Indian Parenting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm always a little taken aback by how involved and rulesy Indian parents are. DD's friend from school is Indian and I know the mother quite well. She tiger parents AND coddles to a weird extent. The Indian girl's life is regimented and run on rules and a schedule and no freedom to do anything on her own. She's up at 5 AM every day to study and then she has to go to Indian classical dance lessons and tennis and she has no choice but to go to medical school. DD says she's not even allowed to date (the girls are in the 8th grade). And when DD visited their home for a sleepover, she found that the kids there don't even do chores, and if they want they're allowed to eat in their rooms. Household tasks are "beneath" them.

They're a nice family and DD seems to like her friend (although I don't want her to get any ideas about being pampered at home and not being made to do her own laundry), but I really feel like Indians are raising handicapped kids who aren't self-reliant, can't think for themselves, and are too tied to their parents' apron strings.

I'm going to flame away because she just painted all Indians with one brush! JFC!

Oh, give it a rest.

I'm one of the PPs who posted that I was simultaneously coddled and tiger parented. There ARE some generalizations about how different cultures parent.

You and the other PPs implying the OP is racist need to back off. I responded with an honest response because I don't really think the OP is racist. She's just asking. Sure, maybe she's judging, but there are tons of people judging on this board. And, maybe understanding more why things are the way they are for her DD's friend's family might help her understand the kid a little better. If OP really was 'racist' (whatever that means), she probably wouldn't be letting her DD go over to this friend's house. Sounds like she's looking for some explanations as to the Indian parents' reasoning for their parenting.

I'm sorry but if OP had a question, I seem to have missed it? All I can see is a laundry list of judgment summed up in a sentence or two at the end. The facts she's presented may be true, but the judgment in the way she has presented them and the disdain for the way other families/cultures parent is what makes her statements racist and offensive. Everyone has rules, OP. Just because your DD"s friend's parents rules are different, doesn't make them wrong or bad. But judging them the way you are and drawing broad sweeping generalizations about a culture based on one family is offensive. (Handicapped kids who aren't self-reliant? Really?) Focus on the way you are raising your own child and stop worrying so much about what everyone else does.

Wow, so you don't ever judge other people's parenting choices? I call BS. We all do it.

Sounds a little like the OP is trying to figure out what the dynamics are at the other girls' house to understand why they do things they way they do.

Commenting on another culture's parenting is not racist and offensive. Or do you think that all cultures parent the same way? There are generalizations that can be made that are often true.

If OP was on here saying that she didn't want her kid playing with the Indian kid because her skin was too dark, then I'd agree that it's offensive and racist. Whatever her motives for asking, she's still not mentioning that she has any issues with the friendship. IMO, it's a bit rude on your part to cry RACIST!!!! just based on her original post.

PP, I agree that we all judge other parenting choices, but I find I do it quietly to myself - or sometimes, snarkily with some friends. I don't typically draw broad sweeping generalizations about an entire culture based on one family, no. If OP was asking about the dynamics about the other girl's house, I think the way to do that might have been to include a question or two in her post - "I've noticed DD's Indian friend's parents wake her up at 5 AM to study and go to all kinds of classes. Is that typical of Indian families? Does anyone know why?" Saying: Indians are raising handicapped kids who aren't self-reliant, can't think for themselves, and are too tied to their parents' apron strings is not a question. It's a rude (inaccurate) judgment.

I agree that sometimes with parenting there are generalizations to be made among cultures, and that's not a bad thing. Most of the Indians responding to this thread, for example, have agreed that Indian parents tend to place a high value on education. My parents sure did and I'll be eternally grateful to them for it. But there are cultural observations and questions, and then there are judgments. We'll have to agree to disagree about which category OP's post falls into.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm always a little taken aback by how involved and rulesy Indian parents are. DD's friend from school is Indian and I know the mother quite well. She tiger parents AND coddles to a weird extent. The Indian girl's life is regimented and run on rules and a schedule and no freedom to do anything on her own. She's up at 5 AM every day to study and then she has to go to Indian classical dance lessons and tennis and she has no choice but to go to medical school. DD says she's not even allowed to date (the girls are in the 8th grade). And when DD visited their home for a sleepover, she found that the kids there don't even do chores, and if they want they're allowed to eat in their rooms. Household tasks are "beneath" them.

