Do you feel your husband appreciates you as a SAHM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not a SAHM but I can't understand why you would want to have kids and NOT be with them or have your partner be with them as much as possible? I grew up with a SAHM and coming home from school to see her was such an amazing, internal, substantive part of my life. I just can't fathom how you could have that option and reject it.

Please try to understand that your own experience isn't universal. People make choices based on what's best for their kids. It might not line up with your experiences and that's okay. I had a SAHM and what you describe was not my experience.

So are you afraid that you will be emotionally distant or something? If you had a SAHM and she didnt do a good job, are you assuming that you will be acting the same way as her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not a SAHM but I can't understand why you would want to have kids and NOT be with them or have your partner be with them as much as possible? I grew up with a SAHM and coming home from school to see her was such an amazing, internal, substantive part of my life. I just can't fathom how you could have that option and reject it.

There's a happy medium. I love being with my kids, but they need outside influences as well. Teaching them to exist in a bubble helps no one. Love comes from different sources.

Well of course. I wasn't homeschooled, and I did lots of activities. But knowing my mom was home and that I could spend those extra hours every day around her meant so much to me. i look back now and am so grateful.

Me too. Only on DCUM does having a SAHM equal having no outside influences and living in a bubble. These are probably the same people who will tell you daycare is preferable because babies need socialization, as if SAHPs never leave the house.

I don't think spending all my time with my kids is best for me or them. That's the part of pp's post I was addressing. No need to be defensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not a SAHM but I can't understand why you would want to have kids and NOT be with them or have your partner be with them as much as possible? I grew up with a SAHM and coming home from school to see her was such an amazing, internal, substantive part of my life. I just can't fathom how you could have that option and reject it.

There's a happy medium. I love being with my kids, but they need outside influences as well. Teaching them to exist in a bubble helps no one. Love comes from different sources.

Well of course. I wasn't homeschooled, and I did lots of activities. But knowing my mom was home and that I could spend those extra hours every day around her meant so much to me. i look back now and am so grateful.

I think if most people, men or women, could come home at 3pm and be with their kids they would, once kids are school aged. For many women and families, that isn't a possibility and staying at home all day, without intellectual stimulation or financial contribution, doesn't make it worth it.

My mom was home after school and I loved it. I didn't realize until much later how lonely and un-intellectually stimulated she was during those years.

Do you know that she was lonely and lacking intellectual stimulation? I stay at home and would hate for anyone to think that about me. They would be wrong. I'm neither. Now that I'm not working I have a lot more time for friends and intellectual pursuits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not a SAHM but I can't understand why you would want to have kids and NOT be with them or have your partner be with them as much as possible? I grew up with a SAHM and coming home from school to see her was such an amazing, internal, substantive part of my life. I just can't fathom how you could have that option and reject it.

Right. There is a huge emotional aspect to this that so many people leave out of this debate. I will most likely continue to work with children, but absolutely see the benefit of my mom staying home with me. There isn't anything wrong with making your family and children your number one concern and not having a career. At the end of the day, no one does anything THAT exciting and most would leave their job if they won the lottery. If a family can make having a sahp work financially, I say more power to them! I'm so glad women have many career options now, but do see what we have lost as well. It used to be assumes a woman would not work and would stay home. Now it is assumed you'll work and have children for a man.

Exactly... and sadly enough it seems that too often, the working mothers are still doing most of the laundry, the cooking, the childcare, and the cleaning. I'm sure some will say their husbands split it equally, which is awesome. But being a WOHM often means you are shouldering even MORE of the burden and it's simply not fair to the woman. I think managing a household takes a tremendous amount of work, and some women choose to stay home to facilitate that. Not to mention the incredible emotional benefit of being with your children, for both yourself and your kids. It is a choice, but some people seem to get really angry when moms choose the SAHM route, despite the fact that it absolutely is a viable choice with very specific, pronounced benefits for the family.

Yeah really does seem like in most cases the woman gets the shit and of the deal. I absolutely refuse to continue working and so more than 50 percent of the work. He knows it.

