Indian Parenting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who are all you Indians who were allowed to eat in their rooms? I'm Indian and I can't think of any Indian child I was friends with (or related to) growing up who was allowed to take food anywhere in the home but the kitchen or dinning table. My parents were always very concerned about crumbs, and messes, and bugs, not to mention that they insisted we had all meals at home as a family.

Even now that it's just the two of them at home, my parents will literally NEVER eat in front of the TV - even if it means pausing a show or movie they are in the middle of watching to sit at the table for 20 minutes to have a meal.

I was and everyone I know was allowed to.

There are lots of parenting styles and differences in India - just like there are here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, every single Indian family is exactly the same. Just like every single white parent from Maryland is exactly the same. It's a wonder that Indian children even function.

Ha! +1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know a lot about Indian parenting, but I know a fair number of Indians, and they certainly seem successful and able to care for themselves.

+1000
OP you worry abt the future of these kids, but my Indian American friends are extremely well-adjusted and successful. Don't you know Indian American adults?

I think it depends on whether the Indians are recent immigrants or not... or educated here. Really, any recent immigrant will hold onto their home country's parenting style. Mine did for years and years. They finally learned to relax a bit after a decade. I'm not Indian, but a lot of it applies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are all you Indians who were allowed to eat in their rooms? I'm Indian and I can't think of any Indian child I was friends with (or related to) growing up who was allowed to take food anywhere in the home but the kitchen or dinning table. My parents were always very concerned about crumbs, and messes, and bugs, not to mention that they insisted we had all meals at home as a family.

Even now that it's just the two of them at home, my parents will literally NEVER eat in front of the TV - even if it means pausing a show or movie they are in the middle of watching to sit at the table for 20 minutes to have a meal.

I was and everyone I know was allowed to.

There are lots of parenting styles and differences in India - just like there are here.

I'm the PP you are responding to and I agree with this. That was actually sort of, inarticulately, my point too ...

[Anonymous]

I feel my Indian upbringing taught me a lot about family values, respect, and sacrifice. My parents selflessly sacrificed everything - their money their time, their effort - to the point where they gave up their own pleasures so that they could afford to give their children the best of everything. It almost brings tears to my eyes to think of how much they loved us, nurtured us, and gave us everything they had.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have no clue what's the "norm" or not. But my son's best friend is Indian, and I see no traces of Tiger parenting going on in that house. The boy is loved. He still sleeps with his parents. He isn't enrolled in a million activities. They read to him. No Kumon. Other than the cosleeping at an elementary school age, their house is pretty similar to ours.

Are the parents first generation or second generation Indian.

I'm the Indian PP whose parents are appalled by my CIO/not feeding the kids, etc. Obviously we're not raising our kids the same way our parents raised us. So, if your son's best friend is 3rd generation (parents are 2nd generation), it's totally different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband's mom fed him dinner sometimes until he was TEN. Yes, you read that right!!! Ten years, not ten months. When I found that out I almost broke up with him. Now he's a fully-functioning partner at a large firm. He feeds himself.

What is his ethnicity? I can't imagine a white person doing this.

Sorry, for some reason I thought I had out that he is Indian. He came to the US in his 20s. I grew up in a very hands-off household (never went to the doctor, etc.), and it's interesting how different our mindsets can be now that we are parents. But we also complement each other's styles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I'm an Indian PP and my parents are (for the most part) APPALLED by my parenting.
How it's horrible that I let the kids CIO. How I should still be hand-feeding my 2 year old. How I shouldn't be so strict. How my K DD should be learning her times tables. How we're not religious enough.

They love my kids, but feel that my parenting style is way too "American". And, trust me, there is plenty of criticism of 'western' parenting techniques in their social circle.

I'm the PP. I'm Korean. And my parents were also appalled that I let my kids CIO and not picked them up at every wimper. But then, my mom was AMAZED how they could sleep on their own as toddlers. She said it was genius. But she also thinks its mean to make them go to bed at 8pm for a 6yr old... I should let them stay up longer to play. Same about hand-feeding. Also, appalled I let my 1 yr olds try to feed themselves with a spoon.

Man, parenting styles are truly so different. Yet, we all survived.



I'm the PP. That's funny!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm Indian and loved my childhood. I was tiger parented and coddled.

If I was studying in my room for a tough exam, my maid came up with my breakfast tray, lunch tray, tea & snacks tray, and then maybe I would go downstairs and relax with the family during dinner. My clothes were laundered/dry cleaned, perfectly ironed and brought up to my room in folded stacks, and then I'd put them away in my cupboard. I was loved, supported, and petted, and never disrespected my parents.

