How close to someone do you have to be to go to the funeral of their parent?

[Anonymous]

Both of my parents are deceased, and I can't imagine a scenario where I'd be bothered that someone took the time to pay their respects. Showing up is a kind gesture, even if only for a few minutes.

[Anonymous]

These are a supposed friend. Have a conversation! If you're not close enough to have a conversation -and ask- you definitely shouldn't show up.

[Anonymous]

My mom died when I was a staff person at KPMG. Four co-workers got car service from the office and stopped by wake for an hour. I really really appreciated it and I would have never asked or announced it.

They came for me they did not have to know my Mom.

[Anonymous]

Op, I would only take the advice of people on this thread who have lost a parent(s). Those who have not and are discouraging you from attending are unqualified to speak on it.

[Anonymous]

I've lost four and think you should ask your friend

... you say she's a friend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Good friend” is close enough to attend parent’s funeral.

I totally disagree. We didn't want anyone at my father's funeral who didn't personally know him, and yet a whole bunch of people came who had never even met him. It felt very voyeuristic and uncomfortable. A kind message would have been so much better.

They are showing up to support you. I’m Jewish and this is pretty typical in our culture. I just went to a shiva for the father of someone I’ve only become friendly with recently. I never met her dad so I debated going but I felt it was the right thing and was glad I showed my support. Now I will admit that when my mom died I dreaded the funeral and shiva because I wanted to crawl in bed but I also recognized that it was part of the grieving process to have those events and that in the end the support of friends (even acquaintances) is what kept me putting one foot in front of the other. If you don’t want others to show up, don’t tell others and don’t publish the death notice or say “private service” in the notice.

Ok - we feel completely differently and had my father's death not been so sudden and shocking, perhaps we would have known better and kept details of the service private. We did not want or need anyone there who hadn't actually known him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Good friend” is close enough to attend parent’s funeral.

I totally disagree. We didn't want anyone at my father's funeral who didn't personally know him, and yet a whole bunch of people came who had never even met him. It felt very voyeuristic and uncomfortable. A kind message would have been so much better.

Did you put the time and date of the funeral in the online obituary?

If you don't want people at a funeral it's customary to write in the obituary: "A private family service will be held to honor XX's life" or "Private services will be held at the family's request".

This was the first death in our family and it was very sudden, so we didn't know about any of that and just happened to tell someone when the service would be. They then told others and so on. In the future, we now know to keep these details private.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Good friend” is close enough to attend parent’s funeral.

I totally disagree. We didn't want anyone at my father's funeral who didn't personally know him, and yet a whole bunch of people came who had never even met him. It felt very voyeuristic and uncomfortable. A kind message would have been so much better.

you're weird.

And you're charming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not go. I do not show up uninvited to a stranger's funeral.

In my culture (Jewish American) people are not "invited" to funerals. They are informed.

+1
This is the norm for many cultures.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not go. I do not show up uninvited to a stranger's funeral.

WTF?? People are not invited to funerals unless you are like Princess Diana or someone else famous.

PP you replied to. I am not Jewish. I do not go to the funeral of a non-relative unless someone from that family asks me to come. I don't read death notices or obituaries. The only way I'd know there was a funeral is if someone told me. So then I'd need to be sent the time and place. If someone sends me the time and place, I assume I've been asked to go, and then I go. I wouldn't ask these details of my own volition unless it was the parent/sibling of my close friends. My best friend's husband lost a parent, the funeral was in NYC, and I was never asked to go, and I never got the feeling they wanted me to attend. They never sent me any details about it. We're still good friends.

Also, and maybe this is the most important - I do not believe that the crowd at a funeral indicates anything about the deceased or their family. I think that's why some posters think attending stranger's funerals is important. They want a crowd at their own.

+100
Some people most definitely want a crowd and it's very obvious. I have an acquaintance who posted her elderly mother's funeral information on FB. Maybe a handful of people actually knew her mother, but she was posting it for all to see and expecting people to actually come. It was bizarre. My own mother would hate it if I did something like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have to ask, don’t go.

What? Hard disagree. Any attendance is appreciated.

It's actually not. Please stop speaking as if everyone wants a ton of people to attend funerals of people they've never even met.
DP

[Anonymous]

I lost both of my parents in my 30s. Very few of my friends - even close ones who knew them - came to the funeral. A lot of that was bad timing (as death often is). I i treasure the ones who showed up for me. I was surprised by people who did come. I do think part of this debate is cultural or religious - I'm catholic so it is easy. there is a visitation, some evening prayers, and funeral. you don't have to do anything for that besides show up. Memorial services or celebrations of life can be trickier. Just don't expect anything of the people grieving...you are there for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless it’s a private funeral — which, in my circles would be very rare, your presence would be welcome as would your efforts to support your friend. Yes, that is why the details for the service are published.

Exactly. In this country, funerals are generally open to the public and no invitation is needed. It's disheartening that so many people do not understand basic etiquette and are offended by things that shouldn't cause offence. The family can make a funeral private by having someone stationed to turn people away and also by not announcing the funeral.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not go. I do not show up uninvited to a stranger's funeral.

Generally invitations are not sent for funerals. You are clueless.

[Anonymous]

You go to show respect to the departed, and/or you go to show support to the living.