AITA?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Let me add one more thing. I texted my brother last night to question the need to keep sending money for Larla visits, and my brother--who actually likes my mother and just visited her-- replied "we kind of asked the same question." He went on to say that when he visited it was hard to see whether she "gave a shit" about anybody who was in the room, including our sister. He is convinced that she's "all there . . . just completely unmotivated" and thinks she needs a geriatric psychiatric evaluation.

It's just very hard to sympathize because she's always been difficult and the stroke just made her bad qualities even worse. And the irony of all of this is she and my sister never got along before the stroke and my sister still doesn't really even like her!

Again, we are not talking about paying a professional caregiver. Larla would do nothing but visit. To keep an eye on the real caregivers is what I suspect. But here's the thing: we could pay Larla a million dollars to be there 24/7 and my sister is still going to visit regularly. She just will. So a close eye will be kept regardless and Larla is just an unnecessary expense. And taking my brother at his word, why pay Larla to visit when my mother doesn't even "give a shit" that she's there?

So don't pay. You asked if you are the AH and people said yes but you don't want to hear about it. So, tell your sister no and then do what you want and hope you sleep well at night thinking you did the right thing.

LOL. I'm paying. I already said I was paying. I'm just responding to questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Instead of thinking about this money going towards your mother that you dislike, think of it as an investment in your relationship with your sister. Even if it's too assuage her guilt, who cares? Unless you can't afford it, I'd just think of it as a bill you don't control and let it go. If you can't afford it, ask your sister if it will derail things too much if you reduce your payment now that she's in the nursing home and see what she says.

I'm paying it. I don't want to, and I think it's silly, but I'm paying it. I am not raising this with my sister.

But yes, it's to allow for her to assuage her guilt by sending someone else to visit when she can't or doesn't want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Let me add one more thing. I texted my brother last night to question the need to keep sending money for Larla visits, and my brother--who actually likes my mother and just visited her-- replied "we kind of asked the same question." He went on to say that when he visited it was hard to see whether she "gave a shit" about anybody who was in the room, including our sister. He is convinced that she's "all there . . . just completely unmotivated" and thinks she needs a geriatric psychiatric evaluation.

It's just very hard to sympathize because she's always been difficult and the stroke just made her bad qualities even worse. And the irony of all of this is she and my sister never got along before the stroke and my sister still doesn't really even like her!

Again, we are not talking about paying a professional caregiver. Larla would do nothing but visit. To keep an eye on the real caregivers is what I suspect. But here's the thing: we could pay Larla a million dollars to be there 24/7 and my sister is still going to visit regularly. She just will. So a close eye will be kept regardless and Larla is just an unnecessary expense. And taking my brother at his word, why pay Larla to visit when my mother doesn't even "give a shit" that she's there?

Figure out a united front with other siblings. Maybe a compromise could be that Larla visits at the beginning and then she gets cut out? Maybe your sister wants to keep the familiarity of Larla and perhaps Larla actually gets along with your mom.

According to my sister, my mother treats Larla like shit whenever she visits. It just rolls off Larla. I am telling you, my sister wants Larla because she wants somebody visiting at least once a day and often twice, and she trusts Larla. So I will pay for many Larla visits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Let me add one more thing. I texted my brother last night to question the need to keep sending money for Larla visits, and my brother--who actually likes my mother and just visited her-- replied "we kind of asked the same question." He went on to say that when he visited it was hard to see whether she "gave a shit" about anybody who was in the room, including our sister. He is convinced that she's "all there . . . just completely unmotivated" and thinks she needs a geriatric psychiatric evaluation.

It's just very hard to sympathize because she's always been difficult and the stroke just made her bad qualities even worse. And the irony of all of this is she and my sister never got along before the stroke and my sister still doesn't really even like her!

Again, we are not talking about paying a professional caregiver. Larla would do nothing but visit. To keep an eye on the real caregivers is what I suspect. But here's the thing: we could pay Larla a million dollars to be there 24/7 and my sister is still going to visit regularly. She just will. So a close eye will be kept regardless and Larla is just an unnecessary expense. And taking my brother at his word, why pay Larla to visit when my mother doesn't even "give a shit" that she's there?

So don't pay. You asked if you are the AH and people said yes but you don't want to hear about it. So, tell your sister no and then do what you want and hope you sleep well at night thinking you did the right thing.

I’m in the minority and do not think she is the AH. There’s no point to hire Larla. The nursing home takes care of her. Even Cheap ones, have social events and meals. I think hiring her is simply a way to assuage the sisters’ guilt. Op says sister will still be managing and still be visiting. There really is no point for Larla.

As someone who has done a lot or elder care, I disagree.

Others have already explained that there is still a significant burden on caregivers when an LO enters AL or SNF. Sister will be doing that, so Larla’s visits make more time for Sister to do those things.

Larla provides stability, which will help both sister and mom to adjust

In any care setting, whether it’s Medicaid or high expense, the people who receive the best care have a roster of frequent visitors. Staff is more attentive when they know that someone might pop in at any time.

