AITA?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually agree with you OP. You don't have to pay a care giver to visit her in a home.

Not true. You would have to pay a care giver to visit her in a home.

The poster means it's unnecessary to have one. Not that you wouldn't have to pay one if you did.

[Anonymous]

Your husband has given you very sounds advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who is covering the cost of the nursing home if your mother doesn’t have any money?

Medicaid. And anticipating that you're going to jump all over me, it's a nice place regardless. I know it well, as do our other siblings, one of whom is in the field.

There's no reason to jump on you.

I am unclear as to why she needs Larla when there is a full staff at the nursing home. Can you clarify?

They will likely call almost daily with concerns, needs, chores they charge extra for, coordination, etc.

This and there's an expectation for visits and groceries. They don't always like the food or have certain favorites they like to eat. You don't just park them in a home and forget them.

You don't know my mother. And besides, she's not being parked in a home and forgotten. My sister is putting her in a home right next to her job and will visit often because she feels compelled to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe get in touch with the nursing home and inquire how this would work? I also have difficulties imagining an outsider not related to family visiting an elder in a nursing home, when the whole point of a nursing home is caretaking. Maybe people who have more experience with nursing homes should chime in. Otherwise it sounds like your sister wants to outsource her own visits with Larla, meaning she'd not go because it's depressing and instead Larla goes. Is your mom mentally out of it and has no clue who visits?

I suspect you've hit it right on the head. Larla isn't a professional caregiver. My sister just wants her to visit. She wants someone checking in on our mother every single day, but doesn't want to visit every day herself. And she wants the rest of us (primarily me) to pay for it.

Larla isn't being asked to do any of the things that posters have been throwing out -- laundry, medicines, shopping, etc. Just to visit. My sister does the other stuff and doesn't want anybody else doing it. Again, it's a guilt driven compulsion. That and she's a bit of a control freak. But that's another issue!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband has given you very sounds advice.

Who said it was a husband?

In any event, their advice is usually right. But they have a different family dynamic. And they had a very nice mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who is covering the cost of the nursing home if your mother doesn’t have any money?

Medicaid. And anticipating that you're going to jump all over me, it's a nice place regardless. I know it well, as do our other siblings, one of whom is in the field.

There's no reason to jump on you.

I am unclear as to why she needs Larla when there is a full staff at the nursing home. Can you clarify?

They will likely call almost daily with concerns, needs, chores they charge extra for, coordination, etc.

This and there's an expectation for visits and groceries. They don't always like the food or have certain favorites they like to eat. You don't just park them in a home and forget them.

You don't know my mother. And besides, she's not being parked in a home and forgotten. My sister is putting her in a home right next to her job and will visit often because she feels compelled to.

So don't pay and be the cheap sister. Nobody cares that much.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Let me add one more thing. I texted my brother last night to question the need to keep sending money for Larla visits, and my brother--who actually likes my mother and just visited her-- replied "we kind of asked the same question." He went on to say that when he visited it was hard to see whether she "gave a shit" about anybody who was in the room, including our sister. He is convinced that she's "all there . . . just completely unmotivated" and thinks she needs a geriatric psychiatric evaluation.

It's just very hard to sympathize because she's always been difficult and the stroke just made her bad qualities even worse. And the irony of all of this is she and my sister never got along before the stroke and my sister still doesn't really even like her!

Again, we are not talking about paying a professional caregiver. Larla would do nothing but visit. To keep an eye on the real caregivers is what I suspect. But here's the thing: we could pay Larla a million dollars to be there 24/7 and my sister is still going to visit regularly. She just will. So a close eye will be kept regardless and Larla is just an unnecessary expense. And taking my brother at his word, why pay Larla to visit when my mother doesn't even "give a shit" that she's there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who is covering the cost of the nursing home if your mother doesn’t have any money?

Medicaid. And anticipating that you're going to jump all over me, it's a nice place regardless. I know it well, as do our other siblings, one of whom is in the field.

There's no reason to jump on you.

I am unclear as to why she needs Larla when there is a full staff at the nursing home. Can you clarify?

They will likely call almost daily with concerns, needs, chores they charge extra for, coordination, etc.

