AITA?

[Anonymous]

You really don’t understand the stress and the mental bandwidth it takes to be the primary contact person for an elderly person even if they are in assisted living memory care / nursing home.

You get called all the time. Your mother needs more if this, there are bills you have to make sure get paid even if you aren’t the one siting for it, doctors appointments, paramedic calls. I am tje local siblings and it just really sucks.

This week it was the facility calling again saying your mom fell but she seems okay. However the protocol is for us to call paramedics. Can you stay in the line to talk to them. Then they ask if you want her taken to the hospital.

Or your mom needs more toothpaste and we can’t find her toothbrush. There is a family dinner for the residents, plan on attending? The podiatrist who comes to cut nails needs your authorization and her insurance info…

[Anonymous]

There is no way in hell I'd keep sending the same amount of money. I'd probably offer half.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:What kind of money are you talking about? You send $300 a month or $6000?

More than $300 and less than $6000. We were paying for a non-professional to stop by my mother's house for a couple hours a day several days a week.

Ok well I know from personal experience that isn't that much money. You're loaded according to you. Just send the $1000 a month and be done with it. These non professionals work for peanuts and you know it.

Except we no longer need the non professional because she won't be living at home. That's my point.

But you were never sending that much to begin with. Now you're reimbursing your sister for her time, gas, mileage and everything else that goes with this ongoing care because every little need isn't covered by a home.

The nursing home is practically right next door to her job. Literally less than a minute away. That was part of the appeal for her. So there’s no gas or mileage involved. As for reimbursing her for her time, nope—I’m not reimbursing her for her time visiting her mother.

In any event, as I noted in my first post, she specifically said she wanted the money to pay Larla for continuing to visit. That’s what confuses me.

But whatever. I’m paying it.

You are starting to appear petty. If your sister asked for the money she must need it.

The way you described how you feel about your mother was kind of odd. “I don’t really like her” Another sibling doesn’t really like her either and another kind of likes her”. This sometimes comes out later in life when an elder relative needs their family. They come start talking about long ago slights or a time when the parent wasn’t there for a period of time because she was sicker than you realized as a child. I’ve heard some real trivial situations that 60 year old women hold on to and use it to justify why they’re not going to help.

Just help with money, it’s the easiest way to assist with your mother’s care.

She doesn't need the money. She's taking something on that she feels she should, and because she feels that way she assumes the rest of us feel the same way. And because we don't live there, she feels our way of taking it on is sending money.

Except we don't feel the same way as her.

As for "I don't really like her," here's the thing: my sister NEVER did. They NEVER got along. And now all of the sudden our mother is all she ever talks about. Every text and every conversation is about our mother. It's just so odd. My behavior and attitude towards our mother is the same as it has ever been. Like my brother said, our mother has always been an a$$hole. Now she's just an older a$$hole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What kind of money are you talking about? You send $300 a month or $6000?

More than $300 and less than $6000. We were paying for a non-professional to stop by my mother's house for a couple hours a day several days a week.

Ok well I know from personal experience that isn't that much money. You're loaded according to you. Just send the $1000 a month and be done with it. These non professionals work for peanuts and you know it.

Except we no longer need the non professional because she won't be living at home. That's my point.

But you were never sending that much to begin with. Now you're reimbursing your sister for her time, gas, mileage and everything else that goes with this ongoing care because every little need isn't covered by a home.

The nursing home is practically right next door to her job. Literally less than a minute away. That was part of the appeal for her. So there’s no gas or mileage involved. As for reimbursing her for her time, nope—I’m not reimbursing her for her time visiting her mother.

In any event, as I noted in my first post, she specifically said she wanted the money to pay Larla for continuing to visit. That’s what confuses me.

But whatever. I’m paying it.

You are starting to appear petty. If your sister asked for the money she must need it.

The way you described how you feel about your mother was kind of odd. “I don’t really like her” Another sibling doesn’t really like her either and another kind of likes her”. This sometimes comes out later in life when an elder relative needs their family. They come start talking about long ago slights or a time when the parent wasn’t there for a period of time because she was sicker than you realized as a child. I’ve heard some real trivial situations that 60 year old women hold on to and use it to justify why they’re not going to help.

Just help with money, it’s the easiest way to assist with your mother’s care.

Maybe, maybe not. I don't think any of us are in a position to judge what is needed and in what amount. I wonder if OP suspects her sister is skimming off the top or otherwise taking advantage.

Agree with you overall though- as my grandma aged all sorts of old resentments came out among my mom and her siblings. In that case my grandma had enough $ and LTC to cover her care, but there were a lot of petty arguments over decisions and drudging up of things from childhood.

