AITA?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, just send the money and be glad you aren't dealing with this. This is the easiest decision ever.

Yeah, I know. But as I just texted a sibling, in the past I sent the money to reduce my sister's burden. Now it would be to reduce her guilt. So it's really not the same thing. But yeah, I know. Just suck it up and keep sending the money.

The money is to reduce your guilt for not lifting a finger other than offering up unwanted advice about how to do it better.

X100000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you reduce your contribution to match your siblings' contributions? I think you said you were paying more? That might make me feel a bit better, regardless if I could afford the higher amount.

Fwiw, I agree with you, OP. My 87yo father is still living at home, and my spendthrift but broke sibling makes expensive unilateral decisions that end up costing my father and me money so I get where you're coming from.

I suppose I could reduce, but it would annoy my sister. None of we siblings is hurting for money (including my sister who has plenty), but I am the best off by comparison.

You are the AH.

[Anonymous]

OP you decided to pay the money, why do you keep nitpicking at replies. What’s the objective?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe get in touch with the nursing home and inquire how this would work? I also have difficulties imagining an outsider not related to family visiting an elder in a nursing home, when the whole point of a nursing home is caretaking. Maybe people who have more experience with nursing homes should chime in. Otherwise it sounds like your sister wants to outsource her own visits with Larla, meaning she'd not go because it's depressing and instead Larla goes. Is your mom mentally out of it and has no clue who visits?

I suspect you've hit it right on the head. Larla isn't a professional caregiver. My sister just wants her to visit. She wants someone checking in on our mother every single day, but doesn't want to visit every day herself. And she wants the rest of us (primarily me) to pay for it.

Larla isn't being asked to do any of the things that posters have been throwing out -- laundry, medicines, shopping, etc. Just to visit. My sister does the other stuff and doesn't want anybody else doing it. Again, it's a guilt driven compulsion. That and she's a bit of a control freak. But that's another issue!

I mean it sounds like your sister has a job and other responsibilities. Even if you were local, would you be able to go to the nursing home every day?

I'm not saying I could or would. What I said is that it's what my sister wants. I don't think she needs visitors every day.

Well it was presented as two different things- that she wants someone checking in on her every day, and she doesn't want to make the daily visits herself. All I'm saying is that the latter would be a lot for any one person, particularly if they have other responsibilities, so I'm not sure why you frame it as her not wanting to visit. IMO, whether your mom needs daily check-ins should probably be collectively decided as a sibling group, but considering your sister is putting in most of the work and would likely be the first person the nursing home calls when things come up (right?) then continuing to delegate visits to a trusted family hire would provide her some peace of mind and continuity for your mom. You seem annoyed that you are sending more money than the rest of your siblings, but it seems like this should have been addressed earlier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What kind of money are you talking about? You send $300 a month or $6000?

More than $300 and less than $6000. We were paying for a non-professional to stop by my mother's house for a couple hours a day several days a week.

Ok well I know from personal experience that isn't that much money. You're loaded according to you. Just send the $1000 a month and be done with it. These non professionals work for peanuts and you know it.

Except we no longer need the non professional because she won't be living at home. That's my point.

But you were never sending that much to begin with. Now you're reimbursing your sister for her time, gas, mileage and everything else that goes with this ongoing care because every little need isn't covered by a home.

The nursing home is practically right next door to her job. Literally less than a minute away. That was part of the appeal for her. So there’s no gas or mileage involved. As for reimbursing her for her time, nope—I’m not reimbursing her for her time visiting her mother.

In any event, as I noted in my first post, she specifically said she wanted the money to pay Larla for continuing to visit. That’s what confuses me.

But whatever. I’m paying it.

You are starting to appear petty. If your sister asked for the money she must need it.

The way you described how you feel about your mother was kind of odd. “I don’t really like her” Another sibling doesn’t really like her either and another kind of likes her”. This sometimes comes out later in life when an elder relative needs their family. They come start talking about long ago slights or a time when the parent wasn’t there for a period of time because she was sicker than you realized as a child. I’ve heard some real trivial situations that 60 year old women hold on to and use it to justify why they’re not going to help.

