s/o...if you don't reciprocate, do you wish I would go away?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:sad that so many are making this about money, as if you are somehow keeping score as to how much you spend on others and how much they spend on you. (of course some people really cannot afford to entertain much, and you need to respect that and not push.) we don't like to host for a variety of reasons, but when invited, we bring a bottle or two of wine, maybe some dessert, etc., so I'm sure we more than cover our share. The other have fun houses for entertaining and they enjoy it and I really doubt they resent it.

LOL this shows your ignorance. A couple of bottles of wine and dessert do not begin to cover the cost of feeding you and your spouse a dinner, plus unlimited drinks for an evening.

you are vile. are you pulling out your calculator and keeping track of what couple consumed how much? how low class and common. why would you entertain if you feel this way?

I know. This person (whom I believe is not the OP, so, OP, I am not targeting you here) seems to have a MASSIVE chip on her shoulder re hosting and reciprocating. Maybe she has a personal example in mind which has really gotten her goat. PP, maybe let us know what has made you feel so strongly about this issue. On a more personal level, though, I might suggest you find some way to let it go b/c you are just walking around so clenched up about this issue. You really are just making yourself unhappy. If someone in real life has gotten you so bugged about this issue, find some way to deal with it or just let it go. You'll probably be a happier person for it. Just my two cents of advice. . .

OP here- nope - this person is definitely NOT me. In fact, her point of view is about as opposite from mine as it's possilbe to get. I"m fine with people not hosting or doing anything, as evidenced in this thread, there are lots of reasons that people don't want to initiate/host that have nothing to do with me. I"m perfectly fine with that !

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:sad that so many are making this about money, as if you are somehow keeping score as to how much you spend on others and how much they spend on you. (of course some people really cannot afford to entertain much, and you need to respect that and not push.) we don't like to host for a variety of reasons, but when invited, we bring a bottle or two of wine, maybe some dessert, etc., so I'm sure we more than cover our share. The other have fun houses for entertaining and they enjoy it and I really doubt they resent it.

I don't "keep score," as you put it. There is one family that's had lunch or dinner at our house many times and who never brought anything more than a bottle of wine. They've never invited us to their house for a meal. At first I thought it was they are self conscious about their house. Then one day the woman mentioned to me that she was hosting two other families for pizza a game night, and I realized that she does host other families -- just not ours. Sometimes she'll say something like her husband misses mine, but she never proposes getting our families together. I can only conclude that between their other friends and the local family she has in the area, they have enough going on. Maybe I'm misreading that, but we don't host them anymore. We have a finite amount of time and energy so it makes sense to spend time with families who reciprocate our interest in them. I don't think of that as keeping score.

Did they invite you over once you stopped inviting them?

No, they didn't. I guess they're just not that into us.

[Anonymous]

I find it so annoying when people think bringing a bottle of wine is reciprocating. The worst part is that it's those people who bring the worst wine! Don't show up at my dinner party with an $8 bottle of Jacob's Creek or Yellow Tail and think you're covering the cost of your meal. Not that you need to cover your cost -- you don't at all but please don't think that you are. I've had to learn to start serving those bottles of wine to those guests instead of my carefully chosen ones because that's what I get left with to drink after those guests are gone and having done that for YEARS, I'm just DONE. Now the guest who brings a lovely bottle for my cellar and good conversation and doesn't host back, I can live with. The family who picked up my kid in a pinch -- that's reciprocating, too. The mom who plans the group activities, that counts too. The best reciprocation for me is TIME. Also, I should note that I appreciate the email the next day or week saying thanks for hosting. It seems like the Yellow Tail mooches out there don't even remember to send the thank you email anymore!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So we (I guess) would be what dcum considers "heavy hosters". We have a regular yearly party that our friends plan on attending (we start getting the "you ARE having the party again, right?" months in advance) so I'm fairly sure that that's not an imposition. However, we will occasionally just do things randomly...like call a local friend and say "hey, we going to x restaurant onquiet saturday afternoon to get our young ds used to eating out. Want to take your similarly aged dc come with us?", or if we've made plans to have one couple and their kids over, we'll shoot an email to other friends (who have met the first couple in the past and have gotten along) and ask if they'd like to come over too.

This plan works well for us. If people are available and want to participate in whatever, it's a good time. If they say no, then no worries. However, there are a few couples that will say yes fairly often, and it seems like we have a good time, but they rarely if ever reciprocate. I never really thought about it b/c it's.so "loosey goosey", but could it be that they only say yes because they feel bad about saying no? Do they really wish we'd go away and leave them be?



Why do you not reciprocate? I've always assumed it was because people are busy and even if they have good intentions they turn around and 6 weeks have gone by (happens to me all the time). However, could it be that we're not as wonderful as we think?

you worry too much!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it so annoying when people think bringing a bottle of wine is reciprocating. The worst part is that it's those people who bring the worst wine! Don't show up at my dinner party with an $8 bottle of Jacob's Creek or Yellow Tail and think you're covering the cost of your meal. Not that you need to cover your cost -- you don't at all but please don't think that you are. I've had to learn to start serving those bottles of wine to those guests instead of my carefully chosen ones because that's what I get left with to drink after those guests are gone and having done that for YEARS, I'm just DONE. Now the guest who brings a lovely bottle for my cellar and good conversation and doesn't host back, I can live with. The family who picked up my kid in a pinch -- that's reciprocating, too. The mom who plans the group activities, that counts too. The best reciprocation for me is TIME. Also, I should note that I appreciate the email the next day or week saying thanks for hosting. It seems like the Yellow Tail mooches out there don't even remember to send the thank you email anymore!