They're a nice family and DD seems to like her friend (although I don't want her to get any ideas about being pampered at home and not being made to do her own laundry), but I really feel like Indians are raising handicapped kids who aren't self-reliant, can't think for themselves, and are too tied to their parents' apron strings.

I'm going to flame away because she just painted all Indians with one brush! JFC!

Oh, give it a rest.

I'm one of the PPs who posted that I was simultaneously coddled and tiger parented. There ARE some generalizations about how different cultures parent.

You and the other PPs implying the OP is racist need to back off. I responded with an honest response because I don't really think the OP is racist. She's just asking. Sure, maybe she's judging, but there are tons of people judging on this board. And, maybe understanding more why things are the way they are for her DD's friend's family might help her understand the kid a little better. If OP really was 'racist' (whatever that means), she probably wouldn't be letting her DD go over to this friend's house. Sounds like she's looking for some explanations as to the Indian parents' reasoning for their parenting.

I'm sorry but if OP had a question, I seem to have missed it? All I can see is a laundry list of judgment summed up in a sentence or two at the end. The facts she's presented may be true, but the judgment in the way she has presented them and the disdain for the way other families/cultures parent is what makes her statements racist and offensive. Everyone has rules, OP. Just because your DD"s friend's parents rules are different, doesn't make them wrong or bad. But judging them the way you are and drawing broad sweeping generalizations about a culture based on one family is offensive. (Handicapped kids who aren't self-reliant? Really?) Focus on the way you are raising your own child and stop worrying so much about what everyone else does.

Wow, so you don't ever judge other people's parenting choices? I call BS. We all do it.

Sounds a little like the OP is trying to figure out what the dynamics are at the other girls' house to understand why they do things they way they do.

Commenting on another culture's parenting is not racist and offensive. Or do you think that all cultures parent the same way? There are generalizations that can be made that are often true.

If OP was on here saying that she didn't want her kid playing with the Indian kid because her skin was too dark, then I'd agree that it's offensive and racist. Whatever her motives for asking, she's still not mentioning that she has any issues with the friendship. IMO, it's a bit rude on your part to cry RACIST!!!! just based on her original post.

Actually, she did say about her DD: "I don't want her to get any ideas about being pampered at home and not being made to do her own laundry" so you can't say she has NO issues with the friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So your daughter knows an Indian girl and you've made a generalization about all Indian parenting. I hope you are a troll. Because otherwise you're the sort insular, annoying, myopic, stupid, unthinking judgemental cow who (sadly) makes people around the world despise Americans.

The sanctimonious "but my way should be adopted by everyone" is so utterly offensive it is quite extraordinary.

I wonder how many Indian families would write home to say "my kid goes to a school which is full of bratty, entitled, trash talking, fat, lazy, pampered, arrogant, smug, materialistic kids with horrible racist and judgemental parents."

I don't think any would. Because they don't come from a country that tries to inflict its social paradigms on the rest of the world.

This only shows how naive you are... because a lot of immigrant Asian parents do judge American parents. And please, we are all judgemental to some degree or another. DCUM is the judgement capitol of the world.

[Anonymous]

Indian parent here and I did not view OP's comment as racist but less than artfully presented given that it was based on limited exposure to Indian parenting.

I rarely let my kids eat in their room; they had to eat at the dining table or sometimes while watching TV. They did perform chores but unlike some American parents we never paid them for performing chores. I felt that being part of the family everyone just helps out. They did get an allowance but it had nothing to do with performing chores.

Yes, they were very focused on their studies and that was something that we emphasized. We did monitor who they socialized with when they were young because we did feel the peer group they moved with had an impact on their attitudes. But obviously we could not do much when it came to who they socialized with at school.

There was some coddling but nothing over the top.

We were considered to be strict parents but quite liberal in our overall attitudes; there were other Indian parents who were much more strict and others who were very lenient. I do have to say that the children of the parents who we thought were quite lenient in their expectations and disciplining were less than successful in the conventional sense of the word - obviously this is based on our interaction with a limited number of parents.

We did emphasize respect to elders and also insisted on basic courtesies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Judgmental much, OP? Maybe you should focus less on other people's parenting styles and worry more about making sure your DD doesn't turn out like her mother.

