If you decided your husband was no longer "winner" material, would you divorce him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has far exceeded my expectations for his earning potential (he makes $425k, and I would have expected about $100k). Obviously, we could live quite comfortably on his salary alone, but I choose to keep my job ($120k) because it is nice to have a back up plan.

What I would love to know is where do these people get these incredibly high paying jobs? Are there really that many people making so much or is DCUM a bubble?

Sales. And 425k makes you kind of a loser sales rep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has far exceeded my expectations for his earning potential (he makes $425k, and I would have expected about $100k). Obviously, we could live quite comfortably on his salary alone, but I choose to keep my job ($120k) because it is nice to have a back up plan.

What I would love to know is where do these people get these incredibly high paying jobs? Are there really that many people making so much or is DCUM a bubble?

Sales. And 425k makes you kind of a loser sales rep.

Selling -- what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has far exceeded my expectations for his earning potential (he makes $425k, and I would have expected about $100k). Obviously, we could live quite comfortably on his salary alone, but I choose to keep my job ($120k) because it is nice to have a back up plan.

What I would love to know is where do these people get these incredibly high paying jobs? Are there really that many people making so much or is DCUM a bubble?

Sales. And 425k makes you kind of a loser sales rep.

It never ceases to amaze me how some people go out of their way to be as nasty as possible!

[Anonymous]

When I met my husband, we were seniors in college. He was a dirt poor single dad (due to an oops! college dorm hook up pregnancy).

I hope your "oops" stepson/daughter has acquired more of a personal role in your life than this description suggests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

When I met my husband, we were seniors in college. He was a dirt poor single dad (due to an oops! college dorm hook up pregnancy).

I hope your "oops" stepson/daughter has acquired more of a personal role in your life than this description suggests.

Nice try. She is a very big part of our lives. But you're kind of a bitch!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

When I met my husband, we were seniors in college. He was a dirt poor single dad (due to an oops! college dorm hook up pregnancy).

I hope your "oops" stepson/daughter has acquired more of a personal role in your life than this description suggests.

Nice try. She is a very big part of our lives. But you're kind of a bitch!

Poster with the "oops" pregnancy husband. He actually sounds like a really good man. Seems he took responsibility for his child conceived in a casual relationship. Many men would have walked away from the situation. You have a decent DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he was turning out to be less successful professionally than you thought he would be (like not being partner material), would you consider divorce? What if you were getting the impression that he was turning out to be more "beta" than "alpha" mail in professional or social situations?

I think someone who doesn't know the difference between "mail" and "male" shouldn't have so much judgement

I think you mean "judgment."

You should be careful, living in that glass house of yours.

Judgement is an acceptable spelling for what you refer to as the word "judgment."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a favorite Ronald Reagan and Nancy Reagan story. It could be completely fictional - but here goes -

President Reagan and Nancy Reagan were campaigning for his 2nd term. They visited Nancy's hometown on the campaign trail. A carpenter came and said hello to them. He had dated Nancy when she was young. Afterwards, Reagan teased her, "If you would have married him, you would have been the wife of a carpenter!". She replied , "No, if I would have married him, he would have been the President!"

You contribute to your husband's success. Behind every successful man is a woman , and vice versa. So, ladies, if he has been downgraded because he is no longer a "winner", then you have been downgraded as well. It is a partnership. Together you decide on what your goals are, and together you achieve it. You fail or succeed as a couple. You aim high, low or opt out of the rat-race as a couple as well. And you decide what you think is worth pursuing - as a couple!

That story is used for every US President. In Bill Clinton's case, it was a gas station mechanic that HRC would have married instead of Bill. Similar story about the Obamas. Not to derail the thread, but I think Bush started that stupid line exchanged between world leaders when they say something like: "I married up when I married Laura and she married down." UGH, UGH and UGH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me, the morphing of a 'winner' into a beta that had setback after setback. Over the course of 15 years or so.

I was prepared to stick it out, come whatever may, because I actually believed in the vows I took. Call me old-fashioned. Also, a change in health status seemed to play a part, and I felt bad for him. Still, it was really hard to watch a C-level guy with so. much. potential. slip into a professional near-failure. But I kept silent and was supportive, helpful, and tried to be kind.

