Indian Parenting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is European and his mother raised him that his one and only job was to study and do well. So he has the book smarts but no common sense, no sense of cleaning up after himself, and no idea how to run a household.
I thought he was more trainable but.. He's not. Furthermore, he was told he was so smart and never wrong so any time he is clearly wrong or has errored he gets incredibly defensive, accusatory and defective.

Parenting is interesting and it's imprints can last forever.

Wow... why did you marry him? I would probably argue with him a lot.

[Anonymous]

bump

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We re white upper middle class Americans whose families had less. We did chores, went to church, worked jobs in high school and studied like mad to go to college/med/law/grad school. We really value working hard, especially academically. Our kids are average (below average in their top DC private schools). They work hard in school and are assisted by tutors but just are not wired like we are. Grades in top schools are gentleman Cs, bad test scores, but fit in fine in school and social life.

My question is this. How do Asians and South Asians deal with this kind of situation? Surely not EVERY child has the ability and tenacity to do his 'job' (great test scores, grades) well.

And before you reply 'have him join the military, go to community college, become a hairdresser" remember that the children were raised as upper middle class children, with travel and all of the comforts of our class. They would not do these 'lesser' career paths and still want to work hard, become educated, etc.

It would be great if you could give your experiences.

What specifically are you asking? What to do if a child has a learning disability? Of the child is just too lazy to study? If the latter - clamp down on social life and raise the bar on academic expectations. If you're paying for tutors and DC is only getting "gentleman's Cs", there is some serious bullshit going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We re white upper middle class Americans whose families had less. We did chores, went to church, worked jobs in high school and studied like mad to go to college/med/law/grad school. We really value working hard, especially academically. Our kids are average (below average in their top DC private schools). They work hard in school and are assisted by tutors but just are not wired like we are. Grades in top schools are gentleman Cs, bad test scores, but fit in fine in school and social life.

My question is this. How do Asians and South Asians deal with this kind of situation? Surely not EVERY child has the ability and tenacity to do his 'job' (great test scores, grades) well.

And before you reply 'have him join the military, go to community college, become a hairdresser" remember that the children were raised as upper middle class children, with travel and all of the comforts of our class. They would not do these 'lesser' career paths and still want to work hard, become educated, etc.

It would be great if you could give your experiences.

What specifically are you asking? What to do if a child has a learning disability? Of the child is just too lazy to study? If the latter - clamp down on social life and raise the bar on academic expectations. If you're paying for tutors and DC is only getting "gentleman's Cs", there is some serious bullshit going on.

I would also take away privileges until grades are up. I don't know if your kids are just average intelligence or not, and if they are, I don't know how much the tutoring would help with the grades.

But, I do think that the some of the younger generation are too comfortable with their lives; they don't need to strive for anything because they have pretty much everything they want/need. You worked hard because you had to. Your kids don't work that hard because they don't have to.

I struggle with a bit of this myself with my kids. I grew up lower/middle class, too. Worked my through college and started at the bottom. We make good money now, and my kids have *way* more than I ever did growing up. At times, I'm happy that they have the things I didn't, but other times, when they seem ungrateful, it boils my blood. The one thing I have done from when they were young is set the expectations that they will try their hardest in everything they do, especially school. So far, no issues, but I can guarantee that if I see them slacking off, all privileges go away.

We have also said to them that we want them to go to college because that is the best way to get a good paying job to support yourself well. If they choose not to go, that's fine, but then they will need to learn a trade or do something to support themselves and live the lifestyle that they can afford. We are not going to support them past a certain age. We'll help pay for college and help them get on their feet a little, but that's it. At some point, they have to stand on their own two feet. I don't want a "failure to launch" situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We re white upper middle class Americans whose families had less. We did chores, went to church, worked jobs in high school and studied like mad to go to college/med/law/grad school. We really value working hard, especially academically. Our kids are average (below average in their top DC private schools). They work hard in school and are assisted by tutors but just are not wired like we are. Grades in top schools are gentleman Cs, bad test scores, but fit in fine in school and social life.

My question is this. How do Asians and South Asians deal with this kind of situation? Surely not EVERY child has the ability and tenacity to do his 'job' (great test scores, grades) well.

And before you reply 'have him join the military, go to community college, become a hairdresser" remember that the children were raised as upper middle class children, with travel and all of the comforts of our class. They would not do these 'lesser' career paths and still want to work hard, become educated, etc.

It would be great if you could give your experiences.

So just to be clear, you're upper middle class White American asking for advice from Asian Tiger parents on parenting?


DCUM take notice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another Indian here who was never allowed to take food out of the dining area. Same for every single Indian family I've ever known, however like the rest of the world, each family does thing differently. We don't all have the same experiences because we hail from the same country. Do you and all your neighbors have the exact same family rules, everyone in your community, everyone in you county, your state?

