s/o...if you don't reciprocate, do you wish I would go away?

[Anonymous]

Op agaij. Sorry for my typos...haven't nailed down posting via phone yet

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again...I just wanted to say I'm not the one(s) who keeps posting that people who come to any event, large or small, should feel obligated in any way to host anything or bring something to what we host. I swear all I want is your company (otherwise I wouldn't be getting in touch), and I can't possibly the the only person in DC who feels that way. As far as I'm concerned a real friendship shouldn't carry any "obligations"...Just saying yes to getting together is fine with me - as long as that yes is a genuine wish to share time with me/us and not a yes because you don't want to hurt my feelings or have some other agenda!

What most hosts seem to be pointing out is that, if there is a "genuine wish to share time with...", there are a million things that people who don't like to host can do, not to "reciprocate" but simply to continue the fun and "share time with..."

Not doing so merely indicates lack of interest and, for the most part, lazy excuses.

OP again. You are entitled to your opinion. However it's vastly different than mine. I started this post to check the other side of the story, and nothing that has been posted has changed my mind from "people have their personal reasons for not hosting, but it doesn't mean that they don't value my friendship".


Case in point...I called up a friend to see if they wanted to get together this weekwnd. They had plans, but suggested next weekend. Next weekend we have plqns. We spent a while going back and forth until we found a date that worked for both of us...in August. It's still frickin' MAY! I know there were some weekend where we *could* have gotten together, but there was some family or work function that I know would have wiped us out so I said no. I would hope my friend did the same. Now...if I didn't talk to her, who's to say that with one thing and another it would not have been easily 6 weeks before they were able to take a breath and get the energy to call us? Should I have spent all that time.wondering why they didn't ask us to go to dinner with them? Hell no!!!! I don't have that kind of time or energy. Should they feel bad that this was the second time I called to get together that would have been me hosting and make room in their shedule because they felt like they "owed me". Hell no! I would hope they would know that's not the purpose of my call.

Anyway, hosted or hoster...your friends should be your friends If something bugs you that much, speak up. If youbare.uncomfortable saying something, mwybe you should check yourself before you blame others.

Dear OP,

My most sincere appreciation for kindly allowing me to have my own opinion. In the thread that you seem to own, no less. Thank you also very much for facilitating my reading comprehension by repeating the same point 3 times. If you wouldn't mind repeating it a fourth time, that would really help me assimilate the very nuanced point you are trying to communicate to the slow learners here at DCUM.

The only thing, if I may darebto say so, you might consider doing in the future so better accommodate the guests in the thread you kindly host, is not to put in other's mouths things that they never said or even implied. Fuzzy logic doesn't seem to clarify things, but to add to the mess.

Your truly,

PP

[Anonymous]

Gee, you really wonder why people don't want to go out of their way to spend time with you? Why are you even posting on a thread that asks a question not direcred at you anyway?!?

[Anonymous]

Work full time. House is a wreck. People say it doesn't matter, but it does. Even to the people who say it doesn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband travels for a living, he just wants to come home amd sit on the couch and play with our daughter.

If you have a problem, stop inviting us. You aren't real friends anyway.

Fascinating. How do you find the time to attend other people's events?

I go alone without him, my close friends understand the nature of his job requires it. When he's home I also go without him and he stays with out daughter. Or...I don't go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For us it's because we are busy, introverted, cheap -- in that order. D

Shameful. You're lucky people keep inviting you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really don't like large parties - we're introverts and we find them unpleasant. Those are the invitations we tend to decline, and we host large gatherings only rarely. Not completely relevant to your OP, I realize, but these different posts on hosting and reciprocating have made me realize that some folks are possibly misreading introverts.

So do you socialize in smaller groups at your home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gee, you really wonder why people don't want to go out of their way to spend time with you? Why are you even posting on a thread that asks a question not direcred at you anyway?!?

Difficult to decide which one of those two questions is less, well, in search of enlightenment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're totally wonderful, but we're just lame (and infrequent) hosts-- at least at home. We really do have our reasons for this, some of which could be quite personal and you actually wouldn't want to hear them.

Hope you're ok with being invited to join us in other activities. And please, keep including us in your plans.

+1

I'm dying to know some of the "quite personal" reasons. Lack of money?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I might be considered someone who reciprocates less. We'll entertain small groups of family and close friends on a fairly regular basis, and have a great time. But, for "work" friends, I think we reciprocate much less compared with the invitations we get. We invite just our close work friends over.

The main reason is that DH is not big on entertaining-- I think I get more stressed about everything being perfect, and he doesn't like that. When we're home, he just wants to relax.

Also he's not quite an introvert but he just likes being with close friends and family, and doesn't really like mingling or superficial conversations. And he doesn't like the 'schmoozing' (word I'll use loosely) at a professional event.

Plus, a reason why we don't host large gatherings of work friends is that the work friends all know pretty much exactly what everyone else makes. The people who entertain most from those circles tend to have the largest and most expensive homes. Neither of us works in a big law firm anymore but this issue was especially significant during those years. We've always lived below our means and our place is nice but small. We've gotten some negative/odd comments from a small few, and so don't really care to host large work gatherings if that's what would happen. I know most people aren't like this, but when one or a small number make such a comment, it makes me unlikely to host future gatherings.

Isn't it a matter of professional, not just social, courtesy to reciprocate work related invitations?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband travels for a living, he just wants to come home amd sit on the couch and play with our daughter.

If you have a problem, stop inviting us. You aren't real friends anyway.

No problem. I hate to be used just because you'd like to get out of the house every once in a while. Real friends don't rely, always, on others to host them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again...I just wanted to say I'm not the one(s) who keeps posting that people who come to any event, large or small, should feel obligated in any way to host anything or bring something to what we host. I swear all I want is your company (otherwise I wouldn't be getting in touch), and I can't possibly the the only person in DC who feels that way. As far as I'm concerned a real friendship shouldn't carry any "obligations"...Just saying yes to getting together is fine with me - as long as that yes is a genuine wish to share time with me/us and not a yes because you don't want to hurt my feelings or have some other agenda!

The problem is that entertaining is expensive. I don't feel like we should be the ones always shelling out the money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Work full time. House is a wreck. People say it doesn't matter, but it does. Even to the people who say it doesn't.

Use hosting a party as an excuse to clean up. We do that three or four times a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband travels for a living, he just wants to come home amd sit on the couch and play with our daughter.

If you have a problem, stop inviting us. You aren't real friends anyway.

Fascinating. How do you find the time to attend other people's events?

I go alone without him, my close friends understand the nature of his job requires it. When he's home I also go without him and he stays with out daughter. Or...I don't go.

So do you treat your hosts to lunch or do something other than host to reciprocate, or are you just a freeloader?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really don't like large parties - we're introverts and we find them unpleasant. Those are the invitations we tend to decline, and we host large gatherings only rarely. Not completely relevant to your OP, I realize, but these different posts on hosting and reciprocating have made me realize that some folks are possibly misreading introverts.

So do you socialize in smaller groups at your home?

I'm the PP you quoted. Yes, we host smaller gatherings at home -- anywhere from one other family or couple to, say, four other families or couples at a time (though that's on the larger end for us). We love to go to smallish gatherings at friends' houses too. I know many people enjoy big parties filled with people they don't know, but that's just not us.