Conflict around family size

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I have known women who have suffered infertility and have no children. I have know parents who have had children die in their arms. Perhaps a bit of perspective and gratitude would help you cope with the challenges you experience with your husband.

I already said I am grateful for one healthy child but I have zero gratitude, and at the moment, affection, for my husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not for nothing, every couple I know where the husband practically runs to get a vasectomy after the first baby or otherwise says no to more kids - it is 100% of the time an issue he has with the wife and not really the kid.

From your posts, OP, I suspect this is true in your case as well. Get a goddamn grip.

In that case, the advice to divorce is not all that misplaced, now is it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not for nothing, every couple I know where the husband practically runs to get a vasectomy after the first baby or otherwise says no to more kids - it is 100% of the time an issue he has with the wife and not really the kid.

From your posts, OP, I suspect this is true in your case as well. Get a goddamn grip.

So... Your advice is...what? Stay married? Get divorced? Be a better wife, then DH will agree to 5 kids?

My advice is to take along hard look at your marriage and relationship, not the symptom of the problem which is your husband not wanting to expand the family. He probably would like more children - just not with you.

So who is ripping the family apart now? The wife who wants more children? Or the husband who lies to his wife with his one foot out of the door?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not for nothing, every couple I know where the husband practically runs to get a vasectomy after the first baby or otherwise says no to more kids - it is 100% of the time an issue he has with the wife and not really the kid.

From your posts, OP, I suspect this is true in your case as well. Get a goddamn grip.

So... Your advice is...what? Stay married? Get divorced? Be a better wife, then DH will agree to 5 kids?

My advice is to take along hard look at your marriage and relationship, not the symptom of the problem which is your husband not wanting to expand the family. He probably would like more children - just not with you.

So who is ripping the family apart now? The wife who wants more children? Or the husband who lies to his wife with his one foot out of the door?

That's for you (assuming that you are OP) to discuss with a marriage counselor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, get over yourself. You have one healthy child who you are going to mess up if you keep having this mind set of not being able to be happy without another child. You are setting your kid up for feelings of not being enough for you. Be happy with the family you have, don't mourn for the family you might have. It sounds like your quest for another child is already ripping your family apart.

If you turned out to be married to a someone who lied to you, would you tell yourself to be happy with the family you have?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, get over yourself. You have one healthy child who you are going to mess up if you keep having this mind set of not being able to be happy without another child. You are setting your kid up for feelings of not being enough for you. Be happy with the family you have, don't mourn for the family you might have. It sounds like your quest for another child is already ripping your family apart.

If you turned out to be married to a someone who lied to you, would you tell yourself to be happy with the family you have?

Sometimes we tell children something, and we mean it, but their behavior in the interim makes us change our minds. Is that a simple analogy? Your husband probably genuinely wanted more than one child but over the course of the marriage changed his mind. You need to look at "why".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, get over yourself. You have one healthy child who you are going to mess up if you keep having this mind set of not being able to be happy without another child. You are setting your kid up for feelings of not being enough for you. Be happy with the family you have, don't mourn for the family you might have. It sounds like your quest for another child is already ripping your family apart.

If you turned out to be married to a someone who lied to you, would you tell yourself to be happy with the family you have?

Sometimes we tell children something, and we mean it, but their behavior in the interim makes us change our minds. Is that a simple analogy? Your husband probably genuinely wanted more than one child but over the course of the marriage changed his mind. You need to look at "why".

It's simple but misplaced. There is no power differential between spouses similar to parent/child. And a child can't divorce you for changing your mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, get over yourself. You have one healthy child who you are going to mess up if you keep having this mind set of not being able to be happy without another child. You are setting your kid up for feelings of not being enough for you. Be happy with the family you have, don't mourn for the family you might have. It sounds like your quest for another child is already ripping your family apart.

If you turned out to be married to a someone who lied to you, would you tell yourself to be happy with the family you have?

First off your husband did not intentionally lie to you, he changed his mind. You gave him an ultimatum when you were already pregnant and he gave you what he probably felt was an honest answer. At that time neither of you knew what one child would do to your relationship. Have you really never changed your mind on a major issue after learning all the facts? If you can't accept that people make mistakes, change their minds, and make selfish decisions then you shouldn't be married or a mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, get over yourself. You have one healthy child who you are going to mess up if you keep having this mind set of not being able to be happy without another child. You are setting your kid up for feelings of not being enough for you. Be happy with the family you have, don't mourn for the family you might have. It sounds like your quest for another child is already ripping your family apart.

If you turned out to be married to a someone who lied to you, would you tell yourself to be happy with the family you have?

First off your husband did not intentionally lie to you, he changed his mind. You gave him an ultimatum when you were already pregnant and he gave you what he probably felt was an honest answer. At that time neither of you knew what one child would do to your relationship. Have you really never changed your mind on a major issue after learning all the facts? If you can't accept that people make mistakes, change their minds, and make selfish decisions then you shouldn't be married or a mother.