I'm gonna guess that you think marrying a girl off at 13 or 14 is horrible as some cultures do, including some Indians (although it is technically against the law). If you do think that, that's called passing judgement because in whatever culture or subculture they come from, it's normal. So if you have some negative opinions of the way some cultures do things, it's called being judgemental. And guess what.. we all do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm Indian and loved my childhood. I was tiger parented and coddled.

If I was studying in my room for a tough exam, my maid came up with my breakfast tray, lunch tray, tea & snacks tray, and then maybe I would go downstairs and relax with the family during dinner. My clothes were laundered/dry cleaned, perfectly ironed and brought up to my room in folded stacks, and then I'd put them away in my cupboard. I was loved, supported, and petted, and never disrespected my parents.

When I was stressed out during exam periods, there was a sense that the whole community supported you. Other kids were going through the same thing. There would be pujas (prayers) to the goddess of education and knowledge, and my grandparents, neighbors, school counselor, teachers, and other family friends would wish me good luck and understand my anxiety.

I'm grateful for my tiger parenting as well. I was slightly lazy, undisciplined and irresponsible in elementary school, and my parents kicked my ass into shape - but always with love. I was forced to get my act together and it paid off for me BIG TIME.

Sorry you think allowing a kid to eat in her room or instilling a love of learning and achieving in her is "weird" OP. I call that a blessing.

I don't call this a normal childhood

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had parents like that. You're right that Indian parents do this strange thing where the kids are super coddled, but also tiger parented.

I hated it for the most part, and grew up wanting to be independent and do things for myself.

In India, EVERYONE has a cook/maid, so the middle class kids don't have to learn how to cook/clean. And, education is mandatory. As long as the kid is doing well in school (even if he's cheating), nothing more is expected.

Obviously not all Indian parents are like this, but there is some truth to it. Flame away other Indians on this board.

Are you a troll? This does not represent the upper middle class experience of my cousins in India. They do have in-home help, but not everyone does (like, for example, the people who provide the help who generally also have their own families). Cheating would definitely not fly in my family. And since most of my cousins ultimately lived in a dorm at some point, they did need to learn to cook/clean. I know that you qualified your statements by saying not everyone is like this...but there are a lot of Indians in and out of India, and many more of them are unable to afford cooks/maids than are.

WTF are you talking about?

NP here: yes, every UPPER MIDDLE CLASS family has hired help in India. If you have upper-middle-class cousins in India who don't have help in the house, then either your cousins are in deep financial shit that you don't know about or else they're just lying about something. That is weird.

yes they had help, but no cheating was not/is not okay. And my cousins did learn how to clean/cook. I think that's pretty clear from my previous post.

[Anonymous]

To the people that are Indian are reading this post. Please do not think that everyone thinks like the OP. I am white and here's what I like about ALL of the people that are of Indian dissent that I know. They are polite, they are educated, they are friendly, they are quiet, they are great to have as neighbors. I am not sure how they raise their kids. I know a lot of white parents that don't make their kids do shit for chores, homework or anything else.

OP if I had money for live in help, then no I don't think my kids would be doing as many chores as they do now.

[Anonymous]

I'm indian-american - what's this allowed to eat in your room thing?

whaat?

how did i miss out on this? We were NEVER allowed to eat in our rooms - in fact the only place we were allowed to eat is in the kitchen, dining room, or breakfast nook because my mom was a stickler for neatness.

As for chores - that's true, we didn't have to do any of that. Though now I go back and help them out with handiwork around the house like installing stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who are all you Indians who were allowed to eat in their rooms? I'm Indian and I can't think of any Indian child I was friends with (or related to) growing up who was allowed to take food anywhere in the home but the kitchen or dinning table. My parents were always very concerned about crumbs, and messes, and bugs, not to mention that they insisted we had all meals at home as a family.

Even now that it's just the two of them at home, my parents will literally NEVER eat in front of the TV - even if it means pausing a show or movie they are in the middle of watching to sit at the table for 20 minutes to have a meal.

+1. Indian American here -- same for us. You would NEVER eat in your room; maybe it's different if you grew up in India and have maids cleaning up after you?? Though even my upper middle class cousins in India do not eat all of the house -- it's a hot/humid climate, bugs everywhere. In my parents' home I can only remember eating in my room 1-2 times in the decades I lived there -- times when I was really sick and in bed. Even now, I wouldn't bring food upstairs in their home -- maybe a cup of tea at most but even that feels odd.

