WWYD? We hate the name of our foster-to-adopt child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you're over thinking the name problem.

I'm an adoptive mom, and we did give our child an American name. But she was an infant, not a 4-yr-old, & we kept her birth name as a middle name.

However, in the DC area, the diversity of names in schools is incredible; I can almost guarantee your daughter will not stand out among her school peers.

Also, on the hiring side, my workplace has a call center that mostly hires young women straight out of college, and there've been more "stripper names" than I can count. They're just so common among young people today, you'd eliminate too much of the hiring pool.

If you don't like to say her name, come up with a nickname you like. (I love my daughters name, but I call her something else half the time, anyway.)

Also, other posters are correct: you really need to get over your distaste for her mom's background. Really. She needs to feel like you respect her origins, not like it's a taint you're saving her from.

Perhaps it is hoped that this child will do more with her life than simply work in a call center.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, most of these posters are giving advice from fantasy land. They cannot be for real. They don't sound like they have much real life experience. Do what you think is best for your new daughter. I would change the name.

Um, I'm not giving advice from fantasy land, thank you very much, asshole. I am also about to adopt a 5 year old from foster care, and every therapist I've talked to has said that changing her first name is absolutely not an option. We let her pick a middle name - she was able to choose from something very similar to her current middle name, my maiden name or bio-grandma's name. Therapist advised the controlled choice, because children being adopted from foster care have no choice or control over ANYTHING in their lives.

I agree with PPs that you can give the kid your preferred middle name and if SHE feels embarrassed by her name when she gets older name understands prejudice, etc., she can change it herself. I don't understand PPs who are like, but she'll never get a job! Um, by then, she will be an adult who can make her own choices about her name.

Don't take away the child's identity. Get a snappy one liner for when people are rude - it happens to us on a daily basis. It is so horribly rude to comment on a child's name like that's, and I'm sorry people are so shitty. Your daughter needs to know that you are not embarrassed. If she thinks that you think her bio mom is bad (even just for the bad name choice) she will think that she must be bad too, because she came from bio-mom.

Nice that you can call someone an asshole on a public forum and you think it's okay because you are a foster mom about to adopt. I actually did adopt my foster children and did change their names. Not sure where you are but where we are in the DC burbs it is not unusual at all. I was asked by the social worker if I had decided on names yet. I did not "take away their identities." Oh brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, most of these posters are giving advice from fantasy land. They cannot be for real. They don't sound like they have much real life experience. Do what you think is best for your new daughter. I would change the name.

Um, I'm not giving advice from fantasy land, thank you very much, asshole. I am also about to adopt a 5 year old from foster care, and every therapist I've talked to has said that changing her first name is absolutely not an option. We let her pick a middle name - she was able to choose from something very similar to her current middle name, my maiden name or bio-grandma's name. Therapist advised the controlled choice, because children being adopted from foster care have no choice or control over ANYTHING in their lives.

I agree with PPs that you can give the kid your preferred middle name and if SHE feels embarrassed by her name when she gets older name understands prejudice, etc., she can change it herself. I don't understand PPs who are like, but she'll never get a job! Um, by then, she will be an adult who can make her own choices about her name.

Don't take away the child's identity. Get a snappy one liner for when people are rude - it happens to us on a daily basis. It is so horribly rude to comment on a child's name like that's, and I'm sorry people are so shitty. Your daughter needs to know that you are not embarrassed. If she thinks that you think her bio mom is bad (even just for the bad name choice) she will think that she must be bad too, because she came from bio-mom.

Nice that you can call someone an asshole on a public forum and you think it's okay because you are a foster mom about to adopt. I actually did adopt my foster children and did change their names. Not sure where you are but where we are in the DC burbs it is not unusual at all. I was asked by the social worker if I had decided on names yet. I did not "take away their identities." Oh brother.

PP again. Forgot to comment on this in previous post:

"it happens to us on a daily basis. It is so horribly rude to comment on a child's name like that's, and I'm sorry people are so shitty" \

This is exactly why any normal person would change the name. Why subject the child to this so that you can have a holier-than-thou attitude of acceptance? It's only their name, not their identity -- but to you it is a badge that you are accepting. The negative experience this child will have growing up with their given name, which you freely acknowledge, has to be considered too. Sounds warping to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you're over thinking the name problem.

I'm an adoptive mom, and we did give our child an American name. But she was an infant, not a 4-yr-old, & we kept her birth name as a middle name.

However, in the DC area, the diversity of names in schools is incredible; I can almost guarantee your daughter will not stand out among her school peers.

