Need a new perspective on problem with in-laws (long, sorry)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, OP, this just was not feasible. Way, way too long to leave a ten month old. Why on earth didn't you fly back when they called you? I am sorry, but I honestly think it was unfair and irresponsible. I really do.

I would apologize, again and again, and just leave it for a while.

Really? Fly back?

Um, absolutely. If I knew my ten month old baby was not being cared for, missed me and was not going to be able to remain with family, yeah, I would get on a plane. Guess I'm just crazy like that.

Wow - way to jump to conclusions! Although FIL's wife asked me to make other arrangements, the baby was being well cared for and I was able to make arrangements for him to stay with others. If I had really felt it was dire, we definitely would have come home but I was assured he was fine, they just didnt realize he would need so much attention and were unprepared to offer that kind of attention all weekend. BIL was around over the weekend (with his own kids) and took the brunt of the childcare from Fri night until we returned and the older 2 kids went to their friends on Sunday morning.

Good lord, you burdened everyone including your BIL so that you can have a week away. You are so selfish.

Exactly! He had to go and get the kid, who knows how, transferring car seats, etc. Sorry, but good lord, op.

Wow - lots of false assumptions here. BIL wanted to come in bc he was off of work and thought it a good opportunity to visit and help. That was his call, we never asked him. He didnt have to get the kids bc he stayed with FIL and just took over the nights and baby stuff while in their house. I also installed extra car seats in all in-laws cars and they had access to our cars so no car seats ever needed to be transferred.

We also have happily cared for BILs kids for weeks over the summer with no expectation of returning the favor bc thats what families do.

Well, WTF else were you going to do? MIL and FIL said they could nto hack the baby all weekend. What was your backup plan??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The thing is, OP, FIL and MIL are right. Objectively. It would be a big deal to ask family to watch my 11 month old for a week. Her, plus two older non potty trained kids, when the family is working FT? Come. on. Now. That is nuts. You are wrong, wrong, wrong. Admit it and move on.

I never ever would have been comfortable with putting that on anyone. I agree with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, accidents in the bed is a real no-no for someone who is an only child and never had kids. You have three very young kids and that is a handful. They are mad at you because they underestimated the amount of work. I am sure there were some glorious words exchanged! Give them some space. (You did not do anything wrong, but really, that is a lot for this couple) I, who have had kids and gone through this stage, would have just said no right away. Most people would. Sorry.

+1. They did not know what they were getting into and did not want to stand in the way of your "once-in-a-lifetime" trip. The experience has strained their marriage. They will probably never offer to babysit again. Next time you take a trip without the kids, make sure the adults caring for them live in the home and there is someone there full-time who does not have to juggle the demands of a full-time job in case a kid is up all night/gets sick/other unforeseen timesuck. Your set-up would have worked if the kids were perfect (no accidents, no teething, etc).

[Anonymous]

They had no idea how hard it would be; it's no one's fault, though. They should have LOADS more sympathy for you now that they know! After all, you have to deal with this every day and they only had to deal with it for one paltry week! They should get a grip and get over it. Sorry you have to deal with their whining. Just give them their distance until they are sufficiently recovered. Too bad they can't just grow up.

[Anonymous]

Op - I don't think you did anything wrong at all. My brother and sister in law have left their 4 kids with my parents for a week on multiple occasions. My parents are 70.

I think here maybe your efforts to be helpful might have hurt you. FIL and his wife got three kids that had already had long days and been to school, to MILs and had a mother's helper - then they go over to FILs to sleep. I think there was just way too much moving around, too many people involved and too much and instability. They might have been grumpy or just over tired or hyped up by the time they got to FILs. Maybe FIL kept them up a bit to play with them and they ended up wound up or sleep deprived.

