If you decided your husband was no longer "winner" material, would you divorce him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH turned out to be less intelligent and profound than he seemed when we were dating. I am attracted to men who are smarter than me, and unfortunately he is not.
I am not going to divorce him.

As to the "winner", I don't care about that.

I can understand this if you were talking about a 3rd or 4th date. But you MARRIED the guy. Didn't you know him?

That's what I was thinking. We've all seen guys like this. But not for a third date.

I was 20, he's 10 years older when we met. Maybe I took the experience of age for the sign of intelligence, but once I had these experiences myself, I stopped learning from him. In fact, I stopped initiating interesting conversations with him. Again, we are probably of equal intelligence, and in many was he's a better person than I am, but I am not curious about his thoughts anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH turned out to be less intelligent and profound than he seemed when we were dating. I am attracted to men who are smarter than me, and unfortunately he is not.
I am not going to divorce him.

As to the "winner", I don't care about that.

This could have been me.

As on DH or DW?
If DH, I am sorry! I did not mean to be harsh. There are a lot of highly intelligent assholes out there, so I still lucked out and should not be complaining really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH turned out to be less intelligent and profound than he seemed when we were dating. I am attracted to men who are smarter than me, and unfortunately he is not.
I am not going to divorce him.

As to the "winner", I don't care about that.

I can understand this if you were talking about a 3rd or 4th date. But you MARRIED the guy. Didn't you know him?

That's what I was thinking. We've all seen guys like this. But not for a third date.

I was 20, he's 10 years older when we met. Maybe I took the experience of age for the sign of intelligence, but once I had these experiences myself, I stopped learning from him. In fact, I stopped initiating interesting conversations with him. Again, we are probably of equal intelligence, and in many was he's a better person than I am, but I am not curious about his thoughts anymore.

Ah, yes. I had a boyfriend around that age (19/20) who was 8 years older than me and he just seemed soooo....worldy, smart, exciting, sophisticated. I then grew up a little bit and, yep, reality...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he was turning out to be less successful professionally than you thought he would be (like not being partner material), would you consider divorce? What if you were getting the impression that he was turning out to be more "beta" than "alpha" mail in professional or social situations?

My husband as been under or unemployed for the 7+ years I've known him. I knew he was "behind" professionally and financially when we met, but I thought he had potential. I'm not so sure anymore. The more time that goes by, the more resentful I feel towards him and myself -- that I made such a poor choice in a partner.

DH is a terrific father to our toddler, he does more than his share of household upkeep, and he's one of the best persons I know in terms of character, generosity, integrity, etc. but all of this is overshadowed when I feel chronically stressed from the pressure of being the primary breadwinner. For this reason, I am no longer attracted to DH. I don't want or need a man to take care of me; I want a partnership where we are realizing our financial goals and dreams (college fund for DC, golden retirement, house, etc) together.

I feel lonely, depressed, and bleak about my future. I have no one to talk to about this, so I post anonymously on DCUM.

I feel exactly like what you wrote about 70% of the time. The rest of the time I'm so thankful to have a kind, generous, loving husband and father of my children. But that 70% feels pretty dark sometimes.

Add me to this group, and I'm not getting divorced. I married a man I thought was my equal and that we both wanted to work hard, pay off our student loans, and make a quiet life that minimized the rat race. Fast forward to him being unemployed for more than half of our marriage and me working 70+ hour weeks to pay for everything and having maybe 30 minutes a day to sit down. I pay for everything, and not because we agreed on it, but because he is always about to start looking for a job in "a couple of months." He is a great guy - good, kind, patient - and a solid, present father. He is an awful provider and an awful partner, though. Whatever OP's intentions, know that it isn't always black and white - winners and losers.

PP here (the first one). As selfish as this may sound...it's nice to here that I'm not alone!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he was turning out to be less successful professionally than you thought he would be (like not being partner material), would you consider divorce? What if you were getting the impression that he was turning out to be more "beta" than "alpha" mail in professional or social situations?

My husband as been under or unemployed for the 7+ years I've known him. I knew he was "behind" professionally and financially when we met, but I thought he had potential. I'm not so sure anymore. The more time that goes by, the more resentful I feel towards him and myself -- that I made such a poor choice in a partner.

DH is a terrific father to our toddler, he does more than his share of household upkeep, and he's one of the best persons I know in terms of character, generosity, integrity, etc. but all of this is overshadowed when I feel chronically stressed from the pressure of being the primary breadwinner. For this reason, I am no longer attracted to DH. I don't want or need a man to take care of me; I want a partnership where we are realizing our financial goals and dreams (college fund for DC, golden retirement, house, etc) together.

I feel lonely, depressed, and bleak about my future. I have no one to talk to about this, so I post anonymously on DCUM.

I feel exactly like what you wrote about 70% of the time. The rest of the time I'm so thankful to have a kind, generous, loving husband and father of my children. But that 70% feels pretty dark sometimes.