For all of you that are so curious about how this Indian grew up- I'll say that I helped out around the house a lot, cleaned, vacuumed, dusted, did dishes, started doing my own laundry by the time I was 8. But none of this was 'expected', it wasn't due to a chore chart or anything. I was a latchkey kid and I was bored so that's how I spent my time after making my own snack and watching a little TV.

My Indian husband did all the handyman type jobs around his house. He'd read a manual or ask neighbors for their experience and fix/build things.

There was no helicopter parenting, our parents worked long hours. School was important, that was a given and we always did our best.

We didn't have strict rules for bed times and could go to sleep whenever, but we had strict rules with regards to going out- no night time parties, no boyfriends. Hanging out at the mall with girl friends (during the day) and sleepovers were fine.

We took fun vacations, visited family frequently, always had people over on the weekends for dinner or lunch, and played outside a LOT.

Now it's your turn, white Americans- how were you raised? Parented?

I'm middle eastern and had the same experience. Lots of travel to visit family and socializing with family friends on the weekends rather than school friends or playdates.

Cleaning, being neat and dressing properly, getting good grades were expected. We were taught to take a lot of pride in our family, culture and history. It would be shameful to look unkept, shameful for someone to come to our house and it be a mess/filthy, shameful to not achieve in school when you were given every opportunity to succeed. Everyone around us was striving to do their best so even if you weren't the smartest kid in the group, you tried extra hard. Family friends would ask what you got on your report card, what your SAT scores were, etc. Yes, there is some pressure, but people around us expressed how important achievement and living to your full potential was and they supported that happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Considering we always had maids and chefs - isn't it amazing how much cooking and cleaning we are doing in this country.

Tell me OP, how often have your child been pampered and fed at this Indian's house and how often have you reciprocated.

Yes, we coddle our children. Our expectation is that they will be doing well at school, be emotionally supported at home, and not be forced to have sex before they are mature because they have to start dating at 8th grade!

How many Indian kids with divorced parents have you seen? Why not make generalizations about that?

+1

[Anonymous]

I'm Pakistani and yes my mom definitely coddled me and did a lot for me. I'm pretty sure her children were her reason for existence. In college I realized how liucky I was. My friends (all white) would be envious of how much my mom did for me I've would sent DELISCIOUS home cooked frozen meals for me and the roomies, and visit and really have a bond with me that they did not share with their parents. I think our parents try extra hard to preserve some of their culture and culturally their children are really truly the reason for their existence. I don't recall ever being burdened by having a over zealous extra curricular schedule. But I was bright naturally and played sports on my own accord. I always fit in at school. Today as a 34 yr old mom of 2, I find most of those friends barely talk to their parents. Which is sad. I find them cold and selfish and have very little positive to say about their parents. On the other hand my Pakistani friends and myself are very close to our parents. I think it's bc of how much they have done for us, that we can't just walk away like "Americans" can.

By the way, I have a professional education can do my own laundry, am an excellent cook, and consider myself very well rounded. I'm married with kids and doing just fine. I don't think your dds friend will damage your dd. In fact there are things your dd can learn from her, and I'm sure there are things her friend will learn from your dd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another Indian here who was never allowed to take food out of the dining area. Same for every single Indian family I've ever known, however like the rest of the world, each family does thing differently. We don't all have the same experiences because we hail from the same country. Do you and all your neighbors have the exact same family rules, everyone in your community, everyone in you county, your state?

For all of you that are so curious about how this Indian grew up- I'll say that I helped out around the house a lot, cleaned, vacuumed, dusted, did dishes, started doing my own laundry by the time I was 8. But none of this was 'expected', it wasn't due to a chore chart or anything. I was a latchkey kid and I was bored so that's how I spent my time after making my own snack and watching a little TV.

My Indian husband did all the handyman type jobs around his house. He'd read a manual or ask neighbors for their experience and fix/build things.

There was no helicopter parenting, our parents worked long hours. School was important, that was a given and we always did our best.

We didn't have strict rules for bed times and could go to sleep whenever, but we had strict rules with regards to going out- no night time parties, no boyfriends. Hanging out at the mall with girl friends (during the day) and sleepovers were fine.

We took fun vacations, visited family frequently, always had people over on the weekends for dinner or lunch, and played outside a LOT.

Now it's your turn, white Americans- how were you raised? Parented?

This is pretty close to my experience. Though I did go to parties/out with boys (sometimes without my parents knowing, sometimes with...though the latter only if they knew an adult would be around). If we're going to generalize experiences, I wonder if there is a difference between Upper Middle Class families with a WOHM and not. There was no way I could get away with having studying be my only "job". There were dishes, laundry, and general tidying up to do. Not to mention fixing my own snacks etc as a latchkey kid after school. I think my Indian friends with SAHMs were a bit more coddled than me, but not neary as dysfunctional as some of the childhoods that have been described here.

