How close to someone do you have to be to go to the funeral of their parent?

[Anonymous]

I became good friends with a mom at our daughters' school. Frequent texting, dinners out with our husbands, etc.
Our kids graduated last year and we've drifted apart a bit. We last had coffee a month ago.
Her parent died in late Jan and the memorial is in 2 weeks. I know about the death from her (she shared in detail)
but I only know about the memorial info from the obituary.
I should go, right? I feel like I stalked the event online by googling for the details but that's the point of putting funeral details in an obituary, right?

[Anonymous]

If you have to ask, don’t go.

[Anonymous]

Disagree. The fact that she told you about the death (with detail!) means you should go.

[Anonymous]

I would not go. I do not show up uninvited to a stranger's funeral.

[Anonymous]

I don't think anyone would be upset that you showed up to give support to someone in mourning. If I could get there (driving distance) I would go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not go. I do not show up uninvited to a stranger's funeral.

In my culture (Jewish American) people are not "invited" to funerals. They are informed.

[Anonymous]

Always go to the funeral.

https://www.npr.org/2005/08/08/4785079/always-go-to-the-funeral

[Anonymous]

“Good friend” is close enough to attend parent’s funeral.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Good friend” is close enough to attend parent’s funeral.

I totally disagree. We didn't want anyone at my father's funeral who didn't personally know him, and yet a whole bunch of people came who had never even met him. It felt very voyeuristic and uncomfortable. A kind message would have been so much better.

[Anonymous]

Unless it’s a private funeral — which, in my circles would be very rare, your presence would be welcome as would your efforts to support your friend. Yes, that is why the details for the service are published.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Good friend” is close enough to attend parent’s funeral.

I totally disagree. We didn't want anyone at my father's funeral who didn't personally know him, and yet a whole bunch of people came who had never even met him. It felt very voyeuristic and uncomfortable. A kind message would have been so much better.

They are showing up to support you. I’m Jewish and this is pretty typical in our culture. I just went to a shiva for the father of someone I’ve only become friendly with recently. I never met her dad so I debated going but I felt it was the right thing and was glad I showed my support. Now I will admit that when my mom died I dreaded the funeral and shiva because I wanted to crawl in bed but I also recognized that it was part of the grieving process to have those events and that in the end the support of friends (even acquaintances) is what kept me putting one foot in front of the other. If you don’t want others to show up, don’t tell others and don’t publish the death notice or say “private service” in the notice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Good friend” is close enough to attend parent’s funeral.

I totally disagree. We didn't want anyone at my father's funeral who didn't personally know him, and yet a whole bunch of people came who had never even met him. It felt very voyeuristic and uncomfortable. A kind message would have been so much better.

Did you put the time and date of the funeral in the online obituary?

If you don't want people at a funeral it's customary to write in the obituary: "A private family service will be held to honor XX's life" or "Private services will be held at the family's request".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Good friend” is close enough to attend parent’s funeral.

I totally disagree. We didn't want anyone at my father's funeral who didn't personally know him, and yet a whole bunch of people came who had never even met him. It felt very voyeuristic and uncomfortable. A kind message would have been so much better.

They are showing up to support you. I’m Jewish and this is pretty typical in our culture. I just went to a shiva for the father of someone I’ve only become friendly with recently. I never met her dad so I debated going but I felt it was the right thing and was glad I showed my support. Now I will admit that when my mom died I dreaded the funeral and shiva because I wanted to crawl in bed but I also recognized that it was part of the grieving process to have those events and that in the end the support of friends (even acquaintances) is what kept me putting one foot in front of the other. If you don’t want others to show up, don’t tell others and don’t publish the death notice or say “private service” in the notice.

This.

[Anonymous]

Yes, go to the funeral or viewing/calling hours.
I was surprised how much it meant to me when friends showed up to my dad’s calling hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not go. I do not show up uninvited to a stranger's funeral.

WTF?? People are not invited to funerals unless you are like Princess Diana or someone else famous.