I've never for a moment thought this. She's not a dishonest person. I'm sure she's using the money for what she says she is. I used to send the money directly to my mother's checking account, but maybe six months ago (or more) my sister asked that I send the money directly to her as she was trying to move our mother to Medicaid. But I know what the money is for.

The whole idea for sending the money was so our mother could stay in her home. Which we never thought was a good idea, but we deferred to our sister. Now she will be in a nursing home. So why spend the money that was earmarked for her staying in her own home when she won't be there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read the entire thread, but understand that nursing homes are grossly understaffed.

Your sister still works a W-2 job.

Your sister is doing the heavy lifting. Even when your mother is in a nursing home, your sister will have a lot of work involved with her including medication, Doctor visits, laundry, hearing aids, physical therapy, clothing, Bill pay etc. These are a lot to manage while she is still working a W-2 job.

Private duty CNA’s would run you about $30 an hour in Maryland. Untrained home care workers run around $15 an hour in Maryland. It sounds like your sister has been using the untrained home care workers.

Continue to send the money so that mom gets the untrained home care workers visiting several hours a week.

Nursing home residents that have visitors get much better care.

Having the untrained home care worker visit several hours a week will help prevent bed sores.

Having the untrained home care worker visit several hours a week will also help Mom transition to her new home.

Pay the money unless you want to start visiting several hours a week and start doing some of the heavy lifting of Mom’s care.

Addressing each bolded point.

1. No, she doesn't. She has a part-time job with a non-profit because she likes doing it. She makes maybe 45k a year there and comes and goes when she feels like it. She also has a pension of about twice that much and as husband who makes that much. They've been married for decades and never had kids, and the house they live in is conservatively worth $2 million and has no mortgage. They bought it in the 1990s for a fraction of that amount. Money is not the issue.

2. Nope. I feel no obligation to do any of the "heavy lifting." Just because my sister does doesn't mean I do -- or have to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your kids will mirror your actions towards Mom with you when you become aged.

Do you want to be just dumped in a nursing home with no one coming by?

We don't have the same relationship, believe me. My kids don't like their grandmother either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You really don’t understand the stress and the mental bandwidth it takes to be the primary contact person for an elderly person even if they are in assisted living memory care / nursing home.

You get called all the time. Your mother needs more if this, there are bills you have to make sure get paid even if you aren’t the one siting for it, doctors appointments, paramedic calls. I am tje local siblings and it just really sucks.

This week it was the facility calling again saying your mom fell but she seems okay. However the protocol is for us to call paramedics. Can you stay in the line to talk to them. Then they ask if you want her taken to the hospital.

Or your mom needs more toothpaste and we can’t find her toothbrush. There is a family dinner for the residents, plan on attending? The podiatrist who comes to cut nails needs your authorization and her insurance info…

None of this means I should pay for someone to visit her. Every single thing you just mentioned would still fall on my sister.

[Anonymous]

We put my mother in a very high end nursing home and STILL had to hire someone to come in a few times a week to do her laundry properly and help her with basic things - nursing homes are understaffed and not all of the staff is excellent. With the additional help, her place was always in good shape as was she. And it made her happier to have the extra aid.

[Anonymous]

I’m not in this exact situation but similar. All of my mom‘s children live out of state, all over the country. In the throes of a mental health break, my mom gave my aunt power of attorney. She had been estranged from her for decades, so this came out of left field. My aunt took all of this on, not understanding what she was really getting herself into because she never witnessed my moms mental health struggles. So long story short, my mom is now in independent living, but very quickly moving toward memory care. At this point, my aunt has taken on so much that we are actually quite grateful for all of the mental load that we didn’t have to carry long distance. It has oddly improved our relationship with an aunt that we barely knew. She’s quite wealthy herself, but I’m telling you right now. If she asked me for money, I would send it in a heartbeat. As it stands the only thing she really cares about is thanks. So we heap that on her like nobody’s business because I see the toll that this care is taking on her.

So all of this is to say that, even if it was to appease any guilt, and I know you say you don’t have any which is perfectly fine, just send the money. I know you’ve already decided to do so and I think that this will resolve organically once things start to gel at the nursing home. Is she even there yet? I have a feeling things will just calm down once she’s there and your sister gets a feel for the place. I think my siblings and I are a tad more aligned than yours in that we will throw any money at the situation because it actually sucks. Similar to you we don’t really get along all that well with our mom and so we’re just really grateful that other people are willing to spend time with her!!

