Indian Parenting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had parents like that. You're right that Indian parents do this strange thing where the kids are super coddled, but also tiger parented.

I hated it for the most part, and grew up wanting to be independent and do things for myself.

In India, EVERYONE has a cook/maid, so the middle class kids don't have to learn how to cook/clean. And, education is mandatory. As long as the kid is doing well in school (even if he's cheating), nothing more is expected.

Obviously not all Indian parents are like this, but there is some truth to it. Flame away other Indians on this board.

Are you a troll? This does not represent the upper middle class experience of my cousins in India. They do have in-home help, but not everyone does (like, for example, the people who provide the help who generally also have their own families). Cheating would definitely not fly in my family. And since most of my cousins ultimately lived in a dorm at some point, they did need to learn to cook/clean. I know that you qualified your statements by saying not everyone is like this...but there are a lot of Indians in and out of India, and many more of them are unable to afford cooks/maids than are.

WTF are you talking about?

NP here: yes, every UPPER MIDDLE CLASS family has hired help in India. If you have upper-middle-class cousins in India who don't have help in the house, then either your cousins are in deep financial shit that you don't know about or else they're just lying about something. That is weird.

thats why the indians are the ones that hire the day laborers in herndon. They are more than happy to take advantage of someone else's desperation and doesn't bother them at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had parents like that. You're right that Indian parents do this strange thing where the kids are super coddled, but also tiger parented.

I hated it for the most part, and grew up wanting to be independent and do things for myself.

In India, EVERYONE has a cook/maid, so the middle class kids don't have to learn how to cook/clean. And, education is mandatory. As long as the kid is doing well in school (even if he's cheating), nothing more is expected.

Obviously not all Indian parents are like this, but there is some truth to it. Flame away other Indians on this board.

Are you a troll? This does not represent the upper middle class experience of my cousins in India. They do have in-home help, but not everyone does (like, for example, the people who provide the help who generally also have their own families). Cheating would definitely not fly in my family. And since most of my cousins ultimately lived in a dorm at some point, they did need to learn to cook/clean. I know that you qualified your statements by saying not everyone is like this...but there are a lot of Indians in and out of India, and many more of them are unable to afford cooks/maids than are.

WTF are you talking about?

NP here: yes, every UPPER MIDDLE CLASS family has hired help in India. If you have upper-middle-class cousins in India who don't have help in the house, then either your cousins are in deep financial shit that you don't know about or else they're just lying about something. That is weird.

thats why the indians are the ones that hire the day laborers in herndon. They are more than happy to take advantage of someone else's desperation and doesn't bother them at all.

Yup it's only those darn Indians that ever hire day laborers. ( Nevermind the fact that I don't know of a single Indian person that has). But white contractors and builders and white owners of landscaping companies NEVER EVER pull over and pick up day laborers in their trucks.

The Whites are never guilty of such atrocities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had parents like that. You're right that Indian parents do this strange thing where the kids are super coddled, but also tiger parented.

I hated it for the most part, and grew up wanting to be independent and do things for myself.

In India, EVERYONE has a cook/maid, so the middle class kids don't have to learn how to cook/clean. And, education is mandatory. As long as the kid is doing well in school (even if he's cheating), nothing more is expected.

Obviously not all Indian parents are like this, but there is some truth to it. Flame away other Indians on this board.

Are you a troll? This does not represent the upper middle class experience of my cousins in India. They do have in-home help, but not everyone does (like, for example, the people who provide the help who generally also have their own families). Cheating would definitely not fly in my family. And since most of my cousins ultimately lived in a dorm at some point, they did need to learn to cook/clean. I know that you qualified your statements by saying not everyone is like this...but there are a lot of Indians in and out of India, and many more of them are unable to afford cooks/maids than are.

WTF are you talking about?

NP here: yes, every UPPER MIDDLE CLASS family has hired help in India. If you have upper-middle-class cousins in India who don't have help in the house, then either your cousins are in deep financial shit that you don't know about or else they're just lying about something. That is weird.

thats why the indians are the ones that hire the day laborers in herndon. They are more than happy to take advantage of someone else's desperation and doesn't bother them at all.

Sorry, but I don't know a single Indian family that would even THINK of hiring a day laborer and letting someone unvetted into their home. No way.

[Anonymous]

OP, every culture has it's own parenting style. No style is perfect (surprise!), but there is a lot about Indian families that is worth admiring. Just like there is a lot about American parenting that is worth emulating.

I am a first generation Indian American, and a mom of a two year old. Unlike my kin in India, I enforce a bed time for my child, encourage her to eat on her own and to help out with cleaning (she can operate a small hand vacuum, which comes in handy!).
But I am also particular about never letting her raise her voice at me or her dad, for any reason. I will continue to sacrifice my own comfort so that we can give her the best. And I'll also teach her that when we have extra guests in the house, she needs to give up her bed and sleep in the living room (which is what my husband and I do).