When I was stressed out during exam periods, there was a sense that the whole community supported you. Other kids were going through the same thing. There would be pujas (prayers) to the goddess of education and knowledge, and my grandparents, neighbors, school counselor, teachers, and other family friends would wish me good luck and understand my anxiety.

I'm grateful for my tiger parenting as well. I was slightly lazy, undisciplined and irresponsible in elementary school, and my parents kicked my ass into shape - but always with love. I was forced to get my act together and it paid off for me BIG TIME.

Sorry you think allowing a kid to eat in her room or instilling a love of learning and achieving in her is "weird" OP. I call that a blessing.

Ugh, my DH (East Asian) was raised like this, and he was a HUGE pain in the ass for much of our early marriage. The attitude that everything will be done for you except a very specific set of tasks is hard to overcome. Luckily, it's not impossible to overcome and he's a good contributor to our family now. But damn, teaching him how to mow the lawn, buy groceries, do laundry, load a dishwasher, etc as an adult was hard (and he's still not as good at it as most American men). It would be my main reservation against recommending Americans marry interculturally with people raised like that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm always a little taken aback by how involved and rulesy Indian parents are. DD's friend from school is Indian and I know the mother quite well. She tiger parents AND coddles to a weird extent. The Indian girl's life is regimented and run on rules and a schedule and no freedom to do anything on her own. She's up at 5 AM every day to study and then she has to go to Indian classical dance lessons and tennis and she has no choice but to go to medical school. DD says she's not even allowed to date (the girls are in the 8th grade). And when DD visited their home for a sleepover, she found that the kids there don't even do chores, and if they want they're allowed to eat in their rooms. Household tasks are "beneath" them.

They're a nice family and DD seems to like her friend (although I don't want her to get any ideas about being pampered at home and not being made to do her own laundry), but I really feel like Indians are raising handicapped kids who aren't self-reliant, can't think for themselves, and are too tied to their parents' apron strings.

I'm going to flame away because she just painted all Indians with one brush! JFC!

Oh, give it a rest.

I'm one of the PPs who posted that I was simultaneously coddled and tiger parented. There ARE some generalizations about how different cultures parent.

You and the other PPs implying the OP is racist need to back off. I responded with an honest response because I don't really think the OP is racist. She's just asking. Sure, maybe she's judging, but there are tons of people judging on this board. And, maybe understanding more why things are the way they are for her DD's friend's family might help her understand the kid a little better. If OP really was 'racist' (whatever that means), she probably wouldn't be letting her DD go over to this friend's house. Sounds like she's looking for some explanations as to the Indian parents' reasoning for their parenting.

I'm sorry but if OP had a question, I seem to have missed it? All I can see is a laundry list of judgment summed up in a sentence or two at the end. The facts she's presented may be true, but the judgment in the way she has presented them and the disdain for the way other families/cultures parent is what makes her statements racist and offensive. Everyone has rules, OP. Just because your DD"s friend's parents rules are different, doesn't make them wrong or bad. But judging them the way you are and drawing broad sweeping generalizations about a culture based on one family is offensive. (Handicapped kids who aren't self-reliant? Really?) Focus on the way you are raising your own child and stop worrying so much about what everyone else does.

Yes! Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have no clue what's the "norm" or not. But my son's best friend is Indian, and I see no traces of Tiger parenting going on in that house. The boy is loved. He still sleeps with his parents. He isn't enrolled in a million activities. They read to him. No Kumon. Other than the cosleeping at an elementary school age, their house is pretty similar to ours.

Are the parents first generation or second generation Indian.

I'm the Indian PP whose parents are appalled by my CIO/not feeding the kids, etc. Obviously we're not raising our kids the same way our parents raised us. So, if your son's best friend is 3rd generation (parents are 2nd generation), it's totally different.

Immigrants

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm always a little taken aback by how involved and rulesy Indian parents are. DD's friend from school is Indian and I know the mother quite well. She tiger parents AND coddles to a weird extent. The Indian girl's life is regimented and run on rules and a schedule and no freedom to do anything on her own. She's up at 5 AM every day to study and then she has to go to Indian classical dance lessons and tennis and she has no choice but to go to medical school. DD says she's not even allowed to date (the girls are in the 8th grade). And when DD visited their home for a sleepover, she found that the kids there don't even do chores, and if they want they're allowed to eat in their rooms. Household tasks are "beneath" them.

They're a nice family and DD seems to like her friend (although I don't want her to get any ideas about being pampered at home and not being made to do her own laundry), but I really feel like Indians are raising handicapped kids who aren't self-reliant, can't think for themselves, and are too tied to their parents' apron strings.

I'm going to flame away because she just painted all Indians with one brush! JFC!

Oh, give it a rest.

