s/o...if you don't reciprocate, do you wish I would go away?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:we get invited to places all the time, but never reciprocate. our house is a mess, we have two dogs and it just wouldn't be enjoyable. clearly people don't mind as we keep getting invited.

Why don't you host your friends at a restaurant or a bar?

that isn't being a host, that is meeting friends for dinner at a restaurant. sure, everyone does that.

No, you misunderstand, I mean pay for their food and drinks. That's "hosting," whether done at home or someplace outside the home.

that would be ridiculous, horribly show-offy and in poor manners.

What do you mean? Do you charge people for food and drinks consumed in your home? We're not 23 years old and just starting out, we are 20 years out of college. Hosting is paying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:sad that so many are making this about money, as if you are somehow keeping score as to how much you spend on others and how much they spend on you. (of course some people really cannot afford to entertain much, and you need to respect that and not push.) we don't like to host for a variety of reasons, but when invited, we bring a bottle or two of wine, maybe some dessert, etc., so I'm sure we more than cover our share. The other have fun houses for entertaining and they enjoy it and I really doubt they resent it.

LOL this shows your ignorance. A couple of bottles of wine and dessert do not begin to cover the cost of feeding you and your spouse a dinner, plus unlimited drinks for an evening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For us it's because we are busy, introverted, cheap -- in that order. D

Shameful. You're lucky people keep inviting you.

Why are any of these things "shameful"?

Letting friends spend their money and time arranging entertaining evenings for you, but not returning the favor? Freeloading is shameful. If you don't see that, I can't help you. If you never reciprocate, you've crossed the line from cheap to freeloading.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:sad that so many are making this about money, as if you are somehow keeping score as to how much you spend on others and how much they spend on you. (of course some people really cannot afford to entertain much, and you need to respect that and not push.) we don't like to host for a variety of reasons, but when invited, we bring a bottle or two of wine, maybe some dessert, etc., so I'm sure we more than cover our share. The other have fun houses for entertaining and they enjoy it and I really doubt they resent it.

I don't "keep score," as you put it. There is one family that's had lunch or dinner at our house many times and who never brought anything more than a bottle of wine. They've never invited us to their house for a meal. At first I thought it was they are self conscious about their house. Then one day the woman mentioned to me that she was hosting two other families for pizza a game night, and I realized that she does host other families -- just not ours. Sometimes she'll say something like her husband misses mine, but she never proposes getting our families together. I can only conclude that between their other friends and the local family she has in the area, they have enough going on. Maybe I'm misreading that, but we don't host them anymore. We have a finite amount of time and energy so it makes sense to spend time with families who reciprocate our interest in them. I don't think of that as keeping score.

Did they invite you over once you stopped inviting them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband travels for a living, he just wants to come home amd sit on the couch and play with our daughter.

If you have a problem, stop inviting us. You aren't real friends anyway.

Fascinating. How do you find the time to attend other people's events?

I go alone without him, my close friends understand the nature of his job requires it. When he's home I also go without him and he stays with out daughter. Or...I don't go.

So do you treat your hosts to lunch or do something other than host to reciprocate, or are you just a freeloader?

Don't most people who attend an event at someone else's house bring a bottle of wine or other hostess gift with them? I would take that to be not freeloading.

Do you know how much it costs to feed a couple of grown adults a full gourmet meal, plus unlimited drinks?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For us it's because we are busy, introverted, cheap -- in that order. D

Shameful. You're lucky people keep inviting you.

Why are any of these things "shameful"?

Letting friends spend their money and time arranging entertaining evenings for you, but not returning the favor? Freeloading is shameful. If you don't see that, I can't help you. If you never reciprocate, you've crossed the line from cheap to freeloading.

People only treat you the way you let them be treated. And if you allow your friends to treat you as a free meal, that isn't their fault, that is yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you guys just overthink this shit too much. do what makes you happy.

What would thrill me is to always be a guest and never host. Who wouldn't want to have a full social life, but never have to plan, clean or pay for anything?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"(PP still here: but as I mentioned above I do work really hard and often to organize outings to museums, pool, local free or low-cost stuff around town, fun dinners out, that type of thing, so hopefully our friends do still feel we are extending ourselves and enjoy them and wish to reciprocate in this way!) "

If you're not paying, you're not hosting.

Yeah, I can see that point of view. I guess then, I just probably cannot be close friends with, or move in circles with, people like this b/c we are probably in two different places in our lives right now. . . no harm, no foul, I think people like you are very nice people and it's very nice that you host a lot, but I think we have different priorities. . . good luck to you.

But do you accept, repeatedly, invitations from friends at their homes? I'm talking established people in their 40s.