Also, on the hiring side, my workplace has a call center that mostly hires young women straight out of college, and there've been more "stripper names" than I can count. They're just so common among young people today, you'd eliminate too much of the hiring pool.

If you don't like to say her name, come up with a nickname you like. (I love my daughters name, but I call her something else half the time, anyway.)

Also, other posters are correct: you really need to get over your distaste for her mom's background. Really. She needs to feel like you respect her origins, not like it's a taint you're saving her from.

She has already been saved from her origins since she was placed in fostercare and her biological parents rights were terminated so she could be available for adoption.

[Anonymous]

While I don't think you should change her name, I think you would be fine to normalize the spelling (of both the first and middle names) if applicable. Changing Mystee to Misty can make a world of difference.

You say there's no simple nickname for her name, but almost every letter of the alphabet has a corresponding diminutive nickname. Bea, Cece, Dee, Fi, Gigi, Jay, Kay, Elle, Em etc. If her name does happen to be one of the few letters that doesn't have a nice diminutive, then I'd suggest just calling her by initials.

[Anonymous]

My adoptive mom changed my name. I like her choice but I would have liked to have my birth name as a middle name. It's just a more accurate representation of who I am. I have two moms and they both matter to me.

I also agree that having a name that is associated with a low socio-economic status could have terrible lifelong consequences. There are tons of studies showing the prejudice against certain names in employment and hiring. This is not just an identity issue. It's about whether or not she'll be prevented from getting a good job.

Because of this, I would absolutely change her first name. Make her first name her middle name. Agree with pps that the best way to do it is slowly. Start by calling her both names, then switch to just the single name when she hits school.

Also, however, agree with the pps that you need a serious attitude adjustment about her first mom. She clearly struggled with some powerful demons but that doesn't make her a terrible person and it's bad for you to convey that to your DD. Your DD won't love you any less if she's taught that her first mom was a good, but flawed, person. In fact, it will help her enormously. It's not good for her identity to think she comes from a crackwhore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My adoptive mom changed my name. I like her choice but I would have liked to have my birth name as a middle name. It's just a more accurate representation of who I am. I have two moms and they both matter to me.

I also agree that having a name that is associated with a low socio-economic status could have terrible lifelong consequences. There are tons of studies showing the prejudice against certain names in employment and hiring. This is not just an identity issue. It's about whether or not she'll be prevented from getting a good job.

Because of this, I would absolutely change her first name. Make her first name her middle name. Agree with pps that the best way to do it is slowly. Start by calling her both names, then switch to just the single name when she hits school.

Also, however, agree with the pps that you need a serious attitude adjustment about her first mom. She clearly struggled with some powerful demons but that doesn't make her a terrible person and it's bad for you to convey that to your DD. Your DD won't love you any less if she's taught that her first mom was a good, but flawed, person. In fact, it will help her enormously. It's not good for her identity to think she comes from a crackwhore.

OP here. Thank you. Foster-DD has both an atrocious first and middle name, so I guess we will give her a second middle name so she can choose to use that. I highly doubt we'll be talking much about her birth mother, but I will not lie - she was most certainly not a good person. To be honest, I am surprised at how many posters here think I would speak the same way in front of or to a 4 year old the same way I would to anonymous adults. Obviously I will not tell her "Your birth mommy was a crackwhore, and in the white trash world she lived in, it was trendy to give babies stripper names." She has zero memory of her birth mother. I will try to remember to update this thread after the adoption is final and let you know the name.

[Anonymous]

Lose the atrocious middle name, normalize the spelling of her first name as much as possible and make it the middle. You can get away with a lot in middle names. Ava Crystal, Eleanor Jasmine, Ann Tiffany... All seem workable to me.

I understand it that you can't offer of the actual name given the forum, but I'm dead curious. I love names. They're so important, and convey so much. Don't let your daughter be saddled with a name that goes with her past but not her present.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My adoptive mom changed my name. I like her choice but I would have liked to have my birth name as a middle name. It's just a more accurate representation of who I am. I have two moms and they both matter to me.

I also agree that having a name that is associated with a low socio-economic status could have terrible lifelong consequences. There are tons of studies showing the prejudice against certain names in employment and hiring. This is not just an identity issue. It's about whether or not she'll be prevented from getting a good job.

Because of this, I would absolutely change her first name. Make her first name her middle name. Agree with pps that the best way to do it is slowly. Start by calling her both names, then switch to just the single name when she hits school.

