How close to someone do you have to be to go to the funeral of their parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Few things demonstrate the breakdown of society better than this thread. Honestly, the fact that so many people apparently don't attend funerals unless they are related to the deceased or have received a personal message from a grieving friend begging them is another symptom of the pervasive loneliness and disconnection of 21st century life.

Personal invitations are not extended to death rituals. The reason for that is not to place any additional burden on grieving family members.

When funeral/memorial service info is published online or in the paper, that IS the invitation. If it's not published, or if an obituary states that services or burial are private, than that is the queue that general attendees are not wanted. It's very common for the memorial or funeral service to be public and the graveside portion to be private (just close family).

If their has been a public announcement of funeral/service information, it's not necessary to ask anyone if it's alright if you attend. In fact, it's a little strange to do so. And it's even stranger to ask if someone *wants* you to attend, because many people will say out of politeness that they don't want to inconvenience you. That kind of question is often asked by people who want permission to get out of something, and so people respond with that in mind. It's kind of a crappy thing to ask someone IMO.

There's a sense of distaste in some of the posts on this thread that some people want "a crowd" at a funeral. But it's very common to want to feel like your loved one was important and will be missed. Of course not everyone wants this/feels that way, but it's not strange or shameful or obnoxious if someone does. It's quite normal. One of the worst, most disorienting things about grief can be the feeling that you are alone with it, while the world carries on without noticing. It can be very comforting to feel like the loss was noticed and observed.

At least one PP said with distaste the some friends announce funeral info on social media. But in the absence of local papers (which nobody apparently reads anymore anyway), how should someone place a notification of death? In the past, people usually read the local paper and scanned the death notices. Now that vehicle of communication has disappeared. But people haven't changed. Death rituals still play an important role.

If you're asking the question, "should I go to the funeral?" the answer is probably yes, unless you have a specific reason to think your presence might be upsetting (e.g., you're estranged from the loved ones of the deceased, you're an old girlfriend and the wife hates you, etc).

Thank you for this post. It is stunning that there are people still arguing here that one should only go to a funeral they are invited to. It seems so stingy in a way. People go to show respect and perhaps express care for the family. These people who assume the worst are so strange.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not go (because I would not want to! Who likes funerals?) unless the friend told me about it directly. I would pretend I haven’t seen the obituary.

So what you're saying is that you're completely self- centered and not capable of being a friend.

There are so many posts on this site where posters express that they have no time to contact a friend who lost a spouse/parent/child etc. Every single post in which a poster expresses upset over the fact that a close friend ghosted them at the hardest point in their life is met with these posters who have no time to care. There really is a shift taking place in the world.

[Anonymous]

This post is odd to me. You do not need to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Good friend” is close enough to attend parent’s funeral.

I totally disagree. We didn't want anyone at my father's funeral who didn't personally know him, and yet a whole bunch of people came who had never even met him. It felt very voyeuristic and uncomfortable. A kind message would have been so much better.

They are showing up to support you. I’m Jewish and this is pretty typical in our culture. I just went to a shiva for the father of someone I’ve only become friendly with recently. I never met her dad so I debated going but I felt it was the right thing and was glad I showed my support. Now I will admit that when my mom died I dreaded the funeral and shiva because I wanted to crawl in bed but I also recognized that it was part of the grieving process to have those events and that in the end the support of friends (even acquaintances) is what kept me putting one foot in front of the other. If you don’t want others to show up, don’t tell others and don’t publish the death notice or say “private service” in the notice.

This is the polite and caring thing to do in any culture. PP is nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know the person who lost her parent quite well. We've texted hundreds of times. Our kids are best friends. We've been to their house multiple times, gone out to eat many times and have even talked about vacationing together. We just haven't been as close the past 9 months as our lives have changed (our kids went off to college, her parent got ill, etc).

When her parent died I saw her a few weeks later and she told me the entire story as we spent a few hours together. It's just that she has never told me the details about this memorial service and I only know the details from googling her name and reading about them online.

I'm just not sure how things go as I haven't had many funerals to attend. I'm going to show up. I figure you never regret going. I'll give her a hug and then slip out the back right away.

This sounds perfect, OP.

If your daughter is close by, I'd bring her too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not go. I do not show up uninvited to a stranger's funeral.

WTF?? People are not invited to funerals unless you are like Princess Diana or someone else famous.

