AITA?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who is covering the cost of the nursing home if your mother doesn’t have any money?

Medicaid. And anticipating that you're going to jump all over me, it's a nice place regardless. I know it well, as do our other siblings, one of whom is in the field.

[Anonymous]

Not a burden to your family? Send it, send it, send it.

You've been doing a good job navigating a tough situation so far - you're appreciative, you're keeping your advice to yourself, and you're supporting your sister in the way she asks (money for respite care). Your sister probably feels tremendous guilt over the nursing home, and keeping this care going during the transition probably makes her feel better. It's possible that over the years, your sister will want to back off on the respite care, but let her drive the train on that.

Think about it this way - if you were doing it your way, and your sister didn't exist, you would have a TON more logistics, emotional labor, etc to deal with. Yeah, it might be a tenth of what your sister does, but that's still a lot. This of this as a fee for that service to your sister, and send the money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not a burden to your family? Send it, send it, send it.

You've been doing a good job navigating a tough situation so far - you're appreciative, you're keeping your advice to yourself, and you're supporting your sister in the way she asks (money for respite care). Your sister probably feels tremendous guilt over the nursing home, and keeping this care going during the transition probably makes her feel better. It's possible that over the years, your sister will want to back off on the respite care, but let her drive the train on that.

Think about it this way - if you were doing it your way, and your sister didn't exist, you would have a TON more logistics, emotional labor, etc to deal with. Yeah, it might be a tenth of what your sister does, but that's still a lot. This of this as a fee for that service to your sister, and send the money.

You're absolutely right on all fronts, and I appreciate the advice. It's nice to see an adult on DCUM for a change.

[Anonymous]

YTA

[Anonymous]

Oh my goodness yes pay the money. You have no idea how lucky you are to have someone on the ground willing to do all of this. This is like hours upon hours upon stressful hours of uncompensated work plus emotional labor. You are getting the better deal

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand why you would need to supplement the care provided by the nursing home. She might need money for incidentals (hair, activities, clothing, etc). I would expect that to be far less costly.

I’d think your family would be better served by saving that money in case factors arise that would require such additional care rather than spending it on basically what will amount to a visitor since she won’t need care.

[Anonymous]

What level of care does your mother need? Does she need help with bathing, grooming, making herself, tea, getting dressed? Are these people who will have a car and can take your mother out to the grocery store or doctors appointments? Staffing at these facilities is always thin. Hiring somebody to come check in on your mother and help her out with things will give her a better quality of life and ensure that she gets whatever assistance she needs.

Among all of the siblings, how much money total will you be sending? Having someone come for a few hours a day every day would be about $3500 a month.

If it’s Medicaid, when your mother passes, will there be any estate or will there be nothing to inherit?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not a burden to your family? Send it, send it, send it.

You've been doing a good job navigating a tough situation so far - you're appreciative, you're keeping your advice to yourself, and you're supporting your sister in the way she asks (money for respite care). Your sister probably feels tremendous guilt over the nursing home, and keeping this care going during the transition probably makes her feel better. It's possible that over the years, your sister will want to back off on the respite care, but let her drive the train on that.

Think about it this way - if you were doing it your way, and your sister didn't exist, you would have a TON more logistics, emotional labor, etc to deal with. Yeah, it might be a tenth of what your sister does, but that's still a lot. This of this as a fee for that service to your sister, and send the money.

You're absolutely right on all fronts, and I appreciate the advice. It's nice to see an adult on DCUM for a change.

Good grief. Are you this condescending in real life? You do realize you are asking us for advice, right? You didn't have to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, just send the money and be glad you aren't dealing with this. This is the easiest decision ever.

Yeah, I know. But as I just texted a sibling, in the past I sent the money to reduce my sister's burden. Now it would be to reduce her guilt. So it's really not the same thing. But yeah, I know. Just suck it up and keep sending the money.

But it is still to reduce your sister’s burden. At least for me, we still have to do our elder’s laundry, and drive to specialist appointments, and fetch medicine not stocked in their pharmacy, and stuff so the nursing home wasn’t exactly completely free of logistical challenges. Helping your sister hire that out is still helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who is paying for the home?
Is this a financial burden for your family?
How much are we talking about and what’s the differential between what you think she needs (nursing home cost if included, gas to visit, time off work, stuff she buys for your mother, care for kids or pets when she’s with your mother, etc) and what she’s getting?
What do you think is fair compensation for your sibling’s services?

I would err on the side of generosity, but if the differential is too high, then feel free to reduce it a bit, while keeping a “fee for services”. You’re essentially paying her to be the boots on the ground, and that cost is added to the actual costs of care. This is what my father paid for his two sisters to care for their mother: actual costs plus extra for their services. They lived in east Asia and we could not visit often.