OP, it’s clear that the relationships here are complicated. You may feel more at peace with the arrangements if you reframe how you think about your mother and your sister.
-Whatever she did in the past, your mom’s a vulnerable person now.
-Sister makes different choices than you would, but she’s freeing you from any burden in making them

Finally, you’ve referenced the amount of your contributions in relation to others several times. At times it’s sounded resentful but I could be misinterpreting. I think when siblings take on these expenses proportionally, it’s really best for everyone. It means that the burden is shared more equally and that’s better for sibling relationships in the future. It sounds like your family has manged this well up until now and I compliment you on that. I wouldn’t rock that boat.

I agree with you and obviously so does my sister. But we are talking about a rural area where my sister is not only pretty well known but as I said works practically next door and will be visiting frequently regardless of Larla. Our mother is guaranteed to have a frequent and frankly pretty demanding visitor in my sister who is not a shrinking violet and the home will be on its toes regardless. My sister will do everything else that she feels needs to be done for our mother whether Larla is visiting or not. Larla is superfluous in every way.

And no, she's not freeing me from any burden. To me, the burden was having to listen to how much of a strain not moving her to a home was putting on her and her husband but recoiling every time anyone suggested it might be a better idea, while paying every month for an arrangement that I never thought made much sense for either her or my mother. I thought the burden was about to be lifted. And it is, but only partially. I'm still sending money for something that I don't think makes sense.

[Anonymous]

I think I missed something. Who is paying for the nursing home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I missed something. Who is paying for the nursing home?

Medicaid.
But it's "nice"

I don't understand how- doesn't OP have to sell the house and use those assets first before Medicaid kicks in?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I missed something. Who is paying for the nursing home?

Medicaid.
But it's "nice"

I don't understand how- doesn't OP have to sell the house and use those assets first before Medicaid kicks in?

OP here. Our mother doesn't own a home.

[Anonymous]

OP, just pay the money since you can afford it. Right now you're angry and frustrated and at some level you just want it over. But eventually it will be over and you do this for yourself, for when you are older and need help and don't have to feel any guilt (even though you don't feel it now) when you realize how hard end of life is. And it's easy to say you'd just put her in a nursing home and be done with it. But when you are actually on the ground, day to day, things look very different.

Frankly, I commend you for sending the money. I know the anger, and it can be hard to do for a parent what you feel they never did you for. But down the road, it will feel better to have done it.

[Anonymous]

OP I agree with your stance 100%.


And like you mentioned already, I’d continue to pay sister to keep the peace if I were in your shoes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, just pay the money since you can afford it. Right now you're angry and frustrated and at some level you just want it over. But eventually it will be over and you do this for yourself, for when you are older and need help and don't have to feel any guilt (even though you don't feel it now) when you realize how hard end of life is. And it's easy to say you'd just put her in a nursing home and be done with it. But when you are actually on the ground, day to day, things look very different.

Frankly, I commend you for sending the money. I know the anger, and it can be hard to do for a parent what you feel they never did you for. But down the road, it will feel better to have done it.

Thanks. Honestly it's more frustration than anger. I just don't understand my sister's stance. And again, she's really not be puttin in a nursing home and "done." My sister will visit very frequently whether Larla also visits or not. She just will. But I hear you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I agree with your stance 100%.


And like you mentioned already, I’d continue to pay sister to keep the peace if I were in your shoes.

Thanks. And now there's this: my brother just told me that Larla charges 60 dollars an hour for her visits!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I agree with your stance 100%.


And like you mentioned already, I’d continue to pay sister to keep the peace if I were in your shoes.

Thanks. And now there's this: my brother just told me that Larla charges 60 dollars an hour for her visits!

Well that’s a lot, lol. I would pay for a few months so Larla is present through the transition and everyone settles in to the new normal. Then re-evaluate. Maybe y’all will think it’s helpful to have Larla there, maybe she won’t be needed anymore. But don’t make changes now, there is enough going on at the moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I agree with your stance 100%.


And like you mentioned already, I’d continue to pay sister to keep the peace if I were in your shoes.

Thanks. And now there's this: my brother just told me that Larla charges 60 dollars an hour for her visits!

Well that’s a lot, lol. I would pay for a few months so Larla is present through the transition and everyone settles in to the new normal. Then re-evaluate. Maybe y’all will think it’s helpful to have Larla there, maybe she won’t be needed anymore. But don’t make changes now, there is enough going on at the moment.

Yea, I've been texting with my brother about this. I said "JFC what does she do and why does she need to do it in [the nursing home]?" He said "her job is to keep Mom company. I think she might sometimes rub her feet . . . maybe [our sister] feels some guilt or something."

Okay . . .

Yea, yea, yea I'll pay it.

[Anonymous]

I think if you are paying Larla’s salary, I would ask for her schedule. Would this ask irritate your sister?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe get in touch with the nursing home and inquire how this would work? I also have difficulties imagining an outsider not related to family visiting an elder in a nursing home, when the whole point of a nursing home is caretaking. Maybe people who have more experience with nursing homes should chime in. Otherwise it sounds like your sister wants to outsource her own visits with Larla, meaning she'd not go because it's depressing and instead Larla goes. Is your mom mentally out of it and has no clue who visits?

We had to pay for overnight caregivers for my mil in memory care in a sunrise at $9k per month. they were good they just didn't have the staff to have someone on her all through the night and it was worth it to us after a fall. but that was a huge amount of money, maybe an additional $5k per month. op can afford it and doesn't want to do any of the work herself so she should just pay. her sister will deal with staffing issues when a caregiver calls in sick, etc. no brainer.