One thing though is women do tend to take on a lot that is unnecessary. Stop planning the social life, don't buy presents, don't plan holiday meals, don't make lunches, don't announce when it is time to buy groceries, I could go on. No one will die and your husband will pick up some of the slack.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not a SAHM but I can't understand why you would want to have kids and NOT be with them or have your partner be with them as much as possible? I grew up with a SAHM and coming home from school to see her was such an amazing, internal, substantive part of my life. I just can't fathom how you could have that option and reject it.

There's a happy medium. I love being with my kids, but they need outside influences as well. Teaching them to exist in a bubble helps no one. Love comes from different sources.

Well of course. I wasn't homeschooled, and I did lots of activities. But knowing my mom was home and that I could spend those extra hours every day around her meant so much to me. i look back now and am so grateful.

Me too. Only on DCUM does having a SAHM equal having no outside influences and living in a bubble. These are probably the same people who will tell you daycare is preferable because babies need socialization, as if SAHPs never leave the house.

Exactly. I guess they dont realize that most SAHMs in fact set up tons of playdates and spend a good portion of their older kids' lives shuffling them from activity to activity. In many ways the SAHM kids at my school were a lot busier and more involved in school activities than the WOTH kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not a SAHM but I can't understand why you would want to have kids and NOT be with them or have your partner be with them as much as possible? I grew up with a SAHM and coming home from school to see her was such an amazing, internal, substantive part of my life. I just can't fathom how you could have that option and reject it.

There's a happy medium. I love being with my kids, but they need outside influences as well. Teaching them to exist in a bubble helps no one. Love comes from different sources.

Well of course. I wasn't homeschooled, and I did lots of activities. But knowing my mom was home and that I could spend those extra hours every day around her meant so much to me. i look back now and am so grateful.

I think if most people, men or women, could come home at 3pm and be with their kids they would, once kids are school aged. For many women and families, that isn't a possibility and staying at home all day, without intellectual stimulation or financial contribution, doesn't make it worth it.

My mom was home after school and I loved it. I didn't realize until much later how lonely and un-intellectually stimulated she was during those years.

Do you know that she was lonely and lacking intellectual stimulation? I stay at home and would hate for anyone to think that about me. They would be wrong. I'm neither. Now that I'm not working I have a lot more time for friends and intellectual pursuits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not a SAHM but I can't understand why you would want to have kids and NOT be with them or have your partner be with them as much as possible? I grew up with a SAHM and coming home from school to see her was such an amazing, internal, substantive part of my life. I just can't fathom how you could have that option and reject it.

There's a happy medium. I love being with my kids, but they need outside influences as well. Teaching them to exist in a bubble helps no one. Love comes from different sources.

Well of course. I wasn't homeschooled, and I did lots of activities. But knowing my mom was home and that I could spend those extra hours every day around her meant so much to me. i look back now and am so grateful.

I think if most people, men or women, could come home at 3pm and be with their kids they would, once kids are school aged. For many women and families, that isn't a possibility and staying at home all day, without intellectual stimulation or financial contribution, doesn't make it worth it.

My mom was home after school and I loved it. I didn't realize until much later how lonely and un-intellectually stimulated she was during those years.

Do you know that she was lonely and lacking intellectual stimulation? I stay at home and would hate for anyone to think that about me. They would be wrong. I'm neither. Now that I'm not working I have a lot more time for friends and intellectual pursuits. [/quote
Absolutely. She and I had many honest conversations about it. When we went to college she started taking classes etc - didn't feel she had the bandwidth before then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not a SAHM but I can't understand why you would want to have kids and NOT be with them or have your partner be with them as much as possible? I grew up with a SAHM and coming home from school to see her was such an amazing, internal, substantive part of my life. I just can't fathom how you could have that option and reject it.

There's a happy medium. I love being with my kids, but they need outside influences as well. Teaching them to exist in a bubble helps no one. Love comes from different sources.