Neither we nor our friends are in our 40s yet so I don't know. We are still in our 30s. But, if people keep inviting us to stuff like this, no, I'd start to decline. I'd feel the differences b/w our two lifestyles, as I would hope/expect the host/hostess would as well, and see that we are sort of living differently these days. We do have one couple who seems to make a lot more $$ than the rest of us and therefore have interest and resources to do things differently from the rest of us, and I don't really go to things at their house anymore, except for the rare occasion when they host something for our whole entire group of high school friends, as sort of an ersatz reunion type of thing. But, on a regular basis, no, we don't accept invitations to their house and our paths have kind of deviated. We just live differently. I work and am never around during the week. The other mom doesn't and yet also has a housekeeper at the same time. If they host, she has time and resources to do all these types of elaborate recipes, etc. She has fun doing this and tracks down new recipes and decorating ideas from pinterest, etc. I just don't have time or interest for this; in my limited time, this is not what I would be choosing to spend my time doing; I'd must rather organize a more casual get-together at Wolf Trap or something downtown or going to see the Titanic exhibit at the National Geographic Museum. So I believe she and I have sort of figured out that we are living two different ways so she doesn't really invite us anymore -- unless it's a big group type of event maybe once every few years -- and I don't accept if we are invited more frequently than that. We just are interested in different things and are in different places in our lives. I don't get really jazzed by trying a neat new decoration I saw on pinterest or trying a new dip recipe in the shape of something fabulous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:sad that so many are making this about money, as if you are somehow keeping score as to how much you spend on others and how much they spend on you. (of course some people really cannot afford to entertain much, and you need to respect that and not push.) we don't like to host for a variety of reasons, but when invited, we bring a bottle or two of wine, maybe some dessert, etc., so I'm sure we more than cover our share. The other have fun houses for entertaining and they enjoy it and I really doubt they resent it.

LOL this shows your ignorance. A couple of bottles of wine and dessert do not begin to cover the cost of feeding you and your spouse a dinner, plus unlimited drinks for an evening.

you are vile. are you pulling out your calculator and keeping track of what couple consumed how much? how low class and common. why would you entertain if you feel this way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:sad that so many are making this about money, as if you are somehow keeping score as to how much you spend on others and how much they spend on you. (of course some people really cannot afford to entertain much, and you need to respect that and not push.) we don't like to host for a variety of reasons, but when invited, we bring a bottle or two of wine, maybe some dessert, etc., so I'm sure we more than cover our share. The other have fun houses for entertaining and they enjoy it and I really doubt they resent it.

LOL this shows your ignorance. A couple of bottles of wine and dessert do not begin to cover the cost of feeding you and your spouse a dinner, plus unlimited drinks for an evening.

you are vile. are you pulling out your calculator and keeping track of what couple consumed how much? how low class and common. why would you entertain if you feel this way?

I know. This person (whom I believe is not the OP, so, OP, I am not targeting you here) seems to have a MASSIVE chip on her shoulder re hosting and reciprocating. Maybe she has a personal example in mind which has really gotten her goat. PP, maybe let us know what has made you feel so strongly about this issue. On a more personal level, though, I might suggest you find some way to let it go b/c you are just walking around so clenched up about this issue. You really are just making yourself unhappy. If someone in real life has gotten you so bugged about this issue, find some way to deal with it or just let it go. You'll probably be a happier person for it. Just my two cents of advice. . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:sad that so many are making this about money, as if you are somehow keeping score as to how much you spend on others and how much they spend on you. (of course some people really cannot afford to entertain much, and you need to respect that and not push.) we don't like to host for a variety of reasons, but when invited, we bring a bottle or two of wine, maybe some dessert, etc., so I'm sure we more than cover our share. The other have fun houses for entertaining and they enjoy it and I really doubt they resent it.

LOL this shows your ignorance. A couple of bottles of wine and dessert do not begin to cover the cost of feeding you and your spouse a dinner, plus unlimited drinks for an evening.

you are vile. are you pulling out your calculator and keeping track of what couple consumed how much? how low class and common. why would you entertain if you feel this way?

No. I just know that when our friends have catered food and three waitstaff to serve drinks and pass hors d'oeuvres, I can't reciprocate by bringing a $17 bottle of wine.

[Anonymous]

14:30, you'd give up a close friendship just so you don't have to have them for a nice occasion at your house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:14:30, you'd give up a close friendship just so you don't have to have them for a nice occasion at your house?

In this case, I was friends with the husband way back in high school. Since then, we have grown apart and the woman he has married has pulled him in sort of a different direction. Our family lifestyles and theirs have diverged and the hosting situation which we are discussing here is only emblematic of a lot of other differences.

[Anonymous]

Got it, understood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:sad that so many are making this about money, as if you are somehow keeping score as to how much you spend on others and how much they spend on you. (of course some people really cannot afford to entertain much, and you need to respect that and not push.) we don't like to host for a variety of reasons, but when invited, we bring a bottle or two of wine, maybe some dessert, etc., so I'm sure we more than cover our share. The other have fun houses for entertaining and they enjoy it and I really doubt they resent it.

LOL this shows your ignorance. A couple of bottles of wine and dessert do not begin to cover the cost of feeding you and your spouse a dinner, plus unlimited drinks for an evening.

you are vile. are you pulling out your calculator and keeping track of what couple consumed how much? how low class and common. why would you entertain if you feel this way?

No. I just know that when our friends have catered food and three waitstaff to serve drinks and pass hors d'oeuvres, I can't reciprocate by bringing a $17 bottle of wine.

You still haven't shared with us the reason why you personally are so worked up about this situation. What in real life has made you this way? Have you been taken advantage of in a big way by people you considered friends but now view as freeloaders?