Just help with money, it’s the easiest way to assist with your mother’s care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What kind of money are you talking about? You send $300 a month or $6000?

More than $300 and less than $6000. We were paying for a non-professional to stop by my mother's house for a couple hours a day several days a week.

Ok well I know from personal experience that isn't that much money. You're loaded according to you. Just send the $1000 a month and be done with it. These non professionals work for peanuts and you know it.

Except we no longer need the non professional because she won't be living at home. That's my point.

But you were never sending that much to begin with. Now you're reimbursing your sister for her time, gas, mileage and everything else that goes with this ongoing care because every little need isn't covered by a home.

The nursing home is practically right next door to her job. Literally less than a minute away. That was part of the appeal for her. So there’s no gas or mileage involved. As for reimbursing her for her time, nope—I’m not reimbursing her for her time visiting her mother.

In any event, as I noted in my first post, she specifically said she wanted the money to pay Larla for continuing to visit. That’s what confuses me.

But whatever. I’m paying it.

You are starting to appear petty. If your sister asked for the money she must need it.

The way you described how you feel about your mother was kind of odd. “I don’t really like her” Another sibling doesn’t really like her either and another kind of likes her”. This sometimes comes out later in life when an elder relative needs their family. They come start talking about long ago slights or a time when the parent wasn’t there for a period of time because she was sicker than you realized as a child. I’ve heard some real trivial situations that 60 year old women hold on to and use it to justify why they’re not going to help.

Just help with money, it’s the easiest way to assist with your mother’s care.

Maybe, maybe not. I don't think any of us are in a position to judge what is needed and in what amount. I wonder if OP suspects her sister is skimming off the top or otherwise taking advantage.

Agree with you overall though- as my grandma aged all sorts of old resentments came out among my mom and her siblings. In that case my grandma had enough $ and LTC to cover her care, but there were a lot of petty arguments over decisions and drudging up of things from childhood.

[Anonymous]

I haven’t read the entire thread, but understand that nursing homes are grossly understaffed.

Your sister still works a W-2 job.

Your sister is doing the heavy lifting. Even when your mother is in a nursing home, your sister will have a lot of work involved with her including medication, Doctor visits, laundry, hearing aids, physical therapy, clothing, Bill pay etc. These are a lot to manage while she is still working a W-2 job.

Private duty CNA’s would run you about $30 an hour in Maryland. Untrained home care workers run around $15 an hour in Maryland. It sounds like your sister has been using the untrained home care workers.

Continue to send the money so that mom gets the untrained home care workers visiting several hours a week.

Nursing home residents that have visitors get much better care.

Having the untrained home care worker visit several hours a week will help prevent bed sores.

Having the untrained home care worker visit several hours a week will also help Mom transition to her new home.

Pay the money unless you want to start visiting several hours a week and start doing some of the heavy lifting of Mom’s care.

[Anonymous]

OP, your kids will mirror your actions towards Mom with you when you become aged.

Do you want to be just dumped in a nursing home with no one coming by?

[Anonymous]

Don’t be a Scrooge with Mom’s care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you reduce your contribution to match your siblings' contributions? I think you said you were paying more? That might make me feel a bit better, regardless if I could afford the higher amount.

Fwiw, I agree with you, OP. My 87yo father is still living at home, and my spendthrift but broke sibling makes expensive unilateral decisions that end up costing my father and me money so I get where you're coming from.

I suppose I could reduce, but it would annoy my sister. None of we siblings is hurting for money (including my sister who has plenty), but I am the best off by comparison.

I think the upcoming change could be used as an opportunity to recalibrate your mom's needs and how much money is needed to fulfill those needs. A simple spreadhseet accounting the homecare worker's hourly rate, expected hours, plus any medications, clothing/personal care items, and other things that might be needed at the nursing home that Medicaid won't cover. I mean heck, you could even frame it as wanting to make sure you are all contributing enough. If it turns out that the total monthly contributions are more than is needed to satisfy expected expenditures, the leftover money could be set aside in a savings account for your sister to use for any unexpected expenses that may come up, future funeral costs, etc. Or you could decide to reduce your contribution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP your mother will die soon. Then you will be happy and free to spend your money on yourself. You don't like or love your mother or your sister.