Well of course. I wasn't homeschooled, and I did lots of activities. But knowing my mom was home and that I could spend those extra hours every day around her meant so much to me. i look back now and am so grateful.

Me too. Only on DCUM does having a SAHM equal having no outside influences and living in a bubble. These are probably the same people who will tell you daycare is preferable because babies need socialization, as if SAHPs never leave the house.

I don't think spending all my time with my kids is best for me or them. That's the part of pp's post I was addressing. No need to be defensive.

Why would you think staying at home equals spending all your time with the kids? Women have a lot of things they can do besides have a paying job or be at home with the children. Hobbies, volunteering...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not a SAHM but I can't understand why you would want to have kids and NOT be with them or have your partner be with them as much as possible? I grew up with a SAHM and coming home from school to see her was such an amazing, internal, substantive part of my life. I just can't fathom how you could have that option and reject it.

Right. There is a huge emotional aspect to this that so many people leave out of this debate. I will most likely continue to work with children, but absolutely see the benefit of my mom staying home with me. There isn't anything wrong with making your family and children your number one concern and not having a career. At the end of the day, no one does anything THAT exciting and most would leave their job if they won the lottery. If a family can make having a sahp work financially, I say more power to them! I'm so glad women have many career options now, but do see what we have lost as well. It used to be assumes a woman would not work and would stay home. Now it is assumed you'll work and have children for a man.

Exactly... and sadly enough it seems that too often, the working mothers are still doing most of the laundry, the cooking, the childcare, and the cleaning. I'm sure some will say their husbands split it equally, which is awesome. But being a WOHM often means you are shouldering even MORE of the burden and it's simply not fair to the woman. I think managing a household takes a tremendous amount of work, and some women choose to stay home to facilitate that. Not to mention the incredible emotional benefit of being with your children, for both yourself and your kids. It is a choice, but some people seem to get really angry when moms choose the SAHM route, despite the fact that it absolutely is a viable choice with very specific, pronounced benefits for the family.

Yeah really does seem like in most cases the woman gets the shit and of the deal. I absolutely refuse to continue working and so more than 50 percent of the work. He knows it.

One thing though is women do tend to take on a lot that is unnecessary. Stop planning the social life, don't buy presents, don't plan holiday meals, don't make lunches, don't announce when it is time to buy groceries, I could go on. No one will die and your husband will pick up some of the slack.

Yes, I totally agree. Maybe it's something about this area. Nowhere else have I seen women act like such absolute fools/martyrs when it comes to their marriages. They absolutely feel like they must do it all, or else it will all fall apart.

It reminds me of a very sweet friend of mine (I am 25). I lived in Dallas and when I met her she was fresh out of a dysfunctional relationship with some loser DJ hotshot guy. Really feeling damaged. She met her current husband, and they fell in love and got married. She decided to stay at home with their kid, and their relationship seems so loving and happy. She posts often about feeling overwhelmed about housework and raising their daughter and everyone on Facebook is totally supportive, as is her husband.
It makes me sad to think if she were posting on here she would be absolutely attacked as an incompetent selfish gold-digging fool, when she is in fact absolutely NONE of those things (and it truly couldnt be further from the truth). It seems like in this area there is a distinctive lack of understanding for SAHMs. Maybe it's because it's an area with such a focus on the attainment of power and people can't understand those who excuse themselves from that race for the sake of their family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not a SAHM but I can't understand why you would want to have kids and NOT be with them or have your partner be with them as much as possible? I grew up with a SAHM and coming home from school to see her was such an amazing, internal, substantive part of my life. I just can't fathom how you could have that option and reject it.

There's a happy medium. I love being with my kids, but they need outside influences as well. Teaching them to exist in a bubble helps no one. Love comes from different sources.

Well of course. I wasn't homeschooled, and I did lots of activities. But knowing my mom was home and that I could spend those extra hours every day around her meant so much to me. i look back now and am so grateful.