Here's the weird part: he turned on ME. Everything that happened to him, it turns out, was my fault. I wasn't an enthusiastic enough sex partner. I didn't spend enough time on my appearance. I didn't contribute enough to the HHI. I was "lazy." I was a hick. I was pedantic. I was negative. I was fat. I was entitled. My family was stupid and fat and entitled.

So, we went our separate ways. My compassion and support is completely gone, as you might suspect.

+1
This happened to me too. He walked out. We are now trying to work it out - mostly for the kids' sake, but I don't have high hopes. Mostly I feel like an idiot.

Me too! It's oddly comforting to hear that others have gone through this, although I am sorry for all of us. He didn't walk out, thought. I watched my husband run his career completely into the ground, and listened all the while to how it was always someone else's fault- his boss was discriminating against him because of his nationality, his paper wasn't published because they sent it to his rival to review, a colleague was out to get his job and steal his duties, another colleague was fudging numbers and trying to blame him, and on and on and on. After 5 years of this it started to become my fault- I'm not loving enough, supportive enough, didn't have sex with him enough, was too negative and anxious. Well I am anxious because he is unemployed and we had to move in with my parents and he continues to accrue credit card debt at the rate of $1000-2000/mo!

I too have been trying to work it out for the kids' sake, but I have no love or respect or trust left for him. He wants me to be madly in love with him and says I only care about money. After months of counseling I feel we can't communicate at all and there is no hope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he was turning out to be less successful professionally than you thought he would be (like not being partner material), would you consider divorce? What if you were getting the impression that he was turning out to be more "beta" than "alpha" mail in professional or social situations?

My husband as been under or unemployed for the 7+ years I've known him. I knew he was "behind" professionally and financially when we met, but I thought he had potential. I'm not so sure anymore. The more time that goes by, the more resentful I feel towards him and myself -- that I made such a poor choice in a partner.

DH is a terrific father to our toddler, he does more than his share of household upkeep, and he's one of the best persons I know in terms of character, generosity, integrity, etc. but all of this is overshadowed when I feel chronically stressed from the pressure of being the primary breadwinner. For this reason, I am no longer attracted to DH. I don't want or need a man to take care of me; I want a partnership where we are realizing our financial goals and dreams (college fund for DC, golden retirement, house, etc) together.

I feel lonely, depressed, and bleak about my future. I have no one to talk to about this, so I post anonymously on DCUM.

Change your gender and you be just as many of us Dads are with SAHMs who can't, won't or don't want to find a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

When I met my husband, we were seniors in college. He was a dirt poor single dad (due to an oops! college dorm hook up pregnancy).

I hope your "oops" stepson/daughter has acquired more of a personal role in your life than this description suggests.

Nice try. She is a very big part of our lives. But you're kind of a bitch!

Poster with the "oops" pregnancy husband. He actually sounds like a really good man. Seems he took responsibility for his child conceived in a casual relationship. Many men would have walked away from the situation. You have a decent DH.

Thank you, PP. The point of my mentioning it was that his prospects, as a teenage parent, were not very bright. It seemed to make sense in the context of this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I view a partnership as fluid. There were no "rules" for us as far a earning potential goes.

-I had my first child and thought I wanted to go back to work. Baby came and I could not part with my baby. Though it was financially tough, my DH fully supported my desire to be at home. WE scaled back and made it work.
-I returned to work after 2 years because I felt OK leaving my child and was feeling more confident as a mother. My income quickly ramped up.
-After me working for a few years, my DHs job got miserable. THe poor man was so stressed out. He hated his job, his boss, he got backstabbed and went into a very dark place. It tore me apart to see my DH so miserable, but his sense of duty kept him going. Once day I could no longer see my DH suffer. I said FUCK THEM. Go in tomorrow and quit. Tell them you are the fuck out of there. He was shocked. He never considered quitting, he was "the man". However, my man's job was killing him. The next Monday he rolled in and put in his 2 weeks. It was such a relief. He took a month off from work, banged out a bunch of projects and really recharged himself. I was so proud and happy to give my DH the opportunity to walk away from his job and to carry the family for awhile while he recovered and found happiness again. He was back to work at a new 8 weeks after quitting.
-Now, I'm considering taking a "break" and starting my own business. For that my DH will have to carry the load while I get on my feet. He fully supports me.

