How close to someone do you have to be to go to the funeral of their parent?

[Anonymous]

https://www.npr.org/2005/08/08/4785079/always-go-to-the-funeral

The funeral is how you show respect to the deceased and their loved ones. Some people I knew but not well came to the funerals for my parents, and I am still grateful more than a decade later.

[Anonymous]

some people think it shows respect
not all

[Anonymous]

How close to someone do you have to be to go to the funeral of their parent?

Sounds like a plea to go
A more accurate question would have been, "is it appropriate to go?" Not necessarily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless it’s a private funeral — which, in my circles would be very rare, your presence would be welcome as would your efforts to support your friend. Yes, that is why the details for the service are published.

Agree! I was happy to have anyone at my parents funerals. Again this is why they publish the info. There typically isn’t a separate invitation

[Anonymous]

You go to the funerals you're invited to. Presumably, it's not a weekly event.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You go to the funerals you're invited to. Presumably, it's not a weekly event.

No one invites people to a funeral. You might be invited to a private memorial service, but most death notices publish information and not just about the service, but frequently about the viewing the day before.

[Anonymous]

I would not go (because I would not want to! Who likes funerals?) unless the friend told me about it directly. I would pretend I haven’t seen the obituary.

[Anonymous]

Few things demonstrate the breakdown of society better than this thread. Honestly, the fact that so many people apparently don't attend funerals unless they are related to the deceased or have received a personal message from a grieving friend begging them is another symptom of the pervasive loneliness and disconnection of 21st century life.

Personal invitations are not extended to death rituals. The reason for that is not to place any additional burden on grieving family members.

When funeral/memorial service info is published online or in the paper, that IS the invitation. If it's not published, or if an obituary states that services or burial are private, than that is the queue that general attendees are not wanted. It's very common for the memorial or funeral service to be public and the graveside portion to be private (just close family).

If their has been a public announcement of funeral/service information, it's not necessary to ask anyone if it's alright if you attend. In fact, it's a little strange to do so. And it's even stranger to ask if someone *wants* you to attend, because many people will say out of politeness that they don't want to inconvenience you. That kind of question is often asked by people who want permission to get out of something, and so people respond with that in mind. It's kind of a crappy thing to ask someone IMO.

There's a sense of distaste in some of the posts on this thread that some people want "a crowd" at a funeral. But it's very common to want to feel like your loved one was important and will be missed. Of course not everyone wants this/feels that way, but it's not strange or shameful or obnoxious if someone does. It's quite normal. One of the worst, most disorienting things about grief can be the feeling that you are alone with it, while the world carries on without noticing. It can be very comforting to feel like the loss was noticed and observed.

At least one PP said with distaste the some friends announce funeral info on social media. But in the absence of local papers (which nobody apparently reads anymore anyway), how should someone place a notification of death? In the past, people usually read the local paper and scanned the death notices. Now that vehicle of communication has disappeared. But people haven't changed. Death rituals still play an important role.

If you're asking the question, "should I go to the funeral?" the answer is probably yes, unless you have a specific reason to think your presence might be upsetting (e.g., you're estranged from the loved ones of the deceased, you're an old girlfriend and the wife hates you, etc).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not go (because I would not want to! Who likes funerals?) unless the friend told me about it directly. I would pretend I haven’t seen the obituary.

So what you're saying is that you're completely self- centered and not capable of being a friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Few things demonstrate the breakdown of society better than this thread. Honestly, the fact that so many people apparently don't attend funerals unless they are related to the deceased or have received a personal message from a grieving friend begging them is another symptom of the pervasive loneliness and disconnection of 21st century life.

Personal invitations are not extended to death rituals. The reason for that is not to place any additional burden on grieving family members.

When funeral/memorial service info is published online or in the paper, that IS the invitation. If it's not published, or if an obituary states that services or burial are private, than that is the queue that general attendees are not wanted. It's very common for the memorial or funeral service to be public and the graveside portion to be private (just close family).

If their has been a public announcement of funeral/service information, it's not necessary to ask anyone if it's alright if you attend. In fact, it's a little strange to do so. And it's even stranger to ask if someone *wants* you to attend, because many people will say out of politeness that they don't want to inconvenience you. That kind of question is often asked by people who want permission to get out of something, and so people respond with that in mind. It's kind of a crappy thing to ask someone IMO.

There's a sense of distaste in some of the posts on this thread that some people want "a crowd" at a funeral. But it's very common to want to feel like your loved one was important and will be missed. Of course not everyone wants this/feels that way, but it's not strange or shameful or obnoxious if someone does. It's quite normal. One of the worst, most disorienting things about grief can be the feeling that you are alone with it, while the world carries on without noticing. It can be very comforting to feel like the loss was noticed and observed.

At least one PP said with distaste the some friends announce funeral info on social media. But in the absence of local papers (which nobody apparently reads anymore anyway), how should someone place a notification of death? In the past, people usually read the local paper and scanned the death notices. Now that vehicle of communication has disappeared. But people haven't changed. Death rituals still play an important role.

