If you decided your husband was no longer "winner" material, would you divorce him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me, the morphing of a 'winner' into a beta that had setback after setback. Over the course of 15 years or so.

I was prepared to stick it out, come whatever may, because I actually believed in the vows I took. Call me old-fashioned. Also, a change in health status seemed to play a part, and I felt bad for him. Still, it was really hard to watch a C-level guy with so. much. potential. slip into a professional near-failure. But I kept silent and was supportive, helpful, and tried to be kind.

Here's the weird part: he turned on ME. Everything that happened to him, it turns out, was my fault. I wasn't an enthusiastic enough sex partner. I didn't spend enough time on my appearance. I didn't contribute enough to the HHI. I was "lazy." I was a hick. I was pedantic. I was negative. I was fat. I was entitled. My family was stupid and fat and entitled.

So, we went our separate ways. My compassion and support is completely gone, as you might suspect.

I have seen this in other cases, too. I hope that your life is better now.

[Anonymous]

If I were your husband, I would want you to divorce me so that I would be able to get away from a gold digger and find some one who actually cared about me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me, the morphing of a 'winner' into a beta that had setback after setback. Over the course of 15 years or so.

I was prepared to stick it out, come whatever may, because I actually believed in the vows I took. Call me old-fashioned. Also, a change in health status seemed to play a part, and I felt bad for him. Still, it was really hard to watch a C-level guy with so. much. potential. slip into a professional near-failure. But I kept silent and was supportive, helpful, and tried to be kind.

Here's the weird part: he turned on ME. Everything that happened to him, it turns out, was my fault. I wasn't an enthusiastic enough sex partner. I didn't spend enough time on my appearance. I didn't contribute enough to the HHI. I was "lazy." I was a hick. I was pedantic. I was negative. I was fat. I was entitled. My family was stupid and fat and entitled.

So, we went our separate ways. My compassion and support is completely gone, as you might suspect.

I have seen this in other cases, too. I hope that your life is better now.

Yes because these woman are being used by their DH. Same with 18:02 -- good thing you are able to make a living while your DH can relax knowing you "take your vows seriously." He is a user. That's not love on his part.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, no. What kind of person would do that?

[Anonymous]

I married a real man not some sorry pussy.

[Anonymous]

No! My husband and I have both changed a lot over the time we have known each other (18 years) and been married (9 years.) I still love him and he me. It's not the same relationship it was when we were young and childless - but it's still a great one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me, the morphing of a 'winner' into a beta that had setback after setback. Over the course of 15 years or so.

I was prepared to stick it out, come whatever may, because I actually believed in the vows I took. Call me old-fashioned. Also, a change in health status seemed to play a part, and I felt bad for him. Still, it was really hard to watch a C-level guy with so. much. potential. slip into a professional near-failure. But I kept silent and was supportive, helpful, and tried to be kind.

Here's the weird part: he turned on ME. Everything that happened to him, it turns out, was my fault. I wasn't an enthusiastic enough sex partner. I didn't spend enough time on my appearance. I didn't contribute enough to the HHI. I was "lazy." I was a hick. I was pedantic. I was negative. I was fat. I was entitled. My family was stupid and fat and entitled.

So, we went our separate ways. My compassion and support is completely gone, as you might suspect.

I'm sure you know, that's its clear why he was such a professional failure. What he did to you - he likely did to his career. Shot himself in the foot. Glad you aren't with such a poisonous person anymore.

[Anonymous]

My husband is not ambitious, yet he has taken steps to increase his earning power since realizing how expensive this area and kids are. That said, when we married, I knew his planned career path and earning potential.

If I decide to step back and no longer be partner track, then we'll have some serious discussions about where we can afford to live and at what lifestyle. But that's a decision we'd make together. I think he'd be ok with it because he is less materialistic than a I am.

[Anonymous]

DH has never realized his max potential because of his ADD/Asperger's.

I knew there was this possibility when I married him and I am glad that he can be around a lot more thanks to his low-key, second-tier job.

I miss the money he could have made, but since we muddle along with our budget, believe the compensations such as more time and less stress, make us perfectly content.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, I take my vows seriously. But if I had it to do all over again, then who knows? I can't see myself choosing someone for their status or earning potential, but I have a husband who is a great guy in all respects other than being a miserable (as in makes almost no money) provider. We make it work, but not gonna lie -- I would think twice if I knew then what I know now.

What does he do for work?

Does it bother him that he makes almost no money?

[Anonymous]

Can I divorce my wife if she never loses the baby weight? That sounds about as shallow as what OP is proposing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he was turning out to be less successful professionally than you thought he would be (like not being partner material), would you consider divorce? What if you were getting the impression that he was turning out to be more "beta" than "alpha" mail in professional or social situations?

Are you the character played by Kelly Preston in Jerry Maguire?

[Anonymous]

I've been married 9 years and realized around year 6 that dh was not going to achieve as high an earning level as I once thought he would. However, that didn't change my feelings about him or decide to leave him, it just made me reset my expectations as far as our standard of living.

That said, there have been times where I was doing more work than him, working part-time at night when he wasn't, and I resented that quite a bit.

Also, why do you think divorcing is such a great idea? Your prime years of gold-digging are most likely behind you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, I take my vows seriously. But if I had it to do all over again, then who knows? I can't see myself choosing someone for their status or earning potential, but I have a husband who is a great guy in all respects other than being a miserable (as in makes almost no money) provider. We make it work, but not gonna lie -- I would think twice if I knew then what I know now.

What does he do for work?

Does it bother him that he makes almost no money?

Self employed, tech field. I'd rather not say exactly what, but he's good at the work but not good with promoting himself and hustling for business. Also, he suffers from anxiety and is a perfectionist, which has held him back.

Yes, it is a source of pain for him. He made some poor career choices, mostly due to anxiety and low self-esteem. He's come a long way with those issues, but in some ways there's no turning back at this point. He is an awesome father, very supportive of my career and a caring partner. We take the good with the bad. I have a good career and we manage on primarily my salary. It has been a struggle to make ends meet at times, but things are easier now for us.

[Anonymous]

No, as long as he didn't turn into a miserable SOB like the pp's husband , I'd (or I would like to believe, at least) be fine. If he lost his job and became a SAHD, that would be great. I don't see that as him being a 'user' at all. IMO, SAHMs aren't users.

I'm a lot less materialistic than he is, though, so I doubt *he* would be ok with such a scenario.