I have a sexless and loveless marriage. Ask me anything

[Anonymous]

Call me. You will not be sexless for long

[Anonymous]

I wonder how the shutdown is affecting sexless marriages ?

[Anonymous]

In similar boat. So sad and trapped. 16 years together, three great kids but 2 are SN. DH is ADD but regularly forgets meds and docs. Bottom line, I feel like the only grown up in the house.

I feel sad, hopeless, and would totally leave if it weren't for the kids and if we could afford it. I do everything relating the the kids and the household, and DH treats the home and family like a rooming house. For years I've been instigating date nights, therapy appts, etc. He's always willing, but is never proactive. Today is our anniversary. We have no plans and no money. Everyone seems to like things just the way they are. IE - me running the entire show and making sure we're all on track. I'm so burnt out and sad and no one gives a shit as long as their meals are cooked and the laundry is done. DH can't hold a job, I've moved heaven and earth to keep us afloat and be his cheerleader to our friends. He's not social, and is just as happy playing on his phone as doing anything social.

I feel like my only way out is if I get sick and die. Divorce would devastate our 14, 11 and 8 year old. They love their father because he shows up and it's good times all around. But I'm done. I'm desperately unhappy. But trapped. If I die, then they would be sad, but wouldn't have the specter of their mother leaving their beloved father. Can't afford therapy right now - paying for the kids therapists and meds is tapping out all discretionary income. It's just a shitty situation and I truly don't see a way out except pulling myself up and doing things that make me "happy". Which is not quite what I envisioned for myself. I could've stayed single for that.

And no, I didn't know DH was ADD before we were married.

FML. And happy fucking anniversary to us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In similar boat. So sad and trapped. 16 years together, three great kids but 2 are SN. DH is ADD but regularly forgets meds and docs. Bottom line, I feel like the only grown up in the house.

I feel sad, hopeless, and would totally leave if it weren't for the kids and if we could afford it. I do everything relating the the kids and the household, and DH treats the home and family like a rooming house. For years I've been instigating date nights, therapy appts, etc. He's always willing, but is never proactive. Today is our anniversary. We have no plans and no money. Everyone seems to like things just the way they are. IE - me running the entire show and making sure we're all on track. I'm so burnt out and sad and no one gives a shit as long as their meals are cooked and the laundry is done. DH can't hold a job, I've moved heaven and earth to keep us afloat and be his cheerleader to our friends. He's not social, and is just as happy playing on his phone as doing anything social.

I feel like my only way out is if I get sick and die. Divorce would devastate our 14, 11 and 8 year old. They love their father because he shows up and it's good times all around. But I'm done. I'm desperately unhappy. But trapped. If I die, then they would be sad, but wouldn't have the specter of their mother leaving their beloved father. Can't afford therapy right now - paying for the kids therapists and meds is tapping out all discretionary income. It's just a shitty situation and I truly don't see a way out except pulling myself up and doing things that make me "happy". Which is not quite what I envisioned for myself. I could've stayed single for that.

And no, I didn't know DH was ADD before we were married.

FML. And happy fucking anniversary to us.

If you have a daughter, would you want this for her? Why not care about yourself just as much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In similar boat. So sad and trapped. 16 years together, three great kids but 2 are SN. DH is ADD but regularly forgets meds and docs. Bottom line, I feel like the only grown up in the house.

I feel sad, hopeless, and would totally leave if it weren't for the kids and if we could afford it. I do everything relating the the kids and the household, and DH treats the home and family like a rooming house. For years I've been instigating date nights, therapy appts, etc. He's always willing, but is never proactive. Today is our anniversary. We have no plans and no money. Everyone seems to like things just the way they are. IE - me running the entire show and making sure we're all on track. I'm so burnt out and sad and no one gives a shit as long as their meals are cooked and the laundry is done. DH can't hold a job, I've moved heaven and earth to keep us afloat and be his cheerleader to our friends. He's not social, and is just as happy playing on his phone as doing anything social.

