AITA?

[Anonymous]

Can you reduce your contribution to match your siblings' contributions? I think you said you were paying more? That might make me feel a bit better, regardless if I could afford the higher amount.

Fwiw, I agree with you, OP. My 87yo father is still living at home, and my spendthrift but broke sibling makes expensive unilateral decisions that end up costing my father and me money so I get where you're coming from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What level of care does your mother need? Does she need help with bathing, grooming, making herself, tea, getting dressed? Are these people who will have a car and can take your mother out to the grocery store or doctors appointments? Staffing at these facilities is always thin. Hiring somebody to come check in on your mother and help her out with things will give her a better quality of life and ensure that she gets whatever assistance she needs.

Among all of the siblings, how much money total will you be sending? Having someone come for a few hours a day every day would be about $3500 a month.

If it’s Medicaid, when your mother passes, will there be any estate or will there be nothing to inherit?

There is no estate. She has no assets and lives on Social Security and what we send her. And I question the need for someone who isn't family to be paid to come visit her for a few hours a day once she's in the nursing home. When she was in her own home, sure. But now she isn't.

What I really think is going on here is my sister wants to continue to keep a very close eye on her, exactly as she did when she was in her own home, but doesn't want to do it on her own. As I said, she long resisted a nursing home because she says she finds them too depressing to visit. And she likes and trusts the woman we've been paying to come to the house and now just wants her to come to the home. In other words, she wants the same set up for overseeing our mother, only now in a home instead of her house. And I question the need for that.

I see what you are saying, but this may just work itself out eventually. Like if the woman who's been doing this moved on to a new job, would your sister hire anyone else? And maybe your sister won't feel the need for that many hours after a certain period of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe get in touch with the nursing home and inquire how this would work? I also have difficulties imagining an outsider not related to family visiting an elder in a nursing home, when the whole point of a nursing home is caretaking. Maybe people who have more experience with nursing homes should chime in. Otherwise it sounds like your sister wants to outsource her own visits with Larla, meaning she'd not go because it's depressing and instead Larla goes. Is your mom mentally out of it and has no clue who visits?

I suspect you've hit it right on the head. Larla isn't a professional caregiver. My sister just wants her to visit. She wants someone checking in on our mother every single day, but doesn't want to visit every day herself. And she wants the rest of us (primarily me) to pay for it.

Larla isn't being asked to do any of the things that posters have been throwing out -- laundry, medicines, shopping, etc. Just to visit. My sister does the other stuff and doesn't want anybody else doing it. Again, it's a guilt driven compulsion. That and she's a bit of a control freak. But that's another issue!

I mean it sounds like your sister has a job and other responsibilities. Even if you were local, would you be able to go to the nursing home every day?

[Anonymous]

You could always move home and be there in person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You could always move home and be there in person.

NP. Please, why would OP do that? OP is supposed to uproot her life and family for her 90yo mother who lives, and is being cared for, in a nursing home? There is no need for OP to move there and there is likely no need to pay someone just to visit with the mother either, but this is the situation the sister has created.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who is covering the cost of the nursing home if your mother doesn’t have any money?

Medicaid. And anticipating that you're going to jump all over me, it's a nice place regardless. I know it well, as do our other siblings, one of whom is in the field.

Let your sister use the money to make your mother’s life better in whatever way makes sense to her.

Medicaid leaves the individual with so little extra money per month — things will come up. And having an extra set of eyes at the nursing home is not a bad idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe get in touch with the nursing home and inquire how this would work? I also have difficulties imagining an outsider not related to family visiting an elder in a nursing home, when the whole point of a nursing home is caretaking. Maybe people who have more experience with nursing homes should chime in. Otherwise it sounds like your sister wants to outsource her own visits with Larla, meaning she'd not go because it's depressing and instead Larla goes. Is your mom mentally out of it and has no clue who visits?

We had to pay for overnight caregivers for my mil in memory care in a sunrise at $9k per month. they were good they just didn't have the staff to have someone on her all through the night and it was worth it to us after a fall. but that was a huge amount of money, maybe an additional $5k per month. op can afford it and doesn't want to do any of the work herself so she should just pay. her sister will deal with staffing issues when a caregiver calls in sick, etc. no brainer.

OP here. Our mother isn't in memory care. She's fine mentally. My sister just wants Larla to visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you reduce your contribution to match your siblings' contributions? I think you said you were paying more? That might make me feel a bit better, regardless if I could afford the higher amount.

Fwiw, I agree with you, OP. My 87yo father is still living at home, and my spendthrift but broke sibling makes expensive unilateral decisions that end up costing my father and me money so I get where you're coming from.

I suppose I could reduce, but it would annoy my sister. None of we siblings is hurting for money (including my sister who has plenty), but I am the best off by comparison.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe get in touch with the nursing home and inquire how this would work? I also have difficulties imagining an outsider not related to family visiting an elder in a nursing home, when the whole point of a nursing home is caretaking. Maybe people who have more experience with nursing homes should chime in. Otherwise it sounds like your sister wants to outsource her own visits with Larla, meaning she'd not go because it's depressing and instead Larla goes. Is your mom mentally out of it and has no clue who visits?

I suspect you've hit it right on the head. Larla isn't a professional caregiver. My sister just wants her to visit. She wants someone checking in on our mother every single day, but doesn't want to visit every day herself. And she wants the rest of us (primarily me) to pay for it.

Larla isn't being asked to do any of the things that posters have been throwing out -- laundry, medicines, shopping, etc. Just to visit. My sister does the other stuff and doesn't want anybody else doing it. Again, it's a guilt driven compulsion. That and she's a bit of a control freak. But that's another issue!

I mean it sounds like your sister has a job and other responsibilities. Even if you were local, would you be able to go to the nursing home every day?

I'm not saying I could or would. What I said is that it's what my sister wants. I don't think she needs visitors every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could always move home and be there in person.

NP. Please, why would OP do that? OP is supposed to uproot her life and family for her 90yo mother who lives, and is being cared for, in a nursing home? There is no need for OP to move there and there is likely no need to pay someone just to visit with the mother either, but this is the situation the sister has created.

OP here. This, exactly. And, again, I'm not sitting here saying my sister needs to do any of this at all. She's the one who has decided to take it all on. As you might have read in one of my earlier posts, I have a brother who's local and he doesn't even visit our mother. He gives my sister money -- less than me -- and that's it. This is my sister's decision and I feel no guilt about it and cannot be shamed about it either.

[Anonymous]

Just pay the money. Totally worth it

[Anonymous]

I almost feel like it would be better for your sibling to be spending the money on themselves rather than your mother. Like she needs the break and the weekly massage and therapy for what she’s been doing. It would probably make everyone happier than spending it for someone to visit on your sister’s days that she can’t make it to visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I almost feel like it would be better for your sibling to be spending the money on themselves rather than your mother. Like she needs the break and the weekly massage and therapy for what she’s been doing. It would probably make everyone happier than spending it for someone to visit on your sister’s days that she can’t make it to visit.

My sister doesn't need money from me to spend on herself. She has plenty of her own money, an excellent pension, a $2 million house with no mortgage, and no children. She only works because she wants to. She chose before to take on caring for our mother in her home, which the rest of us would not have done, but we still sent money for supplemental caregivers. She's now choosing the nursing home, and it's one right next to her (part-time) job. Now she can give herself a break whenever she chooses; it just means on those days our mother might not have visitors. The rest of us are ok with that. Only she isn't. So giving her money for therapy and massages solves nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just pay the money. Totally worth it

I am.

[Anonymous]

OP your mother will die soon. Then you will be happy and free to spend your money on yourself. You don't like or love your mother or your sister.