Holy SHIT! this poster took the crazy train around her dinner party and back! OMG OMG OMG! This is the best example of "you're doing it wrong" I have ever read.

I can't decide what part I like best. The idea that she's got her calculator out and is mentally tallying up the cost of her guests's meal compared to the wine they bring, or the fact that she treasures her guests so much that she has "learned" to start serving the yellow tail to her guests. Yes, OP, I'm sure you're a great hostess. Serving swill to your serfs I mean guests while you keep the good stuff for yourself. That is really the way to throw a memorable party. by contrast, if someone showed up with yellow tail, I'd probably do my best to make sure it was NOT served to my guests, if there was a way to do that without offending the person who brought it. I entertain because I love to make people happy, to share my love of good food and wine, and to spend time with people I like.

So why are you doing it. To broaden your cellar?

Bhaaaaaaa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!!

Please do give your name. Just a first name. I really want to know who you are so I can steer so clear of your parties!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're totally wonderful, but we're just lame (and infrequent) hosts-- at least at home. We really do have our reasons for this, some of which could be quite personal and you actually wouldn't want to hear them.

Hope you're ok with being invited to join us in other activities. And please, keep including us in your plans.

+1

In my case my husband is the cook in the family and less social so it is awkward for me to invite my friends over and expect DH to cook. We also only likely have the house guest worthy clean right after our family has visited and when I've tried to piggyback off that and have a playdate or one couple come by, usually they already have plans that weekend.

Finally, yes I've become lazy about planning. I used to invite people to meet out but it became waiting to hear back because they weren't sure of their schedule or they were running around most of the weekend. If I wanted to try to meet two families out - forget about it. One could only meet Sunday pm and the other Saturday pm. If I then commit to two different meetups, my DH is complaining how we don't have any downtime to relax etc. if he has to be involved in some way. My two exceptions to my lack of planning things is if my DH really likes the other couple (we are talking would be willing to pay a babysitter and all the adults go out) then it's an easy sell to have him offer to host them OR if I know the mom and kids don't typically have lots of activities on the weekend and they are likely to be free, I'll do last minute plans to meet up.

[Anonymous]

I'm often not too keen on meeting up with people at some activity in the middle of a weekend day. Eats up our only free time. I'm much more likely to make the time if they are hosting us rather than asking us to join them at some activity they are interested in at a time and place that works well for them. That said, sometimes it is something I'm really interested in and that's great but I'm less likely to tie my family down for something you're not offering to host.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm often not too keen on meeting up with people at some activity in the middle of a weekend day. Eats up our only free time. I'm much more likely to make the time if they are hosting us rather than asking us to join them at some activity they are interested in at a time and place that works well for them. That said, sometimes it is something I'm really interested in and that's great but I'm less likely to tie my family down for something you're not offering to host.

So you do host them back, or just wait for them to host you again?

[Anonymous]

"You still haven't shared with us the reason why you personally are so worked up about this situation. What in real life has made you this way? Have you been taken advantage of in a big way by people you considered friends but now view as freeloaders? "

I do not know why you equate my firm opinion with being "so worked up" about reciprocating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"You still haven't shared with us the reason why you personally are so worked up about this situation. What in real life has made you this way? Have you been taken advantage of in a big way by people you considered friends but now view as freeloaders? "

I do not know why you equate my firm opinion with being "so worked up" about reciprocating.

OK, from where did you get your "firm opinion?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"You still haven't shared with us the reason why you personally are so worked up about this situation. What in real life has made you this way? Have you been taken advantage of in a big way by people you considered friends but now view as freeloaders? "

I do not know why you equate my firm opinion with being "so worked up" about reciprocating.

OK, from where did you get your "firm opinion?"

I'm of German heritage. I don't like freeloaders on principle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it so annoying when people think bringing a bottle of wine is reciprocating. The worst part is that it's those people who bring the worst wine! Don't show up at my dinner party with an $8 bottle of Jacob's Creek or Yellow Tail and think you're covering the cost of your meal. Not that you need to cover your cost -- you don't at all but please don't think that you are. I've had to learn to start serving those bottles of wine to those guests instead of my carefully chosen ones because that's what I get left with to drink after those guests are gone and having done that for YEARS, I'm just DONE. Now the guest who brings a lovely bottle for my cellar and good conversation and doesn't host back, I can live with. The family who picked up my kid in a pinch -- that's reciprocating, too. The mom who plans the group activities, that counts too. The best reciprocation for me is TIME. Also, I should note that I appreciate the email the next day or week saying thanks for hosting. It seems like the Yellow Tail mooches out there don't even remember to send the thank you email anymore!

I couldn't agree more.

[Anonymous]

OP, just keep doing what you've been doing (as long as you enjoy it). I'm sure your friends appreciate you being the glue that holds the group together. there are many reasons people don't reciprocate - time goes by fast, space is too small, they are busy, their children are busy, their children are very young, nervous about entertaining. If they didn't like you or your party, they wouldn't show up. they would "cackle and decline" when they got the invite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"You still haven't shared with us the reason why you personally are so worked up about this situation. What in real life has made you this way? Have you been taken advantage of in a big way by people you considered friends but now view as freeloaders? "

I do not know why you equate my firm opinion with being "so worked up" about reciprocating.

OK, from where did you get your "firm opinion?"

I'm of German heritage. I don't like freeloaders on principle.

Well, hospitality notwithstanding, your heritage may have a lot to answer for. I wouldn't get your knickers in a bunch over neighbors or friends who bring over Yellow Tail or what-have-you bottles of wine, or other items, to your personal (or other, wider, such as neighborhood) get-togethers. I'd just lie low i I were you..

[Anonymous]

OP, the answer is no. But they do wish we would all but raise their kids for them. It takes a village my a**. No thanks.