PP you replied to. I am not Jewish. I do not go to the funeral of a non-relative unless someone from that family asks me to come. I don't read death notices or obituaries. The only way I'd know there was a funeral is if someone told me. So then I'd need to be sent the time and place. If someone sends me the time and place, I assume I've been asked to go, and then I go. I wouldn't ask these details of my own volition unless it was the parent/sibling of my close friends. My best friend's husband lost a parent, the funeral was in NYC, and I was never asked to go, and I never got the feeling they wanted me to attend. They never sent me any details about it. We're still good friends.

Also, and maybe this is the most important - I do not believe that the crowd at a funeral indicates anything about the deceased or their family. I think that's why some posters think attending stranger's funerals is important. They want a crowd at their own.

This is so, so strange to me. My father passed away a few years ago, and two of my closest friends flew to the funeral. It was such a thoughtful gesture, and no, I didn't invite them. My mother was so touched. We are at the age when friends' parents are going to start dying in bunches, and my spouse and I are adding a line item to our budget so we can go to the out of town funerals. If they were local, there wouldn;t even be a question. You go to support your friend, OR because you have a relationship with the deceased.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Few things demonstrate the breakdown of society better than this thread. Honestly, the fact that so many people apparently don't attend funerals unless they are related to the deceased or have received a personal message from a grieving friend begging them is another symptom of the pervasive loneliness and disconnection of 21st century life.

Personal invitations are not extended to death rituals. The reason for that is not to place any additional burden on grieving family members.

When funeral/memorial service info is published online or in the paper, that IS the invitation. If it's not published, or if an obituary states that services or burial are private, than that is the queue that general attendees are not wanted. It's very common for the memorial or funeral service to be public and the graveside portion to be private (just close family).

If their has been a public announcement of funeral/service information, it's not necessary to ask anyone if it's alright if you attend. In fact, it's a little strange to do so. And it's even stranger to ask if someone *wants* you to attend, because many people will say out of politeness that they don't want to inconvenience you. That kind of question is often asked by people who want permission to get out of something, and so people respond with that in mind. It's kind of a crappy thing to ask someone IMO.

There's a sense of distaste in some of the posts on this thread that some people want "a crowd" at a funeral. But it's very common to want to feel like your loved one was important and will be missed. Of course not everyone wants this/feels that way, but it's not strange or shameful or obnoxious if someone does. It's quite normal. One of the worst, most disorienting things about grief can be the feeling that you are alone with it, while the world carries on without noticing. It can be very comforting to feel like the loss was noticed and observed.

At least one PP said with distaste the some friends announce funeral info on social media. But in the absence of local papers (which nobody apparently reads anymore anyway), how should someone place a notification of death? In the past, people usually read the local paper and scanned the death notices. Now that vehicle of communication has disappeared. But people haven't changed. Death rituals still play an important role.

If you're asking the question, "should I go to the funeral?" the answer is probably yes, unless you have a specific reason to think your presence might be upsetting (e.g., you're estranged from the loved ones of the deceased, you're an old girlfriend and the wife hates you, etc).

This is spot on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Good friend” is close enough to attend parent’s funeral.

I totally disagree. We didn't want anyone at my father's funeral who didn't personally know him, and yet a whole bunch of people came who had never even met him. It felt very voyeuristic and uncomfortable. A kind message would have been so much better.

They are showing up to support you. I’m Jewish and this is pretty typical in our culture. I just went to a shiva for the father of someone I’ve only become friendly with recently. I never met her dad so I debated going but I felt it was the right thing and was glad I showed my support. Now I will admit that when my mom died I dreaded the funeral and shiva because I wanted to crawl in bed but I also recognized that it was part of the grieving process to have those events and that in the end the support of friends (even acquaintances) is what kept me putting one foot in front of the other. If you don’t want others to show up, don’t tell others and don’t publish the death notice or say “private service” in the notice.

This is the polite and caring thing to do in any culture. PP is nuts.

I'm the PP and I'm hardly "nuts," thanks. I stand by what I said. If you didn't actually know the deceased, sending a nice card and/or flowers to the family is far preferable to showing up at the funeral.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Good friend” is close enough to attend parent’s funeral.

I totally disagree. We didn't want anyone at my father's funeral who didn't personally know him, and yet a whole bunch of people came who had never even met him. It felt very voyeuristic and uncomfortable. A kind message would have been so much better.

They are showing up to support you. I’m Jewish and this is pretty typical in our culture. I just went to a shiva for the father of someone I’ve only become friendly with recently. I never met her dad so I debated going but I felt it was the right thing and was glad I showed my support. Now I will admit that when my mom died I dreaded the funeral and shiva because I wanted to crawl in bed but I also recognized that it was part of the grieving process to have those events and that in the end the support of friends (even acquaintances) is what kept me putting one foot in front of the other. If you don’t want others to show up, don’t tell others and don’t publish the death notice or say “private service” in the notice.