[Anonymous]

OP given all the various views you're seeing from the Indians on this thread -- based on whether we are 1st or 2nd gen, how we were raised etc -- I think you're probably getting the point that there are all types of Indian parenting and there isn't commonality across the board.

One thing that I do think remains in common across Indian families wherever they may be/however they were raised -- they consider school to be a "kid's job" esp in higher grades like high school. That means there is some coddling in that Indian kids tend not to do formal/weekly chores because it is better that they be studying. Reality is -- no kid studies 24 hrs a day and unloading the dishwasher a few times a week won't make them get bad grades, but that's just what many Indians believe -- all laundry, food needs are taken care of so a kid only has to worry about school.

[Anonymous]

NP here. OP, I have seen the same, so it is NOT just you. In fact, I would say that you wisely noticed and observed, and stated your observations rather succinctly.

I can not believe how people get up in arms on this board, or in this area, as if you have never left your own back yard, when someone points out cultural differences. It strikes me as the most ignorant of anything I have seen in my decades. I thought people here were supposed to be smart and well traveled? What a joke!


Some PP's act as if OP stated that all Middle Eastern Indians MUST be terrorists! Really?

You can pretend "everyone is alike" or whatever PC phrase you wish to use; but it is a flat out lie, and you completely lose credibility by pushing that agenda.

OP, of course not everyone is alike, as we are not meant to be alike; and who would want everyone to be alike? Being educated and well traveled, I, as well as my friends, choose to NOT try to pretend we are all alike, to our mutual benefit.

PP's who insist that people pretend otherwise are rather naive and sheltered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

NP here. OP, I have seen the same, so it is NOT just you. In fact, I would say that you wisely noticed and observed, and stated your observations rather succinctly.

I can not believe how people get up in arms on this board, or in this area, as if you have never left your own back yard, when someone points out cultural differences. It strikes me as the most ignorant of anything I have seen in my decades. I thought people here were supposed to be smart and well traveled? What a joke!


Some PP's act as if OP stated that all Middle Eastern Indians MUST be terrorists! Really?

You can pretend "everyone is alike" or whatever PC phrase you wish to use; but it is a flat out lie, and you completely lose credibility by pushing that agenda.

OP, of course not everyone is alike, as we are not meant to be alike; and who would want everyone to be alike? Being educated and well traveled, I, as well as my friends, choose to NOT try to pretend we are all alike, to our mutual benefit.

PP's who insist that people pretend otherwise are rather naive and sheltered.

Maybe it's just me, but I can't tell if you are rallying against the posters who are stating that OP is judgmental or racist, or the people that are saying it's fine for OP to have asked the question.

[Anonymous]

Considering we always had maids and chefs - isn't it amazing how much cooking and cleaning we are doing in this country.

Tell me OP, how often have your child been pampered and fed at this Indian's house and how often have you reciprocated.

Yes, we coddle our children. Our expectation is that they will be doing well at school, be emotionally supported at home, and not be forced to have sex before they are mature because they have to start dating at 8th grade!

How many Indian kids with divorced parents have you seen? Why not make generalizations about that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP given all the various views you're seeing from the Indians on this thread -- based on whether we are 1st or 2nd gen, how we were raised etc -- I think you're probably getting the point that there are all types of Indian parenting and there isn't commonality across the board.

One thing that I do think remains in common across Indian families wherever they may be/however they were raised -- they consider school to be a "kid's job" esp in higher grades like high school. That means there is some coddling in that Indian kids tend not to do formal/weekly chores because it is better that they be studying. Reality is -- no kid studies 24 hrs a day and unloading the dishwasher a few times a week won't make them get bad grades, but that's just what many Indians believe -- all laundry, food needs are taken care of so a kid only has to worry about school.

First generation Indian American here. This is not my experience. In fact, I have memories of my dad specifically telling me that I couldn't go do my homework until I loaded the dishwasher. This isn't to say education wasn't highly prized in my family, it was, just that my parents had an equal expectation of us being contributing members of the household. Taht said, our "chores" weren't formal in the sense that they weren't called chores. Just like I don't consider it a "chore" to do the dishes as an adult, just something that comes along with living in a house with a kitchen, being expected to take on responsibilities in my parents home was also not a chore, just something necessary to make life happen.