school without her. There was a marked difference in performance in school, use of drugs, and also juvenile/criminal activity. Now, this was an extreme case, but I know for me and ALL my siblings we so missed that time in the "golden hours" of the afternoon where we would sit around the table and chat with her. By 11pm or "late at night", she was usually so stressed and tired that chatting was the last thing she wanted to do.

Of course, everyone has different experiences- but to suggest mine are invalid and that people are "fetishizing" the additional time with children that SAHMing allows is absolutely ludicrous.

I'm not suggesting yours are invalid. What I am reacting to was the "amazing," etc PP who wrote as though that's a universal experience. That experience is just not the case for everybody (even, I might say, most people), but there's a lot of people here in DCUM who write as though that is the only valid experience that exists. That is what I mean by fetishization: there is this assumption that there is a single universal experience that is the best experience. That IS fetishization.

If it works for you, cool. But it's not universal, and it's not right to assume that is the only time that people make connections with their kids or that it's the best way to do things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man here and killing some time at the airport due to a delayed flight, I sometimes like watching you all duke it out.

One thing I'm curious about how is it these man cannot have career success without a SAHW? I'm a pretty successful guy and am a part owner/General Manager of a mid sized business. My wife also works full time and I've still managed to bring in 7 figures most years.

Granted we make enough money together that we just get to come home from work and focus on the family and not tedious chores like laundry and running errands (we have a housekeeper) and don't have to do the dirty work of running a house, but I have plenty of successful men working for me who also have wives who work as well.

They can. It's SAHMs justifying themselves. No man HAS to work 90 hours a week. He just doesn't, unless he's incredibly inefficient. I also can't fathom a household where a man works like that and a woman doesn't offer to work too so they can both work regular hours.

I'd say it's awful cavalier to act as if you know the situation of all SAHMs and the reasons they stay at home. Some careers do naturally entail more hours.

It's wonderful if the pp has a career where he is successful and his wife also works and that works for their family. It's great if the other pp can work her working would curtail the amount of hours the dh worked, again that works for your family.

Whether I worked or not, Dh would still have his hours, at least for the next 10 years or so. Could he quit and find some other line of work, yes. But he wouldn't be as happy and him having to quit so I could go to work to take the load off wouldn't make his day. Like I said, this thread is about appreciation. He knows I've sacrificed a career and he appreciates me as a SAHM. I'm happy to know I'm appreciated and I'm happy to do my part in this relationship. He's happy, I'm happy. No problems here.

It seems as if you are the one in need of some sort of justification for your situation.

I would never be happy if my husband wasn't an active and equal parent. No justification here.

Where did I ever state he wasn't an active, equal parent? He may not be around them as much as me, but the time he spends with them is quality time. Isn't that what all you WOHMs say anyway. Those late night chats before bed, the cheering at soccer games, vacations together. Geez. When he's home, he's with them. He reads stories to them, coaches soccer, builds legos with them, plays ball outside with them, makes from scratch waffles on weekend mornings, etc.

No justification needed, that's fine, because guess what? Your family choices work for your family. Why do you assume then that SAHMs need justification just because they didn't make the same choice as you? Why do you assume they are all not happy because that wouldn't make you happy.

I'm not sure why WOHM always seem to think that if we don't feel the same way that we are wrong and they are right. DIFFERENT CHOICES FOR DIFFERENT FAMILIES.


It truly makes me sad when women tear each other down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^Fetishization? I am the PP who spoke of how much I enjoyed those times with my mom and I hardly think thats the right term for it. The fact is, those times meant a lot to me, and to my siblings. My mother had to go back to work when I was in college, and my younger siblings went through most of middle and high school without her. There was a marked difference in performance in school, use of drugs, and also juvenile/criminal activity. Now, this was an extreme case, but I know for me and ALL my siblings we so missed that time in the "golden hours" of the afternoon where we would sit around the table and chat with her. By 11pm or "late at night", she was usually so stressed and tired that chatting was the last thing she wanted to do.

Of course, everyone has different experiences- but to suggest mine are invalid and that people are "fetishizing" the additional time with children that SAHMing allows is absolutely ludicrous.

I'm not suggesting yours are invalid. What I am reacting to was the "amazing," etc PP who wrote as though that's a universal experience. That experience is just not the case for everybody (even, I might say, most people), but there's a lot of people here in DCUM who write as though that is the only valid experience that exists. That is what I mean by fetishization: there is this assumption that there is a single universal experience that is the best experience. That IS fetishization.

If it works for you, cool. But it's not universal, and it's not right to assume that is the only time that people make connections with their kids or that it's the best way to do things.

I dont remember anyone suggesting that every "child of SAHM" experience was like that, or all the same. Just as many kids with working parents do not have a magical time late at night where they sip hot cocoa and chat with their parents.

