I have a sexless and loveless marriage. Ask me anything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:\
I feel like my only way out is if I get sick and die. Divorce would devastate our 14, 11 and 8 year old. They love their father because he shows up and it's good times all around. But I'm done. I'm desperately unhappy. But trapped. If I die, then they would be sad, but wouldn't have the specter of their mother leaving their beloved father. Can't afford therapy right now - paying for the kids therapists and meds is tapping out all discretionary income. It's just a shitty situation and I truly don't see a way out except pulling myself up and doing things that make me "happy". Which is not quite what I envisioned for myself. I could've stayed single for that.

And no, I didn't know DH was ADD before we were married.

FML. And happy fucking anniversary to us.

I have so walked in your shoes. I must give you an assignment: tell your husband you will be going away for four days. Tell him don't ask and tell him to take care of the kids. Don't apologize. Don't make meals for the freezer. Don't do extra laundry so they're all set. Just go with as little notice as seems absolutely necessary. You HAVE to clear your head and they will survive even if he doesn't feed them. Go stay with your aunt, sister brother or go stay at a Motel 6 in the poconos. Just go. Please. Your family needs to know you are not a doormat; and they will be better off for it. When you get back he will be angry but stand tall - you needed it. With the perspective you gain, you may realize what your next steps should be.

Oh please do this PP. Get the hell out for a long weekend and turn off your phone.

This is a sad thread. My DH died a few years ago and I am raising our DS alone. My job is demanding and I often feel tired and burnt out. But other than right after DH's death, I have never felt as down as OP and PP express. I think there truly is no harder type of loneliness than feeling abandoned by the person who should love you most.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:2 lovely kids, marriage is miserable. Ask me anything

I can help you with this.
I work with women everyday in their relationships.

It's totally unhealthy and you can make the change & feel empowered.

<3 SR

[Anonymous]

Why do people keep having kids with losers?

[Anonymous]

Well, in my case he wasn't such a loser when we got married. And things got progressively worse as the kids got older. More responsibilities, more accountability, etc.

I'm not an idiot, I would not have married him if I'd known this was how it was going to be.

[Anonymous]

oh man. i am so in this boat too. i honestly can't remember the last time we had sex... i think maybe 4 times in the past year? if that. we get along well enough but my attraction for H is pretty much gone. i'm 99% sure that if we didn't have our amazing 3yo daughter i would have left him by now. i have learned that he is not the right kind of partner for me and i will never have the life i thought (took for granted) i would have as a grown-up, with him. i oscillate between trying to be zen and at peace with the good things we have in our life together ("choosing my choice") and wondering whether/when i'm going to call it quits. i can't wrap my brain around the logistics of a divorce though, and i know that once i start researching it i'll start to feel like it's inevitable. i think about having an affair all the time.

OP (if you're still checking this thread) and others in this sad boat -- do you feel like you're keeping a running stay/go pro/con list in your head all the time? are there times when you seriously think you might blurt out "i don't know why, but that's it" -? this is my reality, more often than not. it's so unhealthy.

[Anonymous]

While it's never easy, I imagine it's easier to get out while your children are young.

I'm the PP with the three kids, 14, 11 8. I told my husband I can't do this anymore, and that I want a separation. I cannot live the rest of my life like this. He claims to love me, but all of his actions say otherwise. I can't even have a conversation with him. I woke him from a nap on Sat at 5:30 before I left for work to let him know what I'd planned for dinner, and that I was leaving. He yelled "Why do you always do that!?" He then apologized, and said he was just annoyed because I'd woken him up from a nap. I couldn't even say anything. I just left. This is SOP. I'm done being the bad guy. He wants lightness and fun in the house, but does nothing proactive to provide it. I give up.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Still hopeless and unhappy. He blew up verbally at me this weekend, over something stupid. Tamtrum is a good description of his display, in front of DS1 at that. He shouted so loud and kept repeating himself, it felt like my ears were ringing. Not the first blow up. He never apologizes, and acts like nothing happened the next day. I always retreat, and DS1 has learned to do the same. That's the saddest part, DS1 has figured him out, and asked me Mommy, why is daddy so angry? I said, I don't know and I'm sorry this ruined our night and hugged him. Meeting with my therapist again tomorrow. I had no idea getting into this marriage that he had a low fuse, and was unpredictable and maniuplative when angry. I am not perfect, but I refuse to put up with this any longer. I realize that the holidays are approaching but I don't think I can even fake it anymore.

[Anonymous]

OP glad to hear from you again but wish it was under better circumstances.

[Anonymous]

well OP, it's a lot to deal with, and the time of year makes it even that much more difficult for sure. But considering all that you've posted here and the tantrum/blow up over the weekend, have you made a decision in terms of what you're going to do?

[bobdc2009]

so sorry to hear this.
how do you find emotional fulfillment? from your friendships?
what about intimacy?
this must be so hard.
sorry and good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:16:08 here. Do you need a helper pp...

Please stop trolling for sex, you are disgusting.

[Anonymous]

I am also in a sexless and loveless marriage, I also would not still be with him if it wasn't for my young children. I am only 30 years old, been married for 4 and have had sex twice in those 4 years. He is an awful person, pathological liar, greedy, selfish,and the list goes on. I married him only because Ithought it was the best for my kids and now iI know it was the worst but divorcing may be even worse. They don't know his true nature, not yet anyways. They are too young and I spend a lot of time covering his ass, not for him mind you but for them. They will eventually find out who he is and it will nodoubt hurt them so iI'm just trying to prolong it. They don't deserve it and iIfeel like no matter what choice iI make at this point I'm failing them. If I was selfish I'dbe out of here nand making myself happy again, I mean I'm sure 30, in my sexual prime and am basically a born again virgin. But that's on me, I knowhe wants to but iI refuse. I may be stuck with him but Iwill never touch him again. We ddon'teven sleep in the same bed, never have since getting married. He refuses to divorce me in a civil manner and has threatened me to make life ffor me and the kids miserable if i file so there is the other reason why. Basically iIddon'twant my kids to get hurt but iI also don't want to wake up at 50 yes old and realize my life was wasted with him. I also realize that this marriage is unhealthy for my children, I'm not stupid but I'min between a rock aand a hard spot. Any advice would be so greatly appreciated. I just want my kids to be okay and happy and eventually I would like to be happy too.