I'm one of the PPs who posted that I was simultaneously coddled and tiger parented. There ARE some generalizations about how different cultures parent.

You and the other PPs implying the OP is racist need to back off. I responded with an honest response because I don't really think the OP is racist. She's just asking. Sure, maybe she's judging, but there are tons of people judging on this board. And, maybe understanding more why things are the way they are for her DD's friend's family might help her understand the kid a little better. If OP really was 'racist' (whatever that means), she probably wouldn't be letting her DD go over to this friend's house. Sounds like she's looking for some explanations as to the Indian parents' reasoning for their parenting.

I'm sorry but if OP had a question, I seem to have missed it? All I can see is a laundry list of judgment summed up in a sentence or two at the end. The facts she's presented may be true, but the judgment in the way she has presented them and the disdain for the way other families/cultures parent is what makes her statements racist and offensive. Everyone has rules, OP. Just because your DD"s friend's parents rules are different, doesn't make them wrong or bad. But judging them the way you are and drawing broad sweeping generalizations about a culture based on one family is offensive. (Handicapped kids who aren't self-reliant? Really?) Focus on the way you are raising your own child and stop worrying so much about what everyone else does.

Wow, so you don't ever judge other people's parenting choices? I call BS. We all do it.

Sounds a little like the OP is trying to figure out what the dynamics are at the other girls' house to understand why they do things they way they do.

Commenting on another culture's parenting is not racist and offensive. Or do you think that all cultures parent the same way? There are generalizations that can be made that are often true.

If OP was on here saying that she didn't want her kid playing with the Indian kid because her skin was too dark, then I'd agree that it's offensive and racist. Whatever her motives for asking, she's still not mentioning that she has any issues with the friendship. IMO, it's a bit rude on your part to cry RACIST!!!! just based on her original post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Judgmental much, OP? Maybe you should focus less on other people's parenting styles and worry more about making sure your DD doesn't turn out like her mother.

You people are way too sensitive. There are cultural differences in parenting styles, and OP has noticed them. I find a lot of Americans are ignorant of other people's culture. It's ok to ask about it without being judgemental. There is a stereotypical American parenting style, too.

This PC crap is going overboard. I'm Asian, and when I read on this forum about Asian tiger parenting styles it doesn't bother me because it does apply to a lot of Asian parents. I also know that not all Asian parents are like this. So, as long as people don't assume *ALL* people are like the stereotype, I don't think it's racist. Most people from a certain culture will fit a certain stereotype because they all come from the same culture, they have similar parenting styles, etc.. For example, I assume most American parents want their kids to be independent so their parenting style reflects this. As you've read, to Asians, this is not important and they don't stress this. By this assumption, I've now stereotyped most American parents as being too liberal. Does that make me racist? We only seem to call it stereotyping if the behavior is negative by our standards. We don't seem to get all wound up about it if the stereotyping is positive.

Part of stereotyping is defining what a culture is like... ie, Asians value education. Americans value independence. Aren't these all stereotypes?

The racism comes in only if you think you or your culture is better than someone else's simply because of your skin color.

[Anonymous]

THeyre not all like that. I had a roommate who was first generation American. Her parents had an arranged marriage in India. She became a lawyer for a non profit. She didn't cook much but absolutely cleaned up after herself and knew how to do her own laundry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Judgmental much, OP? Maybe you should focus less on other people's parenting styles and worry more about making sure your DD doesn't turn out like her mother.

You people are way too sensitive. There are cultural differences in parenting styles, and OP has noticed them. I find a lot of Americans are ignorant of other people's culture. It's ok to ask about it without being judgemental. There is a stereotypical American parenting style, too.

This PC crap is going overboard. I'm Asian, and when I read on this forum about Asian tiger parenting styles it doesn't bother me because it does apply to a lot of Asian parents. I also know that not all Asian parents are like this. So, as long as people don't assume *ALL* people are like the stereotype, I don't think it's racist. Most people from a certain culture will fit a certain stereotype because they all come from the same culture, they have similar parenting styles, etc.. For example, I assume most American parents want their kids to be independent so their parenting style reflects this. As you've read, to Asians, this is not important and they don't stress this. By this assumption, I've now stereotyped most American parents as being too liberal. Does that make me racist? We only seem to call it stereotyping if the behavior is negative by our standards. We don't seem to get all wound up about it if the stereotyping is positive.

Part of stereotyping is defining what a culture is like... ie, Asians value education. Americans value independence. Aren't these all stereotypes?

The racism comes in only if you think you or your culture is better than someone else's simply because of your skin color.

OP titled her post "Indian Parenting." Her title suggests she thinks ALL Indians fit into her stereotype ...