My sister has not been paying for any of my mother's care and won't be paying for the home either. What she has been offering is her time, and no we have not been compensating her for it. But, honestly, she's been doing much of it voluntarily so far as I'm concerned. She just didn't want her in a home, point blank, whereas I would have done it in a heartbeat.

No, this isn't a financial burden for my family.

OK. I think what’s missing here is what your mother wanted.

My 90 year old MIL with Parkinson’s has been clear she wants to live at home. She’s got all her marbles but she’s physically frail. Her children have supported her wishes by hiring round the clock aides. Two siblings are local and one acts as boots on the grounds, visiting her often, accompanying her to appointments, checking her meds, supervising the aides, maintaining her home, etc. The money comes from sources that my husband manages (considered family money). Another sibling does her taxes.

The wishes of the elder need to be taken into account, OP. It feels as if you resent your sibling for keeping her in her home for so long, but maybe your mother was happier that way?

Anyway. I get there’s family history and differences of opinions as to her care. Ultimately you should give what you are comfortable with and be prepared to live with the consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What kind of money are you talking about? You send $300 a month or $6000?

More than $300 and less than $6000. We were paying for a non-professional to stop by my mother's house for a couple hours a day several days a week.

Ok well I know from personal experience that isn't that much money. You're loaded according to you. Just send the $1000 a month and be done with it. These non professionals work for peanuts and you know it.

Except we no longer need the non professional because she won't be living at home. That's my point.

But you were never sending that much to begin with. Now you're reimbursing your sister for her time, gas, mileage and everything else that goes with this ongoing care because every little need isn't covered by a home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not a burden to your family? Send it, send it, send it.

You've been doing a good job navigating a tough situation so far - you're appreciative, you're keeping your advice to yourself, and you're supporting your sister in the way she asks (money for respite care). Your sister probably feels tremendous guilt over the nursing home, and keeping this care going during the transition probably makes her feel better. It's possible that over the years, your sister will want to back off on the respite care, but let her drive the train on that.

Think about it this way - if you were doing it your way, and your sister didn't exist, you would have a TON more logistics, emotional labor, etc to deal with. Yeah, it might be a tenth of what your sister does, but that's still a lot. This of this as a fee for that service to your sister, and send the money.

You're absolutely right on all fronts, and I appreciate the advice. It's nice to see an adult on DCUM for a change.

Good grief. Are you this condescending in real life? You do realize you are asking us for advice, right? You didn't have to do that.

I directed that comment at one particular snide and nasty poster. The rest of you have been helpful. You’re right. I apologize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What kind of money are you talking about? You send $300 a month or $6000?

More than $300 and less than $6000. We were paying for a non-professional to stop by my mother's house for a couple hours a day several days a week.

Ok well I know from personal experience that isn't that much money. You're loaded according to you. Just send the $1000 a month and be done with it. These non professionals work for peanuts and you know it.

Except we no longer need the non professional because she won't be living at home. That's my point.

But you were never sending that much to begin with. Now you're reimbursing your sister for her time, gas, mileage and everything else that goes with this ongoing care because every little need isn't covered by a home.

The nursing home is practically right next door to her job. Literally less than a minute away. That was part of the appeal for her. So there’s no gas or mileage involved. As for reimbursing her for her time, nope—I’m not reimbursing her for her time visiting her mother.

In any event, as I noted in my first post, she specifically said she wanted the money to pay Larla for continuing to visit. That’s what confuses me.

But whatever. I’m paying it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What kind of money are you talking about? You send $300 a month or $6000?

More than $300 and less than $6000. We were paying for a non-professional to stop by my mother's house for a couple hours a day several days a week.

Ok well I know from personal experience that isn't that much money. You're loaded according to you. Just send the $1000 a month and be done with it. These non professionals work for peanuts and you know it.

Except we no longer need the non professional because she won't be living at home. That's my point.

But you were never sending that much to begin with. Now you're reimbursing your sister for her time, gas, mileage and everything else that goes with this ongoing care because every little need isn't covered by a home.

The nursing home is practically right next door to her job. Literally less than a minute away. That was part of the appeal for her. So there’s no gas or mileage involved. As for reimbursing her for her time, nope—I’m not reimbursing her for her time visiting her mother.

In any event, as I noted in my first post, she specifically said she wanted the money to pay Larla for continuing to visit. That’s what confuses me.

But whatever. I’m paying it.

Good because nobody agrees here that you aren't TA. Just pay the pittance and be grateful you don't have to keep running from your job to deal with your parent.

[Anonymous]

Send the same amount. Being in nursing home requires your sibling to manage many communications, and more - depending on situation. It can be just as time consuming and difficult. Be grateful she is taking her private time to do this for the family, and send the money.