s/o...if you don't reciprocate, do you wish I would go away?

[Anonymous]

sad that so many are making this about money, as if you are somehow keeping score as to how much you spend on others and how much they spend on you. (of course some people really cannot afford to entertain much, and you need to respect that and not push.) we don't like to host for a variety of reasons, but when invited, we bring a bottle or two of wine, maybe some dessert, etc., so I'm sure we more than cover our share. The other have fun houses for entertaining and they enjoy it and I really doubt they resent it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Work full time. House is a wreck. People say it doesn't matter, but it does. Even to the people who say it doesn't.

Work full time. Travel a lot. House is never a wreck.

You're right, it does matter. Can't stand to go into a dirty or cluttered house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For us it's because we are busy, introverted, cheap -- in that order. D

Shameful. You're lucky people keep inviting you.

Why are any of these things "shameful"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Work full time. House is a wreck. People say it doesn't matter, but it does. Even to the people who say it doesn't.

Work full time. Travel a lot. House is never a wreck.

You're right, it does matter. Can't stand to go into a dirty or cluttered house.

which is why you are not coming to our house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:sad that so many are making this about money, as if you are somehow keeping score as to how much you spend on others and how much they spend on you. (of course some people really cannot afford to entertain much, and you need to respect that and not push.) we don't like to host for a variety of reasons, but when invited, we bring a bottle or two of wine, maybe some dessert, etc., so I'm sure we more than cover our share. The other have fun houses for entertaining and they enjoy it and I really doubt they resent it.

I don't "keep score," as you put it. There is one family that's had lunch or dinner at our house many times and who never brought anything more than a bottle of wine. They've never invited us to their house for a meal. At first I thought it was they are self conscious about their house. Then one day the woman mentioned to me that she was hosting two other families for pizza a game night, and I realized that she does host other families -- just not ours. Sometimes she'll say something like her husband misses mine, but she never proposes getting our families together. I can only conclude that between their other friends and the local family she has in the area, they have enough going on. Maybe I'm misreading that, but we don't host them anymore. We have a finite amount of time and energy so it makes sense to spend time with families who reciprocate our interest in them. I don't think of that as keeping score.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:sad that so many are making this about money, as if you are somehow keeping score as to how much you spend on others and how much they spend on you. (of course some people really cannot afford to entertain much, and you need to respect that and not push.) we don't like to host for a variety of reasons, but when invited, we bring a bottle or two of wine, maybe some dessert, etc., so I'm sure we more than cover our share. The other have fun houses for entertaining and they enjoy it and I really doubt they resent it.

I don't "keep score," as you put it. There is one family that's had lunch or dinner at our house many times and who never brought anything more than a bottle of wine. They've never invited us to their house for a meal. At first I thought it was they are self conscious about their house. Then one day the woman mentioned to me that she was hosting two other families for pizza a game night, and I realized that she does host other families -- just not ours. Sometimes she'll say something like her husband misses mine, but she never proposes getting our families together. I can only conclude that between their other friends and the local family she has in the area, they have enough going on. Maybe I'm misreading that, but we don't host them anymore. We have a finite amount of time and energy so it makes sense to spend time with families who reciprocate our interest in them. I don't think of that as keeping score.

yep, that is keeping score. you are competitive about everything and it is offputting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:sad that so many are making this about money, as if you are somehow keeping score as to how much you spend on others and how much they spend on you. (of course some people really cannot afford to entertain much, and you need to respect that and not push.) we don't like to host for a variety of reasons, but when invited, we bring a bottle or two of wine, maybe some dessert, etc., so I'm sure we more than cover our share. The other have fun houses for entertaining and they enjoy it and I really doubt they resent it.

I don't "keep score," as you put it. There is one family that's had lunch or dinner at our house many times and who never brought anything more than a bottle of wine. They've never invited us to their house for a meal. At first I thought it was they are self conscious about their house. Then one day the woman mentioned to me that she was hosting two other families for pizza a game night, and I realized that she does host other families -- just not ours. Sometimes she'll say something like her husband misses mine, but she never proposes getting our families together. I can only conclude that between their other friends and the local family she has in the area, they have enough going on. Maybe I'm misreading that, but we don't host them anymore. We have a finite amount of time and energy so it makes sense to spend time with families who reciprocate our interest in them. I don't think of that as keeping score.

yep, that is keeping score. you are competitive about everything and it is offputting.

