AITA?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who is covering the cost of the nursing home if your mother doesn’t have any money?

Medicaid. And anticipating that you're going to jump all over me, it's a nice place regardless. I know it well, as do our other siblings, one of whom is in the field.

There's no reason to jump on you.

I am unclear as to why she needs Larla when there is a full staff at the nursing home. Can you clarify?

[Anonymous]

I actually agree with you OP. You don't have to pay a care giver to visit her in a home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What kind of money are you talking about? You send $300 a month or $6000?

More than $300 and less than $6000. We were paying for a non-professional to stop by my mother's house for a couple hours a day several days a week.

Ok well I know from personal experience that isn't that much money. You're loaded according to you. Just send the $1000 a month and be done with it. These non professionals work for peanuts and you know it.

Except we no longer need the non professional because she won't be living at home. That's my point.

But you were never sending that much to begin with. Now you're reimbursing your sister for her time, gas, mileage and everything else that goes with this ongoing care because every little need isn't covered by a home.

The nursing home is practically right next door to her job. Literally less than a minute away. That was part of the appeal for her. So there’s no gas or mileage involved. As for reimbursing her for her time, nope—I’m not reimbursing her for her time visiting her mother.

In any event, as I noted in my first post, she specifically said she wanted the money to pay Larla for continuing to visit. That’s what confuses me.

But whatever. I’m paying it.

You need an attitude adjustment. This is a major sacrifice she has undertaken for you. You have no idea how difficult it is until you’ve done it yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually agree with you OP. You don't have to pay a care giver to visit her in a home.

Not true. You would have to pay a care giver to visit her in a home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who is covering the cost of the nursing home if your mother doesn’t have any money?

Medicaid. And anticipating that you're going to jump all over me, it's a nice place regardless. I know it well, as do our other siblings, one of whom is in the field.

There's no reason to jump on you.

I am unclear as to why she needs Larla when there is a full staff at the nursing home. Can you clarify?

They will likely call almost daily with concerns, needs, chores they charge extra for, coordination, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who is covering the cost of the nursing home if your mother doesn’t have any money?

Medicaid. And anticipating that you're going to jump all over me, it's a nice place regardless. I know it well, as do our other siblings, one of whom is in the field.

There's no reason to jump on you.

I am unclear as to why she needs Larla when there is a full staff at the nursing home. Can you clarify?

They will likely call almost daily with concerns, needs, chores they charge extra for, coordination, etc.

This and there's an expectation for visits and groceries. They don't always like the food or have certain favorites they like to eat. You don't just park them in a home and forget them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually agree with you OP. You don't have to pay a care giver to visit her in a home.

Not true. You would have to pay a care giver to visit her in a home.

I'm saying she doesn't require a care giver once she is in a nursing home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What level of care does your mother need? Does she need help with bathing, grooming, making herself, tea, getting dressed? Are these people who will have a car and can take your mother out to the grocery store or doctors appointments? Staffing at these facilities is always thin. Hiring somebody to come check in on your mother and help her out with things will give her a better quality of life and ensure that she gets whatever assistance she needs.

Among all of the siblings, how much money total will you be sending? Having someone come for a few hours a day every day would be about $3500 a month.

If it’s Medicaid, when your mother passes, will there be any estate or will there be nothing to inherit?

There is no estate. She has no assets and lives on Social Security and what we send her. And I question the need for someone who isn't family to be paid to come visit her for a few hours a day once she's in the nursing home. When she was in her own home, sure. But now she isn't.

What I really think is going on here is my sister wants to continue to keep a very close eye on her, exactly as she did when she was in her own home, but doesn't want to do it on her own. As I said, she long resisted a nursing home because she says she finds them too depressing to visit. And she likes and trusts the woman we've been paying to come to the house and now just wants her to come to the home. In other words, she wants the same set up for overseeing our mother, only now in a home instead of her house. And I question the need for that.

[Anonymous]

Nursing homes are not going to provide the kind of personalized help your mom has been getting. A whole lot of the time she’ll just be sitting in a chair in her room. Having a caregiver see her, interact with her, etc will help. Definitely possible that you can reduce her hours though. I’d give it 3 weeks for your mom to adjust and then reevaluate how many hours/day caregiver is actually needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who is paying for the home?
Is this a financial burden for your family?
How much are we talking about and what’s the differential between what you think she needs (nursing home cost if included, gas to visit, time off work, stuff she buys for your mother, care for kids or pets when she’s with your mother, etc) and what she’s getting?
What do you think is fair compensation for your sibling’s services?

I would err on the side of generosity, but if the differential is too high, then feel free to reduce it a bit, while keeping a “fee for services”. You’re essentially paying her to be the boots on the ground, and that cost is added to the actual costs of care. This is what my father paid for his two sisters to care for their mother: actual costs plus extra for their services. They lived in east Asia and we could not visit often.

My sister has not been paying for any of my mother's care and won't be paying for the home either. What she has been offering is her time, and no we have not been compensating her for it. But, honestly, she's been doing much of it voluntarily so far as I'm concerned. She just didn't want her in a home, point blank, whereas I would have done it in a heartbeat.

No, this isn't a financial burden for my family.

OK. I think what’s missing here is what your mother wanted.