[Anonymous]

OP, I have an elderly relative in a nursing home who was fortunate enough to do well in the stock market over many decades, and has more money for care help than anyone else in our family. That is to say, money has never been an issue limiting her care.

She's now in her late 90s and still has thousands of dollars a month worth of outside hourly help because the care the nursing home provides is frankly not enough. They would keep her alive but there wouldn't be enough staff to actually keep her comfortable and not waiting forever for help. This is most people's experience, I believe. So your sister may not be that off base to ask for this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We put my mother in a very high end nursing home and STILL had to hire someone to come in a few times a week to do her laundry properly and help her with basic things - nursing homes are understaffed and not all of the staff is excellent. With the additional help, her place was always in good shape as was she. And it made her happier to have the extra aid.

Yea, and I'm sure she was a nice person who appreciated what you did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What kind of money are you talking about? You send $300 a month or $6000?

More than $300 and less than $6000. We were paying for a non-professional to stop by my mother's house for a couple hours a day several days a week.

Ok well I know from personal experience that isn't that much money. You're loaded according to you. Just send the $1000 a month and be done with it. These non professionals work for peanuts and you know it.

Except we no longer need the non professional because she won't be living at home. That's my point.

having someone daily come to the nursing is a great help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, just send the money and be glad you aren't dealing with this. This is the easiest decision ever.

Yeah, I know. But as I just texted a sibling, in the past I sent the money to reduce my sister's burden. Now it would be to reduce her guilt. So it's really not the same thing. But yeah, I know. Just suck it up and keep sending the money.

The money is to reduce your guilt for not lifting a finger other than offering up unwanted advice about how to do it better.

X100000

Sorry, but nope. I feel no guilt and never will. And if you weren't so judgmental and actually read my posts with an open mind you'd know that.

Oh get real. You need to be honest with yourself. You’re paying a convenience fee
.

I’m the person that suggested you move home if you don’t want to pay. Because what you’re doing is essentially providing cash so you don’t have to participate in care. You might not like that framing, but it’s accurate.

If you wanted to do more than send money, you would arrange to be there. No matter what your situation was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have an elderly relative in a nursing home who was fortunate enough to do well in the stock market over many decades, and has more money for care help than anyone else in our family. That is to say, money has never been an issue limiting her care.

She's now in her late 90s and still has thousands of dollars a month worth of outside hourly help because the care the nursing home provides is frankly not enough. They would keep her alive but there wouldn't be enough staff to actually keep her comfortable and not waiting forever for help. This is most people's experience, I believe. So your sister may not be that off base to ask for this.

I have sat in the room with my mother at her caring facility with the nurses ignoring her for hours. They have a schedule and don’t deviate from it. I had to provide a lot of her care if we wanted it done in a reasonable amount of time. And when I say reasonable, I mean same day. Sometimes they only get baths twice a week because staff is so short.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not in this exact situation but similar. All of my mom‘s children live out of state, all over the country. In the throes of a mental health break, my mom gave my aunt power of attorney. She had been estranged from her for decades, so this came out of left field. My aunt took all of this on, not understanding what she was really getting herself into because she never witnessed my moms mental health struggles. So long story short, my mom is now in independent living, but very quickly moving toward memory care. At this point, my aunt has taken on so much that we are actually quite grateful for all of the mental load that we didn’t have to carry long distance. It has oddly improved our relationship with an aunt that we barely knew. She’s quite wealthy herself, but I’m telling you right now. If she asked me for money, I would send it in a heartbeat. As it stands the only thing she really cares about is thanks. So we heap that on her like nobody’s business because I see the toll that this care is taking on her.

So all of this is to say that, even if it was to appease any guilt, and I know you say you don’t have any which is perfectly fine, just send the money. I know you’ve already decided to do so and I think that this will resolve organically once things start to gel at the nursing home. Is she even there yet? I have a feeling things will just calm down once she’s there and your sister gets a feel for the place. I think my siblings and I are a tad more aligned than yours in that we will throw any money at the situation because it actually sucks. Similar to you we don’t really get along all that well with our mom and so we’re just really grateful that other people are willing to spend time with her!!

My sister sounds like your aunt actually.

And if I might play amateur psychiatrist, I'll tell you what I really think is going on here. My sister is in her early 60s and has no children. She wanted them, but deferred to her husband of several decades. It was his second marriage and he had kids from his first. He basically told her he'd have them with her if she really wanted them but would prefer not to and she deferred. And now she regrets it. And her husband is older than her and not as healthy and there's little question that he will be the first to go. So she's starting to wonder who's going to step in for her. And that's what's driving all of this. At least psychologically.

Fortunately, as I said, unlike our mother she does at least have money.