If you're asking the question, "should I go to the funeral?" the answer is probably yes, unless you have a specific reason to think your presence might be upsetting (e.g., you're estranged from the loved ones of the deceased, you're an old girlfriend and the wife hates you, etc).

I also think these reactions are so odd. It's very normal after a friend tells you about a loved one's death to find out the info online because as you say, it's really not on the grieving person to disseminate the info and invite people. It's all about being caring and wanting to show up, but nowadays it is almost as if being caring is seen as negative and needy? Making people feel weird or wrong for this is a big part of why adult friendships are so hard because we end up second-guessing the most normal, positive and loving instincts.

[Anonymous]

agree with the summary of this being a breakdown of society. When my first parent died, I didn't post about it on social media. It felt weird and I wasn't sure the other parent would like it. And then I spent weeks at work with people asking me about my vacation and years running into people asking about my parents. When the second one died, I did post. I got more support and had fewer awkward encounters. I read the obituaries. Not many people do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Few things demonstrate the breakdown of society better than this thread. Honestly, the fact that so many people apparently don't attend funerals unless they are related to the deceased or have received a personal message from a grieving friend begging them is another symptom of the pervasive loneliness and disconnection of 21st century life.

Personal invitations are not extended to death rituals. The reason for that is not to place any additional burden on grieving family members.

When funeral/memorial service info is published online or in the paper, that IS the invitation. If it's not published, or if an obituary states that services or burial are private, than that is the queue that general attendees are not wanted. It's very common for the memorial or funeral service to be public and the graveside portion to be private (just close family).

If their has been a public announcement of funeral/service information, it's not necessary to ask anyone if it's alright if you attend. In fact, it's a little strange to do so. And it's even stranger to ask if someone *wants* you to attend, because many people will say out of politeness that they don't want to inconvenience you. That kind of question is often asked by people who want permission to get out of something, and so people respond with that in mind. It's kind of a crappy thing to ask someone IMO.

There's a sense of distaste in some of the posts on this thread that some people want "a crowd" at a funeral. But it's very common to want to feel like your loved one was important and will be missed. Of course not everyone wants this/feels that way, but it's not strange or shameful or obnoxious if someone does. It's quite normal. One of the worst, most disorienting things about grief can be the feeling that you are alone with it, while the world carries on without noticing. It can be very comforting to feel like the loss was noticed and observed.

At least one PP said with distaste the some friends announce funeral info on social media. But in the absence of local papers (which nobody apparently reads anymore anyway), how should someone place a notification of death? In the past, people usually read the local paper and scanned the death notices. Now that vehicle of communication has disappeared. But people haven't changed. Death rituals still play an important role.

If you're asking the question, "should I go to the funeral?" the answer is probably yes, unless you have a specific reason to think your presence might be upsetting (e.g., you're estranged from the loved ones of the deceased, you're an old girlfriend and the wife hates you, etc).

I also think these reactions are so odd. It's very normal after a friend tells you about a loved one's death to find out the info online because as you say, it's really not on the grieving person to disseminate the info and invite people. It's all about being caring and wanting to show up, but nowadays it is almost as if being caring is seen as negative and needy? Making people feel weird or wrong for this is a big part of why adult friendships are so hard because we end up second-guessing the most normal, positive and loving instincts.

THIS. Good lord.

[Anonymous]

Please go and support your friend.

When my father-in-law passed away very unexpectedly 19 years ago we were deeply touched by all of the folks that came to the viewing.

Not only coworkers and relatives. My wife had many of her sorority sisters come, I had friends of my parents that tangentially knew my Father-in-law that came. Heck, waitress's from the local diner that he frequented came still wearing their work uniforms.

Oh hell. I'm teary now thinking about it and missing him. Again, please go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's odd to not be close enough to ask, attempt a conversation. Use your words.

For all you who want to just show up, fine. Whatever. You think you are a *better* person? No. You're not better. You aren't getting brownie points.

People who show up to pay their respects at funerals are not there to get "brownie points." WTF....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I became good friends with a mom at our daughters' school. Frequent texting, dinners out with our husbands, etc.
Our kids graduated last year and we've drifted apart a bit. We last had coffee a month ago.
Her parent died in late Jan and the memorial is in 2 weeks. I know about the death from her (she shared in detail)
but I only know about the memorial info from the obituary.
I should go, right? I feel like I stalked the event online by googling for the details but that's the point of putting funeral details in an obituary, right?

I would go if I could.

This is what I usually do, I got to the funeral and sometimes the wake. I see them at the reception- very briefly. Then, six ish weeks after, I call and set up a lunch date. Then, I ask them how they are doing and how they are sleeping. I let them talk as much as they need and offer support to the extent that I can. Sometimes, I will say a very small bit about what helped me- but basically the lunch is all about them. I might check in six weeks later for another similar lunch if they seem to need it.