But, by the very natures of the different jobs, it would be impossible to argue that the average SAHM does not have more time to spend with/around their child than the average WOTH mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man here and killing some time at the airport due to a delayed flight, I sometimes like watching you all duke it out.

One thing I'm curious about how is it these man cannot have career success without a SAHW? I'm a pretty successful guy and am a part owner/General Manager of a mid sized business. My wife also works full time and I've still managed to bring in 7 figures most years.

Granted we make enough money together that we just get to come home from work and focus on the family and not tedious chores like laundry and running errands (we have a housekeeper) and don't have to do the dirty work of running a house, but I have plenty of successful men working for me who also have wives who work as well.

They can. It's SAHMs justifying themselves. No man HAS to work 90 hours a week. He just doesn't, unless he's incredibly inefficient. I also can't fathom a household where a man works like that and a woman doesn't offer to work too so they can both work regular hours.

I'd say it's awful cavalier to act as if you know the situation of all SAHMs and the reasons they stay at home. Some careers do naturally entail more hours.

It's wonderful if the pp has a career where he is successful and his wife also works and that works for their family. It's great if the other pp can work her working would curtail the amount of hours the dh worked, again that works for your family.

Whether I worked or not, Dh would still have his hours, at least for the next 10 years or so. Could he quit and find some other line of work, yes. But he wouldn't be as happy and him having to quit so I could go to work to take the load off wouldn't make his day. Like I said, this thread is about appreciation. He knows I've sacrificed a career and he appreciates me as a SAHM. I'm happy to know I'm appreciated and I'm happy to do my part in this relationship. He's happy, I'm happy. No problems here.

It seems as if you are the one in need of some sort of justification for your situation.

I would never be happy if my husband wasn't an active and equal parent. No justification here.

Where did I ever state he wasn't an active, equal parent? He may not be around them as much as me, but the time he spends with them is quality time. Isn't that what all you WOHMs say anyway. Those late night chats before bed, the cheering at soccer games, vacations together. Geez. When he's home, he's with them. He reads stories to them, coaches soccer, builds legos with them, plays ball outside with them, makes from scratch waffles on weekend mornings, etc.

No justification needed, that's fine, because guess what? Your family choices work for your family. Why do you assume then that SAHMs need justification just because they didn't make the same choice as you? Why do you assume they are all not happy because that wouldn't make you happy.

I'm not sure why WOHM always seem to think that if we don't feel the same way that we are wrong and they are right. DIFFERENT CHOICES FOR DIFFERENT FAMILIES.


It truly makes me sad when women tear each other down.

Same here. And I am a big feminist, not a SAHM. And yet I always see the WOTH moms tearing down the SAHMs. Why do we feel the need to destroy other women? Based on choices they are happy with? It makes no sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not a SAHM but I can't understand why you would want to have kids and NOT be with them or have your partner be with them as much as possible? I grew up with a SAHM and coming home from school to see her was such an amazing, internal, substantive part of my life. I just can't fathom how you could have that option and reject it.

Well I'm a SAHM and will be the FIRST to admit that I'm one because I don't have the earning potential to make it worth having 3 kids in daycare. I will return to work (teaching) when my youngest is in K.

I did grow up with a SAHM and I do not have such bucolic memories as you. I do remember my mother vacuuming in the room I was always trying to watch TV in though and her always being in the way when I wanted to smoke some pot. After the age of 13, my mother was a driver and an annoyance. I love her, but that was the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not a SAHM but I can't understand why you would want to have kids and NOT be with them or have your partner be with them as much as possible? I grew up with a SAHM and coming home from school to see her was such an amazing, internal, substantive part of my life. I just can't fathom how you could have that option and reject it.

Well I'm a SAHM and will be the FIRST to admit that I'm one because I don't have the earning potential to make it worth having 3 kids in daycare. I will return to work (teaching) when my youngest is in K.

I did grow up with a SAHM and I do not have such bucolic memories as you. I do remember my mother vacuuming in the room I was always trying to watch TV in though and her always being in the way when I wanted to smoke some pot. After the age of 13, my mother was a driver and an annoyance. I love her, but that was the truth.

Well lucky for you your kids can make up for your mother's crimes since they will be able to smoke all the pot they want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^Fetishization? I am the PP who spoke of how much I enjoyed those times with my mom and I hardly think thats the right term for it. The fact is, those times meant a lot to me, and to my siblings. My mother had to go back to work when I was in college, and my younger siblings went through most of middle and high school without her. There was a marked difference in performance in school, use of drugs, and also juvenile/criminal activity. Now, this was an extreme case, but I know for me and ALL my siblings we so missed that time in the "golden hours" of the afternoon where we would sit around the table and chat with her. By 11pm or "late at night", she was usually so stressed and tired that chatting was the last thing she wanted to do.