So again, I do not see these roles are ridgid. They are fluid and we adapt as life happens.

I am jealous. My DH would turn into a panic-stricken puddle if I SAHM'd. I have 2 under 3, and work a lot. I miss both my babies terribly sometimes.

DH currently hates his job and wants to take an undefined "break." It sounds like the two of you are on the same wavelength. I thought we were too, but am realizing that we are not.

Facing our 10 year anniversary and am very unhappy right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a favorite Ronald Reagan and Nancy Reagan story. It could be completely fictional - but here goes -

President Reagan and Nancy Reagan were campaigning for his 2nd term. They visited Nancy's hometown on the campaign trail. A carpenter came and said hello to them. He had dated Nancy when she was young. Afterwards, Reagan teased her, "If you would have married him, you would have been the wife of a carpenter!". She replied , "No, if I would have married him, he would have been the President!"

You contribute to your husband's success. Behind every successful man is a woman , and vice versa. So, ladies, if he has been downgraded because he is no longer a "winner", then you have been downgraded as well. It is a partnership. Together you decide on what your goals are, and together you achieve it. You fail or succeed as a couple. You aim high, low or opt out of the rat-race as a couple as well. And you decide what you think is worth pursuing - as a couple!

You mean to say, "If you had married him" - not "if you would have married him."

http://www.elearnenglishlanguage.com/blog/english-mistakes/if-i-would-have/

No, I mean to say exactly what I wrote. However, if it annoys you - I am very pleased. In fact, now I think I should post in as many threads as I can so that you are constantly annoyed!

And, the beauty of this exercise is that Jeff is not the grammar police, so he will not delete it!

Jackpot!!

I don't think the poster was "annoyed" she was just correcting you. Of course you meant to type what you wrote, you didn't know the correct way otherwise. Your snarky response wasn't the "gotcha"you think it is...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he was turning out to be less successful professionally than you thought he would be (like not being partner material), would you consider divorce? What if you were getting the impression that he was turning out to be more "beta" than "alpha" mail in professional or social situations?

My husband as been under or unemployed for the 7+ years I've known him. I knew he was "behind" professionally and financially when we met, but I thought he had potential. I'm not so sure anymore. The more time that goes by, the more resentful I feel towards him and myself -- that I made such a poor choice in a partner.

DH is a terrific father to our toddler, he does more than his share of household upkeep, and he's one of the best persons I know in terms of character, generosity, integrity, etc. but all of this is overshadowed when I feel chronically stressed from the pressure of being the primary breadwinner. For this reason, I am no longer attracted to DH. I don't want or need a man to take care of me; I want a partnership where we are realizing our financial goals and dreams (college fund for DC, golden retirement, house, etc) together.

I feel lonely, depressed, and bleak about my future. I have no one to talk to about this, so I post anonymously on DCUM.

Change your gender and you be just as many of us Dads are with SAHMs who can't, won't or don't want to find a job.

One of the PPs in this boat, and I've often wondered if husbands of SAHMs that didn't originally plan to be SAHMs felt this way. I never hear men talk about the stress and pressure of being the breadwinner; instead, they seem somewhat relieved not to be stuck at home. As a woman, coupled with my very maternal desire to be with my kids, I find it overwhelming but was never sure that any men felt the same way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

When I met my husband, we were seniors in college. He was a dirt poor single dad (due to an oops! college dorm hook up pregnancy).

I hope your "oops" stepson/daughter has acquired more of a personal role in your life than this description suggests.

Nice try. She is a very big part of our lives. But you're kind of a bitch!

Poster with the "oops" pregnancy husband. He actually sounds like a really good man. Seems he took responsibility for his child conceived in a casual relationship. Many men would have walked away from the situation. You have a decent DH.

Thank you, PP. The point of my mentioning it was that his prospects, as a teenage parent, were not very bright. It seemed to make sense in the context of this thread.

Wasn't "trying" anything, PP. Your description of the kid stands out. He/she is likely an older teen at this point with whom you share a good deal of history; referencing that kid as an accident due to a hook-up doesn't suggest that.

Also very glad that your DH stepped up to the plate, but that's what parents who conceive a child do. Statistics aside, we've really lowered the bar for decency if we're going to call this behavior extraordinary.