Your history with them gave you no reason to think their would be unmanageable. You went out of your way to make it as easy as possible for them. Their anger at you doesn't make sense at all. I hope your conversation with them goes well, maybe just back off a bit on the apologizing and let there be a bit of space for a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They had no idea how hard it would be; it's no one's fault, though. They should have LOADS more sympathy for you now that they know! After all, you have to deal with this every day and they only had to deal with it for one paltry week! They should get a grip and get over it. Sorry you have to deal with their whining. Just give them their distance until they are sufficiently recovered. Too bad they can't just grow up.

This is amazingly out of touch. Are you real? They should have LOADS of sympathy? Did they force OP to have these three children that now she has to care for and crap, so they had to suck it up for one paltry week? The entitlement in your post is jaw dropping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They had no idea how hard it would be; it's no one's fault, though. They should have LOADS more sympathy for you now that they know! After all, you have to deal with this every day and they only had to deal with it for one paltry week! They should get a grip and get over it. Sorry you have to deal with their whining. Just give them their distance until they are sufficiently recovered. Too bad they can't just grow up.

Except they won't, because the kids are OP's and her DH's, not anyone else's. You are expected to take care of your own children without whining since you chose to have them. If anyone else takes care of them without being paid, they are doing you a BIG FAVOR.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What was rigid about the schedule? 4-7 with MIL at my house and 7-8am with FIL/wife at their house?

Here's what you said-

I drafted an extensive child care document, pre-made meals, pre-packed bags, hired a mother's helper, and gave lots of instructions to make it as easy as possible. FIL said "piece of cake!" They were only to be sleeping (7pm-8am and they go to sleep by 7:30) by FIL - MIL would have them after school and feed them and get them into pjs and drop them off at 7pm. Their carpool would pick them up for school at 8am and they would drop baby off with the nanny at my house on the way to school

Now, I'm just trying to picture what happened, so there's a lot of supposition going on here, ok? Your ILs are working full time and haven't had little ones around in a long, long time. One toddler, two others not fully potty trained. You drafted a very specific list of instructions, including Meal A on Day A, Meal B on Day B (I'm guessing) all in bags, etc. So the ILs probably felt compelled to get the right meals matched with the days without making a mistake. It sounds like a rigid bed time, a rigid wake up routine, they've got the helper dropping in, car pool at 8am, running home to beat the kids, etc.

I'm not saying you did anything wrong. Honestly. I'm just saying that it is possible that your routine is much more structured than what they are used to. And by leaving such detailed instructions, including all the meal planning, may have made it more complicated than it needed to be. Your ILs may have been more comfortable trying to fit the kids into THEIR schedules, rather than living their life around the kids. Rather than making sure the kids got their pre-determined meal of the day, it would be much simpler to let the ILs cook a couple frozen pizzas and call it a day. Does that make sense?

And the "once in a lifetime" snark just meant that there's NFW the ILs will volunteer to do it again, that's all.

I appreciate your efforts to smooth this over. But your DH's impulse to fight with them over this indicates more going on than your kids shitting all over their carpet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What was rigid about the schedule? 4-7 with MIL at my house and 7-8am with FIL/wife at their house?

Here's what you said-

I drafted an extensive child care document, pre-made meals, pre-packed bags, hired a mother's helper, and gave lots of instructions to make it as easy as possible. FIL said "piece of cake!" They were only to be sleeping (7pm-8am and they go to sleep by 7:30) by FIL - MIL would have them after school and feed them and get them into pjs and drop them off at 7pm. Their carpool would pick them up for school at 8am and they would drop baby off with the nanny at my house on the way to school

Now, I'm just trying to picture what happened, so there's a lot of supposition going on here, ok? Your ILs are working full time and haven't had little ones around in a long, long time. One toddler, two others not fully potty trained. You drafted a very specific list of instructions, including Meal A on Day A, Meal B on Day B (I'm guessing) all in bags, etc. So the ILs probably felt compelled to get the right meals matched with the days without making a mistake. It sounds like a rigid bed time, a rigid wake up routine, they've got the helper dropping in, car pool at 8am, running home to beat the kids, etc.