Oh, please. It has nothing to do with that. And I like/love my sister fine. I didn't know that the definition of like/love is doing whatever someone asks without every questioning whether the ask makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, just send the money and be glad you aren't dealing with this. This is the easiest decision ever.

Yeah, I know. But as I just texted a sibling, in the past I sent the money to reduce my sister's burden. Now it would be to reduce her guilt. So it's really not the same thing. But yeah, I know. Just suck it up and keep sending the money.

The money is to reduce your guilt for not lifting a finger other than offering up unwanted advice about how to do it better.

X100000

Sorry, but nope. I feel no guilt and never will. And if you weren't so judgmental and actually read my posts with an open mind you'd know that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you decided to pay the money, why do you keep nitpicking at replies. What’s the objective?

Not nitpicking. Just replying. I mean, I could turn what you're saying around and ask since I've said several times that I'm paying the money why are folks still replying?

This is a chat board. People are chatting. It's all good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe get in touch with the nursing home and inquire how this would work? I also have difficulties imagining an outsider not related to family visiting an elder in a nursing home, when the whole point of a nursing home is caretaking. Maybe people who have more experience with nursing homes should chime in. Otherwise it sounds like your sister wants to outsource her own visits with Larla, meaning she'd not go because it's depressing and instead Larla goes. Is your mom mentally out of it and has no clue who visits?

I suspect you've hit it right on the head. Larla isn't a professional caregiver. My sister just wants her to visit. She wants someone checking in on our mother every single day, but doesn't want to visit every day herself. And she wants the rest of us (primarily me) to pay for it.

Larla isn't being asked to do any of the things that posters have been throwing out -- laundry, medicines, shopping, etc. Just to visit. My sister does the other stuff and doesn't want anybody else doing it. Again, it's a guilt driven compulsion. That and she's a bit of a control freak. But that's another issue!

I mean it sounds like your sister has a job and other responsibilities. Even if you were local, would you be able to go to the nursing home every day?

I'm not saying I could or would. What I said is that it's what my sister wants. I don't think she needs visitors every day.

Well it was presented as two different things- that she wants someone checking in on her every day, and she doesn't want to make the daily visits herself. All I'm saying is that the latter would be a lot for any one person, particularly if they have other responsibilities, so I'm not sure why you frame it as her not wanting to visit. IMO, whether your mom needs daily check-ins should probably be collectively decided as a sibling group, but considering your sister is putting in most of the work and would likely be the first person the nursing home calls when things come up (right?) then continuing to delegate visits to a trusted family hire would provide her some peace of mind and continuity for your mom. You seem annoyed that you are sending more money than the rest of your siblings, but it seems like this should have been addressed earlier.

Sigh. Whether a trusted family hire visits her or not our sister will always be the first person called. The trusted family hire would never be. As for her not wanting to make the daily visits herself, yes -- she has made clear that she doesn't/wouldn't like visiting our mother every day in a nursing home because she finds nursing homes "depressing." That was honestly her main driver for keeping our mother in her home for as long as she did. You don't know how many times she has said "I'd rather visit her every day at home than in a nursing home -- they're so depressing!"

Now that she will be in the nursing home, our sister still wants our mother to have daily visits. She just doesn't want to do them all herself. But this is entirely her thing. The rest of us don't care if she has daily visits, and frankly even when she does have visitors she either ignores them or is mean to them anyway. She sure as hell isn't the lady my MIL was. She's just not a pleasure to be around and, to be clear, never was.

So I'm basically being asked to pay $60 an hour for someone to visit my mother who doesn't even give a damn about her visiting -- or at least doesn't show it -- and to do this only so my sister feels better. And I'm going to do it, as I said, but that doesn't mean it makes sense and it doesn't make me a terrible person or sibling for scratching my head over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your kids will mirror your actions towards Mom with you when you become aged.

Do you want to be just dumped in a nursing home with no one coming by?

No way. People reap what they sow. No one has an obligation to visit a terrible parent just so their kids visit them later.