This and there's an expectation for visits and groceries. They don't always like the food or have certain favorites they like to eat. You don't just park them in a home and forget them.

You don't know my mother. And besides, she's not being parked in a home and forgotten. My sister is putting her in a home right next to her job and will visit often because she feels compelled to.

So don't pay and be the cheap sister. Nobody cares that much.

Well, you don't. My sister will!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Let me add one more thing. I texted my brother last night to question the need to keep sending money for Larla visits, and my brother--who actually likes my mother and just visited her-- replied "we kind of asked the same question." He went on to say that when he visited it was hard to see whether she "gave a shit" about anybody who was in the room, including our sister. He is convinced that she's "all there . . . just completely unmotivated" and thinks she needs a geriatric psychiatric evaluation.

It's just very hard to sympathize because she's always been difficult and the stroke just made her bad qualities even worse. And the irony of all of this is she and my sister never got along before the stroke and my sister still doesn't really even like her!

Again, we are not talking about paying a professional caregiver. Larla would do nothing but visit. To keep an eye on the real caregivers is what I suspect. But here's the thing: we could pay Larla a million dollars to be there 24/7 and my sister is still going to visit regularly. She just will. So a close eye will be kept regardless and Larla is just an unnecessary expense. And taking my brother at his word, why pay Larla to visit when my mother doesn't even "give a shit" that she's there?

So don't pay. You asked if you are the AH and people said yes but you don't want to hear about it. So, tell your sister no and then do what you want and hope you sleep well at night thinking you did the right thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Let me add one more thing. I texted my brother last night to question the need to keep sending money for Larla visits, and my brother--who actually likes my mother and just visited her-- replied "we kind of asked the same question." He went on to say that when he visited it was hard to see whether she "gave a shit" about anybody who was in the room, including our sister. He is convinced that she's "all there . . . just completely unmotivated" and thinks she needs a geriatric psychiatric evaluation.

It's just very hard to sympathize because she's always been difficult and the stroke just made her bad qualities even worse. And the irony of all of this is she and my sister never got along before the stroke and my sister still doesn't really even like her!

Again, we are not talking about paying a professional caregiver. Larla would do nothing but visit. To keep an eye on the real caregivers is what I suspect. But here's the thing: we could pay Larla a million dollars to be there 24/7 and my sister is still going to visit regularly. She just will. So a close eye will be kept regardless and Larla is just an unnecessary expense. And taking my brother at his word, why pay Larla to visit when my mother doesn't even "give a shit" that she's there?

So don't pay. You asked if you are the AH and people said yes but you don't want to hear about it. So, tell your sister no and then do what you want and hope you sleep well at night thinking you did the right thing.

I’m in the minority and do not think she is the AH. There’s no point to hire Larla. The nursing home takes care of her. Even Cheap ones, have social events and meals. I think hiring her is simply a way to assuage the sisters’ guilt. Op says sister will still be managing and still be visiting. There really is no point for Larla.

[Anonymous]

Instead of thinking about this money going towards your mother that you dislike, think of it as an investment in your relationship with your sister. Even if it's too assuage her guilt, who cares? Unless you can't afford it, I'd just think of it as a bill you don't control and let it go. If you can't afford it, ask your sister if it will derail things too much if you reduce your payment now that she's in the nursing home and see what she says.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Let me add one more thing. I texted my brother last night to question the need to keep sending money for Larla visits, and my brother--who actually likes my mother and just visited her-- replied "we kind of asked the same question." He went on to say that when he visited it was hard to see whether she "gave a shit" about anybody who was in the room, including our sister. He is convinced that she's "all there . . . just completely unmotivated" and thinks she needs a geriatric psychiatric evaluation.

It's just very hard to sympathize because she's always been difficult and the stroke just made her bad qualities even worse. And the irony of all of this is she and my sister never got along before the stroke and my sister still doesn't really even like her!

Again, we are not talking about paying a professional caregiver. Larla would do nothing but visit. To keep an eye on the real caregivers is what I suspect. But here's the thing: we could pay Larla a million dollars to be there 24/7 and my sister is still going to visit regularly. She just will. So a close eye will be kept regardless and Larla is just an unnecessary expense. And taking my brother at his word, why pay Larla to visit when my mother doesn't even "give a shit" that she's there?