And seriously with the eating in your room...what's that all about? I don't even get why that's something you would want to do, but whatever. DH and I often eat in front of the TV (or did pre-baby when dinner wasn't the only time we could talk to each other), and my mom thought it was the most horrific thing ever.

[Anonymous]

bump

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:bump

Why are you bumping this thread?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I'm middle eastern and had the same experience. Lots of travel to visit family and socializing with family friends on the weekends rather than school friends or playdates.

Cleaning, being neat and dressing properly, getting good grades were expected. We were taught to take a lot of pride in our family, culture and history. It would be shameful to look unkept, shameful for someone to come to our house and it be a mess/filthy, shameful to not achieve in school when you were given every opportunity to succeed. Everyone around us was striving to do their best so even if you weren't the smartest kid in the group, you tried extra hard. Family friends would ask what you got on your report card, what your SAT scores were, etc. Yes, there is some pressure, but people around us expressed how important achievement and living to your full potential was and they supported that happening.

May I ask what part of the Middle East you're from? I'm an Eastern European married to a Gulf Arab and from what I can see around his friends' families, there is just not a culture of high academic achievement the way it has been hammered into us. There is definitely a high emphasis on family ties, relatives, culture, history, customs, being good boys and girls etc. but not especially on academics, and certainly not on extracurriculars. Am I just with the wrong Arab for that sort of thing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are all you Indians who were allowed to eat in their rooms? I'm Indian and I can't think of any Indian child I was friends with (or related to) growing up who was allowed to take food anywhere in the home but the kitchen or dinning table. My parents were always very concerned about crumbs, and messes, and bugs, not to mention that they insisted we had all meals at home as a family.

Even now that it's just the two of them at home, my parents will literally NEVER eat in front of the TV - even if it means pausing a show or movie they are in the middle of watching to sit at the table for 20 minutes to have a meal.

Yeah, we weren't even allowed to eat in front of the TV!

I am Indian. I did lots of chores, inside and out. I was scrubbing toilets and floors by the fourth grade, if not earlier.

Maybe my friends' parents said, "my daughter's friend, she is in eighth grade, and she built the fence around her parents' house. Why are Indians so obsessed with woodworking?"

Haha!! OP, this basically describes my Indian-American childhood too. Except I never built a fence. I did, however, help finish the basement. Maybe the neighbors were like "why is this Indian family obsessed with DIY?". It's because my dad didn't want to hire someone out to do it when he could do it himself, that's why.

Was your house also filled with slightly (or severely) imperfect DIY projects that were deemed "good enough" - functional but slightly off? Like slightly crooked tiles, grout that didn't match the bathtub, etc? My dad still grumbles when we hire someone to do something. "WHy are you wasting money? Who cares how your backsplash looks? It's there to get dirty."

My parents once hired someone to help redo the kitchen, my dad worked alongside him, finishing the cabinets himself, installing floors, etc. Ugh, Indian people, right?

See, OP, this shows you the difference between the many Indian families out there. My family was NOT like this at all. My dad is an engineer and a perfectionist - all of our DIY projects were probably on par with professional projects. Very unlike what PP describes above.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are all you Indians who were allowed to eat in their rooms? I'm Indian and I can't think of any Indian child I was friends with (or related to) growing up who was allowed to take food anywhere in the home but the kitchen or dinning table. My parents were always very concerned about crumbs, and messes, and bugs, not to mention that they insisted we had all meals at home as a family.

Even now that it's just the two of them at home, my parents will literally NEVER eat in front of the TV - even if it means pausing a show or movie they are in the middle of watching to sit at the table for 20 minutes to have a meal.

Yeah, we weren't even allowed to eat in front of the TV!

I am Indian. I did lots of chores, inside and out. I was scrubbing toilets and floors by the fourth grade, if not earlier.

Maybe my friends' parents said, "my daughter's friend, she is in eighth grade, and she built the fence around her parents' house. Why are Indians so obsessed with woodworking?"

Haha!! OP, this basically describes my Indian-American childhood too. Except I never built a fence. I did, however, help finish the basement. Maybe the neighbors were like "why is this Indian family obsessed with DIY?". It's because my dad didn't want to hire someone out to do it when he could do it himself, that's why.

Was your house also filled with slightly (or severely) imperfect DIY projects that were deemed "good enough" - functional but slightly off? Like slightly crooked tiles, grout that didn't match the bathtub, etc? My dad still grumbles when we hire someone to do something. "WHy are you wasting money? Who cares how your backsplash looks? It's there to get dirty."

My parents once hired someone to help redo the kitchen, my dad worked alongside him, finishing the cabinets himself, installing floors, etc. Ugh, Indian people, right?

See, OP, this shows you the difference between the many Indian families out there. My family was NOT like this at all. My dad is an engineer and a perfectionist - all of our DIY projects were probably on par with professional projects. Very unlike what PP describes above.

I should mention that I am the bolded PP above.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:bump

Why are you bumping this thread?

Because it's the OP who likes stirring up trouble.