How close to someone do you have to be to go to the funeral of their parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know the person who lost her parent quite well. We've texted hundreds of times. Our kids are best friends. We've been to their house multiple times, gone out to eat many times and have even talked about vacationing together. We just haven't been as close the past 9 months as our lives have changed (our kids went off to college, her parent got ill, etc).

When her parent died I saw her a few weeks later and she told me the entire story as we spent a few hours together. It's just that she has never told me the details about this memorial service and I only know the details from googling her name and reading about them online.

I'm just not sure how things go as I haven't had many funerals to attend. I'm going to show up. I figure you never regret going. I'll give her a hug and then slip out the back right away.

For so many of us, that would be so meaningful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not think your friend would even expect to see you there.
I would only go if she invited me personally.

I would likely only attend a funeral for a parent of either my spouse or a best friend.
Maybe also my children’s other parent if they are still young too.

Back in the day, people did hope and maybe expect people like op would attend. Showing your respect means a lot. People are just so inappropriately offended now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not think your friend would even expect to see you there.
I would only go if she invited me personally.

I would likely only attend a funeral for a parent of either my spouse or a best friend.
Maybe also my children’s other parent if they are still young too.

Invitations are not sent for funerals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not go. I do not show up uninvited to a stranger's funeral.

WTF?? People are not invited to funerals unless you are like Princess Diana or someone else famous.

PP you replied to. I am not Jewish. I do not go to the funeral of a non-relative unless someone from that family asks me to come. I don't read death notices or obituaries. The only way I'd know there was a funeral is if someone told me. So then I'd need to be sent the time and place. If someone sends me the time and place, I assume I've been asked to go, and then I go. I wouldn't ask these details of my own volition unless it was the parent/sibling of my close friends. My best friend's husband lost a parent, the funeral was in NYC, and I was never asked to go, and I never got the feeling they wanted me to attend. They never sent me any details about it. We're still good friends.

Also, and maybe this is the most important - I do not believe that the crowd at a funeral indicates anything about the deceased or their family. I think that's why some posters think attending stranger's funerals is important. They want a crowd at their own.

Showing up to a funeral is a way of showing respect. Those of you who think otherwise are just off. You can choose not to go but don't you dare insult people who show up. How rude and inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not think your friend would even expect to see you there.
I would only go if she invited me personally.

I would likely only attend a funeral for a parent of either my spouse or a best friend.
Maybe also my children’s other parent if they are still young too.

I think you're very unique in this. I've been to 5 funerals in the past 3 months. All elderly people. All attended by 500-800 people, primarily friends of the elderly person's children.

I have a hard time believing this. No funeral I've ever attended has ever had that many attendees. Perhaps we're not from the same culture, but I think your experience is definitely not the norm.

I'm not the person you are responded to but it's foolish of you to assume your limited experience is the norm. You sound very provincial. In my experience, the older the deceased is, the smaller the funeral.

Many people are active in their church or other endeavors and many people show up. One of my uncles was a small town cop who everyone knew and loved. The whole town showed up to his funeral and the cars lined up outside touched us all. A friends wife died and so many people who attended school with their children and many coworkers of the couple showed up.

The funerals I've attended that are very small are for much older people. Often all their peers have died. I have an aunt and uncle who were very active in their small town and were well known and well regarded. They built the church they attended and helped it grow. Everyone knew them. They both died in their 90s and there was no one left alive who knew them well. Their peers were all gone and it was sad to see so few in attendence. People from their church that they did not know came because they wanted to pay their respects to the people who built the church.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Good friend” is close enough to attend parent’s funeral.

I totally disagree. We didn't want anyone at my father's funeral who didn't personally know him, and yet a whole bunch of people came who had never even met him. It felt very voyeuristic and uncomfortable. A kind message would have been so much better.

They are showing up to support you. I’m Jewish and this is pretty typical in our culture. I just went to a shiva for the father of someone I’ve only become friendly with recently. I never met her dad so I debated going but I felt it was the right thing and was glad I showed my support. Now I will admit that when my mom died I dreaded the funeral and shiva because I wanted to crawl in bed but I also recognized that it was part of the grieving process to have those events and that in the end the support of friends (even acquaintances) is what kept me putting one foot in front of the other. If you don’t want others to show up, don’t tell others and don’t publish the death notice or say “private service” in the notice.

Ok - we feel completely differently and had my father's death not been so sudden and shocking, perhaps we would have known better and kept details of the service private. We did not want or need anyone there who hadn't actually known him.

You do not know basic etiquette and your perspective is very unique. The term "paying respect" or "showing your respect" is mostly used in relation to funerals. You are off in being offended.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Good friend” is close enough to attend parent’s funeral.