I'm not saying you did anything wrong. Honestly. I'm just saying that it is possible that your routine is much more structured than what they are used to. And by leaving such detailed instructions, including all the meal planning, may have made it more complicated than it needed to be. Your ILs may have been more comfortable trying to fit the kids into THEIR schedules, rather than living their life around the kids. Rather than making sure the kids got their pre-determined meal of the day, it would be much simpler to let the ILs cook a couple frozen pizzas and call it a day. Does that make sense?

And the "once in a lifetime" snark just meant that there's NFW the ILs will volunteer to do it again, that's all.

I appreciate your efforts to smooth this over. But your DH's impulse to fight with them over this indicates more going on than your kids shitting all over their carpet.

Dh's impulse to argue back is just bc he and his dad always both have to be "right." I dont care who is right, I just want us all to be happy. I am happy to take the fall/blame for the entire situation. I understand the frustration and the stress they endured, I just dont understand the anger, although DCUM is good with anger so I knew someone here could explain it.

FWIW - all the prep meals/helper/etc was for MIL and she had a great time with them and was happy to take care of the baby after FIL/wife felt they were overwhelmed. All they were doing by FIL/wife was sleeping, getting ready for school, and eating breakfast.

[Anonymous]

And no, we dont ever expect to go away for any length of time and leave the kids with my in-laws again.

This was a rare opportunity that we couldnt pass up and we are happy we went, despite all the drama, bc DH and I had the chance to renew our relationship, relax, and enjoy each other, and the kids had a great time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And no, we dont ever expect to go away for any length of time and leave the kids with my in-laws again.

This was a rare opportunity that we couldnt pass up and we are happy we went, despite all the drama, bc DH and I had the chance to renew our relationship, relax, and enjoy each other, and the kids had a great time.

Now, OP. I am not sure the baby had a great time. And your Inlaws obviously did not have a great time. Lets not lip gloss this pig.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FWIW - all the prep meals/helper/etc was for MIL and she had a great time with them and was happy to take care of the baby after FIL/wife felt they were overwhelmed. All they were doing by FIL/wife was sleeping, getting ready for school, and eating breakfast.

Again- I wasn't there but I hope you can understand why my head was spinning trying to keep track of all that shit. My kids are 16 and 14 so I'm closer to your kids' ages than your ILs' but I'd be overwhelmed with a toddler and 2 non-potty trained kids. If you dropped your kids off with us, they'd have to fit into our schedule as best as possible, that's all I'm saying.

It sucks that feelings got hurt and it was a rough week for everyone. Encourage everyone to keep their mouth shut, at least for a while. I've seen family arguments go on for years over petty bullshit. It starts out with some minor offense, words are said, more words are said in response, spouse says something bad because of the last comment, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why people think they should have kids and still be able to live like they are singe. A week vacation????

Exactly, my kids are 14and12 and I wouldn't leave them for a week

The helicopter rotors are so loud I can barely hear!

Lmao yup.

OP, stop apologizing. You tried your best to see that it wouldn't be too much for the parents and it was but it is what it is. They need to stop bitching. Now you know it's better to have a nanny overnight than them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And no, we dont ever expect to go away for any length of time and leave the kids with my in-laws again.

This was a rare opportunity that we couldnt pass up and we are happy we went, despite all the drama, bc DH and I had the chance to renew our relationship, relax, and enjoy each other, and the kids had a great time.

Now, OP. I am not sure the baby had a great time. And your Inlaws obviously did not have a great time. Lets not lip gloss this pig.

I agree. I don't think everyone involved had a good time.

I still want to know what this "rare opportunity" trip was.

[Anonymous]

OP, did you ask your in-laws to do this for you? If yes, you shouldn't have. The only case that leaving a load like this is acceptable is when they offer, multiple times, to do something so generous.