Conflict around family size

[Anonymous]

Oh, and yes, I agree that the reality of monogamy may not be the same as what you thought when you took your vows.

The same rules apply--both parties need to talk over what they feel is right and come to a decision. Cheating and browbeating and guilt trip don't solve this problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What you, and the OP miss is how this impacts the second child if conceived after relentless nagging by the mother. A child that the father never wanted. Sounds awesome. SOunds like you and the OP are very selfish. No thought whatsoever to the unborn child who might have a dad who never wanted him.

Why is it you think that the husband's resentment at having another child is Oh So the Most Important Thing in the Universe, but the wife's resentment at being forced into barrenness is just like a pimple - easily dismissed and unseemly to complain about? You want to talk about effect on the child? What about the effect on the first child, who is being denied siblings and forced to grow into loneliness? I can just see the conversation ten years from now:

"Mommy, how come everyone has brothers and sisters and I don't?"

"Because daddy thought that would be too much responsibility so he forced mommy not to have any more children."

This is truly offensive to all people who can have only one child or choose only one child. It's offensive to the children, too. It is offensive to call the childless "barren."
Is there anyone you managed to not offend with your ridiculous hyperbole?

I don't especially care if I offended you. If you choose to have one and only, you aren't denying him or her siblings. That's your design, because you don't think siblings are important enough to outweigh your reasons. I did NOT choose to have one and only. I'm being forced into it. So yes, my child is being denied siblings.

I don't care if you prefer to call yourself childless vs. barren. I, personally, feel I am being forced into barrenness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, and yes, I agree that the reality of monogamy may not be the same as what you thought when you took your vows.

The same rules apply--both parties need to talk over what they feel is right and come to a decision. Cheating and browbeating and guilt trip don't solve this problem.

And yet I bet if you came to DCUM and posted that your husband decided he can't be monogamous anymore, you'd be greeted with a chorus of cheers to divorce, with massive back-patting.

Yet a woman who wants to have another child and is willing to divorce her DH over it is being told she's selfish for ruining the family she has, which she OUGHT to love. And to sit down and shut up and get over it.

Do you see the difference in the degree of respect these reasons get?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What you, and the OP miss is how this impacts the second child if conceived after relentless nagging by the mother. A child that the father never wanted. Sounds awesome. SOunds like you and the OP are very selfish. No thought whatsoever to the unborn child who might have a dad who never wanted him.

Why is it you think that the husband's resentment at having another child is Oh So the Most Important Thing in the Universe, but the wife's resentment at being forced into barrenness is just like a pimple - easily dismissed and unseemly to complain about? You want to talk about effect on the child? What about the effect on the first child, who is being denied siblings and forced to grow into loneliness? I can just see the conversation ten years from now:

"Mommy, how come everyone has brothers and sisters and I don't?"

"Because daddy thought that would be too much responsibility so he forced mommy not to have any more children."

This is truly offensive to all people who can have only one child or choose only one child. It's offensive to the children, too. It is offensive to call the childless "barren."
Is there anyone you managed to not offend with your ridiculous hyperbole?

I don't especially care if I offended you. If you choose to have one and only, you aren't denying him or her siblings. That's your design, because you don't think siblings are important enough to outweigh your reasons. I did NOT choose to have one and only. I'm being forced into it. So yes, my child is being denied siblings.

I don't care if you prefer to call yourself childless vs. barren. I, personally, feel I am being forced into barrenness.

Goodness! Just divorce him, go to a sperm bank and get pregnant. Clearly it is that important. Stop being a victim. Take charge and go get what you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Goodness! Just divorce him, go to a sperm bank and get pregnant. Clearly it is that important. Stop being a victim. Take charge and go get what you want.

I don't want a child from a sperm bank. If that was my vision, I wouldn't have got married. I want another child with my husband. I want a family with two children. Stop being dense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Goodness! Just divorce him, go to a sperm bank and get pregnant. Clearly it is that important. Stop being a victim. Take charge and go get what you want.

I don't want a child from a sperm bank. If that was my vision, I wouldn't have got married. I want another child with my husband. I want a family with two children. Stop being dense.

Well, as almost all adults know, you can't always get what you want. So you choose the best choice among available options. Considering yourself a victim isn't useful.

[Anonymous]

The problem is he lived his entire young and middle adulthood child-free. Your first child felt like a huge inconvenience to his self-centered life style.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is 50, the age of a typical new grandfather. This is a no brainer.

If he was excited about getting married and having kids he would not have waited until he was 50.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What you, and the OP miss is how this impacts the second child if conceived after relentless nagging by the mother. A child that the father never wanted. Sounds awesome. SOunds like you and the OP are very selfish. No thought whatsoever to the unborn child who might have a dad who never wanted him.

Why is it you think that the husband's resentment at having another child is Oh So the Most Important Thing in the Universe, but the wife's resentment at being forced into barrenness is just like a pimple - easily dismissed and unseemly to complain about? You want to talk about effect on the child? What about the effect on the first child, who is being denied siblings and forced to grow into loneliness? I can just see the conversation ten years from now:

"Mommy, how come everyone has brothers and sisters and I don't?"

"Because daddy thought that would be too much responsibility so he forced mommy not to have any more children."