The value for family and respect for elders is probably the most amazing thing about Indian culture, along with high value on education and achievement. Many Indian children look after their parents when they are older - just like their parents looked after their every need when they were younger. Many also have their older parents live with them, even if this means giving up personal comfort. Indians have strong support networks, but the downside is that this can get oppressive and can hinder creativity and independence.

The value for independence in American parenting styles is truly admirable. Children sleeping on their own - feeding themselves and knowing how to do everything from cooking to tiling is noteworthy. The downside is that sometimes Americans can be quite self-absorbed and reluctant to help others (especially when it is not convenient). Compared to Indians, Americans are also seen as less social and very tied to rules.

I don't have this whole parenting thing figured out, but I try! It's easy to point to flaws in another culture and jump to the conclusions that you have drawn. But the truth is that many Indian parents look at American parenting styles and see flaws as well. Isn't is more productive to see the admirable qualities instead and to treat them as opportunities to learn?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, every culture has it's own parenting style. No style is perfect (surprise!), but there is a lot about Indian families that is worth admiring. Just like there is a lot about American parenting that is worth emulating.

I am a first generation Indian American, and a mom of a two year old. Unlike my kin in India, I enforce a bed time for my child, encourage her to eat on her own and to help out with cleaning (she can operate a small hand vacuum, which comes in handy!).
But I am also particular about never letting her raise her voice at me or her dad, for any reason. I will continue to sacrifice my own comfort so that we can give her the best. And I'll also teach her that when we have extra guests in the house, she needs to give up her bed and sleep in the living room (which is what my husband and I do).

The value for family and respect for elders is probably the most amazing thing about Indian culture, along with high value on education and achievement. Many Indian children look after their parents when they are older - just like their parents looked after their every need when they were younger. Many also have their older parents live with them, even if this means giving up personal comfort. Indians have strong support networks, but the downside is that this can get oppressive and can hinder creativity and independence.

The value for independence in American parenting styles is truly admirable. Children sleeping on their own - feeding themselves and knowing how to do everything from cooking to tiling is noteworthy. The downside is that sometimes Americans can be quite self-absorbed and reluctant to help others (especially when it is not convenient). Compared to Indians, Americans are also seen as less social and very tied to rules.

I don't have this whole parenting thing figured out, but I try! It's easy to point to flaws in another culture and jump to the conclusions that you have drawn. But the truth is that many Indian parents look at American parenting styles and see flaws as well. Isn't is more productive to see the admirable qualities instead and to treat them as opportunities to learn?

PP, this really resonated with me. Any chance you live in Arlington or Falls Church and want to do a meet up sometime?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So your daughter knows an Indian girl and you've made a generalization about all Indian parenting. I hope you are a troll. Because otherwise you're the sort insular, annoying, myopic, stupid, unthinking judgemental cow who (sadly) makes people around the world despise Americans.

The sanctimonious "but my way should be adopted by everyone" is so utterly offensive it is quite extraordinary.

I wonder how many Indian families would write home to say "my kid goes to a school which is full of bratty, entitled, trash talking, fat, lazy, pampered, arrogant, smug, materialistic kids with horrible racist and judgemental parents."

I don't think any would. Because they don't come from a country that tries to inflict its social paradigms on the rest of the world.

Don't worry. Plenty of Indians have this opinion (and worse).

+1 I was just gonna say the same thing. I don't have the stats on the people on this forum, but I'm venturing to guess that the majority are white or black, and very few are Indians raised in India. So, you probably won't see too many posts stereotyping and degrading American parenting styles on this forum. But I'm sure you'd get an earful if you were in their social circles.

I'm an Indian PP and my parents are (for the most part) APPALLED by my parenting.
How it's horrible that I let the kids CIO. How I should still be hand-feeding my 2 year old. How I shouldn't be so strict. How my K DD should be learning her times tables. How we're not religious enough.

They love my kids, but feel that my parenting style is way too "American". And, trust me, there is plenty of criticism of 'western' parenting techniques in their social circle.

That's interesting. I'm Indian-American, and my mom loves how I parent. She wonders why she spent years with poor sleepers and stayed home when she clearly would have preferred to be working because she had no help from my father. I'm sure they will disagree with more as my kids get older and are allowed to date, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had parents like that. You're right that Indian parents do this strange thing where the kids are super coddled, but also tiger parented.

I hated it for the most part, and grew up wanting to be independent and do things for myself.