My 90 year old MIL with Parkinson’s has been clear she wants to live at home. She’s got all her marbles but she’s physically frail. Her children have supported her wishes by hiring round the clock aides. Two siblings are local and one acts as boots on the grounds, visiting her often, accompanying her to appointments, checking her meds, supervising the aides, maintaining her home, etc. The money comes from sources that my husband manages (considered family money). Another sibling does her taxes.

The wishes of the elder need to be taken into account, OP. It feels as if you resent your sibling for keeping her in her home for so long, but maybe your mother was happier that way?

Anyway. I get there’s family history and differences of opinions as to her care. Ultimately you should give what you are comfortable with and be prepared to live with the consequences.

Well, for starters, we don't have "family money." We can't afford "round the clock aides." Our mother doesn't have the financial resources that your MIL for her "wishes" to trump everything else when it comes to her care.

I don't "resent" my sister for keeping her in her home for so long. I "resent" my mother for guilting my sister into doing it, and I'm perplexed by my sister's need or at least willingness to do what she has been doing for so long. Not a single one of the siblings would have done it. As I said, she isn't even the only local sibling. My brother has no interest in our mother, doesn't visit at all, but still sends money. But he only does it because of my sister, not my mother. If we didn't send money my sister would feel the need to visit twice as much as she does. But that's a need that SHE feels. Not me.

We have all been sending the money so my sister can get a break from a burden that she herself has decided to take on.

I'm going to continue to send the money to avoid any conflict with my sister. Not because I think it benefits my mother in any way. Nothing will make her "happy." She was never a happy woman in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Maybe get in touch with the nursing home and inquire how this would work? I also have difficulties imagining an outsider not related to family visiting an elder in a nursing home, when the whole point of a nursing home is caretaking. Maybe people who have more experience with nursing homes should chime in. Otherwise it sounds like your sister wants to outsource her own visits with Larla, meaning she'd not go because it's depressing and instead Larla goes. Is your mom mentally out of it and has no clue who visits?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What kind of money are you talking about? You send $300 a month or $6000?

More than $300 and less than $6000. We were paying for a non-professional to stop by my mother's house for a couple hours a day several days a week.

Ok well I know from personal experience that isn't that much money. You're loaded according to you. Just send the $1000 a month and be done with it. These non professionals work for peanuts and you know it.

Except we no longer need the non professional because she won't be living at home. That's my point.

But you were never sending that much to begin with. Now you're reimbursing your sister for her time, gas, mileage and everything else that goes with this ongoing care because every little need isn't covered by a home.

The nursing home is practically right next door to her job. Literally less than a minute away. That was part of the appeal for her. So there’s no gas or mileage involved. As for reimbursing her for her time, nope—I’m not reimbursing her for her time visiting her mother.

In any event, as I noted in my first post, she specifically said she wanted the money to pay Larla for continuing to visit. That’s what confuses me.

But whatever. I’m paying it.

You need an attitude adjustment. This is a major sacrifice she has undertaken for you. You have no idea how difficult it is until you’ve done it yourself.

My mother did not want to be in a nursing home, and my sister acquiesced to her wishes at great sacrifice to herself. It's not something I ever would have allowed to happen were I in her shoes, so there's no undertaking being done here "for me." What my sister has decided to do has nothing to do with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What kind of money are you talking about? You send $300 a month or $6000?

More than $300 and less than $6000. We were paying for a non-professional to stop by my mother's house for a couple hours a day several days a week.

Ok well I know from personal experience that isn't that much money. You're loaded according to you. Just send the $1000 a month and be done with it. These non professionals work for peanuts and you know it.

Except we no longer need the non professional because she won't be living at home. That's my point.

But you were never sending that much to begin with. Now you're reimbursing your sister for her time, gas, mileage and everything else that goes with this ongoing care because every little need isn't covered by a home.

Again, you are talking about things my sister voluntarily decided to take on. It's what SHE wanted to do. And there was never any gas/mileage involved. They're practically neighbors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What kind of money are you talking about? You send $300 a month or $6000?

More than $300 and less than $6000. We were paying for a non-professional to stop by my mother's house for a couple hours a day several days a week.

Ok well I know from personal experience that isn't that much money. You're loaded according to you. Just send the $1000 a month and be done with it. These non professionals work for peanuts and you know it.

Except we no longer need the non professional because she won't be living at home. That's my point.

But you were never sending that much to begin with. Now you're reimbursing your sister for her time, gas, mileage and everything else that goes with this ongoing care because every little need isn't covered by a home.

The nursing home is practically right next door to her job. Literally less than a minute away. That was part of the appeal for her. So there’s no gas or mileage involved. As for reimbursing her for her time, nope—I’m not reimbursing her for her time visiting her mother.

In any event, as I noted in my first post, she specifically said she wanted the money to pay Larla for continuing to visit. That’s what confuses me.

But whatever. I’m paying it.

Good because nobody agrees here that you aren't TA. Just pay the pittance and be grateful you don't have to keep running from your job to deal with your parent.

But she doesn't have to either. It's her choice. And I'm being asked to pay for someone else to visit my mother. Not her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who is covering the cost of the nursing home if your mother doesn’t have any money?

Medicaid. And anticipating that you're going to jump all over me, it's a nice place regardless. I know it well, as do our other siblings, one of whom is in the field.

There's no reason to jump on you.

I am unclear as to why she needs Larla when there is a full staff at the nursing home. Can you clarify?

Sure, I can clarify: she doesn't, and that's precisely my point.