I totally disagree. We didn't want anyone at my father's funeral who didn't personally know him, and yet a whole bunch of people came who had never even met him. It felt very voyeuristic and uncomfortable. A kind message would have been so much better.

Did you put the time and date of the funeral in the online obituary?

If you don't want people at a funeral it's customary to write in the obituary: "A private family service will be held to honor XX's life" or "Private services will be held at the family's request".

This was the first death in our family and it was very sudden, so we didn't know about any of that and just happened to tell someone when the service would be. They then told others and so on. In the future, we now know to keep these details private.

Good. You acknowledge that you are different from most people and are ignorant about the process. Stop telling people they should only go to funerals where they are personally invited. For the majority of people, it is a nice thing that people show up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Disagree. The fact that she told you about the death (with detail!) means you should go.

+1 I wouldn't go to the graveside element but I would come to the memorial and show support for your friend. You don't even have to stay long, it's the appearance that matters.

+2 OP I hope you went.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not go. I do not show up uninvited to a stranger's funeral.

WTF?? People are not invited to funerals unless you are like Princess Diana or someone else famous.

PP you replied to. I am not Jewish. I do not go to the funeral of a non-relative unless someone from that family asks me to come. I don't read death notices or obituaries. The only way I'd know there was a funeral is if someone told me. So then I'd need to be sent the time and place. If someone sends me the time and place, I assume I've been asked to go, and then I go. I wouldn't ask these details of my own volition unless it was the parent/sibling of my close friends. My best friend's husband lost a parent, the funeral was in NYC, and I was never asked to go, and I never got the feeling they wanted me to attend. They never sent me any details about it. We're still good friends.

Also, and maybe this is the most important - I do not believe that the crowd at a funeral indicates anything about the deceased or their family. I think that's why some posters think attending stranger's funerals is important. They want a crowd at their own.

+100
Some people most definitely want a crowd and it's very obvious. I have an acquaintance who posted her elderly mother's funeral information on FB. Maybe a handful of people actually knew her mother, but she was posting it for all to see and expecting people to actually come. It was bizarre. My own mother would hate it if I did something like that.

I think you're awful for being insulting towards a friend who posted funeral info on social media. She wanted people to attend and there is nothing wrong with that. You know nothing of history in this country. In some ways it's considered an act of helping the person on towards the after life.

[Anonymous]

If they put the details of the service in a public obituary, then you are invited. I would go since you are close is enough to have learned about the death and the details drectly from her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have to ask, don’t go.

What? Hard disagree. Any attendance is appreciated.

It's actually not. Please stop speaking as if everyone wants a ton of people to attend funerals of people they've never even met.
DP

Im not pp, but you are off. In the past, people were encouraged to show up and show their respect.

People, please ignore this person. I absolutely have regrets for funerals I missed and no regrets for the funerals I attended.

[Anonymous]

It's odd to not be close enough to ask, attempt a conversation. Use your words.

For all you who want to just show up, fine. Whatever. You think you are a *better* person? No. You're not better. You aren't getting brownie points.

[Anonymous]

Very.

[Anonymous]

I think it's weird to ask. Funerals are public and meant for a community of people to gather. You know this woman plenty good enough to attend and show support. Your presence is not a demand on her in any way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not go. I do not show up uninvited to a stranger's funeral.

WTF?? People are not invited to funerals unless you are like Princess Diana or someone else famous.

PP you replied to. I am not Jewish. I do not go to the funeral of a non-relative unless someone from that family asks me to come. I don't read death notices or obituaries. The only way I'd know there was a funeral is if someone told me. So then I'd need to be sent the time and place. If someone sends me the time and place, I assume I've been asked to go, and then I go. I wouldn't ask these details of my own volition unless it was the parent/sibling of my close friends. My best friend's husband lost a parent, the funeral was in NYC, and I was never asked to go, and I never got the feeling they wanted me to attend. They never sent me any details about it. We're still good friends.

Also, and maybe this is the most important - I do not believe that the crowd at a funeral indicates anything about the deceased or their family. I think that's why some posters think attending stranger's funerals is important. They want a crowd at their own.

+100
Some people most definitely want a crowd and it's very obvious. I have an acquaintance who posted her elderly mother's funeral information on FB. Maybe a handful of people actually knew her mother, but she was posting it for all to see and expecting people to actually come. It was bizarre. My own mother would hate it if I did something like that.

I think you're awful for being insulting towards a friend who posted funeral info on social media. She wanted people to attend and there is nothing wrong with that. You know nothing of history in this country. In some ways it's considered an act of helping the person on towards the after life.

+1 The point of an obituary is to publish the info so people see it. Posting on Facebook is no different than putting it in the newspaper.

OP - go to the service.