Also, however, agree with the pps that you need a serious attitude adjustment about her first mom. She clearly struggled with some powerful demons but that doesn't make her a terrible person and it's bad for you to convey that to your DD. Your DD won't love you any less if she's taught that her first mom was a good, but flawed, person. In fact, it will help her enormously. It's not good for her identity to think she comes from a crackwhore.

OP here. Thank you. Foster-DD has both an atrocious first and middle name, so I guess we will give her a second middle name so she can choose to use that. I highly doubt we'll be talking much about her birth mother, but I will not lie - she was most certainly not a good person. To be honest, I am surprised at how many posters here think I would speak the same way in front of or to a 4 year old the same way I would to anonymous adults. Obviously I will not tell her "Your birth mommy was a crackwhore, and in the white trash world she lived in, it was trendy to give babies stripper names." She has zero memory of her birth mother. I will try to remember to update this thread after the adoption is final and let you know the name.

Adoptee here. Respectfully, I did not literally mean you would use the term crackwhore. I meant that you would find nothing redeeming in the first mother to share with your DD. Zero memories or not - I have none - you need to find something GOOD about this woman. You simply must. If you do not, every time your DD has a failure in life she is going to wonder if it is her "tainted" DNA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Change the name legally if it is so bad that DH's boss actually made that comment. Not fair to leave her stranded with a name that elicits that reaction. Give her a nickname derivative of her birth name and segueway to that in terms of usage.

and FWIW, I adopted older children in intl adoption and did NOT change their names. In my case, the kids decided ---with absolutely no prompting from us--to "Americanize" their names on their own ---it actually took me some time to get used to calling them by the name they wanted. So I am all about leaving the name alone but the reaction from DH's boss convinced me otherwise in your case.

Agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lose the atrocious middle name, normalize the spelling of her first name as much as possible and make it the middle. You can get away with a lot in middle names. Ava Crystal, Eleanor Jasmine, Ann Tiffany... All seem workable to me.

I understand it that you can't offer of the actual name given the forum, but I'm dead curious. I love names. They're so important, and convey so much. Don't let your daughter be saddled with a name that goes with her past but not her present.

Crystal Jasmine and Tiffany may not be British royalty but they are acceptable names. If those are the types of names OP associates with stripper then perhaps shes just a snob.

[Anonymous]

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2013/apr/06/adopting-baby-from-china-julia-sweeney

I am not sure if this was the essay I was looking for but Julia Sweeney has a very funny essay about how she tried to change her adoptive child's name but it didn't work so now she has embraced her original name of Mulan - like the move! (as Julia now says)

[Anonymous]

My parents adopted one of my siblings out of foster care. When they brought her home, they gave her a double letter nickname - think like Deedee or CiCi. I believe that she came to them at 1 or 2, but the adoption wasn't final until she was older. When she was adopted, they gave her new first and middle names to match the nickname. Her biological family was full of a lot if violence and upset, so I always thought my parents' strategy was kind if sweet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lose the atrocious middle name, normalize the spelling of her first name as much as possible and make it the middle. You can get away with a lot in middle names. Ava Crystal, Eleanor Jasmine, Ann Tiffany... All seem workable to me.

I understand it that you can't offer of the actual name given the forum, but I'm dead curious. I love names. They're so important, and convey so much. Don't let your daughter be saddled with a name that goes with her past but not her present.

Crystal Jasmine and Tiffany may not be British royalty but they are acceptable names. If those are the types of names OP associates with stripper then perhaps shes just a snob.

Well, those were my examples, not OPs. And I was rather assuming that it was Krystalle, Jazzmyn and Tiffannee. But it's been ages since I went to a strip joint, I admit. What names do YOU think of as stripper names?

[Anonymous]

13:55 again - I'm also adopted, but as a newborn so the only name I ever had was the one my adopted parents gave me. But as an adoptee, I always appreciated that my parents never spoke ill of my biological family - that admittedly would fit the definition if 'white trash.' My biological mother had a lot of issues - she was very young when she had me, unstable, addiction problems, etc. My adoptive parents, especially my mother, always encouraged me not to judge and to try to be understanding. As an adult, I appreciate that I can think about my biological family without a lot of baggage.

OP, no one is telling you not to be honest, but you seem to have a lot of judgement towards your child's background. It's easy for kids who have been adopted to feel like there was something wrong with them, so that's why they were given up. I think in your case, you should work on building some sympathy for the birth mother. Even if she's a 'crack whore' - you truly don't know how she ended up where she did. And hey, you get a wonderful opportunity to adopt a child out or the deal. A little understanding, or at least less animosity, would go a long way for you and your child.