Of course, everyone has different experiences- but to suggest mine are invalid and that people are "fetishizing" the additional time with children that SAHMing allows is absolutely ludicrous.

I'm not suggesting yours are invalid. What I am reacting to was the "amazing," etc PP who wrote as though that's a universal experience. That experience is just not the case for everybody (even, I might say, most people), but there's a lot of people here in DCUM who write as though that is the only valid experience that exists. That is what I mean by fetishization: there is this assumption that there is a single universal experience that is the best experience. That IS fetishization.

If it works for you, cool. But it's not universal, and it's not right to assume that is the only time that people make connections with their kids or that it's the best way to do things.

I dont remember anyone suggesting that every "child of SAHM" experience was like that, or all the same. Just as many kids with working parents do not have a magical time late at night where they sip hot cocoa and chat with their parents.

But, by the very natures of the different jobs, it would be impossible to argue that the average SAHM does not have more time to spend with/around their child than the average WOTH mom.

So long as you understand that your experience may not be universal, and are comfortable with your own choices without making assumptions about other people's families, it's all good. Go wild with your schedule and enjoy it!

Personally, I don't make assumptions about average time spent in somebody else's family or spend time worrying about what some other family does. Families are simply too complex to generalize that way and in any case, why would it be my business? It's not. People generally do the best they can, I think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^Fetishization? I am the PP who spoke of how much I enjoyed those times with my mom and I hardly think thats the right term for it. The fact is, those times meant a lot to me, and to my siblings. My mother had to go back to work when I was in college, and my younger siblings went through most of middle and high school without her. There was a marked difference in performance in school, use of drugs, and also juvenile/criminal activity. Now, this was an extreme case, but I know for me and ALL my siblings we so missed that time in the "golden hours" of the afternoon where we would sit around the table and chat with her. By 11pm or "late at night", she was usually so stressed and tired that chatting was the last thing she wanted to do.

Of course, everyone has different experiences- but to suggest mine are invalid and that people are "fetishizing" the additional time with children that SAHMing allows is absolutely ludicrous.

I'm not suggesting yours are invalid. What I am reacting to was the "amazing," etc PP who wrote as though that's a universal experience. That experience is just not the case for everybody (even, I might say, most people), but there's a lot of people here in DCUM who write as though that is the only valid experience that exists. That is what I mean by fetishization: there is this assumption that there is a single universal experience that is the best experience. That IS fetishization.

If it works for you, cool. But it's not universal, and it's not right to assume that is the only time that people make connections with their kids or that it's the best way to do things.

I dont remember anyone suggesting that every "child of SAHM" experience was like that, or all the same. Just as many kids with working parents do not have a magical time late at night where they sip hot cocoa and chat with their parents.

But, by the very natures of the different jobs, it would be impossible to argue that the average SAHM does not have more time to spend with/around their child than the average WOTH mom.

So long as you understand that your experience may not be universal, and are comfortable with your own choices without making assumptions about other people's families, it's all good. Go wild with your schedule and enjoy it!

Personally, I don't make assumptions about average time spent in somebody else's family or spend time worrying about what some other family does. Families are simply too complex to generalize that way and in any case, why would it be my business? It's not. People generally do the best they can, I think.

I would hope so. But that seems to be totally irrelevant to the point of this thread. We are talking about appreciation of SAHMs- I'm merely pointing out that SAHMs can, on average, absolutely spend more time with their kids. I think a lot of kids will appreciate that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a different PP, but I definitely knew my SAHM was unhappy. I remember hearing her crying in the locked bathroom during those afternoon times when she thought we were elsewhere in the house and not listening. It wasn't a magical or amazing or substantive or whatever time, it scared me and I knew (and later confirmed when we talked it over) she was deeply unhappy and intellectually frustrated. She was a great mother, but SAH wasn't good for her, and I knew that even then.

I WOH now, but I have also SAH. I honestly don't get the sort of fetishization of the after-school hours I see here on DCUM. I am sure in some families it is the prime time, but it never was for me growing up and it wasn't when I was a working parent either. My emotional prime time with my parents was late at night, just before bed, having conversations in the dark. My kids now do the same with me. They're much older now, but our late-night chats still continue, just as they did with my parents.

I don't understand the narrowness of thinking here. People don't structure their relationships and families exactly the same way, and that is okay. The afterschool time may be amazing, substantive, whatever for some families, and for some families it may mean a time where everybody is at low blood sugar or tiredness or whatever and not at their best. People make connections at times that work for them, not by some pre-set schedule.

You are right, every family is different.