I feel like my only way out is if I get sick and die. Divorce would devastate our 14, 11 and 8 year old. They love their father because he shows up and it's good times all around. But I'm done. I'm desperately unhappy. But trapped. If I die, then they would be sad, but wouldn't have the specter of their mother leaving their beloved father. Can't afford therapy right now - paying for the kids therapists and meds is tapping out all discretionary income. It's just a shitty situation and I truly don't see a way out except pulling myself up and doing things that make me "happy". Which is not quite what I envisioned for myself. I could've stayed single for that.

And no, I didn't know DH was ADD before we were married.

FML. And happy fucking anniversary to us.

If you have a daughter, would you want this for her? Why not care about yourself just as much?

I have two daughters. And I would never want this for them. I'm beyond caring about myself, I've tried self care for years, but I'm doing all the heavy lifting for four other people, there aren't enough resources for me to leave or care about myself or whatever that means. I'm too tired to pep myself up.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry PP. You sound depressed. And I know what it's like to carry the load of another adult. BUT, I think your kids would be more than sad for a bit if you were to die or disappear from their lives. If you have insurance, can you go to a GP and get some advice from him or her? I know my GP would prescribe meds if I wanted her to (she's a family practice doc actually). I don't have any immediate solutions to suggest to your situation, but for your own health and well-being, I'd add yourself to the list of appointments that are necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In similar boat. So sad and trapped. 16 years together, three great kids but 2 are SN. DH is ADD but regularly forgets meds and docs. Bottom line, I feel like the only grown up in the house.

I feel sad, hopeless, and would totally leave if it weren't for the kids and if we could afford it. I do everything relating the the kids and the household, and DH treats the home and family like a rooming house. For years I've been instigating date nights, therapy appts, etc. He's always willing, but is never proactive. Today is our anniversary. We have no plans and no money. Everyone seems to like things just the way they are. IE - me running the entire show and making sure we're all on track. I'm so burnt out and sad and no one gives a shit as long as their meals are cooked and the laundry is done. DH can't hold a job, I've moved heaven and earth to keep us afloat and be his cheerleader to our friends. He's not social, and is just as happy playing on his phone as doing anything social.

I feel like my only way out is if I get sick and die. Divorce would devastate our 14, 11 and 8 year old. They love their father because he shows up and it's good times all around. But I'm done. I'm desperately unhappy. But trapped. If I die, then they would be sad, but wouldn't have the specter of their mother leaving their beloved father. Can't afford therapy right now - paying for the kids therapists and meds is tapping out all discretionary income. It's just a shitty situation and I truly don't see a way out except pulling myself up and doing things that make me "happy". Which is not quite what I envisioned for myself. I could've stayed single for that.

And no, I didn't know DH was ADD before we were married.

FML. And happy fucking anniversary to us.

If you have a daughter, would you want this for her? Why not care about yourself just as much?

I have two daughters. And I would never want this for them. I'm beyond caring about myself, I've tried self care for years, but I'm doing all the heavy lifting for four other people, there aren't enough resources for me to leave or care about myself or whatever that means. I'm too tired to pep myself up.

This sounds really tough. But your kids are old enough to help with household things, assuming the special needs aren't severe retardation. I know a lot if women who think if they don't "do everything" that their entire lives will fall apart. It's simply not true in most cases. Your family relies on you so much because they can. Your 14 year old is practically an adult and should be learning how to take care of him/herself and how to contribute to the family. Stop feeling like the world falls on your shoulders and maybe it won't so much.

[Anonymous]

This is such a sad thread.

[Anonymous]

7:19..I hope things get better. I wish i could do something to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:\
I feel like my only way out is if I get sick and die. Divorce would devastate our 14, 11 and 8 year old. They love their father because he shows up and it's good times all around. But I'm done. I'm desperately unhappy. But trapped. If I die, then they would be sad, but wouldn't have the specter of their mother leaving their beloved father. Can't afford therapy right now - paying for the kids therapists and meds is tapping out all discretionary income. It's just a shitty situation and I truly don't see a way out except pulling myself up and doing things that make me "happy". Which is not quite what I envisioned for myself. I could've stayed single for that.

And no, I didn't know DH was ADD before we were married.

FML. And happy fucking anniversary to us.