Add me to this group, and I'm not getting divorced. I married a man I thought was my equal and that we both wanted to work hard, pay off our student loans, and make a quiet life that minimized the rat race. Fast forward to him being unemployed for more than half of our marriage and me working 70+ hour weeks to pay for everything and having maybe 30 minutes a day to sit down. I pay for everything, and not because we agreed on it, but because he is always about to start looking for a job in "a couple of months." He is a great guy - good, kind, patient - and a solid, present father. He is an awful provider and an awful partner, though. Whatever OP's intentions, know that it isn't always black and white - winners and losers.

PP here (the first one). As selfish as this may sound...it's nice to here that I'm not alone!

Y'all don't need to work on your marriages. You need to work on your materialism. It's not your husband that is making you unhappy. It's your obsession with money and stuff. Get to a therapist's office as soon as you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he was turning out to be less successful professionally than you thought he would be (like not being partner material), would you consider divorce? What if you were getting the impression that he was turning out to be more "beta" than "alpha" mail in professional or social situations?

My husband as been under or unemployed for the 7+ years I've known him. I knew he was "behind" professionally and financially when we met, but I thought he had potential. I'm not so sure anymore. The more time that goes by, the more resentful I feel towards him and myself -- that I made such a poor choice in a partner.

DH is a terrific father to our toddler, he does more than his share of household upkeep, and he's one of the best persons I know in terms of character, generosity, integrity, etc. but all of this is overshadowed when I feel chronically stressed from the pressure of being the primary breadwinner. For this reason, I am no longer attracted to DH. I don't want or need a man to take care of me; I want a partnership where we are realizing our financial goals and dreams (college fund for DC, golden retirement, house, etc) together.

I feel lonely, depressed, and bleak about my future. I have no one to talk to about this, so I post anonymously on DCUM.

I feel exactly like what you wrote about 70% of the time. The rest of the time I'm so thankful to have a kind, generous, loving husband and father of my children. But that 70% feels pretty dark sometimes.

Add me to this group, and I'm not getting divorced. I married a man I thought was my equal and that we both wanted to work hard, pay off our student loans, and make a quiet life that minimized the rat race. Fast forward to him being unemployed for more than half of our marriage and me working 70+ hour weeks to pay for everything and having maybe 30 minutes a day to sit down. I pay for everything, and not because we agreed on it, but because he is always about to start looking for a job in "a couple of months." He is a great guy - good, kind, patient - and a solid, present father. He is an awful provider and an awful partner, though. Whatever OP's intentions, know that it isn't always black and white - winners and losers.

PP here (the first one). As selfish as this may sound...it's nice to here that I'm not alone!

Y'all don't need to work on your marriages. You need to work on your materialism. It's not your husband that is making you unhappy. It's your obsession with money and stuff. Get to a therapist's office as soon as you can.

I hope you're being snarky. As on of the PP's on this thread, my "materialism" includes paying the minimum payment on my DH's student loans, paying our mortgage on a small home, and paying for food and clothes. No vacations, no splurges, etc. My entire income is gone from basic expenses and our savings are slowly being depleted. Don't be another person who assumes the worst about people, as if the spouse is never actually the problem.

[Anonymous]

I was 20, he's 10 years older when we met. Maybe I took the experience of age for the sign of intelligence, but once I had these experiences myself, I stopped learning from him. In fact, I stopped initiating interesting conversations with him. Again, we are probably of equal intelligence, and in many was he's a better person than I am, but I am not curious about his thoughts anymore.

I don't mean this to sound shitty, but wasn't it a red flag that a 30 yo man was pursuing you two years out of high school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he was turning out to be less successful professionally than you thought he would be (like not being partner material), would you consider divorce? What if you were getting the impression that he was turning out to be more "beta" than "alpha" mail in professional or social situations?

My husband as been under or unemployed for the 7+ years I've known him. I knew he was "behind" professionally and financially when we met, but I thought he had potential. I'm not so sure anymore. The more time that goes by, the more resentful I feel towards him and myself -- that I made such a poor choice in a partner.

DH is a terrific father to our toddler, he does more than his share of household upkeep, and he's one of the best persons I know in terms of character, generosity, integrity, etc. but all of this is overshadowed when I feel chronically stressed from the pressure of being the primary breadwinner. For this reason, I am no longer attracted to DH. I don't want or need a man to take care of me; I want a partnership where we are realizing our financial goals and dreams (college fund for DC, golden retirement, house, etc) together.

I feel lonely, depressed, and bleak about my future. I have no one to talk to about this, so I post anonymously on DCUM.

I feel exactly like what you wrote about 70% of the time. The rest of the time I'm so thankful to have a kind, generous, loving husband and father of my children. But that 70% feels pretty dark sometimes.

Add me to this group, and I'm not getting divorced. I married a man I thought was my equal and that we both wanted to work hard, pay off our student loans, and make a quiet life that minimized the rat race. Fast forward to him being unemployed for more than half of our marriage and me working 70+ hour weeks to pay for everything and having maybe 30 minutes a day to sit down. I pay for everything, and not because we agreed on it, but because he is always about to start looking for a job in "a couple of months." He is a great guy - good, kind, patient - and a solid, present father. He is an awful provider and an awful partner, though. Whatever OP's intentions, know that it isn't always black and white - winners and losers.