This is truly offensive to all people who can have only one child or choose only one child. It's offensive to the children, too. It is offensive to call the childless "barren."
Is there anyone you managed to not offend with your ridiculous hyperbole?

I don't especially care if I offended you. If you choose to have one and only, you aren't denying him or her siblings. That's your design, because you don't think siblings are important enough to outweigh your reasons. I did NOT choose to have one and only. I'm being forced into it. So yes, my child is being denied siblings.

I don't care if you prefer to call yourself childless vs. barren. I, personally, feel I am being forced into barrenness.

Something tells me not having a child has nothing to do with responsibility and everything to do with the fact that you are a witch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What you, and the OP miss is how this impacts the second child if conceived after relentless nagging by the mother. A child that the father never wanted. Sounds awesome. SOunds like you and the OP are very selfish. No thought whatsoever to the unborn child who might have a dad who never wanted him.

Why is it you think that the husband's resentment at having another child is Oh So the Most Important Thing in the Universe, but the wife's resentment at being forced into barrenness is just like a pimple - easily dismissed and unseemly to complain about? You want to talk about effect on the child? What about the effect on the first child, who is being denied siblings and forced to grow into loneliness? I can just see the conversation ten years from now:

"Mommy, how come everyone has brothers and sisters and I don't?"

"Because daddy thought that would be too much responsibility so he forced mommy not to have any more children."

This is truly offensive to all people who can have only one child or choose only one child. It's offensive to the children, too. It is offensive to call the childless "barren."
Is there anyone you managed to not offend with your ridiculous hyperbole?

I don't especially care if I offended you. If you choose to have one and only, you aren't denying him or her siblings. That's your design, because you don't think siblings are important enough to outweigh your reasons. I did NOT choose to have one and only. I'm being forced into it. So yes, my child is being denied siblings.

I don't care if you prefer to call yourself childless vs. barren. I, personally, feel I am being forced into barrenness.

Something tells me not having a child has nothing to do with responsibility and everything to do with the fact that you are a witch.

I want to watch someone take away from you something for which you long with every fiber of your being. Let's see how angelic your behavior will be.

[Anonymous]

Wow, get over yourself. You have one healthy child who you are going to mess up if you keep having this mind set of not being able to be happy without another child. You are setting your kid up for feelings of not being enough for you. Be happy with the family you have, don't mourn for the family you might have. It sounds like your quest for another child is already ripping your family apart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What you, and the OP miss is how this impacts the second child if conceived after relentless nagging by the mother. A child that the father never wanted. Sounds awesome. SOunds like you and the OP are very selfish. No thought whatsoever to the unborn child who might have a dad who never wanted him.

Why is it you think that the husband's resentment at having another child is Oh So the Most Important Thing in the Universe, but the wife's resentment at being forced into barrenness is just like a pimple - easily dismissed and unseemly to complain about? You want to talk about effect on the child? What about the effect on the first child, who is being denied siblings and forced to grow into loneliness? I can just see the conversation ten years from now:

"Mommy, how come everyone has brothers and sisters and I don't?"

"Because daddy thought that would be too much responsibility so he forced mommy not to have any more children."

This is truly offensive to all people who can have only one child or choose only one child. It's offensive to the children, too. It is offensive to call the childless "barren."
Is there anyone you managed to not offend with your ridiculous hyperbole?

I don't especially care if I offended you. If you choose to have one and only, you aren't denying him or her siblings. That's your design, because you don't think siblings are important enough to outweigh your reasons. I did NOT choose to have one and only. I'm being forced into it. So yes, my child is being denied siblings.

I don't care if you prefer to call yourself childless vs. barren. I, personally, feel I am being forced into barrenness.

Something tells me not having a child has nothing to do with responsibility and everything to do with the fact that you are a witch.

I want to watch someone take away from you something for which you long with every fiber of your being. Let's see how angelic your behavior will be.

I have known women who have suffered infertility and have no children. I have know parents who have had children die in their arms. Perhaps a bit of perspective and gratitude would help you cope with the challenges you experience with your husband.

[Anonymous]

Not for nothing, every couple I know where the husband practically runs to get a vasectomy after the first baby or otherwise says no to more kids - it is 100% of the time an issue he has with the wife and not really the kid.

From your posts, OP, I suspect this is true in your case as well. Get a goddamn grip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not for nothing, every couple I know where the husband practically runs to get a vasectomy after the first baby or otherwise says no to more kids - it is 100% of the time an issue he has with the wife and not really the kid.

From your posts, OP, I suspect this is true in your case as well. Get a goddamn grip.

So... Your advice is...what? Stay married? Get divorced? Be a better wife, then DH will agree to 5 kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not for nothing, every couple I know where the husband practically runs to get a vasectomy after the first baby or otherwise says no to more kids - it is 100% of the time an issue he has with the wife and not really the kid.

From your posts, OP, I suspect this is true in your case as well. Get a goddamn grip.

So... Your advice is...what? Stay married? Get divorced? Be a better wife, then DH will agree to 5 kids?

My advice is to take along hard look at your marriage and relationship, not the symptom of the problem which is your husband not wanting to expand the family. He probably would like more children - just not with you.