Me too. Only on DCUM does having a SAHM equal having no outside influences and living in a bubble. These are probably the same people who will tell you daycare is preferable because babies need socialization, as if SAHPs never leave the house.

I don't think spending all my time with my kids is best for me or them. That's the part of pp's post I was addressing. No need to be defensive.

Why would you think staying at home equals spending all your time with the kids? Women have a lot of things they can do besides have a paying job or be at home with the children. Hobbies, volunteering...

Once again I'm responding to pp who said she can't understand why you wouldn't want to spend all the time you can with your kids. That comment is what im addressing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not a SAHM but I can't understand why you would want to have kids and NOT be with them or have your partner be with them as much as possible? I grew up with a SAHM and coming home from school to see her was such an amazing, internal, substantive part of my life. I just can't fathom how you could have that option and reject it.

There's a happy medium. I love being with my kids, but they need outside influences as well. Teaching them to exist in a bubble helps no one. Love comes from different sources.

Well of course. I wasn't homeschooled, and I did lots of activities. But knowing my mom was home and that I could spend those extra hours every day around her meant so much to me. i look back now and am so grate til.

I think if most people, men or women, could come home at 3pm and be with their kids they would, once kids are school aged. For many women and families, that isn't a possibility and staying at home all day, without intellectual stimulation or financial contribution, doesn't make it worth it.

My mom was home after school and I loved it. I didn't realize until much later how lonely and un-intellectually stimulated she was during those years.

Do you know that she was lonely and lacking intellectual stimulation? I stay at home and would hate for anyone to think that about me. They would be wrong. I'm neither. Now that I'm not working I have a lot more time for friends and intellectual pursuits.

I can't even tell you how much more I would accomplish persobally and intellectually if I didn't work. My job can be mind numbing but pays over 175k with matching 401k, pension and a lot of job security. So I keep at it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dh knows and acknowledges that without me staying at home, he wouldn't have been able to excel and succeed so much in his career.

We've always packed up and moved when he had a better career opportunity, he's never had to leave work early or take a day off for a sick child or for school holidays and closures. He's never stressed about how the kids were being taken care of at home. He's knows me and he knows that I would give my life for my kids. He knows that I will do my best to provide excellent nutrition, activities, bring them up with love and manners, provide them with emotional security and always be there for their 'firsts'.

I take care of all household management related things. He never has to grocery shop, be home when there are contractors or other random house related appointments, I do all the phone calls, make all appointments. We have a house cleaner, so no one stresses about the deep cleaning, which makes both of us more happy. I take kids to all of their appointments and there are many since both have different special needs. I'm involved with their school and volunteer in our community. I'm around during the day and have a couple of elderly neighbors whom I help when they need. This makes our community stronger and he values living in an area where we are close with our neighbors.

I take care of all family activities. Sports, vacations, special outings. I plan them all, dh just has to be there to enjoy them. He also loves entertaining, I do the invites and prepare the meals.

This acknowledgement and appreciation didn't happen immediately though. There was a time several years back when I felt he didn't truly understand or appreciate what I did. We talked about it and he realized it. Sometimes guys just need for these things to be spelled out for them, it's not something they always intuitively get.



Now before any WOHM gets their panties in a bunch, I know there are WOHM that do much of this too, so it's not that only SAHM should be appreciated. My mom was a WOHM so yes I know you do a lot too. So tired of the SAHM/WOHM debates...

You sound like his assistant.

You can play it like that if that's how you see it and I don't find that offensive. I see it as being a partner. I compensate for him and he compensates for me, together we make this a family dynamic that works for all of us as a whole. That's the point of this thread- appreciating your spouse, not looking down on them like an assistant or a boss.

Other families do what works for them, I'm responding to this thread in particular and how it works in our house.

[Anonymous]

I'm a different PP, but I definitely knew my SAHM was unhappy. I remember hearing her crying in the locked bathroom during those afternoon times when she thought we were elsewhere in the house and not listening. It wasn't a magical or amazing or substantive or whatever time, it scared me and I knew (and later confirmed when we talked it over) she was deeply unhappy and intellectually frustrated. She was a great mother, but SAH wasn't good for her, and I knew that even then.