I have so walked in your shoes. I must give you an assignment: tell your husband you will be going away for four days. Tell him don't ask and tell him to take care of the kids. Don't apologize. Don't make meals for the freezer. Don't do extra laundry so they're all set. Just go with as little notice as seems absolutely necessary. You HAVE to clear your head and they will survive even if he doesn't feed them. Go stay with your aunt, sister brother or go stay at a Motel 6 in the poconos. Just go. Please. Your family needs to know you are not a doormat; and they will be better off for it. When you get back he will be angry but stand tall - you needed it. With the perspective you gain, you may realize what your next steps should be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In similar boat. So sad and trapped. 16 years together, three great kids but 2 are SN. DH is ADD but regularly forgets meds and docs. Bottom line, I feel like the only grown up in the house.

I feel sad, hopeless, and would totally leave if it weren't for the kids and if we could afford it. I do everything relating the the kids and the household, and DH treats the home and family like a rooming house. For years I've been instigating date nights, therapy appts, etc. He's always willing, but is never proactive. Today is our anniversary. We have no plans and no money. Everyone seems to like things just the way they are. IE - me running the entire show and making sure we're all on track. I'm so burnt out and sad and no one gives a shit as long as their meals are cooked and the laundry is done. DH can't hold a job, I've moved heaven and earth to keep us afloat and be his cheerleader to our friends. He's not social, and is just as happy playing on his phone as doing anything social.

I feel like my only way out is if I get sick and die. Divorce would devastate our 14, 11 and 8 year old. They love their father because he shows up and it's good times all around. But I'm done. I'm desperately unhappy. But trapped. If I die, then they would be sad, but wouldn't have the specter of their mother leaving their beloved father. Can't afford therapy right now - paying for the kids therapists and meds is tapping out all discretionary income. It's just a shitty situation and I truly don't see a way out except pulling myself up and doing things that make me "happy". Which is not quite what I envisioned for myself. I could've stayed single for that.

And no, I didn't know DH was ADD before we were married.

FML. And happy fucking anniversary to us.

I feel for you...I am so sorry that you have to shoulder too much. Please seek out help....perhaps you can check out your local church for free counseling...do you or your DH have relatives who can come and help for a bit? Some state agencies provide overnight respite services for free or little cost for special needs kids. Please contact the Arc to see what resources are available. I pray that you will see that getting sick and dying is not the only way out and that friends and family will step up to help you.

[Anonymous]

Get out OP. You don't need a PI. Fuck him then when he's asleep grab his phone, log all the emails, FB messages, etc.

Confront him then divorce him.

Your kids will be fine as long as you handle it like an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get out OP. You don't need a PI. Fuck him then when he's asleep grab his phone, log all the emails, FB messages, etc.

Confront him then divorce him.

Your kids will be fine as long as you handle it like an adult.

This will only work if they still fuck.

[Anonymous]

I stayed in a loveless marriage with a man who cheated on me and treated me with little to no respect for 6 years (we were together for 12 years). I stayed for my kids, because I was terrified I could never support them on my own and unwilling to even consider taking them away from their father, who they adore. I was miserable, felt worthless, and it seemed like my entire life centered around reacting to the way he treated me and the choices he made.

And then one day I just hit the wall. I couldn't face one more minute of it. I can't explain why or how but I just decided that my kids deserved a mother who valued herself more than I did.

That was 3 years ago. We're divorced now. My life is much harder than it was before we split up. Money is tight, logistics are hard, and there are times when I am so damn tired I want to crawl into bed for a week.
But even though my life is harder, it's also a hell of a lot happier. My kids had a rough time for a little while but by now they have a new normal and it works. Their father and I get along well enough to co-parent in a healthy way. This is not the life I planned to have but, for the first time in a long time, it's a life I am proud of.

I guess I just want to say that I know what it feels like when you are miserable and broken down and feel like you have no options. I'm proof that you do have options. You just need to be willing to do the scary thing and make the choice. Oh, and don't make it alone. Therapy was my salvation, if for no other reason than it gave me a space to be totally honest out loud without being afraid of the repercussions.

[Anonymous]

The Women's Center in DC (and VA I think) offers counseling on a sliding scale. They may be an option for those whose money is tight right now. Best of luck to you all. These are all such difficult situations.