PP here (the first one). As selfish as this may sound...it's nice to here that I'm not alone!

I'm in the same exact boat- I really could have written your post op word for word. Sometimes I feel so alone because none of my friends are in this situation so they don't understand how I feel or how stressed out I am. Sorry but no woman I know goes into a marriage expecting to be the breadwinner. I don't expect my husband to be the only breadwinner- I expect him to share the role with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I was 20, he's 10 years older when we met. Maybe I took the experience of age for the sign of intelligence, but once I had these experiences myself, I stopped learning from him. In fact, I stopped initiating interesting conversations with him. Again, we are probably of equal intelligence, and in many was he's a better person than I am, but I am not curious about his thoughts anymore.

I don't mean this to sound shitty, but wasn't it a red flag that a 30 yo man was pursuing you two years out of high school?

It was for my parents, not for me. Believe it or not, now in my 30s I see plenty of men my age dating much younger women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he was turning out to be less successful professionally than you thought he would be (like not being partner material), would you consider divorce? What if you were getting the impression that he was turning out to be more "beta" than "alpha" mail in professional or social situations?

I think someone who doesn't know the difference between "mail" and "male" shouldn't have so much judgement

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I was 20, he's 10 years older when we met. Maybe I took the experience of age for the sign of intelligence, but once I had these experiences myself, I stopped learning from him. In fact, I stopped initiating interesting conversations with him. Again, we are probably of equal intelligence, and in many was he's a better person than I am, but I am not curious about his thoughts anymore.

I don't mean this to sound shitty, but wasn't it a red flag that a 30 yo man was pursuing you two years out of high school?

It was for my parents, not for me. Believe it or not, now in my 30s I see plenty of men my age dating much younger women.

Yup. I work in a lucrative field and many wives/girlfriends and young. Many older men also are trading in their older wives for young ones. Very common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he was turning out to be less successful professionally than you thought he would be (like not being partner material), would you consider divorce? What if you were getting the impression that he was turning out to be more "beta" than "alpha" mail in professional or social situations?

I think someone who doesn't know the difference between "mail" and "male" shouldn't have so much judgement

I think you mean "judgment."

You should be careful, living in that glass house of yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I was 20, he's 10 years older when we met. Maybe I took the experience of age for the sign of intelligence, but once I had these experiences myself, I stopped learning from him. In fact, I stopped initiating interesting conversations with him. Again, we are probably of equal intelligence, and in many was he's a better person than I am, but I am not curious about his thoughts anymore.

I don't mean this to sound shitty, but wasn't it a red flag that a 30 yo man was pursuing you two years out of high school?

Not the PP. But the older guy who pursued me when I was a year out of HS lied about his age at first - told me he was 3 years younger than he really was, which would have put him mid 20's. He was very persistent and I finally relented and went out w/him. By the time he admitted his real age to me we had been dating for (6?) months...and already pretty heavily involved. He told me that he felt bad about being dishonest about his age but figured I never would have gone out with him if I had known the truth. I thought I was dating a grad student, turned out he was an older undergrad...so more than a few lies there. And, yep, I kept seeing him even after he came clean about it all.

Not saying that all or even most older guys lie about these things but that is why there were no "red flags" in my situation with regard to age, at least not at first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me, the morphing of a 'winner' into a beta that had setback after setback. Over the course of 15 years or so.

I was prepared to stick it out, come whatever may, because I actually believed in the vows I took. Call me old-fashioned. Also, a change in health status seemed to play a part, and I felt bad for him. Still, it was really hard to watch a C-level guy with so. much. potential. slip into a professional near-failure. But I kept silent and was supportive, helpful, and tried to be kind.

Here's the weird part: he turned on ME. Everything that happened to him, it turns out, was my fault. I wasn't an enthusiastic enough sex partner. I didn't spend enough time on my appearance. I didn't contribute enough to the HHI. I was "lazy." I was a hick. I was pedantic. I was negative. I was fat. I was entitled. My family was stupid and fat and entitled.

So, we went our separate ways. My compassion and support is completely gone, as you might suspect.

This is interesting and worthy of a separate thread. People you coddle, put up with, etc…and in the end they dump YOU. I had this happen with a longtime girlfriend (from high school through my late 30s). Super-high-maintenance. Was such an eye-opener when after years of placating her and dealing with her paranoias and moods, that she dumped me.

I had an aunt who was married to a man who did EVERYTHING for her. She sat around and whined, basically. He dropped dead about 6 years ago while carrying her suitcases. About two years ago, she was visiting, and unleashed a torrent of anger about "how dare he die on her" and how she hated him for that. Just couldn't believe my ears; no gratitude for the years of his service; just hostility that the service was stopped.

[Anonymous]

This is like asking a man whether he would divorce his wife if she gained weight or developed a loose vag.