I am not the OP. My husband always said we'd have more children, we never planned just one. We were making plans as recently as early this year. He abruptly declared "it's too much responsibility" two months ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I have known women who have suffered infertility and have no children. I have know parents who have had children die in their arms. Perhaps a bit of perspective and gratitude would help you cope with the challenges you experience with your husband.

I already said I am grateful for one healthy child but I have zero gratitude, and at the moment, affection, for my husband.

Then I think your two choices are to either try to develop a little affection for him, as not having any certainly will destroy your family or leave him. I sympathize that neither are perfect solutions, but you can't make someone want an additional child and it certainly will be more damaging to have a child with him that he doesn't want. I imagine that he didn't intentionally lie to you about how many children he wanted. Until you have one child, it is impossible to know how you might feel and how much responsibility they are. I think it is better to have one than to have a child who is resented.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure I agree that this DH lied. He never said he wanted two and maybe he did consider...but came out on the side of no.

I'm divorced with two kids, btw. Both of my kids were wanted and planned, but our marriage was not rock solid like it should have been. For some women, the desire and instinct to be a mother is something that cannot be explained. It is inherent in their being. Not trying to be dramatic, but I could not express to a man my maternal instincts. It is just one of the many factors that sets us apart. My ex wanted to be a father, but I don't think for a second that he had the same internal pull that I had at the first thought of getting pregnant. It's just different for some women and not everyone will understand.

I have one story, for what it's worth. Good friend married, they waited several years to have a child. She had one, with some complications after birth (nothing permanent, but dicey for a while). They were early-mid 30s. She started wanting another about 2 years later. He said no and this went on for a while. She winds up pregnant (not confirmed, but wouldn't be surprised if it was accidentally on purpose). Fast forward a bit -- DH was cheating. Not sure if the pregnancy of the affair was first. He goes back and forth from the marriage, winds up with the GF, she gets pregnant, they get married and oh look, happy 2nd family. My friend is divorced with two kids (one he did not want). He has a 3rd kid and is remarried.

It was weird that he didn't want another child...but well, there was clearly a reason. He was not happy in the marriage. Look at your relationship and if you can't fathom there is a problem (on your DH's part -- affair, you, his age), then get some counseling to see if you can find a way to discuss the issues. Resentment on this issue will just be another wedge in your marriage on top of the communication issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Goodness! Just divorce him, go to a sperm bank and get pregnant. Clearly it is that important. Stop being a victim. Take charge and go get what you want.

I don't want a child from a sperm bank. If that was my vision, I wouldn't have got married. I want another child with my husband. I want a family with two children. Stop being dense.

Then you need to treat this issue as one of grief. Go see a grief counselor or a therapist. Mourn the loss of this expectation and this dream. Learn to let it go and create a new reality for yourself. Treat this as if your husband died and you had to figure out a different life than the one you imagined.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is it you think that the husband's resentment at having another child is Oh So the Most Important Thing in the Universe, but the wife's resentment at being forced into barrenness is just like a pimple - easily dismissed and unseemly to complain about? You want to talk about effect on the child? What about the effect on the first child, who is being denied siblings and forced to grow into loneliness? I can just see the conversation ten years from now:

"Mommy, how come everyone has brothers and sisters and I don't?"

"Because daddy thought that would be too much responsibility so he forced mommy not to have any more children."

Forced into barrenness?

Being denied siblings?

Grow into loneliness?

Forced mommy not to have any more children?

Uh, project much?

I'm not the OP. I wrote what describes my situation. I am not sure why you think projecting is a bad thing when we all clearly have just our own experience to go on. It's impossible for it not to color our perception so I don't have a problem with projecting. Besides, some of it is describing, not projecting.

With this attitude, theonly response will be, "because your father and I got divorced." Seriously, if you would dump that resentment on a child, you are probably a major nightmare in other areas, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

With this attitude, theonly response will be, "because your father and I got divorced." Seriously, if you would dump that resentment on a child, you are probably a major nightmare in other areas, too.

I wouldn't give this answer to my child, but that would in fact be the truth, wouldn't it. I don't know why you are so hell bent on painting the person who doesn't want children in the best possible light, when it is indeed his/her fault that the child doesn't have any siblings. Actions have consequences and you want to pretend this is not so. For this particular situation, the chain of cause and effect would be: husband didn't want any more children. That's why the child doesn't have any siblings. That's why the wife hates him. You're trying to pretend that these events aren't linked. But they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want to watch someone take away from you something for which you long with every fiber of your being. Let's see how angelic your behavior will be.

I think this is the OP- so you're saying that a second child is more important to you than having one child and staying with your husband? Your priorities are seriously fucked up if your idea of "big family" is lots of kids and no dad. Grieve the loss of your family ideal and move on. Or dump his ass, get pregnant, and raise two kids at 40.