Competitive? My friend essentially told me she wants to invest her social time in other families with three or more kids and other families who go to her children's school (ours doesn't). I will feel kind of dumb if I keep inviting her family over in that scenario, no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband travels for a living, he just wants to come home amd sit on the couch and play with our daughter.

If you have a problem, stop inviting us. You aren't real friends anyway.

Fascinating. How do you find the time to attend other people's events?

I go alone without him, my close friends understand the nature of his job requires it. When he's home I also go without him and he stays with out daughter. Or...I don't go.

So do you treat your hosts to lunch or do something other than host to reciprocate, or are you just a freeloader?

Don't most people who attend an event at someone else's house bring a bottle of wine or other hostess gift with them? I would take that to be not freeloading.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah...there's a troll on this thread (or one honestly, seriously disgruntled heavy hoster). There's no other reason someone is calling out basically every post that explains why people don't host (you know, actually answering the question) and saying that they're in the wrong.

Whatever.

I have made a couple critical comments, but I see many more, and they seem to have been written by different people, so I assume a good number of hosts are not that impressed by the quality of answers provided. Several have pointed out that it can be easy and inexpensive to organize something fun, indoors or outdoors, so I guess we are trying to understand real reasons.

Different people have different priorities. Is that reason enough for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:sad that so many are making this about money, as if you are somehow keeping score as to how much you spend on others and how much they spend on you. (of course some people really cannot afford to entertain much, and you need to respect that and not push.) we don't like to host for a variety of reasons, but when invited, we bring a bottle or two of wine, maybe some dessert, etc., so I'm sure we more than cover our share. The other have fun houses for entertaining and they enjoy it and I really doubt they resent it.

I don't "keep score," as you put it. There is one family that's had lunch or dinner at our house many times and who never brought anything more than a bottle of wine. They've never invited us to their house for a meal. At first I thought it was they are self conscious about their house. Then one day the woman mentioned to me that she was hosting two other families for pizza a game night, and I realized that she does host other families -- just not ours. Sometimes she'll say something like her husband misses mine, but she never proposes getting our families together. I can only conclude that between their other friends and the local family she has in the area, they have enough going on. Maybe I'm misreading that, but we don't host them anymore. We have a finite amount of time and energy so it makes sense to spend time with families who reciprocate our interest in them. I don't think of that as keeping score.

yep, that is keeping score. you are competitive about everything and it is offputting.

Competitive? My friend essentially told me she wants to invest her social time in other families with three or more kids and other families who go to her children's school (ours doesn't). I will feel kind of dumb if I keep inviting her family over in that scenario, no?

no, it is not dumb. why overthink it? do you enjoy her company or not? do they enjoy your company or not? If she invites your invitations, she clearly does. why do you have to have a rigid tit-for-tat social calendar. Enjoy them when you see them, don't worry about them when you don't. I don't get the issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:sad that so many are making this about money, as if you are somehow keeping score as to how much you spend on others and how much they spend on you. (of course some people really cannot afford to entertain much, and you need to respect that and not push.) we don't like to host for a variety of reasons, but when invited, we bring a bottle or two of wine, maybe some dessert, etc., so I'm sure we more than cover our share. The other have fun houses for entertaining and they enjoy it and I really doubt they resent it.

I don't "keep score," as you put it. There is one family that's had lunch or dinner at our house many times and who never brought anything more than a bottle of wine. They've never invited us to their house for a meal. At first I thought it was they are self conscious about their house. Then one day the woman mentioned to me that she was hosting two other families for pizza a game night, and I realized that she does host other families -- just not ours. Sometimes she'll say something like her husband misses mine, but she never proposes getting our families together. I can only conclude that between their other friends and the local family she has in the area, they have enough going on. Maybe I'm misreading that, but we don't host them anymore. We have a finite amount of time and energy so it makes sense to spend time with families who reciprocate our interest in them. I don't think of that as keeping score.

yep, that is keeping score. you are competitive about everything and it is offputting.

Competitive? My friend essentially told me she wants to invest her social time in other families with three or more kids and other families who go to her children's school (ours doesn't). I will feel kind of dumb if I keep inviting her family over in that scenario, no?

no, it is not dumb. why overthink it? do you enjoy her company or not? do they enjoy your company or not? If she invites your invitations, she clearly does. why do you have to have a rigid tit-for-tat social calendar. Enjoy them when you see them, don't worry about them when you don't. I don't get the issue.