Figure out a united front with other siblings. Maybe a compromise could be that Larla visits at the beginning and then she gets cut out? Maybe your sister wants to keep the familiarity of Larla and perhaps Larla actually gets along with your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Let me add one more thing. I texted my brother last night to question the need to keep sending money for Larla visits, and my brother--who actually likes my mother and just visited her-- replied "we kind of asked the same question." He went on to say that when he visited it was hard to see whether she "gave a shit" about anybody who was in the room, including our sister. He is convinced that she's "all there . . . just completely unmotivated" and thinks she needs a geriatric psychiatric evaluation.

It's just very hard to sympathize because she's always been difficult and the stroke just made her bad qualities even worse. And the irony of all of this is she and my sister never got along before the stroke and my sister still doesn't really even like her!

Again, we are not talking about paying a professional caregiver. Larla would do nothing but visit. To keep an eye on the real caregivers is what I suspect. But here's the thing: we could pay Larla a million dollars to be there 24/7 and my sister is still going to visit regularly. She just will. So a close eye will be kept regardless and Larla is just an unnecessary expense. And taking my brother at his word, why pay Larla to visit when my mother doesn't even "give a shit" that she's there?

So don't pay. You asked if you are the AH and people said yes but you don't want to hear about it. So, tell your sister no and then do what you want and hope you sleep well at night thinking you did the right thing.

I’m in the minority and do not think she is the AH. There’s no point to hire Larla. The nursing home takes care of her. Even Cheap ones, have social events and meals. I think hiring her is simply a way to assuage the sisters’ guilt. Op says sister will still be managing and still be visiting. There really is no point for Larla.

As someone who has done a lot or elder care, I disagree.

Others have already explained that there is still a significant burden on caregivers when an LO enters AL or SNF. Sister will be doing that, so Larla’s visits make more time for Sister to do those things.

Larla provides stability, which will help both sister and mom to adjust

In any care setting, whether it’s Medicaid or high expense, the people who receive the best care have a roster of frequent visitors. Staff is more attentive when they know that someone might pop in at any time.

OP, it’s clear that the relationships here are complicated. You may feel more at peace with the arrangements if you reframe how you think about your mother and your sister.
-Whatever she did in the past, your mom’s a vulnerable person now.
-Sister makes different choices than you would, but she’s freeing you from any burden in making them

Finally, you’ve referenced the amount of your contributions in relation to others several times. At times it’s sounded resentful but I could be misinterpreting. I think when siblings take on these expenses proportionally, it’s really best for everyone. It means that the burden is shared more equally and that’s better for sibling relationships in the future. It sounds like your family has manged this well up until now and I compliment you on that. I wouldn’t rock that boat.

[Anonymous]

Post this question in the eldercare forum to get a better sense of what the nursing home does not do. I have a sister who lives close to my mother in a nursing home and I think of Blue Sky services right away. My sister usually visits after work and most of the staff have left for the day and meals are finished at that point. If there is someone who can drop in for a couple of hours before lunch that is worth gold. If my mother is not dressed then she does not leave her room to eat breakfast or lunch, gets frail, catches a UTI, then my sister is missing her work or her three kids activities to rush our mother to the hospital as an emergency. It really does take a big support system to keep things from becoming a crisis.

[Anonymous]

First of all, anyone I know who has a parent/loved one in a nursing home visits all the time and actually, pretty much daily. This shows the staff that you are visible and highly interested in your parent’s care. They noticed is grandma is clean, fed, and receiving meds. My girlfriend would visit her mom at different times of the day so she wasn’t expected at X hour and to familiarize herself with various staff members.

That said, if you and your family want to be a presence in a nursing home, a once/week visit isn’t enough. Obviously, your sister will be there often, but Larla could fill in the gaps (during the day since your sister works). If you are paying Larla, will she have a set schedule? If she visits M,W and Friday and stays X hours, do you pay her an hourly rate? She can be a extra pair of eyes and that is valuable.