I WOH now, but I have also SAH. I honestly don't get the sort of fetishization of the after-school hours I see here on DCUM. I am sure in some families it is the prime time, but it never was for me growing up and it wasn't when I was a working parent either. My emotional prime time with my parents was late at night, just before bed, having conversations in the dark. My kids now do the same with me. They're much older now, but our late-night chats still continue, just as they did with my parents.

I don't understand the narrowness of thinking here. People don't structure their relationships and families exactly the same way, and that is okay. The afterschool time may be amazing, substantive, whatever for some families, and for some families it may mean a time where everybody is at low blood sugar or tiredness or whatever and not at their best. People make connections at times that work for them, not by some pre-set schedule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man here and killing some time at the airport due to a delayed flight, I sometimes like watching you all duke it out.

One thing I'm curious about how is it these man cannot have career success without a SAHW? I'm a pretty successful guy and am a part owner/General Manager of a mid sized business. My wife also works full time and I've still managed to bring in 7 figures most years.

Granted we make enough money together that we just get to come home from work and focus on the family and not tedious chores like laundry and running errands (we have a housekeeper) and don't have to do the dirty work of running a house, but I have plenty of successful men working for me who also have wives who work as well.

They can. It's SAHMs justifying themselves. No man HAS to work 90 hours a week. He just doesn't, unless he's incredibly inefficient. I also can't fathom a household where a man works like that and a woman doesn't offer to work too so they can both work regular hours.

I'd say it's awful cavalier to act as if you know the situation of all SAHMs and the reasons they stay at home. Some careers do naturally entail more hours.

It's wonderful if the pp has a career where he is successful and his wife also works and that works for their family. It's great if the other pp can work her working would curtail the amount of hours the dh worked, again that works for your family.

Whether I worked or not, Dh would still have his hours, at least for the next 10 years or so. Could he quit and find some other line of work, yes. But he wouldn't be as happy and him having to quit so I could go to work to take the load off wouldn't make his day. Like I said, this thread is about appreciation. He knows I've sacrificed a career and he appreciates me as a SAHM. I'm happy to know I'm appreciated and I'm happy to do my part in this relationship. He's happy, I'm happy. No problems here.

It seems as if you are the one in need of some sort of justification for your situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man here and killing some time at the airport due to a delayed flight, I sometimes like watching you all duke it out.

One thing I'm curious about how is it these man cannot have career success without a SAHW? I'm a pretty successful guy and am a part owner/General Manager of a mid sized business. My wife also works full time and I've still managed to bring in 7 figures most years.

Granted we make enough money together that we just get to come home from work and focus on the family and not tedious chores like laundry and running errands (we have a housekeeper) and don't have to do the dirty work of running a house, but I have plenty of successful men working for me who also have wives who work as well.

They can. It's SAHMs justifying themselves. No man HAS to work 90 hours a week. He just doesn't, unless he's incredibly inefficient. I also can't fathom a household where a man works like that and a woman doesn't offer to work too so they can both work regular hours.

I'd say it's awful cavalier to act as if you know the situation of all SAHMs and the reasons they stay at home. Some careers do naturally entail more hours.

It's wonderful if the pp has a career where he is successful and his wife also works and that works for their family. It's great if the other pp can work her working would curtail the amount of hours the dh worked, again that works for your family.

Whether I worked or not, Dh would still have his hours, at least for the next 10 years or so. Could he quit and find some other line of work, yes. But he wouldn't be as happy and him having to quit so I could go to work to take the load off wouldn't make his day. Like I said, this thread is about appreciation. He knows I've sacrificed a career and he appreciates me as a SAHM. I'm happy to know I'm appreciated and I'm happy to do my part in this relationship. He's happy, I'm happy. No problems here.

It seems as if you are the one in need of some sort of justification for your situation.

I would never be happy if my husband wasn't an active and equal parent. No justification here.