We are a big game playing family. Just about each night after dinner we clean the dishes and play a few card and board games. Between dinner and games that 60-90min has a huge impact on our family unit. Everyone is focused TOGETHER on something. Everyone is gathered around the table (yes, even dad, our dad participates in the family, including being home for dinner) Lots of laughter and bonding goes on at that time.

I'm not going to say if I'm WFH or SAH, but regardless, we'd all get the same great experience with the traditions we have created.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not a SAHM but I can't understand why you would want to have kids and NOT be with them or have your partner be with them as much as possible? I grew up with a SAHM and coming home from school to see her was such an amazing, internal, substantive part of my life. I just can't fathom how you could have that option and reject it.

Well I'm a SAHM and will be the FIRST to admit that I'm one because I don't have the earning potential to make it worth having 3 kids in daycare. I will return to work (teaching) when my youngest is in K.

I did grow up with a SAHM and I do not have such bucolic memories as you. I do remember my mother vacuuming in the room I was always trying to watch TV in though and her always being in the way when I wanted to smoke some pot. After the age of 13, my mother was a driver and an annoyance. I love her, but that was the truth.

Well lucky for you your kids can make up for your mother's crimes since they will be able to smoke all the pot they want.

It didn't stop me, it just stopped me from doing it in my room (which was my preferred method through some dryer sheets stuffed in an empty toilet paper roll). I had to go down the street to the park at the end of the road. I was a heavy before and after school smoker. I can ASSURE you that having a SAHM will not prevent your kids from drug use.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^Fetishization? I am the PP who spoke of how much I enjoyed those times with my mom and I hardly think thats the right term for it. The fact is, those times meant a lot to me, and to my siblings. My mother had to go back to work when I was in college, and my younger siblings went through most of middle and high school without her. There was a marked difference in performance in school, use of drugs, and also juvenile/criminal activity. Now, this was an extreme case, but I know for me and ALL my siblings we so missed that time in the "golden hours" of the afternoon where we would sit around the table and chat with her. By 11pm or "late at night", she was usually so stressed and tired that chatting was the last thing she wanted to do.

Of course, everyone has different experiences- but to suggest mine are invalid and that people are "fetishizing" the additional time with children that SAHMing allows is absolutely ludicrous.

Possibly the stupidest thinly veiled scaremongering on this thread.

Congratulations on that distinction. And you have a creepy obsession with your mother and your afterschool cuddle time. What kind of teenager cherishes the "golden hours" with his/her mother? Yea, fetish alright.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not a SAHM but I can't understand why you would want to have kids and NOT be with them or have your partner be with them as much as possible? I grew up with a SAHM and coming home from school to see her was such an amazing, internal, substantive part of my life. I just can't fathom how you could have that option and reject it.

Well I'm a SAHM and will be the FIRST to admit that I'm one because I don't have the earning potential to make it worth having 3 kids in daycare. I will return to work (teaching) when my youngest is in K.

I did grow up with a SAHM and I do not have such bucolic memories as you. I do remember my mother vacuuming in the room I was always trying to watch TV in though and her always being in the way when I wanted to smoke some pot. After the age of 13, my mother was a driver and an annoyance. I love her, but that was the truth.

Well lucky for you your kids can make up for your mother's crimes since they will be able to smoke all the pot they want.

It didn't stop me, it just stopped me from doing it in my room (which was my preferred method through some dryer sheets stuffed in an empty toilet paper roll). I had to go down the street to the park at the end of the road. I was a heavy before and after school smoker. I can ASSURE you that having a SAHM will not prevent your kids from drug use.

Well it certainly prevented me from it! There was no way I could have smoked weed around my mom... she was way too quick on the draw for that. Would have known immediately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^Fetishization? I am the PP who spoke of how much I enjoyed those times with my mom and I hardly think thats the right term for it. The fact is, those times meant a lot to me, and to my siblings. My mother had to go back to work when I was in college, and my younger siblings went through most of middle and high school without her. There was a marked difference in performance in school, use of drugs, and also juvenile/criminal activity. Now, this was an extreme case, but I know for me and ALL my siblings we so missed that time in the "golden hours" of the afternoon where we would sit around the table and chat with her. By 11pm or "late at night", she was usually so stressed and tired that chatting was the last thing she wanted to do.

Of course, everyone has different experiences- but to suggest mine are invalid and that people are "fetishizing" the additional time with children that SAHMing allows is absolutely ludicrous.

Possibly the stupidest thinly veiled scaremongering on this thread.

Congratulations on that distinction. And you have a creepy obsession with your mother and your afterschool cuddle time. What kind of teenager cherishes the "golden hours" with his/her mother? Yea, fetish alright.

You're not very bright, are you?
http://lmgtfy.com/?q=golden+hours