In India, EVERYONE has a cook/maid, so the middle class kids don't have to learn how to cook/clean. And, education is mandatory. As long as the kid is doing well in school (even if he's cheating), nothing more is expected.

Obviously not all Indian parents are like this, but there is some truth to it. Flame away other Indians on this board.

Are you a troll? This does not represent the upper middle class experience of my cousins in India. They do have in-home help, but not everyone does (like, for example, the people who provide the help who generally also have their own families). Cheating would definitely not fly in my family. And since most of my cousins ultimately lived in a dorm at some point, they did need to learn to cook/clean. I know that you qualified your statements by saying not everyone is like this...but there are a lot of Indians in and out of India, and many more of them are unable to afford cooks/maids than are.

WTF are you talking about?

NP here: yes, every UPPER MIDDLE CLASS family has hired help in India. If you have upper-middle-class cousins in India who don't have help in the house, then either your cousins are in deep financial shit that you don't know about or else they're just lying about something. That is weird.

thats why the indians are the ones that hire the day laborers in herndon. They are more than happy to take advantage of someone else's desperation and doesn't bother them at all.

Sorry, but I don't know a single Indian family that would even THINK of hiring a day laborer and letting someone unvetted into their home. No way.

I know plenty. They talk about it at work.

[Anonymous]

http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/volokh-conspiracy/wp/2014/06/01/why-do-children-of-indian-immigrants-dominate-american-spelling-bees/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We re white upper middle class Americans whose families had less. We did chores, went to church, worked jobs in high school and studied like mad to go to college/med/law/grad school. We really value working hard, especially academically. Our kids are average (below average in their top DC private schools). They work hard in school and are assisted by tutors but just are not wired like we are. Grades in top schools are gentleman Cs, bad test scores, but fit in fine in school and social life.

My question is this. How do Asians and South Asians deal with this kind of situation? Surely not EVERY child has the ability and tenacity to do his 'job' (great test scores, grades) well.

And before you reply 'have him join the military, go to community college, become a hairdresser" remember that the children were raised as upper middle class children, with travel and all of the comforts of our class. They would not do these 'lesser' career paths and still want to work hard, become educated, etc.

It would be great if you could give your experiences.

What specifically are you asking? What to do if a child has a learning disability? Of the child is just too lazy to study? If the latter - clamp down on social life and raise the bar on academic expectations. If you're paying for tutors and DC is only getting "gentleman's Cs", there is some serious bullshit going on.

Tough shit. Its what their aptitude is, even if its not what their attitude is.

PS- I work in academia and am educated out the wazoo and I make little compared to some of the blue-collar "lesser" business owners in my family. But you are right, I get to stay home and feel prestigious and educated while they get to laze away with a book and a limoncello in Capri in the summers!

[Anonymous]

The only people I know personally who hire day laborers are white.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only people I know personally who hire day laborers are white.

+1

White and Male.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are all you Indians who were allowed to eat in their rooms? I'm Indian and I can't think of any Indian child I was friends with (or related to) growing up who was allowed to take food anywhere in the home but the kitchen or dinning table. My parents were always very concerned about crumbs, and messes, and bugs, not to mention that they insisted we had all meals at home as a family.

Even now that it's just the two of them at home, my parents will literally NEVER eat in front of the TV - even if it means pausing a show or movie they are in the middle of watching to sit at the table for 20 minutes to have a meal.

Yeah, we weren't even allowed to eat in front of the TV!

I am Indian. I did lots of chores, inside and out. I was scrubbing toilets and floors by the fourth grade, if not earlier.

Maybe my friends' parents said, "my daughter's friend, she is in eighth grade, and she built the fence around her parents' house. Why are Indians so obsessed with woodworking?"

Haha!! OP, this basically describes my Indian-American childhood too. Except I never built a fence. I did, however, help finish the basement. Maybe the neighbors were like "why is this Indian family obsessed with DIY?". It's because my dad didn't want to hire someone out to do it when he could do it himself, that's why.

Was your house also filled with slightly (or severely) imperfect DIY projects that were deemed "good enough" - functional but slightly off? Like slightly crooked tiles, grout that didn't match the bathtub, etc? My dad still grumbles when we hire someone to do something. "WHy are you wasting money? Who cares how your backsplash looks? It's there to get dirty."

My parents once hired someone to help redo the kitchen, my dad worked alongside him, finishing the cabinets himself, installing floors, etc. Ugh, Indian people, right?

See, OP, this shows you the difference between the many Indian families out there. My family was NOT like this at all. My dad is an engineer and a perfectionist - all of our DIY projects were probably on par with professional projects. Very unlike what PP describes above.

And this FURTHER shows you the difference between Indian engineers...because my dad is an engineer, too, but home projects were always a little off. You can't even generalize Indian engineers!