This is the polite and caring thing to do in any culture. PP is nuts.

I'm the PP and I'm hardly "nuts," thanks. I stand by what I said. If you didn't actually know the deceased, sending a nice card and/or flowers to the family is far preferable to showing up at the funeral.

You go to a funeral to support the living not the dead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Good friend” is close enough to attend parent’s funeral.

I totally disagree. We didn't want anyone at my father's funeral who didn't personally know him, and yet a whole bunch of people came who had never even met him. It felt very voyeuristic and uncomfortable. A kind message would have been so much better.

They are showing up to support you. I’m Jewish and this is pretty typical in our culture. I just went to a shiva for the father of someone I’ve only become friendly with recently. I never met her dad so I debated going but I felt it was the right thing and was glad I showed my support. Now I will admit that when my mom died I dreaded the funeral and shiva because I wanted to crawl in bed but I also recognized that it was part of the grieving process to have those events and that in the end the support of friends (even acquaintances) is what kept me putting one foot in front of the other. If you don’t want others to show up, don’t tell others and don’t publish the death notice or say “private service” in the notice.

This is the polite and caring thing to do in any culture. PP is nuts.

I'm the PP and I'm hardly "nuts," thanks. I stand by what I said. If you didn't actually know the deceased, sending a nice card and/or flowers to the family is far preferable to showing up at the funeral.

Preferable to whom? I have 2 very close friends. I know the parents of one but not the other. Are you saying i should go Larla's mom's funeral but when Jane's mother dies I should just send a card? Why would I provide more support to Larla than to Jane? How would I explain that to Jane? "I didn't know your mother, so I didn't think you needed me?" That makes zero sense.

[Anonymous]

"Support Larla" ? I view it this way: do they have siblings? If they have siblings, the person is "supported" by siblings. They are support by loved ones, and loved ones they are much closer to. The closeness I have with this friend does not supersede their family relationships. I'm not family. I shouldn't insert myself.

[Anonymous]

A former coworker who I had not seen or spoken to in years ( other than social media) came to my dad’s funeral. I was incredibly touched by this. Another friend came who I was closer to at the time. I was also very touched by this but not as surprised. When his father died a few years later, I went to his funeral. My friend acted a little confused that I was there. Our relationship had not really changed in those years since my dad’s funeral. So, you just never know, op.

I do think showing up to a funeral like this is kinda old school. Maybe because we just have more ways to offer condolences now. Especially since the funeral is delayed and you have already had a chance to offer condolences, I guess I would lean towards not going. Have you already done anything else, like bring a meal? If not, I think that would be even more appreciated and thoughtful. Keeping in mind that they will likely have lots of out of town guests, bringing something that can feed quite a few would be lovely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please go and support your friend.

When my father-in-law passed away very unexpectedly 19 years ago we were deeply touched by all of the folks that came to the viewing.

Not only coworkers and relatives. My wife had many of her sorority sisters come, I had friends of my parents that tangentially knew my Father-in-law that came. Heck, waitress's from the local diner that he frequented came still wearing their work uniforms.

Oh hell. I'm teary now thinking about it and missing him. Again, please go.

+1 my uncle passed away somewhat unexpectedly in his 60s during the later Covid era (late summer 2021, not of Covid). A lot of people showed up to support my aunt and my cousins. It was an informal, non-religious memorial service at the funeral home. His former coworkers came (he was fairly recently retired), my aunt’s coworkers, people in the neighborhood, two waitresses from the bar/restaurant he frequented, even a teacher from my cousin’s son’s school who wanted to support her student who lost a grandparent. It’s good to show up. I was happy to see all the people he knew.

There are some people who explicitly choose a private memorial service and that is totally fine, but if the details are published somewhere, I would go.

[Anonymous]

I always try to go unless it’s noted that it’s “private” or “family only.” It’s important to show up in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's odd to not be close enough to ask, attempt a conversation. Use your words.

For all you who want to just show up, fine. Whatever. You think you are a *better* person? No. You're not better. You aren't getting brownie points.

I think this PP has never had someone close to them die. It's bizarre that they think someone who is grieving should have to individually invite people to a funeral. Also, you kinda do get brownie points. I don't think anything negative about friends who didn't attend my parent's funeral, but I was so grateful for the friends who flew across the country or drove 8+ hours. Knowing that I was important to them was comforting.

Anyone who posts about how difficult it is to make friends or the loneliness epidemic should read this thread. No wonder there's no sense of community anymore.