Sure, I enjoy their company. I assume they enjoy ours as well. Our DC issued a birthday party invitation to hers, despite not being invited to her kids' parties, and I'm fine with that. But I'm not Superhostess, by any means, and I have other invitations to repay and other people I want to get to know in the limited time we have available.

[Anonymous]

Wow, this thread is blowing my mind a little bit.

Those of you who feel really, really strongly that everything in life, at least the social mores, must be quid pro quo, are you also the sticklers for thank you notes (even when a personal thanks is given)? Are you also people who think you can spoil babies by picking them up too much? Are you a frequent poster in the 50 and over forum? I'm just starting to get the image of a biddy here. Sorry if that seems harsh.

For the record, we host at least one gathering a month. Some small, some large. I simply cannot fathom being ANGRY at someone for not hosting in turn. I have many ways to gauge my friends interest in me. Do they take my calls and respond when I'm feeling blue and want to talk? If I needed an ear, would they listen? Do we just "get" one another and turn any night into laughter? Do we have a great time when we are together? This is what matters.

As an aside, it always cracks me up when people on these boards try to be such "sticklers" for manners. "I host you, now you must host me." The great irony is that any manners maven will tell you that, like demanding a thank you note is poor form (making any observation or note of someone else's lapse of manners is considered to be in poor taste), it is also in poor taste to keep score. To the friend who feels slighted that a friend you host constantly seems alwyas to have time for someone else, what you're discussing does not seem to be just a hosting disparity so much as an interest disparity. Maybe.

On the other hand, maybe the families that this gal hosts are families who cannot host her? Maybe she loves coming to your house? Maybe she hosts some, goes to some, without obsessing over who she "owes" because hosting, to her, is a pleasure and not a repayment of a debt? Or a tedious obligation?

People, come ON. It's totally okay if someone doesn't host in return. There are dozens of reasons for why they may not, and in point of fact, they do not owe you anything. You host, they come, and hopefully, thank you for your graciousness. It is EXTREMELY ungracious to demand reciprocity or to make people feel as though they are indebted to you. That, my friends, is bad manners in an extreme. (and with your attitude, seriously, no WONDER they don't invite you back!) Calling your friends "freeloaders" because they had the nerve to come to something that you INVITED them to?

Thanks but no thanks. Stop hosting. You're doing it for the wrong reasons and embarrassing yourself with your attitude.

[Anonymous]

you guys just overthink this shit too much. do what makes you happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"(PP still here: but as I mentioned above I do work really hard and often to organize outings to museums, pool, local free or low-cost stuff around town, fun dinners out, that type of thing, so hopefully our friends do still feel we are extending ourselves and enjoy them and wish to reciprocate in this way!) "

If you're not paying, you're not hosting.

Yeah, I can see that point of view. I guess then, I just probably cannot be close friends with, or move in circles with, people like this b/c we are probably in two different places in our lives right now. . . no harm, no foul, I think people like you are very nice people and it's very nice that you host a lot, but I think we have different priorities. . . good luck to you.

But do you accept, repeatedly, invitations from friends at their homes? I'm talking established people in their 40s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"(PP still here: but as I mentioned above I do work really hard and often to organize outings to museums, pool, local free or low-cost stuff around town, fun dinners out, that type of thing, so hopefully our friends do still feel we are extending ourselves and enjoy them and wish to reciprocate in this way!) "

If you're not paying, you're not hosting.

Yeah, I can see that point of view. I guess then, I just probably cannot be close friends with, or move in circles with, people like this b/c we are probably in two different places in our lives right now. . . no harm, no foul, I think people like you are very nice people and it's very nice that you host a lot, but I think we have different priorities. . . good luck to you.

(And, actually, given the above, then I would kind of wonder why you kept issuing invitations to me. . .to get back to the original question - lol. ! If it matters to you about reciprocating, and I clearly cannot, then yes, I would wonder why you kept inviting us to stuff.)

Cannot or will not reciprocate? If you leveled with me, that you knew you had a social obligation to reciprocate but told me you couldn't right then, I'd keep inviting you. It's the ignoring the obligation that drives me nuts.